Chapter 38
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
“Carter, I’m home.” I set down the bottle of wine and few groceries I had picked up. I’d tell him tonight. I’d tell him I loved him and I wanted this life. A life full of water. Because I did love Carter. He made me smile, and he loved me. And that was enough.
“Hey.” He walked into the kitchen in a pair of gray jogging pants and no shirt.
“Dinner and a show?” I stepped closer to him. He had just gotten back from the gym. I did love him. How could I not? He was perfect.
“I’m sweaty,” he warned, lifting his arms up as I wrapped mine around his waist.
“Just how I like you.” I rose up on my toes to kiss him. “I missed you.” That was my way of saying, I’m sorry. I should have said it.
He cupped my cheek. “Really?”
“Yeah.” I could live with this Carter, the one who said I was his soft place. The one who said he liked coming home to me.
“I missed you too. Bad day?” He looked down at me.
“No. I’m glad I get to come home to you. I talked to Holly. I might be able to move a few things around and join you in San Francisco if the offer still stands.”
“I don’t know. I had big plans of eating room service in my underwear and watching guy movies.”
“You were going to eat pizza and watch porn?”
He laughed a real laugh and cupped my face between his hands. “Not if you come. Then we can act out the porn.” He lowered his mouth to mine. I felt okay with him. Like in five years, our life would be good. We’d do this and all the other things. Good things. And we’d both be better.
“Mr. Jackson, I didn’t think you were into that kind of thing,” I teased.
“I like pizza, you know that.” He cupped my ass. “You want to skip dinner and just get to the good part?”
“No, last time we did that, I ended up eating chocolate chips and cheese. I’ll make dinner. You shower.”
“Your loss.” He kissed me before heading to the shower.
I didn’t feel like cooking, and sushi sounded better than chicken and brown rice.
I was searching through the drawer for the menu when the doorbell rang.
We had a doorman so either this person snuck in or the doorman knew them.
I walked over and checked the camera. “Craig?” I said, opening the door.
“Sorry to bother you.” He looked over my shoulder. “Can we talk? Alone?”
“Yeah.” I pulled the door closed. “You’re scaring me. What the fuck is going on? Is Callie okay?”
“Noah called. He would have called you but… Laura died.”
“Oh god. Was it James?” I always wondered if he would finally do it. Push things past the point of no return.
“No, she had a stroke last week. It looked like she would pull through and then something happened. But that’s not the worst of it. It’s Tristan.”
I took an unsteady breath. I still had nightmares about James. Sometimes he was in my apartment, other times it was that night and my father didn’t make it in time. “Is he okay?”
“He’s been arrested. I have to bail him out. Noah can’t. He just started his job and has a pregnant girlfriend.”
“Did Tristan, um…” That was the other fear. That Tristan would have enough and push back and hurt James. Tristan wasn’t an eighteen-year-old boy anymore. He was an adult who trained with boxers and MMA fighters.
“I don’t know what happened. Noah is a mess. He doesn’t know what to do with Tris. Who is not taking any of this well.” Craig ran his hands through his hair. “I’ve never dealt with James. And Noah asked if you’d come.”
Poor Noah. I pressed my hand to my brow. “I… uh… I…” I didn’t want to do this again. I didn’t want to see Tristan. I was tossing out the broken vase. I needed to. Holly was right. “I can’t do this. I can’t see him and then just walk away. He’s like a drug, and if I see him, I’ll OD.”
“And what about just being his friend? He could use one of those right now.” Craig chewed his bottom lip.
“I can’t be his friend. I need to move on. I can’t keep waiting for him. Carter and I are going to…” The words wouldn’t form. I couldn’t say that Carter and I were going to move away and start a new life together.
“Ev.” Craig touched my hand. “She’s dead.”
“I know.” It was what I had wished for.
“We’re all he’s got. He hadn’t spoken to her in almost two years. He didn’t make it back in time to say goodbye—”
“And that’s my fault?” I remembered the last words he said to me. That I had made him choose, that I was the horrible person. Not Laura.
“That’s not what I’m saying.” Craig cursed.
“Noah’s worried that this is going to push Tristan over the edge.
And that scares the shit out of me because I’ve seen him on the edge.
It’s not good.” Craig rubbed his face. “I got two restaurants, one understaffed. Callie won’t let this whole pregnancy thing go, and I need to be here, but I need to be there.
I’m scared he’ll do something. Fuck. I don’t know what to do,” he confessed.
I’d never seen Craig like this. Scared. “Hey, it’ll be okay. I’ll go, and we’ll figure this out together.” I couldn’t be Tristan’s friend, but I could be, and I was, Craig’s.
Craig let out a heavy breath and hugged me. “Thank you.”
I wasn’t sure who I was doing this for. Me, Noah, or Craig. Or worse, just to see Tristan. I opened the door. Carter was cutting up the vegetables.
“Hey, Craig, I…” He looked at me, then Craig. “Is Callie alright?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t look at Carter. “I have to go.”
“What happened?” Carter’s eyes raced to me, then Craig.
“I’ll wait downstairs.” Craig nodded before leaving.
“A friend’s mom died, and I need to go,” I said, walking into the bedroom. I grabbed a bag and started shoving random clothes into it. I couldn’t believe she was gone. I wasn’t sure if I felt relief or anger that again she had fucked up her son. How many more ways could this woman hurt him?
“Ev, talk to me. What’s going on?” Carter grabbed my hand.
“Do you remember when we met? And you told me you couldn’t love me—”
“I was drunk. I didn’t mean—"
“Do you remember what I said?”
“Ev, don’t do this, please. I do love you. I don’t want to lose you. I was stupid. Don’t go.”
I cupped his face, looking into his beautiful eyes. So dark they almost looked black. I traced the strong line of his jaw, then his full bottom lip. He had an edge also. One like Tristan. One life had carved. I would probably leave my mark upon it too. But I also needed to live for myself.
“When my father died, he was all I had. I wouldn’t have made it through those days without him. And the least I can do is be there for him and Noah.”
“That’s not fair. I didn’t even know you.”
“I know. But I owe him this.” I took Carter’s hand. There were no scars. No broken skulls. “That night I told you I loved another and that I would forever be tied to him. What did you say?” I looked up at Carter.
He closed his eyes for a moment. “That I didn’t need you to be tethered to me.”
“And that was okay.” It was.
“But now I know that’s not true. I want to be tied to you.”
“And I want that too. But first I have to cut my ties with Tristan.” I gathered the rest of my stuff and a few things from the bathroom. I’d text Holly on the way.
“Evan, if you go, I might not be here when you get back.” Carter crammed his hands in his pockets. He looked so sad, and I hated that. I didn’t like sad Carter
“Then you really didn’t love me, did you?” The tears burned my nose. This wasn’t meant to be the end of us.
“How can you say that? How can you ask me to play second to him? A man that left you broken. He can’t give you the life I can. He can’t love you the way I do.”
He was probably right. But this wasn’t just about Tristan. It was about me. I needed to hear that we were done. That the stars that linked us had burned out. That the strings of fate had been cut.
“This isn’t about him. It’s about me. And if you love me, you’ll love all of me. Even the broken parts. I can’t make you stay. But I hope you will.” I looked to the front door. “I’ll call you when I get in.”
Then I left. I should have said it. I should have told him I love him. But it felt contrite.