Chapter 17
Seventeen
As soon as the door closes, I tell Rebel, “Why don’t you go take a shower, and I’ll clean up in here.”
She nods, then hops toward the bedroom and into the adjacent bathroom.
There’s a brief delay, followed by the resonant sound of cascading water.
Meanwhile, I gather Rebel’s laundry. With the enormous pile in my arms, I also walk to the bedroom.
Rebel’s singing in the shower as I drop the clothes in the laundry basket by the door.
Then I flop on the edge of the bed and stare at the sink.
Last night’s scene replays before my eyes.
The words circle in my head. The club wasn’t a terrible place to grow up.
Mom and Dad were always there for me until Mom passed away.
Looking back on all of it now, I realize that the reason I left had more to do with my irrational fear that my children would lose their parents prematurely.
My father often came home with cuts, bruises, or broken bones, yet my parents’ deaths were unrelated to the club.
I startle when Rebel walks into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her long hair.
“Can we have a talk, baby girl?” I pat the bed next to me.
Sighing, she plops down next to me. “What do you want to talk about, Mom?”
I take a deep breath. “You know this is all temporary, right?” My little girl looks at me. “But what if this became our lives? This club.”
She tilts her head, causing her towel to sag slightly to the side. The same brown eyes as mine stare back at me as if trying to pluck the information out of my head. “So you’re saying we’re going to live in this place? We’re not returning to our new house?”
Hm, that’s not quite what I mean. I bite my lip. “Not necessarily—” I pause. “More like, maybe Kyler will stay in our lives, and the motorcycles.” I unwrap the towel and rub her hair dry.
A frown forms on her pretty forehead. “And Brooks?”
“Brooks?” I glance at her questioningly.
“Is that one staying too? I like Brooks. And can I play with Brandon then? Can I play with other children after school, or do I have to stay inside the compound?” She turns to me and I let her hair down.
So many questions… I totally get it, but it’s also incredibly difficult to answer.
“Of course you can play with other kids, honey. As soon as everything is resolved.” I force a smile on my face and do my best to make it sound lighthearted.
Suddenly she stiffens, and the smile on her face gives way to a glum look. “Is Kyler going to be my new dad then? Because then I don’t want to stay here.” She shakes her head vigorously. “I do like Kyler, Mom, but…”
And then she bursts into tears.
I immediately pull her into my arms. “Hey, honey. Of course you don’t. Kyler will not be your new dad. You only have one dad.”
“But, where is he? He left…” She presses her nose into my neck.
My heart breaks into ten thousand pieces. “Oh, honey, Dad didn’t leave.” My throat thickens, and a tear slides down my face. “Bad men took Dad away, but Dad’s here.”
Gently pushing her back slightly, I tap her chest over her heart. “Dad’s always in here, sweetheart.” I actually hear the crack in my voice.
“But I don’t feel him, Mom. I don’t hear him anymore. I don’t know what Dad’s voice sounds like.” Her own voice breaks.
I pull her closer to me. “Shit, girl.” Immediately, I clench my jaws together. I don’t want to curse in front of her, but damn it. My daughter says she’s forgotten what her father’s voice sounded like. “I have videos on my phone of you and Dad. Shall we watch them later?”
She nods with her head pressed against my shoulder. “Can we do it now?”
I hook my arms under her buttocks and lift her up. With her in my arms, I walk to the couch. “Get your blanket, and in the meantime I’ll make us tea.”
With a deep breath, I walk to the kitchen. Once I’ve turned on the kettle, I take another deep breath. I pour two cups full of hot water and put a tea bag in each.
With two cups in hand, I return to the couch and pass her one.
Then I sit down next to her and take my phone out of my pocket.
I’m scrolling through the videos and photos up to a few months ago, finding a video of when Connor and Rebel were reading together.
After clicking it, I hand my phone to my daughter.
Rebel slumps down against her pillow, with the cup in one hand and the phone against her knees, which she has pulled up under the comforter. Silently, she watches it.
If I’d known he wouldn’t be around for long, I would’ve filmed the whole thing for her. Then I would’ve filmed all the conversations between them, all the stupid moments that seemed so ordinary and even meaningless at the time. Moments that would never come back.
She presses the play button three times and then stops. Slowly, she looks up at me and says, “He’s not coming back, is he, Mom?”
Biting my lip, I shake my head. “No, honey. Dad’s gone. But you should know he didn’t want to leave, Rebel.”
Her gaze becomes determined and then she nods. “Kyler is being nice to us.”
I pull her against me and press a kiss to her head. “Okay, I’ll think about it. Shall I call Teagan and ask her to come over with Gaby soon?” She nods cautiously. “Okay. I’ll arrange it. Now get some sleep, because it’s a school night.” I tuck her in and press a kiss to her forehead.
After turning off all the lights except for the light from the kitchen hood, I head to the bedroom.
I close the door behind me and walk into the bathroom.
After I undress, I check the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes reveal that I’ve been sleeping like shit for some time, and it’s also abundantly clear that I’ve lost weight.
I don’t even have to step on the scale for it.
“Fuck this.” I grip the edge of the sink and hang my head. A few minutes later, I spin around and turn on the faucet.
Stepping beneath the warm water, I close my eyes and lean my head back.
I’m submerged, the water pressing down, and I instinctively open my mouth to breathe.
For a moment, this allows me to focus solely on the shower rather than the mess my life has gotten.
These unanswered questions consume my mind, leaving me with a sense of dread that I won’t find answers for them.
And those are just the questions that got me here.
I manage to push them away, my thoughts drifting to Kyler.
A warm feeling floods through me at the thought of him, but there are so many other feelings.
You’re moving too fast. Your feelings for him never faded. You wanted to leave the club. You have no good reason you left. Think of Rebel. Rebel doesn’t think it’s a problem. Rebel is only seven; she’s too young to decide. She’s as safe here as anywhere else. You love him.
You love him.
You love him.
I love him.
The biggest question: is that enough?
I shut off the faucet with a decisive movement and grab a towel. I dry my hair, step out of the cubicle, and wrap the towel around my body.
Is it enough?
I don’t know. The most important thing in a relationship is trust. Right now there’s none, but that’s my fault.
I know that. Inhaling deeply, I go to the bedroom.
I slip on Kyler’s shirt and then wear my favorite red lacy hipsters.
Once I’ve crawled under the blanket, I grab my cell phone and open the text thread with Teagan.
Me: Bring Gaby with you when you come over. For Rebel.
I stare obsessively at the little screen in my hand, hoping Teagan’s got nothing to do and spots my message. I’m lucky because it doesn’t take long before I get a message back.
Teag: No problemo. Does tomorrow work for you? How are you holding up over there, among all those smelly men?
I grin. There’s only one person who’s always capable of that. No matter how shitty the situation is.
Me: I’m mostly huddled in Kyler’s apartment.
Teag: You’ve got a bar below you. Drink yourself stupid, girl.
Me: Uh, I have to watch my daughter. Doesn’t seem like such a brilliant plan.
Teag: Do it when Kyler’s there. Surely he’ll watch Rebel if you need a night to forget it all, right? Otherwise, I’ll just have to have a hearty word with that prick.
That’s not it. I just don’t want Rebel to see me like that. Blowing out a breath, I think about what I’m going to tell my best friend, because I know she means well.
Me: Isn’t necessary. I’m sure he will, but I don’t want Rebel to think I’ve given up all hope.
Teag: Makes sense, but she doesn’t have to see you like that. ;)
I roll my eyes. A true Teagan answer. One which makes no sense.
Me: Just bring Gaby with you when you come over. I miss you. Even miss the hate-filled stares at the school playground. I hate my life.
Okay, I hadn’t meant to send that last bit, but didn’t give it much thought before I pressed send.
Teag: It will be alright, girl. I’ll come over as soon as I can. Did you get to admire that delicious body in that apartment yet?
Oh… this is going to be an awkward conversation.