14. “All Happy Families Are Alike”
On the Friday of Family Weekend, with only a matter of hours before Vik Banerjee arrives on campus, Davi visits the Tiffin school store, which is located in the basement of the Teddy, across from the arcade.
Whoa, Davi thinks. The store has had a serious glow-up this week.
There are racks and racks of merch—Thoroughbred hoodies, T-shirts and tanks, hats, visors, mugs, baby onesies (will there be any babies coming to Family Weekend?), stuffed plush racehorses, fleece blankets, Christmas ornaments, tote bags, Tiffin note cards and pens, pennants and banners and flags (oh my!), shot glasses, beach towels, and golf umbrellas—all of it in Tiffin green and gold.
Davi picks up a marble-and-wood charcuterie board with the Tiffin logo emblazoned on the handle.
Did the store always sell things like this?
When Davi came to visit Tiffin as a prospective student, she’d bought a green T-shirt with the words GO ’brEDS printed on the front in intentionally distressed gold lettering, but has she ever worn it?
She also came to the store one time in the fourth-form because Cinnamon had a headache and the store sold sundries like tampons and Advil—and bags of Fritos and spiral-bound notebooks that Davi suspects had been on the shelves since before the pandemic.
Davi chooses the golf umbrella instead; it’s supposed to rain this weekend, and Davi hoped maybe the whole family thing would be canceled. Instead, the event company showed up a day early to erect a huge tent with clear sides on the front lawn of the Manse.
Davi carries the umbrella to the register, which is unmanned. What the helly? she thinks. She came all the way down here.
“Hello?” she calls out.
Liam pops out of the back office carrying a cardboard box.
His glasses—they’re new—slide down to the end of his nose.
He’s wearing pressed khakis, a pink oxford, and a blue-and-red striped rep tie.
The shirt and tie clash, but Liam either doesn’t realize it or doesn’t care.
He doesn’t need to care; he is just that hot.
“Oh, hey,” he says, flashing Davi a smile.
“I didn’t realize I had a customer.” He sets the box on the counter, and Davi peers inside—T-shirts that say PROUD TIFFIN PARENT.
These, Davi thinks, will be purchased only by the parents of third-formers.
Then Davi views the shirts from Liam’s perspective.
East told Davi that Liam’s father works on Saturdays and his mother is in North Dakota, so he won’t have anyone showing up for him this weekend. Which is one reason Davi is here.
She hands him the umbrella. “Best to be prepared.”
“Are your parents coming?” Liam asks.
“Just my dad,” Davi says. “He and my mom are, apparently, getting divorced.”
Liam frowns at her. “Davi, I’m so sorry. Are you… okay?”
Is she okay? She thought the answer was yes.
Her parents are splitting; she can’t pretend to be surprised.
The “surprise” came last summer when Davi learned about Saylem.
But Davi’s eyes burn unexpectedly. She hasn’t told anyone at Tiffin about her parents.
The only person she would confide in is Charley, and Charley has been consumed with all-things-college.
Now Davi realizes the news has been suppurating (“festering, like a wound”) inside of her.
“I’m not okay, actually,” Davi says as she wipes a tear from each eye. “But thank you for asking.”
“What can I do to help?” Liam asks. “Other than ring up this fine umbrella?”
“Oh, I’m good. Unless…”
“Unless what?”
“My dad and I have a reservation at Hobgoblin tomorrow night,” Davi says. “I made the reservation for three people, thinking my mom was coming.” She pauses, swallows, looks Liam deep in the eye. “Would you want to join us? My dad is a great guy.”
“I’d love to!” Liam says, and Davi experiences a moment of deep relief (she won’t have to be alone with Vik!) and joy (she’s doing something nice for Liam, and she’ll have him to herself).
She hopes her invitation sounded spur-of-the-moment and not like she walked in here with the sole purpose of asking him to dinner. “But I already have plans.”
Wait, Davi thinks. What?
“Oh, no worries,” she says. “What are you up to? Are your… is…?”
“I have plans with Pippa,” he says.
“Right, of course,” Davi says. “You’ll go out with her and… Sondra? That should be…?” Davi has learned a lot of vocabulary in the past year, but she can’t find the right adjective to describe going to dinner with a reality TV star. Cray-cray? Whack-a-doodle?
“Sondra will be out of town, actually,” Liam says. “I’m just going over to Pippa’s to hang, since neither of us has family coming.”
He might as well say he’s going over to Pippa’s to drink Sondra’s Don Julio and let Pippa give him a blow job—because what else does Davi think is going to happen?
She’s so embarrassed.
At that second, her phone buzzes with a text, a good excuse to get out of there with her overpriced umbrella. (Fifty-one dollars? Seriously? The bill for this will go to Davi’s parents, but she’s offended on their behalf.)
Bye, thanks, have fun tomorrow night, she says. Davi can’t believe Liam is going to Pippa’s, doesn’t he realize she just wants him for sex? There’s no chance Pippa’s interest in Liam is genuine. Girls like Pippa have Baby Birkins where their hearts are supposed to be.
Davi hurries away. She will, as of this very moment, stop chasing Liam.
The text is from Charley: Have you seen the paper?
What paper?
The Bulletin! Charley responds.
Oh, the school paper. There should be some here at the school store, right?
But Davi has to get out of there. She chugs upstairs to the main floor of the Teddy and heads to the Grille, where she overhears that annoying fourth-former Reed Wheeler talking to Grady Tish: It’s such a burn.
They’re in a booth reading—yes, the ’Bred Bulletin.
Davi snatches the paper up from between them.
She doesn’t even have to ask Charley what she should be looking for, because she sees it: The In and Out List, by Olivia Hudezech-Tottingknaffer.
IN
OUT
Being skinny
Social media
Curly hair
Low ponys
Fur coats
Collabs
Tanning beds
English accents
Raves and orgies
Neon signs
Lash lift and tint
Mascara
Sugar mamas
Doing the reading
NYC
The Row
Saunas
Kissing ass
“Oh my god,” Davi whispers. She looks down on Reed and Grady, replaying their words: It’s such a burn.
Did Olivia H-T really just do this?
Of course she did.
“Ha!” Davi laughs. It’s so predictable: Olivia proved her fealty (“a feudal tenant’s sworn loyalty to a lord”) to Pippa by pitting her against Davi in this list.
The direct references to Davi (low ponys, “English” accents—sorry, it really should be “British”—neon signs, collabs, mascara, The Row) aren’t the only things raising eyebrows here.
The In list is completely inappropriate.
“Being skinny” should be redacted immediately, otherwise the entire third-form is going to develop an eating disorder.
“Tanning beds”—is Olivia serious? “Fur coats”—has Olivia never heard of PETA?
“Raves and orgies”? Davi doubts Olivia has ever been to a rave, and she’s certainly never participated in an orgy; she just added that to compete with “orgasms” on last year’s list.
“Social media” is out… but if Davi posts this list on her TikTok, she knows it will go viral. The internet will tear Olivia H-T to shreds, and then she’ll see how In it is.
“Kissing ass” is out? Olivia must have failed to grasp Mrs. Wully’s explanation of irony in the fourth-form.
The best way to handle the list, Davi realizes, is not to post it, it’s to ignore it.
Davi folds up the paper and tucks it into her bag from The Row (for the record, she thinks, if any bag is Out, it’s the garish purple Goyard that Olivia carries).
“Hey,” Grady says. “That’s my copy.”
“Fuck off,” Davi says, and she storms out of the Teddy, brandishing her new umbrella like a sword.
Out of an abundance of consideration for his teammates, QB1 Dub Austin has made a habit of taking extra reps on the field after practice so that he hits the showers after everyone else is gone.
He doesn’t need to do this, his teammates—with the notable exception of Hakeem, who’s been distant with Dub since his senior speech—are supportive of Dub, especially Benj and the offensive line.
But Dub doesn’t want to make anyone (namely, Hakeem) uncomfortable, and frankly, he could use the extra practice.
The Thoroughbreds have yet to win a game this season.
On Family Weekend, Tiffin always plays the Colbert School, a team they can reliably wallop. Thank god, Dub thinks, because they need a confidence boost—and Dub’s father is coming to Tiffin for the first time just to see Dub play.
But when Dub enters the locker room Friday after practice and checks his phone, he has a text from his father. Sorry bud, I’m not going to make it this weekend. Both Hadley and Zoe have the stomach flu and I can’t leave them. I’ll catch you next time!
Dub kicks the locker. “What the fuck?” He deletes the text, then blocks his father’s number.
He reminds himself that he hates his father anyway: Derrick left Dub’s mother, Karen, for one of the rafting guides at his outdoor adventure company and got her pregnant.
Zoe (rhymes with “toe”) is Dub’s ten-month-old half sister.
Dub texts his mother. Dad isn’t fucking coming. Hadley and the baby are sick I guess.