Chapter 36
KALLIE
After stopping to talk to one of the healers, Medenia made her way to Kallie.
The princess wore a sage-green dress with fabric that draped at the wrists and swept across the floor as she walked. Her raven-black hair was woven into a single plait that hung over her shoulders. A silver headpiece with crystals embedded in the metal sat upon her head, nestled within the braid.
Meanwhile, her dog, Beau, weaved around her feet, nearly causing her to stumble twice. Medenia didn't even bat an eye. Instead, the princess smiled brightly at Kallie, and Kallie returned the gesture.
Over the past few days, Kallie had begun to feel better, more herself, whoever that was. She was even starting to consider Medenia a friend, or at least a companion.
"You're rather dressed up for a stroll, don't you think?" Kallie mused as she leaned a hip against the foot of the bed.
The princess chuckled. "That is because I will unfortunately not be partaking in today's walk."
"I see," Kallie said, a pang of disappointment filling her breast before she quickly discarded it.
Medenia grabbed her hands. "Come now, do not be sad. I have made other arrangements for you," she beamed.
Kallie rolled her eyes in an attempt to mask the fact that the princess had clocked her so easily. "I am not a child. I do not need to be cared for."
Medenia pursed her lips, her eyes flicking to the guards at the doors before the princess could catch herself.
Kallie sighed. "All right, the necessity of the guards aside, you have no obligation to entertain me. You have your own duties to attend to," she said, her gaze sweeping over the formal ensemble the princess donned.
When a rising spout of jealousy clogged her throat, Kallie forced it down.
"That is indeed true. Court is being held today, and my mother hates when I skip it." Medenia leaned toward Kallie and held up a hand, shielding her lips from the guards as she whispered, "Although, I do loathe it more often than not and would take any excuse to miss it."
Images surfaced of Kallie attending court in Ardentol, where she spent hours listening, hours forced to be silent, seen but unheard. She swatted them away quickly.
Clearing her throat, Kallie forced a smile and asked, "So you have made other arrangements for me then?"
"Right." Medenia turned to the door just as the woman with stark white hair turned round the corner and strolled through the infirmary, a mischievous lilt to her pitch-black eyes.
Kallie slipped her hands free from the princess's and took a harrowing step back, almost tripping over Beau who had snuck behind her. "What--what is she doing here?"
"I--" Medenia paused when she looked at Kallie. Concern washed over the princess's face before realization struck. " Oh. Uhm..." She glanced back and forth between Kallie and the woman who had helped rip her mind apart.
The woman stepped forward, extending a hand, which Kallie merely stared at. "I'm Ellie, by the way. Sorry about what I did to your mind."
Medenia's jaw fell open, and Kallie was left speechless at the woman's frankness.
"Euralys," Medenia hissed.
"What?" Ellie asked with a shrug, dropping her hand. "There's no point in pretending it didn't happen. Right?" She turned to Kallie and stared at her.
Beau nudged Kallie forward with his snout.
"Right," she said hesitantly.
She wasn't quite sure what to make of this woman. To an extent, Kallie should have been angry that Ellie had taken part in torturing her. However, she felt not a single ounce of anger. Only confusion and a hint of admiration and relief.
She was used to everyone tiptoeing around her and avoiding mentioning what had transpired. Ellie was, to an extent, a breath of fresh air.
"See?" Ellie said, turning her attention to Medenia. "We're fine. Let's get on with it."
"Very well," Medenia mumbled. She forced a light, albeit tense, smile back to her face as she turned to Kallie. "Ellie and I believe it would be beneficial for you if you trained."
Kallie's raised brows nearly touched her hairline. She looked towards the guards. "Are you sure the guards would approve?"
Medenia flicked a hand in the air dismissively. "The guards do as I tell them."
Ellie snorted. "The guards do what the queen tells them."
The two Tetrians exchanged glances before the women returned their attention to Kallie.
Ellie shrugged. "Anyway, we went through a lot of trouble getting you back, and we cannot let you waste away and become a liability."
"Euralys," Medenia hissed again.
"No, it's fine," Kallie said quietly. "I'm sorry to have caused so much trouble."
Ellie huffed. "Trouble? That was probably the most fun we've had in a while."
Medenia slowly nodded, amusement flickering at her lips. "She's right. It was quite fun. Completely reckless, especially the way it all went down at the temple. But we do not regret it in the slightest."
Kallie stared at the two women, unsure what to say in response. Luckily, Ellie spoke for her.
"Now, come on. Let's see exactly how out of practice you are."
Very. Kallie was very out of practice.
After only half an hour of training, her muscles ached. Her steps were clumsy, and her feet felt unsure beneath her. The wooden sword felt odd in her hand despite the callouses that marked her palms.
Ellie stepped back and placed a hand on her hip as she blew a piece of hair out of her face. "You know, Graeson once told me that you could handle yourself in a fight. I'm starting to believe that either he's not as good as he thinks he is at fighting, or he was a little too preoccupied when fighting you."
Kallie groaned and wiped the sweat dripping down her forehead with the back of her hand. "I'm out of practice, all right? The most physical activity I've done here or even in Frenzia was walking around the castle's grounds."
"Well, that's obvious," Ellie said with a snort.
Kallie blew her hair out of her face and flipped the wooden sword in her hand, inspecting it. "Did Graeson return to Pontia?"
"Huh?" Ellie asked, blinking. "No, why?"
"Oh, no reason," Kallie said with a shrug. "I just haven't seen him around. That's all."
Ellie stepped closer, spinning her wooden sword at her side. She cocked her head, a coy smirk curling the corner of her lips. "Are you concerned about Graeson, Kallie?"
"What?" Kallie's head shot up, wide-eyed. "No. Of course not. Why would I be?" she said, her words coming out faster than intended. Heat rose to her cheeks.
Ellie hummed, amusement crinkling her eyes as she tried to hold back her smile. She spun around, drawing a line in the sand with the tip of her wooden sword. "It's all right if you're concerned about him. I mean, the man did burn down a temple for you."
Kallie lowered her gaze. "He didn't do that for me."
"No?" Ellie asked, turning around. "Then why did he do it?"
"He--He--" Kallie swallowed, her words twisting in her mouth. Finally, she shrugged. "I do not know his motives."
"I'm not even sure if he knows his motives. But he's been around. He's just been...preoccupied."
"I see," Kallie retorted, pursing her lips as she tried to swallow the rising disappointment within her. The truth was, she had no reason to be disappointed. She had no claim to Graeson. They were not even friends, really. Still, her stomach twisted.
"Hold up your sword," Ellie commanded, shifting into a fighting stance.
Shaking her thoughts away, Kallie obeyed Ellie's command despite her muscles groaning and focused on not getting side swept again.
An hour or so later, Kallie returned to the infirmary on shaking legs. After the healer checked her over, Opal informed Kallie that she was to be moved to her own room.
There were still guards stationed outside her room, one of whom followed Kallie everywhere she went, but she still appreciated the privacy the new room afforded her. For once, there were no prying eyes as she lay her head down at night.
She hadn't realized just how much she had missed a sense of privacy until she had it again. She reveled in the feeling, for there was finally an escape from the whispers that once slithered their way into the infirmary as strangers passed.
The next few days were more or less the same. After a short walk with Medenia, Ellie would come to drag Kallie out to the training grounds.
Her muscles screamed and bruises covered her body, but the work felt good.
It felt...normal.
Kallie clung to those moments when sweat beaded at the back of her neck and down her back, when her arms were on fire and her calves burned.
Because with the wooden sword in her hand, she felt something more than the emptiness that had until now pervaded her mind and body. And feeling something , even if she could not identify that precise thing yet, was better than nothing at all.
Even when Ellie won fight after fight, Kallie was thankful for the distraction and the chance to escape her ever-racing mind.
Until, that is, the consequences of her actions smacked Kallie in the face.
"You're going easy on her."
Kallie froze at the sound of Dani's voice and missed blocking Ellie's swing. The wooden sword hit her right in the ribcage, causing Kallie to bend over with a loud oomph .
"I wish I could say I enjoyed that, but it's honestly just pitiful watching you struggle."
Keeled over, Kallie squinted up at Dani as she pressed a hand to her stomach. Dani stood a few yards away, twisting a small blade within her fingers.
"Danisina," Ellie hissed.
"What?" Dani asked, wide-eyed as she halted the blade, palming it.
Kallie struggled to stand, the dull pain slow to fade as she continued to stare at Dani. She couldn't shake the image of Dani kneeling in the water, a guttural scream pouring from her throat as Fynn's body floated toward her.
Fynn's words from one of the dreams sang in her mind: Her forgiveness will not be easy to earn.
Fynn might have thought that Kallie would be able to gain Dani's forgiveness one day, but as Kallie looked upon the woman before her, she did not believe it was possible.
Yet, despite her mind still unraveling itself, Kallie still mourned Fynn's loss. Domitius had tried to construe Fynn's death as a needed sacrifice, but that was a lie. His death had never been necessary. But Kallie could not rewrite the past. She couldn't undo it.
All she could do was live in the mess she had created and face the consequences.
Kallie read the plea in Ellie's gaze as she glared at Dani, but Kallie did not want Ellie to save her from Dani's wrath. No, Kallie deserved all of Dani's anger.
"It's fine, Ellie. She's right. You've been going easy on me."
Dani took a step forward, a fire smoldering within her hazel eyes. "You want a real challenge, Princess?" she drawled, now smiling. But the stretch of her mouth was anything but kind as she raised a brow. "Perhaps a rematch of our first dance together?"
Dani tightened her fingers around the hilt of her dagger, and a memory of Dani in a cloak, taunting Kallie as she and the other Pontians attacked Kallie's carriage surfaced. That was the fight that had started it all, the preface to the destruction and death that would follow.
"Dani, you really shouldn't--" Ellie began, but Kallie cut her off.
"I said it's fine," she snapped, shifting her stance and raising the wooden sword. If Dani wanted to release her anger on her, Kallie would let her. She couldat least give her that, even though it was not much at all in the grand scheme of things.
Dani smirked and pocketed the dagger before pulling a short sword from her hip. "Let's play with real weapons, shall we? Make it a true challenge."
"Seriously, Dani?" Ellie asked, hints of anger flushing her cheeks.
Dani's gaze flicked from Ellie to Kallie. "Unless you have an objection, Princess?"
"No objection," Kallie said smoothly, grabbing the proffered sword.
"See, Ellie?" Dani grinned, her attention never leaving Kallie's.
A hungriness illuminated Dani's gaze and flowed through her stance. And Kallie knew before they had even started by the shift in Dani's posture that this was not about pushing Kallie's limits. It was about destroying them.
Ellie reluctantly stepped back, folding her arms over her chest and mumbling something Kallie didn't quite catch as Dani struck and forced Kallie to scramble backward.
Each swing from Dani, each thrust, each dive forward was fueled by an unfiltered rage. And despite Kallie's aching muscles, she dodged each attack as if her survival instincts were kicking in.
Because while Dani was clearly not trying to help Kallie, she had been right. Ellie was holding back, which was only doing Kallie a disservice.
All the memories Kallie had tried to push away--all the nights training with Domitius and his guards, the days spent jumping through mazes--came storming back.
Kallie's own anger poured through her veins, stabilizing her and pumping strength into her arms and legs.
Dani was enraged.
But Kallie was, too.
She wasn't mad at Dani, of course. Dani hadn't done anything to deserve Kallie's anger. No, Kallie was mad at herself for believing in a man who only ever cared about his own success. She was mad that the king was able to manipulate her. She was mad that he stole the life she was supposed to live from her. She was mad that he turned her into a villain .
But Kallie was even more furious with herself that she let him have that power over her.
So, Kallie did the one thing she could at that moment: she kept her blade high, her movements strong and nimble. She didn't let Dani get the upper hand, didn't let her push her down. But Kallie didn't strike either, and soon enough, Dani realized it and groaned in frustration.
"Fight back, you little bitch!" Dani yelled, her teeth bared.
Sweat dripped down Kallie's forehead, and as she braced her sword against Dani's, she rasped, "I'm not going to hit you."
Dani screamed in rage. She yanked her sword up, and Kallie stumbled from the abrupt change in force.
Dani didn't stop there; she spun around, knocking the back of Kallie's knee.
Kallie's legs buckled, and she sank to the ground, her knees smacking into the soil. With a thunk , the sword fell from Kallie's hand as the cold tip of Dani's blade kissed her jugular.
Kallie held up her hands in defeat, swallowing hard.
Yet Dani didn't remove her blade from Kallie's neck. She snarled and hissed, "It would be so easy, you know..."
Dani added more pressure, the point digging into Kallie's skin so hard it hurt.
As Kallie stared at Dani--as she looked at the freckles that covered her nose, the twitch of her lip, and the vein throbbing in the center of her forehead--she felt nothing and everything at once.
Pain.
Grief.
Regret.
Confusion.
It was all too much. The emotions wrapped around her mind. They twisted and pulled, tugging at her, choking her.
And Kallie was helpless to it all.
"Then go ahead," Kallie whispered, tipping her chin up. "Do it."
Dani's jaws flexed, her arm steady despite the flood of emotion coating her eyes. "He never gave up on you," Dani said, her voice no more than a cold whisper. "All of those years he fought for you, begging to be sent to Ardentol to save your spoiled ass. He would have done anything for you. You do realize that, don't you?"
Each word Dani spoke was like an icy slice across Kallie's heart. But Kallie remained silent, unable to speak. She rolled her fingers together, her nails biting into the flesh of her palms until her hands begged for release.
"He gave his life away for you, and yet you give yours away so freely?" Dani asked, disgust spilling from her tongue and filling her words. She spat on the ground, missing Kallie's foot only by a couple of inches. "You are a coward and a waste."
Kallie's shoulders sagged. "What do you wish me to say, Dani? An apology will not bring him back."
A layer of water glistened over the raging fire that burned bright within Dani's hazel eyes. Dani blinked it away and put more pressure on the blade.
"I want you to feel remorse! I want you to feel what I feel. You sit in the castle day and night, walking around as if nothing has happened. Do you not think that I do not see that? How you are completely and utterly unaffected?" she challenged.
"I will not sit here and make excuses for the things that I have done in the past." Kallie broke their eye contact and looked at the sky. "I cannot apologize for Fynn's death, but do not think I do not grieve him."
"You do not deserve to mourn him! You didn't know him! You betrayed him."
She scoffed then. "Do you not think I know that? I am the last person who deserves your forgiveness, and am I not asking you for it." Kallie bit down on her lip and forced her tears back. "No one was supposed to get hurt."
"But he did."
"I didn't know he was my brother when Domitius set the plan into motion. If I had--"
Dani huffed a rough laugh, cutting Kallie off as she snapped, "It shouldn't have mattered who he was! He was kind to you. He cared about you. And you..."
Dani shook her head. She took a deep breath in, her chest rising.
When she spoke next, her words were as cold as the northern glaciers. "One day, I hope you'll understand what it feels like to have your soul bond ripped from you."
A deep groove marked Kallie's forehead. "A soul bond?" she repeated.
Dani smiled, the stretch of her lips pure ice. "There are many things you still do not know--about our kingdom, your family, yourself. And honestly, I cannot wait to watch it all collapse on top of you."
"Danisinia," Graeson hissed, and Kallie startled as he appeared.
But the warrior didn't flinch at the sound of the low voice, her eyes remaining locked on Kallie. A suffocating grief soaked Dani's gaze, the barest hint of water pooling on her lashes.
"Lower your sword, General," Graeson ordered.
A feral, pained noise vibrated in Dani's throat as the blade remained against Kallie's throat. "You are not my commander nor my queen. You have no power over--"
"Do not test me right now." Graeson's voice turned icy and ominous.
Kallie kept her gaze locked on Dani.
She did not want Graeson's protection.
She was not worth protecting. She was not worth anything .
Vengeance darkened within Dani's hate-filled gaze. Yet as Kallie saw Dani's chest rise and fall as she took a breath, the blade finally disappeared from Kallie's throat.
With a snarl curling her lip in disgust, Dani took a step back. Her hand tightened around the hilt of the blade as if she were struggling to release the tension spiking through her. As if she still debated her choice to release Kallie.
Kallie didn't blame her.
As she dropped her gaze to the ground and exhaled, the breath Kallie released wasn't from relief; it was pain.
"Leave, now," Graeson thundered.
Footsteps pounded against the ground as Dani huffed and spun, heading back to the castle.
Twigs and leaves crunched behind her, but Kallie didn't move. She didn't react as the notes of cedar mixed with citrus came closer and a pair of black leather boots stepped into her vision.
A small, infinitesimal part of her wanted to reach out, aching to crawl forward and let the warmth consume her and whisk the torment away.
But that part was too small. A fire unable to spark amidst the coldness that whipped around her core.
Kallie refused to look up. Well, it wasn't that she refused per se; it was that her head was too heavy to raise, and the weight of every word Dani spat at her bore down onto her shoulders.
Every piece of her felt like it was breaking, falling apart, and collapsing before her.
No matter what Kallie did or how much she tried to keep things together, she failed. The pieces wouldn't stick.
They fell.
They crumbled.
They disintegrated.
Even weeks after her mind had been torn apart, Kallie still couldn't identify up from down or left from right.
Graeson crouched down before her. He reached out a hand but then let it fall onto his knees as if thinking otherwise. He said nothing, simply balanced precariously on the toes of his boots.
Kallie averted her gaze. As Graeson observed her silently, she refused to acknowledge whatever feeling was stirring in her core. Still, she couldn't help but notice how his hair had grown a little longer or how the scruff on his chin made him look even more rugged than usual.
Finally, he sighed and whispered, "Dani is hurting. She doesn't know what she's saying."
Kallie scoffed and looked up at him, her sea-storm eyes meeting his blazing silver ones. "She knows exactly what she is talking about. I betrayed him. I am the reason Fynn is dead."
Graeson's expression shadowed. "Your brother--"
"He may have been my brother by blood, but he does not deserve to have my name tied to his, even in death." Kallie looked away and out toward the surrounding swamp.
Even after a few weeks, the putrid musk of the Tetrian lands was horrid. Someone had said she would get used to it after a few days once she became accustomed to it, but Kallie was beginning to think she never would.
Just like she would never get used to the void in her mind, the emptiness inside of her, or the echo that rang in her ears.
Graeson reached out then. The coarse pads of his fingers, worn by decades of training, were a foreign comfort she did not wish to feel. "That wasn't you, Kalisandre."
Kallie laughed, but the sound came out gravelly and hoarse. Through tear-stained eyes, she glared at him. "Isn't that the worst part? It was all me."
"No, it wasn't."
Kallie stabbed a finger into her chest. "I was the one who let you take me to Pontia. I was the one who let you welcome me into your home. I was the one who let Fynn believe he could trust me, who blocked him out at every turn. My mind was a fortress, one even your best mind reader could not break." Her sternum spiked with pain, her finger bruising, yet she pressed on. "That was my doing, despite how much you all claim it wasn't. I didn't even see the monster hiding inside me. The lies and deceit sinking into my veins. I am a master manipulator, and yet I didn't even realize that I was being manipulated the entire time. How is that not my fault?"
Graeson's thumb stroked her cheek. When he spoke, his voice was sincere, tender as his breath brushed her skin. "Domitius has tricked many. He has been five steps ahead of us."
Kallie swatted his hand away. "I tried to kill you!" she protested.
"And I doubt that will be the last time," Graeson said with a smirk that soon fell, replaced by an unamused expression. "But it does not dispute the fact that you are not him. "
Kallie leaned back, her bottom hitting the ground and her legs collapsing around her.
"You are in control of your mind now, Kalisandre," Graeson whispered. "He will never manipulate you again."
A shiver ran down her spine, sticky and slithering.
Kallie shifted and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them tightly to her chest. "I can still feel it, Graeson. I can still--"
He grabbed her shoulders, his grip tightening around her as he stared at her with fear and dread in his eyes. "What do you mean? I thought it...I thought it worked."
"It did," Kallie said. She blinked, and her brows drew together. "At least, I think it did, but that doesn't erase the memories."
Then, as the warmth from his hands pressed into her arms, the heat sinking into her body, panic rose in her throat. She stumbled backward, away from his grasp. Graeson reached for her, but Kallie shook her head.
"Don't...don't touch me," she whispered.
"Kal?" Graeson asked, pain coating his eyes.
"Don't," she said again, her voice quiet but stern. "I don't...I don't trust myself right now, and neither should you."
His head sank, strands of hair cascading in front of his eyes and masking his face in shadows. Then, he stood, his eyes burning silver as he extended a hand to her. "You will not hurt me, Kal."
His words were stone, solid and firm, but even the strongest castles crumbled.
"You do not know that." Kallie ignored his outstretched hand and stood. She spun on her heel and headed back to the castle, refusing to look back.