Chapter Nineteen
I couldn’t look away. My fingers were disappearing, fading into thin air, and soon the rest of me would follow. The walls closed in, trapping me in the room, in my body. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Fear froze me, and my muscles would not respond.
A bang on the door snapped me out of my paralysis.
There came a second bang, then the door hit the floor.
Sitri stood in the empty frame, his face dark with alarm.
One of his hands settled on the hilt of his pistol.
He glanced around the room, brow furrowing as he realized there was nothing here to fight.
Apollo appeared behind him. Sitri waved him away, stepped inside, then collected the door from where it lay on the floor.
He did his best to return it to its frame.
It didn’t fit quite right, and likely never would again.
I didn’t want Sitri to see me like this, as a shadow of myself.
What I wanted even less were the eyes of lesser demons at my back.
For the time being, the broken door would provide some much-needed privacy, although it wasn’t perfect.
Sitri took slow, cautious steps towards me, as if I were a wounded animal that would lash out at him. He sat on the side of my bed. When he glanced at my ghostly hand, I swallowed. How he tolerated the sight of it was a mystery. I might vomit if I had to look at it much longer.
“I thought you had more time,” he whispered.
“You thought, or you hoped?”
The Prince didn’t answer. He reached out to me.
I flinched as he drew near, but couldn’t bring myself to move.
He took my hand in his. Sitri caressed the black bones where my fingers had once been, and I shivered as the gentle touch registered.
They weren’t fully gone, not yet. His contact was proof enough.
“I can stop it, Lillia. You know I can.”
Sitri squeezed, and I squeezed back. When I glanced up at him, he closed his eyes, lips tight and shoulders slumped.
I blinked, unused to seeing his emotions on display.
He kept them veiled, just like his intentions, as part of his ongoing deception.
This was one of those rare occasions when he let his mask slip, and I saw him for who he really was.
Holding my hand was the demon who’d been horrified by Vapula’s exploitation, who had fallen asleep in my bed, and who had stood in the hallway a few short hours ago.
I’d come to hate the distance he kept. I wished I could live forever in this moment, if only to keep this version of him by my side.
But it wasn’t meant to be.
“I don’t know if I can do this, Sitri. I don’t know anything anymore.”
When I pulled my hand away, he didn’t chase me.
“Do you want me to show you the ugly truth, or tell you a beautiful lie?”
“I… just want things to make sense for once. I feel so lost, like I’m losing myself, and I don’t know how to stop it.”
Sitri opened his eyes, our gazes met, and his intensity pierced me.
There was something in them, some shining silver sadness that made my chest grow tight, painful.
Even breathing became a struggle. When the tears came, I let them fall.
Sitri shifted closer, bringing his arm around my shoulder.
With his thumb, he found and brushed aside every droplet that rolled down my cheeks.
His warmth, his sandalwood scent, settled over me like a blanket.
“You stand at a precipice, Lillia. I can burn the death from your soul, share my strength with you, free you from Vapula, and from annihilation.” He hesitated. “Or you can fade away; spend your last days here, in comfort, as a human.”
My next breath rattled through me with a shudder. Sitri’s tenderness seemed so natural, so dangerous, so seductive and so… right. As if he wanted me to believe I had a say in deciding my fate—in anything he did.
“Even if I refuse, you can force your bindings on me.” That was the unspoken truth between us, that my humanity was a mercy given. If Sitri wanted to revoke it, there was nothing left to stop him. “I’m property here. My opinion doesn’t matter.”
“Do you think I would do that to you?” Sitri asked.
“You’ve denied me agency over less and claimed you were protecting me. Why should this be any different?”
“I want much more than just to bind you, but I will never take more than you give. Surely I’ve had enough opportunities for you to believe that, if nothing else.”
I opened my mouth to object, but didn’t have the words.
Sitri had protected me during the ambush at the gorge and hadn’t punished me for my interference.
He hadn’t taken advantage when I’d drunk myself into a stupor.
When we shared a bed, he disarmed, kept his clothes on, lit the room for my benefit.
And then he’d wrapped me in his arms, pulled me close, and refused to let me go. Caught me like a trap. When I confronted him, he even told me that I’d wanted it.
I’d almost started to believe him.
The first sobs wracked my chest, bringing a fresh, gripping pain that shook my entire body. Sitri shifted closer, pulling me against him. My suffering only worsened at his touch. It hurt—but I leaned into him anyway, desperate for the cold comfort he brought.
“What then?” I choked out. “Why are you doing this for me? To me?”
Sitri’s thumb strayed from my cheek, roaming over my skin as he studied my face. Read me like a book. His scrutiny raised goosebumps on my arms.
“Because I want you as my own,” he answered.
“Not as some mere consort, but as an equal; a partner, a lover. It would destroy me to watch you fade, but if it pleased you? I would see myself destroyed a thousand times over, darling. You remind me of who I was before Hell changed me, before I became a Prince. If only I were still that man… how differently the past few weeks would have gone.”
The silence that followed only made his words cut deeper, laced with deception I couldn’t quite bring myself to unravel.
“How do I know you’re telling the truth? That this isn’t just another lie?”
He paused, almost flinched. “You can’t—not unless you take a chance and trust me.”
Sitri trailed his hand down my cheek to my jaw. Gentle pressure tilted my head upwards until his form, blurry with tears, filled my vision.
“What do you want, Lillia? When was the last time you asked yourself that?”
“I don’t need to ask.” Another sob, a silent plea for air. “I know. I’ve always known.”
“Go on, then. Tell me.”
“I want freedom. Safety. To get away from this stupid war and find somewhere Vapula can’t hurt me. I want to make my own decisions in a world that’s real, where agency means something, and there aren’t any secrets.”
Sitri shook his head.
“A lie.” He spoke with certainty, as if it were an indisputable fact.
“What you desire is connection. Love. Your friends, your family, your Duke… they withheld it from you, didn’t they? You betray yourself so easily, darling—you always have.”
The Prince leaned in, and I wasn’t sure whether to pull back or hold my ground. His breath stirred hot against my skin. Time slowed to a crawl. I let Sitri close in on me. He gripped my waist; I brought my hand to his shoulder, but couldn’t quite push him away.
Then his lips met mine in a damning kiss, sweet as sugar and solanine.
Sitri’s mouth enveloped my entire world, and his body engulfed me.
I leaned into him, drinking him into my very being, returning the kiss with all I had to offer.
My face flushed with heat. I grew giddy.
Lightheaded. Everything spun in a rush unlike any I’d known before as he intoxicated me. Poisoned me.
When Sitri finally broke away, I reeled and gasped for air.
“You were never meant to serve in Vapula’s shadow.” His whisper caressed my cheek, sent an electric current to my core. “I cannot bring a human into my world. But as a demon, as my equal? Doors will open for you that you cannot even imagine.”
As I came back to reality, a smile faded from my face. A smile I hadn’t realized I was wearing.
“Trust me, Lillia. Allow me to bind you. Give this—give us—a chance. Try this new existence on for size, and if it doesn’t fit? You are free to go. You will have the strength to leave.”
I wanted to agree, to hand him whatever he asked for, to surrender to him, no matter the price.
What he offered me might be a dangerous lie, or the promise of salvation; there was no way to know until it was too late.
I glanced at the pitch-black bones jutting from the tips of my fingers.
If I didn’t stop it, that decay would spread and dissolve my soul.
Eat away at me until there was nothing left.
“And if I say yes? What happens then? If I… let you change me?” I asked.
“A ritual that binds your soul to me. It will take just a few minutes, and you can back out at any time, even once we start. Though it may be unpleasant, it will leave your mind unaltered, and your soul as close to human as is possible. If you cannot endure that, I won’t push you further. I swear.”
There was something about the gentle way he touched me, the soft, soothing words he spoke. All my life, I’d never known anything like this, and I craved it. Maybe Sitri knew better, and what I truly wanted was connection.
Maybe I’d let him convince me of that. And just maybe, he’d use it to unravel me.
“I’m scared, Sitri. I’m… so afraid.”
The Prince pulled back, face inches from mine, jaw tight. “Please, allow me to help you. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and fall. I promise I will catch you. What have you got to lose?”
A fresh wave of tears pooled in my eyes. As I studied Sitri’s expression, they cascaded down my cheeks. His silver-mirror irises reflected my pain. My fear. My hopelessness. In them, I saw the truth I’d known all along;
“Everything,” I whispered. “I have everything to lose.”
“Trust,” he murmured as he pulled me closer. “You have everything to lose, and everything to gain. What does your heart desire?”