Chapter 3
CARRIE
A drunken couple stumbled past, singing out of tune to a Coldplay classic, as Carrie prepared to say the words she’d not even said to herself.
‘None of it’s real,’ she mumbled.
‘Huh?’ Rae frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘The car… the trips… the expensive lifestyle, it’s all fake.
’ Yet it hadn’t felt fake, after a while, and running the account had lifted her spirits higher than the tower blocks near where she lived.
Yes, it had been time-consuming; yes, she’d had to put her friends off visiting.
She couldn’t have them see the lighting equipment she’d bought, the green screen for backdrops, the fake designer clothes and other props to support her fantasy.
Ariana sat down next to her.
‘What’s going on?’ demanded Rae, who remained standing, hands on her hips now.
‘I… I don’t know where to begin,’ mumbled Carrie, hardly audible because of the music and a bunch of lads singing along.
‘Try,’ said Ariana firmly, her face flushed. She leant forwards. ‘I want to understand one of the best friends I’ve had. School was so hard for me, being shy, and dyslexic, but none of that seemed to matter when I got older and met you two. I finally felt as if I fitted. Tell me I still do.’
‘Help us understand, Carrie, because you know this is crazy behaviour,’ said Rae in a tight voice, pointing at her. Ariana put a hand on Rae’s arm.
‘Let’s go into the chillout room, it’s quieter there,’ said Ariana.
Rae nodded and Carrie followed in a daze as they went into the room to the right of the bar. It had dimmed lighting, couches and beanbags, and a TV jazz channel played quietly in the background. They sat on a cluster of soft armchairs.
Ariana waved her hand around the room. ‘Is us having fun here pretend?’ she asked. ‘Are you secretly planning to leave us behind for something glitzier?’
‘No, I promise,’ said Carrie. ‘And it wasn’t about scamming people. But…’ She wrung her hands. ‘Don’t you ever look at your life and wonder if there’s more? It felt so good getting the likes and follows, as if my life meant something.’
‘Letting your hair down with us, laughing with a boss you like and respect, going back to a nice home with a cat you love… It’s not glossy, but all of that’s real. Is that so bad?’ asked Rae.
‘No! But…’ She put her hand to her chest. ‘Inside, it’s like something’s missing… as if I’m missing out on some destiny. I’ve felt this way for a number of years now, but more so since Mum died.’
‘A destiny that doesn’t include us?’ asked Ariana.
‘I… I’m sorry, I should have told you, but I… I didn’t think anyone else would get it.’ Carrie looked imploringly at their faces.
‘But isn’t that what’s so great about us three – we talk openly about things?
’ said Ariana. ‘We also accept the differences. I like women, you’re both into guys.
Rae eats gherkins out of a jar whereas they make you and me vom.
And she and I don’t hide when you’re drunk, Carrie, and do that embarrassing impression of the Kardashians…
Oh. Wait. The Kardashians… Is that it? You want to lead their lives? ’
This was all snowballing. Carrie wished she could turn on Jez’s fog machine and disappear.
‘No! You… you know how hard I had it at home. It was me and Mum with no other relatives. There was never enough money. I’ve always had to buy the cheapest brand for everything from teabags to tampons.
I wanted a taste of what it could be like to experience celebrity life, going to the best places and buying nice things without worrying I’d have to make sacrifices to do so, like cutting down on heating – even if it was all just pretend. My fake life was so utterly brilliant!’
Ariana’s top lip quivered. Rae’s shoulders slumped.
‘Can’t imagine anything worse than having to look amazing all the time, everyone knowing everything about your private stuff,’ Ariana said.
Rae picked up a straw from the table and bent it in half, not looking at Carrie. ‘How did you put these photos together?’
Carrie rubbed the back of her neck. Of course, Mum wouldn’t have approved of the account because of Carrie’s lying, but also because she was positively retro when it came to photos, and right until the end, preferred disposable cameras with physically printed-out shots to digital smartphone snaps.
‘Photoshopping, like you said – inserting or removing backgrounds. I watched tutorials online and used images from a free creative content site.’
‘Is this why you’ve been late a few times for work?’ asked Rae. ‘I remember you mentioning it and laughing it off with us, saying you were becoming ditzy in your old age.’
‘It’s taken commitment. I bought several thousand followers to get the account started, bought likes and comments too, reckoned it would pay off eventually.
I rented a car for a day. Treated myself to some new clothes – fake designer ones, though.
I buy high-end make-up brands – well, cheap rip-offs if I’m honest, but they do the job.
’ The photos looked so ‘with it’, as Mum would have said.
Carrie’s life had always been so ‘without it’, when it came to luxuries.
‘Do you get sponsorships and free products?’ asked Ariana.
‘A few. It sounds lame but the attention gives me a high. Every time I post something, others see me as aspirational; makes me feel special, as if I’m worth something.’
‘Don’t we do that for you?’ asked Ariana in a flat tone.
‘Yes! So much. It’s just…’
‘Not enough,’ muttered Rae. ‘Christ, it’s so shallow, Carrie, and—’
Ariana put her hand on Rae’s arm again. ‘Are you okay, Carrie?’ she asked. ‘Have you considered therapy? Bereavement counselling, maybe?’
Rae looked sheepish. ‘You… you could have talked more to us, you know? We’re always here.’
Carrie flushed. Oh God. Their pity was the worst. A sense of embarrassment overwhelmed her, compounded by the shame that they had found out – about an account that made her feel the opposite… Powerful, popular, pretty much perfect.
Yeah, who were they to make her feel like rubbish? With all their relatives, they had no idea what it was like to be utterly alone. Carrie had nothing to apologise for. She wouldn’t be made to feel bad. She wouldn’t.
Ariana tilted her head. ‘Let us be there for you, Carrie.’
Carrie snorted as an unpleasant sensation grew in her chest, bigger and bigger, like a spinning disco ball.
Was Ariana serious? How? She didn’t understand.
Neither of them could. ‘Be there for me? That’s a joke.
You’ve both got family. Both got parents, grandparents.
So what if I’ve taken time to do something for myself?
There’s always some family bash you’re going to, Ariana, or you’re on a video call to Jamaica with your gran and cousins, and you’ve got your girlfriend Izzy.
And how about you, Rae, driving up to Newcastle to see a match with your dad or go shopping with your mum and aunt? ’
Shock crossed Ariana and Rae’s faces.
‘That’s unfair,’ said Ariana, in a measured tone. ‘I’ve invited you along often enough.’
‘Yeah, to rub it in my face that I haven’t got a single blood relative in the world. You both effectively photoshop me out of your lives whenever it pleases you.’
Rae pursed her lips. ‘This is all really screwed up,’ she said and got out her phone again.
She found the Carry Away account and pointed to another photo on the screen.
‘That one was taken outside that new coffee shop in the Northern Quarter where Coleen Rooney was spotted. You made a big deal about going, Carrie; said the food was supposed to be incredible. You dressed up fancy and asked a passer-by to take a photo of us outside, going on about making memories. I could understand if we’d been in front of some awesome Manchester street art, or even a favourite café we regularly hung out in, but it was some random shot of us in the doorway of a place we didn’t know. ’
‘Guess it would have been weird asking one of us to snap you on your own, because we don’t do that unless we’ve had too many, and even then it’s usually just silly selfies,’ said Ariana. ‘Why did you photoshop us out?’
‘I suppose having a mate who’s never seen out of sportswear isn’t cool enough,’ said Rae.
‘Isn’t my skin pretty enough?’ Ariana brushed a hand over the old acne scars.
‘How can you even think those things? You’re both beauts. Can’t you see, it’s been a bit of fun, that’s all. I didn’t want to bring anyone else into it, certainly not without their permission.’
‘Come on, Carrie, you’re better than this,’ Ariana continued. She and Rae exchanged pitying glances.
Carrie’s fists curled tighter. ‘Don’t be sorry for me. My followers think I’m amazing!’
Rae’s cheeks flushed. ‘You could have at least given us the chance to support you; instead, you’ve kept all of this secret.’
Who were they to judge? To pity her? Darcy was right. They should be proud. Why couldn’t they be happy for her instead of criticising?
‘A good thing too, given how you’ve both reacted!’ snapped Carrie, throwing her hands in the air as that disco ball in her chest exploded. Her stool fell over as she rushed to her feet and strode out of the nightclub, doing everything in her power not to cry.