Chapter 19
Morning arrives faster than I would like.
The sun’s out, bright as ever, like it doesn’t know what day it is. The worst or the best day of my life.
And Diana still isn’t here.
There’s still time, I tell myself, but as it gets closer and closer to noon, when she’s supposed to be walking down the aisle to the rest of her life without me, I get more and more anxious.
I’ve been pacing in the grass in front of the RV long enough to start a path. Pat’s in his usual spot, leaning back in a faded lawn chair with a cigarette dangling between his fingers, watching me.
“Lil,” he says, smoke curling out of his mouth. “You’re gonna wear a hole in the ground, sit down.”
I don’t sit.
I can’t.
My heart is doing this horrible thing, beating too fast, too loud. I keep checking down the road even though I know she would have to walk. All of my confidence from yesterday has completely vanished, replaced by a certain dread that if she were coming, she already would have.
“She should’ve come by now,” I say, stopping to pluck the cigarette from between his fingers and pop it into my own mouth with a deep inhale. “She would’ve. If she—” I can’t finish.
I can’t force the words out.
If she loved me the way I love her, she would be here.
Pat shifts to sit upright, the chair squeaking under him. “Hey. Don’t go there yet. There’s still plenty of time.”
“There’s not,” I snap, taking my bottled-up emotions out on the cigarette as I stomp it out a little bit too aggressively.
“She’s getting married in—” I glance at my dad’s worn-out watch on my wrist. “Less than three hours. She would be up by now, she would have read the letter, and…” I pause, choking on the overwhelming emotions threatening to come up.
And Pat gives me this look that says everything. That it’s started to in, that he wants to tell me I’m wrong, but he’s not so sure that I am.
I sit down in the matching chair beside him.
“I thought… I really thought she’d read it and show up. Like she’d finally…” I trail off with a scoff, dragging my hand over my face.
“I’m so stupid.”
“Loving somebody ain’t stupid, Lil,” Pat tries, squinting at me through the sun.
It doesn’t help.
When the first church bell rings, a deep, heavy sound that rolls over the whole damn town, signifying it being time for Diana to walk down the aisle, it hits me hard. The final bits of hope drain out of me, leaving me an empty shell of heartbreak.
Pat freezes, halfway through flicking ash off the end of his joint.
It keeps ringing, another bell. Each chime louder than normal, echoing, the universe making sure I hear every second of it, shouting at me that what we have is wrong.
“Lil…” Pat starts, but I’m already moving.
I stand up so fast I slide in the wet grass, but I don’t even bother brushing the dirt off my jeans. I start walking. Through the field, toward the road, toward town, toward the garden where Diana is marrying Scott any moment.
“Lily.” Pat’s voice comes from behind me as he gets out of his chair to follow me. “Lily, hey, slow down—”
“Go away, Pat,” I say without turning around. My legs are already five steps ahead of my natural stride, burning as I walk faster than I should be able to.
“Please, wait a minute. I don’t think whatever you’re planning is a good idea,” he calls after me.
“I’m not planning anything.”
He jogs to catch up, landing beside me. “Lily, c’mon. Stop for a second. Talk to me.”
My boots pound as I step onto the road and turn toward Main Street.
“You’re shaking,” Pat says, breathless. “Lil, look at me, stop.” When I don’t, he physically stops me, grabbing my arm and holding it so I can’t keep walking.
I yank my arm, trying to pull free with my eyes focused on the direction I should be going right now. “I’m fine.”
“Why?” Pat asks, all serious like he isn’t completely stoned. “Why do you need to go?”
I exhale, shaky and raw. I almost feel dizzy, my brain fighting to process what’s actually happening.
“Because she should’ve come. I told her everything. Everything I’ve ever felt. I put my whole heart in her hands and…”
I blink fast, my throat tightening until I feel like I can’t breathe as that horrible, frantic ache in my chest continues. “She was supposed to come.”
“I know you did, but whatever you’re thinking of doing when you get there, all it’s gonna do is hurt you more.” I finally look at him, just a glance, and his face is soft with pity in a way that pisses me off.
“I need to see her. I have to know why she didn’t come. I have to hear it from her mouth. I can’t—” My voice cracks. “I can’t wonder why for the rest of my life.”
More of that infuriating pity flickers through his eyes, but so does understanding.
He lets me go with a nod.
I don’t wait around. The moment I’m free from his surprisingly strong grasp, I break into a run straight to the center of town.
I have to know why she chose him. Why she didn’t choose me.
I have to see it for myself.
When I reach the garden, the ceremony is already underway. I can hear the hum of a band playing a sweet tune, adding to the ambiance of the wedding of the year.
My steps slow without my meaning to because the garden doesn’t even look like itself. It’s like something out of one of those magazines Diana used to read when we were kids.
Flowers, pastel ribbon, white chairs arranged in perfect rows, little decorations everywhere, reflecting sunlight, and the long white aisle. It’s beautiful.
Of course it’s beautiful.
I don’t know how Diana did it so fast, but she’s created her dream wedding out of nothing.
I walk along the outer fence, out of sight, but I stop when I hear her voice. It sounds… different. Like she’s talking through a lump in her throat.
I kneel down, enough to peer through the gap in the fence.
She’s in her wedding dress, her veil pushed back, blonde hair pinned up in curls. She looks like an actual angel.
Scott has on that same smug, polished smile he’s been wearing since the day I met him, but he holds Diana’s hands in front of the entire town, in front of the pastor, and she says her vows.
To him.
I place my hands flat against the fence post to steady myself, suddenly unsure if my legs will keep me upright.
People are already crying in that way they always do at weddings, little sniffles, hands pressed over mouths or their chests.
I’m crying too, but it’s nothing like that.
My ribs burn from pulling in ragged breaths as my hand covers my mouth to stifle the sobs I can’t control. This can’t be happening. Not after everything, not after she made love to me and held me like she never wanted to let go.
Diana’s voice shakes as she repeats the last line of her vows and releases Scott’s hand to wipe a tear from her own eye.
For one horrible, hopeful second, I think, she’s going to run. She’s going to stop this. She’s still mine.
But she doesn’t run. She smiles.
I press my knuckles against my mouth to keep from making a sound because if I don’t, I might scream. Or run into the middle of the aisle and rip her away from him.
Instead, I crouch lower behind the fence, my breath coming in short, sharp bursts. It feels like I’m not getting enough air.
There are no words for this pain.
I’ve been sad before. Hurt before. Ever since Dad left, it’s been one train wreck after another when it comes to Lily Price. But watching Diana give herself to Scott completely, to vow to be with him forever, it’s something else entirely.
It feels like my heart is breaking apart in slow motion. I want to look away, to save myself from what’s going to happen next, but I can’t. I’m rooted here, forced to witness the exact moment I lose the love of my life.
Diana lifts her chin, eyes shining with tears. She gives Scott a tiny, trembling smile and then presses a small kiss to his lips, sealing their union.
I shatter alone, quiet and invisible.
She went through with it, she actually married him.
I don’t know how to exist in a world where that’s the end of our story.
It’s been an hour.
Music from the band has picked up, and tidbits of conversation drift my way, but I don’t move.
After the kiss, I slid down the fence I once painted for Diana, every board from my heart to her, and cried until I didn’t have any tears left.
Now, I force myself to stand on wobbly legs.
Everything in me feels hollow, but I don’t leave. I don’t know why I do it, to torture myself maybe, but I start toward the entrance of the garden, the gravel crunching under my dirty boots.
When Diana sees me walking toward her, a wide, bright smile replaces the fake one she was using to acknowledge her guests.
“You came!” she beams, throwing her arms around me in a tight, warm hug I don’t return. “I didn’t see you!” She holds me like all I am is her best friend, like she didn’t tear my heart right out of my chest and stomp on it.
She pulls back, hands still on my arms, glowing with happiness. “You should see the cake, Lily, it’s wonderful! And aren’t the flowers beautiful? Everything came together so well, and my dress! I wasn’t sure about it at first, but—”
“Did you get my letter?” I cut her off, my flat tone clashing with her brightness.
She blinks, confused by my bluntness, but then she giggles lightly. “Oh! Yes! That was so sweet, Lily!
Sweet.
The most vulnerable thing I’ve ever shared with anyone, my whole heart, my soul, every part of me laid bare for her, was sweet.
I feel the tear slide down my cheek before I even realize it’s happening and wipe it away quickly, ashamed that I ever let her have this much power over me.
Sweet.
I’ve known who Diana is this whole time. She abandons me when I need her, never chooses me over her money or her popularity. I must be the biggest idiot on earth, because I thought this time it was different.
She keeps talking, oblivious, still smiling as she takes my hand to pull me further into the garden. “You have to come look at the decorations, and Clara’s dress, and you’ll love the band…”