Chapter 32
Amanda and the kids had to leave yesterday, back to their lives so far away from mine. I know I’ll see them again soon, but I can’t help the sadness that remains in their absence.
It’s never soon enough.
But there’s something else along with the sadness this time, a spark of excitement after my talk with Amanda. It feels dangerous, like I shouldn’t acknowledge it. I never would have before.
But it’s my life, and I won’t let myself lose her again.
I exhale slowly as my mind drifts ahead.
I’m going to ask her on a date. Something fun, casual. I don’t want to scare her. Maybe a picnic in the park? Or a movie? I can see her face now, scrunching her nose in annoyance, but secretly having a good time.
The thought makes me smile.
I shift in my seat, trying to focus on the windy road that leads to her house. I need to show her that I’m ready, that I’m not scared of this anymore. She told me she was a lesbian so confidently. I need to show her it doesn’t scare me.
I’ve waited long enough for her. I don’t want to be scared anymore.
When her house finally comes into view, and I pull into the gravel driveway, my fingers twitch against the door handle.
In a moment, she’ll be out here, and I’ll have to restrain myself from kissing her breathless for the entire day.
I knock once and then step back, shifting my weight on the porch, smoothing my hands down the front of my dress that I all of a sudden regret wearing. I thought I looked okay back at the house, but now…
The door opens.
And I forget all of my own insecurities.
I forget how to breathe.
The green dress hugs her body just right, with the fabric dropping at her waist. Her freckled shoulders are bare, and her hair is pulled back messily, a contrast to the dress, but so her.
I know I’m staring, my eyes linger on her body for far too long, but I can’t tear them away.
“Wow,” I manage. “You look…”
She rolls her eyes with a huff. “Don’t start. I hate this thing.”
“You hate it?”
“Yes,” she says flatly. “It’s itchy.”
“You look beautiful,” I say, embarrassingly earnest.
She shrugs, tugging at the fabric. “You’re lucky I spent all that time bitching about people not wearing what Iris wanted on her day. I couldn’t be a hypocrite.”
“Right.” My eyes trace the line of her collarbone, the familiar shape of her mouth.
She watches me, her eyes narrowing the longer I stare. The dress really does make them pop. “You ready?”
I nod, even though I hardly know what I’m agreeing to. “Uh-huh.”
As we walk to the car together, I’m left wondering how I’m supposed to survive the rest of the evening with her looking like that.
My younger self was desensitized to her beauty, but now I can’t help but feel jealous of her and the way Lily let her touch her.
When we find Iris at the venue, her veil is crumpled, and her makeup is half done as she paces with a single high heel clutched in her hand.
She looks like she wants to cry, or throw up, or run away.
I know the feeling.
Although I’m sure Iris isn’t wishing it were Lily standing at the end of the aisle instead of her fiancé.
“Oh, thank god,” she says when she sees us, words tumbling over each other. “I don’t know if I can do this. My makeup is going on wrong, and my hair doesn’t look right, and what if Nate doesn’t like my dress—”
“Breathe, you look beautiful,” I say, taking the heel from her hand.
“You guys have to say that.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you,” Lily says. “If you were about to embarrass yourself, I’d tell you. Now sit down before you hurt yourself.”
Iris doesn’t sit. She drags a hand through her hair. “He still hasn’t shown up.”
“Who?”
“Nate’s dad,” she says, her lips turning down into a deeper frown. “He said he might come, but he’s not here, and I know Nate’s pretending he doesn’t care, but he does, and it’s my fault and-”
“That’s not your fault, sweetie.”
“It is. He hates me because I’m trans.” Her eyes fill with tears, threatening to ruin her makeup. “I don’t want Nate to be sad today. What if he regrets marrying me?”
“Hey,” Lily cuts in, firm as ever. She steps in front of Iris, placing her hands on her shoulders. “Wesley Senior has been a grumpy old asshole long before Nate met you. This is not about you. This is about a man who abandoned his kids, doing what he’s always done.”
“But what if Nate-”
“Nate’s marrying you because he loves you,” Lily says simply. “One miserable man doesn’t change that.”
I watch Iris’s shoulders relax, the panic easing from her face.
“And,” Lily adds, “if he does show up, I’d probably start a fight with him, so maybe it’s for the best.”
That earns her a weak laugh from Iris. “I’d pay to see that.”
I reach out and straighten her veil, my hands steady even as my heart aches for her. “Today is about the two of you. Not that asshole.”
Iris takes a deep breath, composing herself, then nods. “Okay, you’re right.” She looks between us, suddenly softer. “Thank you.”
Lily gives her a soft smile. “Go get married.”
The music starts, and a hush falls over the rows of chairs. Everyone stands, turning toward the aisle.
Following the flower girl and four sets of couples, the women all wearing the same color dress that we picked, in slightly different styles, Iris appears at the far end, accompanied by her father.
She looks nervous, being the center of attention, but she’s radiant. I turn back to her groom, waiting at the front, a look on his face that tells me he’s completely in love.
“Aww.”
“What?”
“He loves her so much,” I say, feeling the sting behind my eyes, the tightness in my throat. I press my lips together, willing myself to hold it together, but it’s no use. The tears come anyway.
I’ve always been a wedding crier.
Lily snorts. “Are you crying already?”
“I can’t help it,” I whisper back, swiping at my face. “It’s sweet.”
She rolls her eyes, reaching into her pocket and handing me a crumpled tissue. “You’re unbelievable.”
I take it, dabbing at my cheeks. When I turn to look at her to retort, I stop. Her jaw is clenched and her gaze fixed straight ahead, but her eyes are glassy too.
“Lily.”
“Don’t. It’s allergies.”
The officiant begins speaking about love and choosing each other forever. Nate can’t stop wiping his face, and Iris laughs at him, but her voice trembles too.
What would it be like, I wonder, to stand there with someone you love? My wedding was beautiful. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but the only tears I shed that day were for what I was losing.
Maybe one day I could stand in front of Lily and say those words. To promise to love her every day in front of all of our friends and families, in white dresses.
To my surprise, in the middle of their vows, Lily’s fingers slide into my lap and lace with my own, warm and comfortable, easy as anything.
We sit like that through the rest of the ceremony, hands clasped, shoulders touching. Halfway through, her thumb starts to rub my knuckles.
When Iris and Nate are pronounced married and share a kiss, the crowd erupts into applause, and Lily lets go.
The music shifts after the first dance as couples start to make their way to the dance floor. “Do you want to dance?”
She doesn’t even consider it. “No.”
“No?”
“No way,” she says, starting toward a table. “And don’t pout. You know I don’t dance.”
“I’m not pouting, and hey! You danced with me once,” I remind her, walking fast to keep up in heels.
“That was when I was young and easily manipulated.”
I laugh, joining her at a table that already has two people at it. A young man with blonde hair and a young woman about the same age lean toward each other, talking quietly.
Maybe arguing.
“Hello,” I say, smiling politely.
The boy looks up first, eyes flicking from me to Lily. “Oh. Hey. Hey, Ms. Price.”
“How are you doing?” Lily asks like she personally knows him. And she probably does. It seems that being the art teacher at Rosehill High has earned Lily quite the notoriety.
“Well, Iris’ got me wearing this,” he gestures toward his suit. “So how do you think?”
“I get what you mean,” Lily agrees, turning toward me. “This is Alex, he’s Nate’s little brother. And remind me of your name, dear?”
“Anika,” the girl perks up. “Iris is my older sister.”
Lily nods, “Right. I don’t believe I ever had you in class.”
“Well,” I say, ignoring the twinge of something Lily in teacher mode brings out. What is wrong with me? “It’s nice to meet you both.”
I glance between them, how close they’re sitting, and they are both attractive young people. Without thinking much of it, I ask, “So… are you two dating?”
The reaction is immediate.
“What?” Alex shouts, recoiling back.
“Oh my god, no,” Anika says at the same time, her face twisting in horror. “Absolutely not.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“You’re a child,” Anika shoots back. “And deeply annoying. The little brother I never wanted.”
Lily chuckles beside me, not even trying to hide it.
“I’m going to get a drink,” Anika announces, standing abruptly. “I need alcohol after that.” She walks off without another word.
I blink after her, a little startled. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s fine,” Alex says, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Well,” I tell him kindly, folding my hands together, “you’re a very handsome young man. I’m sure any girl would be happy to be your date.”
Alex doesn’t react the way I’m expecting. His shoulders hunch and his gaze drops down to the table. “Uh. Thanks.”
And before I can question it, Lily grabs my wrist with a too firm grip. “Come on,” she says. “I wanna dance.”
“But you just said—” She doesn’t let me finish, already pulling me toward the dance floor.
Once we’re at a spot on the dance floor she deems acceptable, she turns, wrapping her arms around my neck, leaving me to put my hands on her waist, which I do, tentatively.
“You didn’t want to dance five minutes ago.”
She rolls her eyes. “I changed my mind. And you don’t need to mess with that boy.”
“Mess with him? I was being nice.”
“You were being you,”
Her annoyed expression shifts to something more serious that makes my smile fade. “He’s had a rough time lately.”
I glance back toward the table, where Alex is sitting alone, staring at the tablecloth. “What do you mean?”
Lily exhales, looking away. “I don’t even wanna say.”
That makes me frown. “Lily.”
She shakes her head, and I get the feeling this is something I should let go of, so I do. I have Lily in my arms on a dance floor, and I’m not going to take that for granted.
“Well,” I say, pulling her closer, “since we’re here.”
Lily sighs like this is the greatest burden she’s ever carried, but she doesn’t let go of me. “One song.”
“That’s what you always say.”
One song turns into another. And then another. At some point, I stop counting. We talk a little, laugh a little, but mostly we move together, getting closer and closer as each song passes.
She looks at my lips more than once, and I have to fight the urge to kiss her right there in the middle of everyone.
Eventually, Iris and Nate appear, glowing in that newly-married and in-love way. “Ms. Price!” Nate calls, grinning. “Iris didn’t tell me you had a lady friend.” He winks at me, the implication loud and clear.
Iris elbows him hard in the ribs. “Stop it.”
“Ow! What?” he laughs. “You didn’t!”
I glance at Lily, expecting her to roll her eyes or jump back and put way too much space between us to overcompensate.
She does none of those things. She stays right where she is, hands around my neck. Unbothered, like the idea of us being together isn’t offensive at all.
If anything, she looks annoyed that our dance was interrupted.
“Was there something you needed, Coach Wesley?” Nate falters, properly scolded by Lily’s raised eyebrows and deadly frown.
Iris’s eyes flick between us, something knowing creeping into her smile. “Oh no, we’ll leave you two to your dance, we just wanted to make sure you’re still good for checking in on Alex while we’re on our trip.”
Lily waves her off. “Of course I am, hon. You two go have fun, break some furniture. We’ll all keep an eye on your boy.”
Her eyes drift back over to where Alex is sitting alone at the table, softening as she looks at the young man.
“Oh, we will,” Nate says with a smirk, earning a groan from Iris and a laugh from the rest of us.
Lily’s porch light is on when we pull up, a soft yellow glow lighting the darkness around us. We sit in the car, neither of us reaching for the door, the night still humming with music and laughter and the kind of happiness that you carry with you.
We danced. We laughed. My cheeks hurt from smiling.
I don’t remember the last time I smiled this much in a single day.
“Tonight was fun,” Lily says, the first thing either of us has said since we got in the car.
“It was.”
When Lily gets out of my car, I don’t know why I follow her to the door. It’s late, this is when I should be going home, but the night doesn’t feel complete yet.
“Well,” she says once she gets the door open, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed loosely over the green dress. “Thanks for being my date.”
“You never denied it,” I say before I can stop myself.
“Denied what?”
I can’t do this anymore.
After this entire summer, keeping myself at a distance, keeping my desire at bay, something inside of me snaps.
Lily’s breath catches when I take another step, her eyes widening as she realizes what I’m about to do. The remaining space between us feels unbearable.
I don’t give myself time to think, to lose my nerve.
I kiss her.
A soft, barely there press of my lips to hers, enough to say what I’ve been too afraid to voice out loud all this time. To tell her that I love her.
That I want this.
I want her.
And for one perfect, wonderful second, when her hands come up to grasp my arms, I think she’s going to kiss me back.