Chapter 20 #2
He charged into the kitchen. Then he stopped.
Felix was standing with his back facing him, bending over a cake.
He had rolled a slice of parchment paper into a rudimentary icing tube, which he was using to ice what had to be a carrot cake.
The kitchen was shockingly less messy than Jacob had pictured—the countertop was dotted with icing, but the stove, the sinks, and the other countertops were clean.
As if Felix had been cleaning as he went.
Jacob opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
He loved Felix when they were six years old and arguing over the best way to make a sandcastle.
He loved him in middle school when Felix hit his growth spurt first and spent the whole year crowing over it, only to get disappointed—fake disappointed, Jacob realized now—when Jacob got so much taller than him.
He loved Felix last year when he finally started wearing matching socks, which was achieved by buying identical black socks in bulk so it didn’t matter when he mixed up a pair.
Jacob had known so many versions of Felix, and he loved him now: his hoodie damp with suds, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on neatly frosting the cake. ’ Then for the following dialogue:
‘”Come on,” Felix muttered to himself. “Keep the pressure even, dipshit.”
“You can cook,” Jacob croaked.
Felix jumped, whirling around. A piece of icing-clad hair slapped into his forehead. It should have been gross. Felix made it look endearing.
Felix looked nervous. Then, so fast Jacob would have missed it if he didn’t know him so well, Felix pulled up a cocky smirk.
“What,” Felix said. “Like it’s hard?”
“And you’re cleaning,” Jacob said, gesturing at the shiny countertops. “But, like… well.”
“I learned.” Felix shrugged, like it was no big deal that he’d spent all his money for a full semester on how to be a good roommate. All for Jacob, because of course it was. Felix would never do this for anyone else.
Jacob blinked hard, fighting tears. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
He stepped closer. Felix moved back, his butt bumping into the counter.
“Uh,” Felix said, and laughed. “I wanted to surprise you? But the longer it went on… I don’t know. It dawned on me how much you don’t want this! You were right, we’d drive each other crazy. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I know I’m—”
Jacob surged forward and kissed him. He kissed Felix like he used to only be able to kiss him in the middle of sex, all his inhibitions forcefully stripped away, pouring everything he had into it. Only Felix could get him to that point. Without Felix, so much of Jacob was hidden, even to himself.
Felix made a muffled noise against his mouth. But he kissed back, his icing-covered hands closing cautiously around Jacob’s sleeves. Then he swore, pulling back.
“Shit,” Felix said, dropping Jacob’s arms and grimacing at the smudges of icing he’d left on Jacob’s shirt. “Sorry.”
Jacob shook his head. “I don’t give a shit about my shirt, Mess. I want you to drive me crazy. I want you.”
Felix’s mouth dropped open. Jacob had made him speechless, yet again. He was the only guy who could.
“I’ve always wanted you,” Jacob admitted in a rush.
“I just never let myself realize it. But I want you for real. No one else. I want… I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want your clothes to smell like my laundry detergent. I want our toothbrushes next to each other in the holder and I want to rinse it out every week because that’s what you’re meant to do, I don’t care what my parents say.
I want to correct your dishwasher technique, you shouldn’t put forks prong-side up, what if somebody falls on them and gets hurt? ”
“That’s never happened in the history of ever,” said Felix. He had a dazed, disbelieving smile, like he couldn’t quite convince himself this was happening. “What about David? You just signed the lease.”
“I didn’t sign it,” Jacob admitted. “I needed to talk to you. To see if you still wanted this.”
Felix laughed wetly. “Are you serious, man? Because if you go back on this… not to get serious on you, but I think that might kill me.”
“I’m serious,” Jacob said, brushing that sticky lock of hair away from Felix’s forehead. “And I’m sorry if that’s too much. I know I’m a lot, I try not to be, but—”
It was Felix’s turn to cut him off with a kiss. It ended too fast, Felix grinning too hard to keep going.
“I love you,” Felix said breathlessly. “I’m stupid in love with you, dude.”
Jacob’s cheeks hurt. He was grinning too, he realized. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled this hard, but he knew it would have been because of Felix.
“Yeah?” Jacob said. “Since when?”
“Like, fifth grade?” Felix laughed at the face Jacob made. “I was only fucking those guys because I couldn’t have you.”
“Oh,” Jacob said, reeling with delirious happiness. “We’re dumbasses.”
“The dumbest,” Felix agreed.
Jacob started to pull him back in. His phone rang—full ringtone, because his parents insisted he not keep it on silent in case of emergency—and Jacob growled through his teeth and dug it out.
“One second,” he said.
Felix nodded, some of his enthusiasm fading. Then Jacob exited out of the call and Felix’s giddiness came rushing back.
“Holy shit,” Felix crowed. “Is it happening? Are we finally getting rebellious Jacob?
“You fucking bet.” Jacob said, and took his hands. “Come with me.”
The rooftop access left a lot to be desired. But Jacob made sure the brick was wedged firmly in place before he walked out to the edge with Felix, still holding his hand.
Felix laughed. None of that fake, airy laughter he’d tossed out so often this semester: this laugh was deep and bright and real, the laugh that made Jacob stop and stare at him, transfixed even when he didn’t know why.
“What are we doing up here?” Felix demanded.
“What do you think?” Jacob said. He took a deep breath and turned toward the city, which gleamed below them in the evening air. He didn’t have to think about it—he screamed the first thing that came to mind.
“I AM ON A ROOF AND I AM YELLING,” he yelled. “I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! I AM ON A ROOF!”
Felix burst out laughing, shaking with it. He wiped his eyes and joined in, screaming: “I AM ON A ROOF ALSO! AND I, TOO, LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!”
“YEAH,” Jacob yelled.
“YEAAAAAH,” Felix screamed.
Jacob kissed Felix’s knuckles, feeling the healing burn against his lips and tasting aloe from the cream he’d rubbed into them before.
Felix stared into his eyes, so beautiful Jacob could hardly stand to look at him. But he didn’t look away. He would never look away from Felix and the feelings he inspired ever again.
“Jacob,” Felix whispered.
“Yes?”
Felix bit his lip. “My bed arrives tomorrow. I was gonna sleep in a pile of laundry on the floor tonight.”
Jacob chuckled, dropping his head into Felix’s sticky locks. “The shit I do for you.”
He kissed Felix again. Then he pulled him back toward the door, where Felix’s beautiful dinner was waiting.