28. Nicolette
Nicolette
A part of me had suspected Riot hadn’t been the one to kill his mother after my first night here.
I had looked into the eyes of evil men. I mean truly, evil, heartless, sell-your-own-daughter-into-slavery kind of men, and after I’d spent that day with Riot; the Center, our breakfast then him bringing me home like some kind of stray dog…
something felt truly off about the story that he’d told and then retold so many times.
When he flew into Brennan’s house after hearing us yelling while playing that robot game, I thought it was because he didn’t want me too close to Brennan.
He didn’t trust me not to ask questions.
But when he came outside once again with that wild look in his eyes, I realized he had never been afraid for Brennan. He’d been afraid for me.
I hadn’t waited for an answer when I asked him. I didn’t need one. The look of pure despondency in his eyes was all the truth I needed. But I still wanted to understand.
As welaywith our legs and bodies stilltangledtogether in the top bed sheet, Iwantedto understand.
Ineededto understand why hehadgivenup everything; his scholarship, his education, his future, his life — for ten years.
My fingersdrewcircles in the tiny curls of thin chest hair, my cheekpressedagainst the warmth of his shoulder.
His heartbeat was slow now, calm. I expected to see him asleep but when I gazed up, he was staring at the ceiling, a listless expression on his face.
Ipartedmy lips to ask him a question, but hebeatme to it.
“The summer after I graduated…” he began, and I stilled.
“I went away to training camp in early August. I had been nervous about how they would do. She and Brennan never got along, especially after Dad died. It was like my mom’s empathy and patience died alongside him.
I had made a point to call home every couple of days.
I called one Sunday and my mom picked up, we chatted, the usual.
I asked to talk to Brennan, and she said he wasn’t there.
She had enrolled him in a program that would ‘get him the help he needed’. ”
Riot’s throat bobbed.
“She said it was some kind of therapeutic wilderness program. No phones allowed but I could write to him. I assumed he was getting evaluated by some social workers, behavior therapists, I don’t know.
” He ran a hand over his chin. “He had always spent most of his time holed up in his room on the computer before that. I was glad he was getting out, maybe meeting friends in the real world.” He laughed humorlessly, and I leaned in a little closer to him.
“I wrote him a letter of encouragement .” He shook his head, an expression full of shame.
“I told him I was proud of him. That I hoped he could embrace the experience and that it was the right thing, the good thing for him.
“It wasn’t until I came home Labor Day weekend that I saw what they did to him. Brennan was back but…” Riot shuddered. “His eyes. I knew something was wrong. He was a shell of himself.”
Riot’s chest hitched. He closed his eyes.
“His skin was... translucent. He had these black circles under his eyes and would flinch at every sharp sound.” Riot took one more deep breath.
“As you may have deduced, Brennan has always been kind of asexual . Never showed any interest in girls growing up and I think he probably thought there was something wrong with him. So, Brennan being Brennan, needed empirical data. So, he looked up gay porn.” Riot waved a hand.
“I think to see if that did anything for him.” He frowned sadly.
“Mom went snooping on his computer. She found it and freaked.” He turned his head, and we locked eyes for a fleeting moment and I thought I saw Riot’s heart crumble to pieces all over again.
“You know, I don’t think it was the possibility of him being gay that made her snap.
I think it was some kind of loss of control.
Her children were the only two things she recognized about her life and I guess she felt like she was losing him.
” His eyes narrowed in thought. “It’s not an excuse, either way. ”
He looked down at our tangled bodies before meeting my eyes.
“It wasn’t a wilderness camp, Nic.” He blew out a breath. “It was a conversion therapy program.” I furrowed my brow, resting my chin on his chest. “One of those camps that basically, if they can’t pray the gay away, they’ll beat it out of you.”
My heart lurched and my mouth fell open.
“You’re kidding.”
“I wish I was.”
“Those still exist?”
“Apparently.”
“Jeez, poor Brennan.”
Riot huffed out a chuckle devoid of humor. “I keep going back to that letter I sent him.”
Iwrotehim a letter of encouragement… That Ihopedhe could embrace the experience and that itwasthe right thing, the good thing for him.
My heart broke open for Brennan who must have felt like he truly had lost everyone.
“He must have hated me because he didn’t speak to me until… a few months later.” Riot squeezed his eyes shut as if the words caused physical pain.
“It was a Friday night,” he said to the ceiling.
“Brennan had been chatting with some gamer online. Itwasn’t romantic .
” His chest rose andfellwith his breath, exhaling a cathartic sigh as the story spilled.
“But I guess theymadeplans to meet up in Charleston that weekend. Therewassome kind of Comic-Con convention.”A laughescapedhis chest.“I mean, real nerd shit. When hetoldMom his plans sheforbadeit, calling it some kind of gay retreat .”Riot’s headshookback and forth.
“Hewastwenty-three years old, and shetried grounding him. When that didn’t work, shedecidedthat itwastime to send him back to the camp. ”
I winced.
“When he heard her on the phone with the office, he took off in a panic. He said he’d rather die than go back there so he ran away and hid in the woods by the lake. That’s when he called me. I could hear the devastation in his voice. He was different. He was terrified.”
Riot was silent for a long moment. His breath caught in his throat, bobbing up and down.
“ItoldhimI’dbe there within a couple of hours andI’dpick him up. He could stay with me for as long as ittook. Itoldhim to go back home. To meet me there.”A long exhalepassedthrough Riot’s lips and tearsstungmy eyes.
“So, that’s what he did. He went home.” Riot looked down and bit his lip.
The guilt was all over his face and it made my chest hurt.
“By the time I got there, he had already stabbed her three times. Brennan was practically comatose. Clutching the knife and rocking back and forth on the front steps. He just kept repeating ‘I think she’s dead. I think she’s dead. ’ I went inside to check.”
He took a shaky breath and his body trembled.
“I’ll never forget it for as long as I live.
She was face down in the kitchen, a trail of blood leading from the living room like she’d…
” his voice cracked almost imperceptibly, “like she’d tried crawling to get to her phone that was on the kitchen counter. ”
Somethingpulleddistantly at my memory but Idismissedit. Iletthe silence hang heavy in the air,wrappingmy arms tighter around him as if it would take some of hissufferingaway.
“I barely noticed the fire that had started toward the back of the house. I ran outside after that and told Brennan to run. He refused over and over but I told him that I was going to make everything right. And to do that… he needed to go.” He shook his head in disbelief and that made me pause again .
“You didn’t start the fire?” I asked, and he looked down at me as if just realizing I was there.
“No. The news reports made it sound like I did. Honestly, I kind of assumed Brennan had. My mom did love candles. She’d always have one or two burning so one probably got knocked over in their struggle.” Riot’s chest deflated. “Kind of ironic.”
“What’s that?”
“My whole life literally went up in flames.” My throat tightened, and I found myself pressing my face harder into his chest. His right arm tightened around me in approval. “First Dad… Then Mom… Then my whole goddamn house.” He breathed out a humorless chuckle.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked.
“What? Confess?”Igavea slight nod of my head.
Heexhaleda long sigh.“Brennan could handle the high school bullies... But you can’t exactly talk your way out ofgettingassaultedin prison.
Me on the other hand?”Hetippedhis head back and forth.
“All-star college quarterbacks fair a little better than skinny white boys severely on the spectrum.”His wordspunchedme in the gut.
“All I could think aboutwaswhat would happen to him there. It would be fifty-fifty if he evenmadeit out and I couldn’t bear to think what would beleftof him if he did make it.
”Heshruggedhelplessly.“My parentsweregone. I couldn’t lose my brother too. ”
Riotastoundedme and Itriedto consider how selfless a personhadto be to accept responsibility for voluntary manslaughter because youwantedto protect your brother from what he might face in prison. Istudiedhis face and my heartmeltedfor the soul inside him.
“He didn’t want me to. Hebeggedme tolethim confess, but Itoldhim itwastoo late.
I’dalready done it and if hesaidanything it would get us both in trouble and it’d all be a waste.
SoI’dmadehim promise me that he would live his life and if he everfeltthat kind of threat or fear or anger like hehadthat night, he would just run away.
And until today, the secretwasthe two of ours and ours alone. ”
His eyes met mine and a fierce protectiveness struck me .