Chapter 18 Cam R — Crabs and campers
Madness in great ones must not unwatched go
Hamlet, William Shakespeare
I knocked on Cordy’s door nervously. This was weird.
She’d been doing stupid things lately, and I knew I had them coming, but she was nowhere near the prankster level of Miranda, so her efforts were just embarrassing.
Her text earlier today had requested that I come around to “talk.” I hadn’t spoken to Miranda for ages, but she hadn’t blocked me from her social media, so I knew she was in France.
It was a huge relief that she’d made it there, despite my sabotage.
I felt guilty the moment I sent that email and knew in my heart that I burned my last bridge with her.
I loved her still. I think I always would, but she obviously didn’t want me.
I’d filled my nights with other women, even with Jess.
She’d become a regular booty call, but I’d pledged to cut her off soon.
She was really clingy and was starting to talk about commitment.
If I could never truly commit to Miranda, there was no way I’d commit to Jess.
She really was just a friend. Sure, she had tits and a vagina, but that was the extent of it.
“Come in,” Cordelia said regally, stepping aside to gesture me in with a royal sweep of her arm. She was being very odd.
“Okkayyy,” I answered, following her into the kitchen. On her counter stool stood Dickhead Cam. I knew he was just waiting for my demise so he could make a move on my girl, so yeah, I hated the guy. If I’d known he would be here, I wouldn’t have come.
“Bad Cam,” he said, nodding at me.
“Worse Cam,” I replied sarcastically.
“Cam just dropped over. He’s waiting for Damon. Let’s go to the patio,” Cordelia offered.
She was fidgeting nervously. What was she going to tell me?
“Actually, no. Tell me Cam, have you texted Juliet lately?”
What?
“No,” I said slowly.
“Prove it,” she replied, crossing her arms over her chest. Asshole Cam shook his head slightly.
I unlocked my phone and held it out to Cordelia. She flicked through it for a nanosecond and seemed satisfied. Fuck, the Bard sisters were strange cats.
“Okay, outside.” She put my phone on the counter and grabbed my arm, dragging me forcefully outside.
She made a huge fuss of sitting me down on a lounger, taking the opposite seat herself.
“I wanted to talk to you about Miranda. Things didn’t end well, and I need to apologize for the pranks I’ve pulled.”
I nodded. Her pranks were shit. None of them worked.
“Forgiven. Now, I need to go. I’m due—”
She pulled my arm to force me to sit back down.
“That’s not all. It’s about … it’s about Mom and Dad.”
This was painful.
I sighed. “What about them?”
“Well, people get to a certain age, and they begin to think about things. About doing things together. You know, like in the twilight of their lives. Mom and Dad are thinking of buying a camper. I think they’re too old to be setting those things up and Jules agrees.”
I nodded, not understanding how I fit into this story.
“And well … I think that you can appreciate that.”
What the fuck was going on here?
“Cordelia, I don’t really care what your parents do.” I stood, only to be tugged down again.
“The thing is Cam, I think you do. That’s what I want to talk about.”
“No, I really don’t. Let them get a camper, Cordelia. I don’t really care. This is none of my business. Have you been drinking?”
“No, I haven’t,” she huffed. “But I do think this is a metaphor for your life. You know, the camper. And twilights.”
Yep, she’d definitely been drinking. That’s it. I was done.
I stood, flicking off her hand as she again tried to drag me down.
“Jess has crabs!” she shouted.
“What the fuck?” That did make me turn around. I hadn’t been itchy. Is this why she was being so weird and mysterious? Why the camper talk?
“How would you know that?” I asked.
“I just do. I heard it. From someone. She has nasty crabs, and they are treatment resistant. You’ll need to talk to a nurse. Or a doctor. Maybe even a professor.”
This was ridiculous. “Cordelia, I don’t know why you’re telling me this, but I haven’t even slept with Jess,” I lied.
“You have. I know it. And now you’re going to end up with the plague. Listen to me. I know what I’m talking about. The thing about crabs is ….” She trailed off, glancing at the kitchen window. She stood.
“Well, thank you for coming by. This is the last time I’ll speak to you,” she said formally.
This whole thing was fucking weird. If she asked to speak to me again, I’d just ghost her.
I walked inside and snatched my phone. Cam was still seated at the counter.
“Going already? Bye. Oh, and Cam, I’ll take it from here.” Then, the motherfucker winked at me.
I didn’t even answer him and made sure to slam the door on my way out. The fucking Bard family was insane and so were those connected to them. I should be grateful I escaped.
___________
Ping.
I woke groggily, grabbing for my phone. I squinted my eyes at the screen. Who was texting me at 4 am?
It wasn’t a text. It was some kind of message, like an app notification.
“Daily reminder: Being a decent human is free.”
I opened the notification, which took me to an app called “BroMinder.” I never installed this. I deleted the app and went back to sleep.
Ping.
Fucking hell. 5 am.
“Texting ‘u up’ doesn’t count as intimacy.”
BroMinder again. I deleted that! I deleted it again, pushing my finger furiously against the screen. Working at a mobile shop was fun, but it was full of dickheads.
By the time I dragged myself out of bed at 8 am, I had another two messages.
“Still no emotional growth detected. Please remember to water your soul.”
“Goal for today: Less narcissism, more functioning adult.”
“Reminder: A guitar and a man bun are not personality traits.”
I’d deleted this piece of shit app several times now.
This had to be a virus. I’d have to chat to Lee when I got to work.
If it wasn’t him who installed it, he’d at least help me get rid of it.
I didn’t want to go back to factory settings.
I had a million music memes on my phone that had taken me ages to accumulate.
When I arrived at work, Lee had called in sick. Great. Now I’d be covering for two people while dealing with constant BroMinder interruptions.
“Hey, Cam! Long time no see!” I spun around to see Melina, my cousin.
“Long time no see, cuz!” I walked around the counter and gave her a huge hug. “How is Auntie Toni?”
“She’s good. She’s only eating fruit these days. She’s insisting that it reinvigorates the soul.” Melina screwed up her nose.
“Well, let’s take a selfie. Mom will be stoked that you’re back in town!”
We huddled in together and I snapped a selfie of us.
“Send it to me too. I’ll forward it to Mom.”
I went to send it but noticed something in the corner of the image. Enlarging the picture, I saw the disappointed man meme. The disappointed cricket fan in his puffer vest with his hands on his hips stared at me from the corner of the screen with his viral look of disdain and boredom.
I snapped another photo, and there he was.
Again. Another fucking app. Realization dawned.
Asshole Cam was an app developer. That fucker messed with my phone when Cordelia was spilling her word vomit.
This was a mild punishment for sabotaging Randa, but it was as annoying as hell.
Even more annoying was the fact that he was the one behind it, like he was her protector now.
The guy was way more tech savvy than me. I sighed, drawing a confused look from Melina. I’d have to go back to factory settings. I couldn’t beat Cam at this game.
I turned my attention back to Melina, wondering what other fresh hell he’d planned for me. I’d delete this and not say a word. I deserved some karma. I just hoped it wouldn’t be a Harrison-level campaign.