Chapter 30 Miranda — Remorse
I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends
The Merry Wives of Windsor, William Shakespeare
I sat in the Walmart parking lot with my head on the steering wheel. Where else could I go? My house had imploded, I could no longer count on Bad Cam, not that I ever could, and I didn’t want to bring crazy to the door of my friends’ houses at this hour.
Juliet was right. I was a mess. I should be so much more stable now.
I know my teens were full of misguided adventure, but I was supposed to be an adult.
I was supposed to be working toward a reliable career, a solid future.
Instead, I was playing more games, but this time causing injury to a man who I was beginning to realize I had strong feelings for.
And he was so patient, sitting there at our dinner table with a calm look on his face.
I always thought stability and predictability were a little dull.
Jules’s life would kill me, but where had my patterns taken me?
I’d wasted years on an irresponsible commitment-phobe, probably because he was ‘safe.’ He’d never ask me for more than fun.
Monogamy was my only demand, and he’d delivered on that. Physically at least.
Good Cam was reliable. Stable. And something told me when he was with someone, he committed fully.
And that wasn’t safe. At least not for me.
I’d drive someone like him away in record time, even if I was on my best behavior.
Sure, Lucy had given him a good apprenticeship in spending time with someone who consistently found themselves in sticky situations, but I was like Lucy on steroids, even when I didn’t mean to be.
My “Thank Cam” campaign got him injured at each stage.
Controlled mischief was apparently my thing.
My Harrison campaign was flawless, but this … this was something else.
I stared at my dash pointlessly. I had to go home, but I’d been awful to Cordy, who had only been trying to defend me.
I threw Harrison’s infidelity in her face to take the heat off me, and outed Juliet’s teen pregnancy scare in front of everyone.
Now I was not only chaotic, I was cruel, and that wasn’t me. I knew that much.
I turned the key in the ignition. I’d start with Cordy.
Throw myself on her mercy and beg her forgiveness, which I knew without doubt she’d give freely and immediately.
Jules would be harder. I had to apologize for the pregnancy announcement, but I was still angry at her.
She had been irrationally angry at a situation that didn’t even involve her, but given her ‘darling’ snarl and baby jibe at Seamus, I suspected she had something deeper going on. Something she’d need her sister for.
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“Of course I forgive you,” Cordy said tearfully, throwing her arms around me. I looked around. Everything was clean and orderly, no doubt thanks to Mom and Dad, and potentially Lucy. Everyone else would have either stormed off or gone to comfort the fleeing loved one.
“I will talk to Jules too. I owe her an apology but am super pissed with her as well,” I responded. Cordy sniffed and dragged her sleeve under her nose. “Something’s up there. Maybe just text something supportive and leave her for a few days.”
I nodded, hugging Cordy again, this time tighter. “I am sorry. And I will apologize to Cam, too. He’s Damon’s friend and I’m sorry to have dragged him into my … my stuff. I’m going to be better. More responsible.”
Cordy smiled. “Oh Randa, don’t change. Yeah, so the shit hit the fan tonight but there was so much on the boil. Life would be boring if you changed. And it wouldn’t be you.”
Maybe. Maybe not, but my life might be steadier. I might feel organized, like those women on social media who clean the kitchen straight after dinner or don’t wear two pairs of stockings because both pairs have holes in different spots. I smiled back at Cordy.
“Dunno. Being me isn’t really paying off right now. But I did think of a good way to truly thank Cam.”
Cordy looked worried. “Oh please no. Send a fucking card, Miranda, I’m begging you.”
“He won’t get hurt. Hear me out.” I smiled at her excitedly. “But I’ll need your help. Everyone’s help.”
We shared a cup of tea while plotting, then headed off to our rooms. Damon had returned home for the night. Cordy often wanted to be alone when she was upset, and I suspect she wanted us to be alone when I returned.
It was late but I decided to begin my damage control anyway. Jules and Cam were responsible adults who no doubt had their ‘do not disturb’ on, so my texts wouldn’t wake them. I’d deal with Mom, Dad, and Lucy tomorrow.
Me: Jules, I’m sorry for what I said. I love you and even though I’m angry at you, I understand why you said all of that. If you need me, I’m here xx
Me: Cam, I’m so sorry for everything. I injured you, ghosted you, and subjected you to my family drama. Thank you for helping send me to France. I’m sorry about the awkward ‘pretend you don’t know’ thing. Please forgive me.
No word from Juliet, but Cam responded immediately.
Cam W: Forgive you? I was never mad. I’m just trying to figure out how to get injured again if it means hearing from you. Get me tickets to the next Bard blow up. And for the record, I’m not great at pretending I don’t want you.
Me: I swear I’m not trying to injure you for attention. That’s just an unfortunate coincidence. But for what it’s worth, I like hearing from you too. You’re kind of impossible not to like, you know that?
Cam: I’m taking you out, Randa. You’ve officially run out of ways to injure me, so it’s safe now. Saturday night? Sleep well, beautiful.
Wow. This was like a text from a boyfriend.
Me: Saturday good. Chat tomorrow with details. Goodnight x
I instantly felt bad as soon as I hit send. My response was like I was organizing a work meeting, and the kiss at the end was not enough to balance out the officious tone. Shit. Before I could change my mind, I located an appropriate meme, captioned it, and sent it.
Me: When you’ve had a rough night and he calls you beautiful.
I attached an image of a bedraggled cat, his huge wild eyes opened fully with a strange downward-turned mouth. He looked a mess, which was fitting, because I felt like a mess.
I smiled, feeling flushed, and changed Cam’s name from “Cam W” to just “Cam.” He was the default Cam now. Bad Cam became “Cam R,” which was a pointless change anyway given I’d blocked him.
Before I could drift off into a strangely settled sleep, my phone buzzed once more. Cam had sent an image of a cartoon prince staring dreamily at his princess with the caption “When she has no clue how beautiful she is.”
Torn between responding with a heart or a “ha ha,” I opted for the heart. Goodnight, dear Cam.