THIRTY-SIX
The steady patter of heavy rain fills my room. It’s rained for three days straight. Three days without a conversation. Three days where I’ve only ventured out of my room to steal food from Dax’s kitchen and do laundry. My birthday passes unnoticed, or I guess I should say my fake birthday. Either way, I spend the day alone. The loneliness hurts, but my lies hurt worse.
I stare at windows speckled with raindrops. They are backlit by the tree lights outside, which throw natural bokeh flares across the glass with each individual drop shining yellow-gold like stardust.
Despite being warm, the sound of the rain prickles my skin and raises the hair across my arms. I miss home. Or rather, I miss the kids. I miss them piling into my room when the thunder rumbles and the lightning bursts white across the sky. We’d read stories and snuggle or, if it was really bad, we’d prop up my blanket and light a torch beneath so they could camp out in safety.
Is it raining where they are?
Have they run to Mum and Carlo?
I always thought it was my job to comfort them, but the truth is I need them too.
I starfish across the duvet. My towelling pyjamas crackle as the static builds, so I stop.
The silence in the apartment is all-consuming. I’m either sinking in the vastness of the nothing or I’m flinching over every creak or rumble in the walls.
With no one else home, I have unlimited freedom to explore and yet I have no inclination to do anything but lounge here. I tried sketching but after covering two pages in messy, nonsensical ink scratches, I gave up.
A light arcs across the window, tyres roll over gravel and through rain. Probably Dax leaving to wherever he’s been spending his nights. He’s not even entered the apartment once since our meeting. He’s avoiding me, and it’s my fault.
God, I’m bored.
No. Not bored. Lonely.
My phone lights up followed by two consecutive beeps. I pick it up and see a name I’ve both been looking forward to and dreading in equal measure.
Aiden.
Are they safe? Is he?
I hold my breath as I read and then choke it all out in a confused huff.
Are you decent?
“What the hell does that mean? Is it some kind of code?”
“No, I’m just wondering if I can come in or if I should wait for you to get dressed?” His laughter-filled reply comes through my door. It takes a second for my brain to click.
Aiden’s here! I’m on my feet and throwing the door wide before he finishes laughing.
“What are you doing here? Is everything alright? Are they safe? Are you okay? Why didn’t you call? Dax didn’t say you were coming back.”
“That’s a lot of questions, pretty girl. Can I come in, or do you want me to wait downstairs for you?”
“No…Come in. There are cameras all over the place downstairs. We’ll talk easier here.”
His laughter doesn’t die, it fills his eyes and twitches at his lips as he watches me. I invite him inside with a stupid wave of my hand and Aiden saunters in heading straight for one of the armchairs in front of the window.
“Okay let’s see how many of those questions I caught. Are they safe? Yes. They were moved through two checkpoints and onto their new home. They have new identities and everything they need to get settled, including school placements for the twins, nursery placement for Casey, a job for Mara and Carlo too. They’re safe and hopefully, soon, they’ll be happy.
“Why didn’t I call?I didn’t call because it’s not safe for me to contact you while I’m with your family. We leave no clues,” he explains. I nod, understanding fully that if I’m being watched here, then any call I make can easily be pinpointed from my phone. It should be safe, but why take the risk?
“Am I okay? I’m fine aside from missing a certain little spitfire.” He grins. I blush. “Dax didn’t say, because I told him not to. I wanted to surprise you.
“What am I doing here?Where else would I go? And what was the last one…Is everything alright? Why don’t you tell me?” He leans forward in his chair, legs slightly apart and his elbows resting on his knees. His right hand cups the left and his thumbs cross as he stares me down.
Uh oh. Why does it feel like I’m in trouble?And then the most obvious reason hits me. “You’ve spoken to Dax?”
Aiden nods. “This afternoon. He called me as I’m heading back and tells me he’s majorly fucked things up. Warns me to get back and check on you. Says that it’s best if I have a chat with you and see if you’d prefer to be relocated.”
Relocated? “What!” He wants to ship me off? Would I go into hiding like my family? On my own? How would that solve anything?
“Are you unhappy here, Jules?” Aiden continues, interrupting my panic. “Did Dax do something you didn’t want him to do?”
His words pour ice on the inferno of possibilities in my head. Everything stops. My stomach twists, and I feel sick again. “Is that what he said?”
“He suggested something along those lines,” Aiden confirms. “He’s worried about your safety and well-being. He doesn’t want you to feel stuck or reliant upon someone you don’t trust.”
Shit. I’ve really screwed up and yet an apology isn’t the first thing out of my mouth. Snark seems to win out. “Talk about an overreaction…”
“So, what really happened? Why is Dax beating himself up? Do I need to beat him some too?” Aiden straightens, awaiting my answer. For a split second, I think he’s kidding and then I see his white-knuckled fists clenching. He means it. He’d hurt his boss…friend…whatever for me.
That’s not what I want. This is already so much bigger than I want it to be. I was just trying to pull away so I wouldn’t get hurt. I never imagined it would offend Dax so badly. “No! God, no. He’s not done anything wrong exactly.”
“Not exactly…” Aiden’s head tilts to the side as I try to plan my explanation. Is he playing with me? Anything I might say feels stupid. How do I explain Dax told Frank I’ll never be what Celeste was to him?
“I don’t want to feel used anymore.”
“Used?”
Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “Dax and I…we…”
Aiden’s eyes sparkle as he nods. “Dax couldn’t wait more than one night before he snuck into your room and slipped his tongue between your thighs?” He poses it as a question but he clearly knows exactly what Dax and I did. I was right about the two of them gossiping about me.
I hold my chin up. “Yes, but did he also tell you that he quit at the brink of my orgasm, wiped me from his skin like I was diseased, and fled from my room after reminding me I’ll never mean anything to him? Hmm? Did you gossip about that too?”
“There she is. Hello, Tiger.” Aiden leans back, not in the least bit upset at my outburst or accusation. “He told me, but in his version, he had a trigger response to you calling him by his given name and immediately regretted it.”
“Trigger response?”
“Something that reminds you of a trauma and…”
“I know what a trigger response is. I’m asking why his own name triggered him?”
“That, unfortunately, isn’t my story to tell.”
“Other people call him Dean,” I reason, more for myself than Aiden, but he answers me anyway.
“Those other people knew him when he was called Dean. He calls himself Dax now, and for a reason. It’s important to him that you know him as who he is now and not who he was then. That’s all I can tell you.”
“But he told Frank I’m nothing like Celeste…”
“So, you overheard that too.” Aiden takes a deep breath. “He’s going to have to explain that one himself. It’s not my place.”
“He doesn’t need to explain at all. It made sense in the moment. I heard the way he said it. She clearly meant a lot to him.”
Aiden watches me carefully and then shifts the direction of our discussion. “You must care about him.”
“I…what?”
“You’re hurt by what he said. You clearly want to mean something to him.”
“I just don’t want to be a game. I don’t want to be used and discarded like I’m nothing. I’m not asking for commitment or love or anything impossible. I just want to be respected. I deserve that much.” Even if it’s only from myself.
“You do. It’s the reason I asked him to wait until everything was safe before acting on his attraction to you.”
“You did? Why?”
“Because I worried that you might indulge in intimacy as a means to escape what was happening around you. You might consider using sex as a comfort.”
Fuck. That was pretty much what I’d said earlier too. “So, when I said what I said…”
“Dax knew he’d misread your consent and took advantage of his position as…what is it you called him? Harrison’s Hero?”
“That’s not what happened at all!”
Aiden raises his brow in challenge.
Yes, okay, I gave myself permission to enjoy Dax’s attentions because it was a nice distraction but it wasn’t all escape. I’m attracted to Dax. I have been since I first saw him. I was fully aware of what I was doing and my consent was legitimate.
But I’m also attracted to Aiden. His kiss still curls my toes when I think about it and if I focus, I can feel the pressure and heat of his lips. Do I have any right to want Dax when I want Aiden too? Should we even be having this discussion when Aiden asked me not to discount him and within hours I was in bed with Dax?
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m not really ready for anything. Maybe I’m seeking solace or affection because I’ve lost everything I hold dear?
“Why are you defending him? I thought you were interested…have you given up on…God, how do I even…”
“I’m defending Dax because he’s worth defending and you obviously care about him. Have I given up on pursuing you because of that—no.”
“But you can’t have it both ways. I can’t be Dax’s and yours…”
“You are your own person. You can share who you are with whomever you please. Just Dax, just me, Dax and me, others…whomever and however many people you want. You deserve to be loved and cared for. Who says you have to settle on one person? Take all the affection. You’ve gone without it for so long you deserve to be surrounded by it.”
“But people will…”
“People will crucify you for anything they like. If they’re inclined to hate you then they’ll find even the smallest, most insignificant thing and throw it in your face.”
“But this isn’t small or insignificant…”
“No, but if you own it—if you choose it willingly—it can’t hurt you.”
“You want me to choose this?”
“I’m suggesting an option. Firstly, we need to fix whatever misconceptions have grown between you and Dax. And then you need to make sure we’re what you want and that you’re not just choosing us because we’re your lifelines.”
“And if it’s not a misconception?” I ask, my eyes trained upon the floor beneath my feet. Aiden glides from the chair to my side in an instant, lifting my face to look up at his. He presses a kiss against my forehead.
“Oh, sweet little Tiger. It’s most certainly a misunderstanding.” His hand strokes my hair back from my face. “Trust me on that.”
“Okay.” I still have my doubts but even by my own admission I wasn’t looking for something serious. So, even if his entire world revolved around a dead girl that no living person could match up to, that was okay. I wasn’t asking to be his world. Just a small part of it for a short time. I judged and weighed him by forever-after when all I could offer was right now.
And Aiden makes it sound like there is much more to Dax’s story than I know.
Aiden falls back onto the bed, his hands behind his head and watches me. When I don’t move, he pats the space beside him. I lay back slowly and stare at the ceiling despite feeling his eyes watching the side of my face. We stay silent until the newness between us becomes comfortable. My shoulders sink into the mattress and I lift my feet up and press them to the bed too.
Aiden rolls onto his side to face me. When I risk a glance in his direction, he just smiles and gestures for me to roll over. I’m barely all the way over before his arm reaches out and yanks me into his body. His chin tucked into my shoulder.
“Much better,” he mumbles as he pulls his legs up and underneath mine until we’re officially spooning. I’ve never been in this position with anyone other than the kids where I was the big spoon keeping the nightmares at bay.
It feels…nice. Special. For once, I’m the one being protected. Does he realise, or is he just seeking a snuggle partner? If he realises, he doesn’t draw any attention to it. It’s another long moment before I’m able to relax again but as soon as I do, Aiden rewards me with a gentle kiss to my neck.
I should probably just sleep. The man must be exhausted after hauling my family to who-knows-where but something he said tickles at the edge of my mind.
He said they were lifelines. He wanted me to be sure I wasn’t ‘just choosing us because we’re your lifelines.’ He’s right. I need to be sure because if I want to be respected then I need to offer them that same respect too. But how do I know if I’m just using them to feel better about myself and my situation?
I take a deep breath. “About that lifelines thing.”
“Hmm.”
His warm breath buffets my neck and I almost forget to speak. “How can I tell for sure?”
He takes a second to structure his thoughts. “Ask yourself if we are interchangeable? If you were to go and live in Harrison city, the Art District, or even The Vale, would you still want us or would you avoid us? If a handsome young man told you he was in love with you and wanted to take you away from here entirely, would you ditch us without a second thought?”
“Or, on the flipside am I clutching onto you both as a way to stay out of the Vale?”
“Do you believe you’d do that?” Funny, because Aiden sounds thoroughly unconvinced.
My answer is instantaneous. “No.” If that was my goal, I’d not be fighting so hard to get my course finished. I’d be too busy seducing Dax to stay here in the lap of luxury. “I could walk away from here, no problem. The money and the house mean nothing.” But…The thought of not seeing Dax again, of not having Aiden’s warmth and kindness in my life…“But I’d struggle to walk away from you both,” I admit.
“Then you care for us. Not what we can offer you.”
“You’ve already given too much, but it’s not like I feel I owe you sex or affection in return for anything,” I admit. I’m almost glad he’s behind me. Saying that to his face would have been much harder.
“Good.” He gifts me another kiss, this time to the shoulder.
Now that we’re talking, it feels easier to just be honest with him. I can say it all out loud, all my fears voiced one time only, and have it done.
“I always assumed I’d have to walk away at some point. This isn’t my life and I’ll need to go back to chasing my plans.”
“College?” he asks.
I hum my agreement and then elaborate. “To start with, yes.”
“What comes after you graduate?”
Truth is, I don’t know. “I can’t afford an LLM — a Master’s degree — but I’m thinking of trying for a position in a big-name firm. Something that will allow me the security of a good wage with prospects for growth. If I can establish myself quickly, then I might be able to study and work at the same time.”
“So, you’d work as part of a legal team?”
I almost shrug and then remember his head is resting against my shoulder. “I guess.”
His fingers begin to trace patterns over my hand as he presses his point. “You don’t sound sure.”
“Is anyone ever sure of their path?”
His answering chuckle is warm against my skin. “Good point. Though I might have an alternative path to suggest for you after you’ve graduated.”
As interesting as his mysterious proposal sounds, I have to remember that in a years’ time he might not even be in my life. “Then you’ll be waiting a while.”
“Ah, yes. I almost forgot to tell you. You’ll be happy to know that you have a meeting tomorrow with the Head of Programming at Vale Community College and the Admissions Coordinator of Harrison University.”
I launch upright, pulling myself out of Aiden’s hold. “What? Wait…Why?”
“Dax,” Aiden replies. His smile is soft and indulgent. He pulls me back down so that I’m facing him this time. He tucks his chin on top of my head and laughs as I fidget to break free again.
When I finally get loose enough to glance up at him, I ask, “He made me a promise and fought for what I’d asked, even after I’d hurt him?”
“I told you he cares.” Aiden leans down and whispers against my ear. “We both do.”
“Thank you.” I don’t know what solution we might come to tomorrow or if there’s a solution at all, but the fact that Dax made the effort to arrange a chance means everything. “Tell Dax thank you, and I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt him; I was just trying to protect myself.”
“I know, Tiger. And you can tell him all that yourself. Tomorrow morning. After we both get some sleep. Now hush. We’ve both have a busy day ahead of us tomorrow.”
I roll in Aiden’s arms, unable to fight my smile, and let him curl into me again.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll get my life back on track.