Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO
Camilla
‘I’m going to turn this around,’ I mutter, knowing that I’m actively lying to myself. I’ve been messing up so badly on my courses, there’s really no hope of me changing things now.
Outside a gusty spring wind is blowing and dark clouds are gathering.
The door to the coffee shop where I am sitting on a Saturday afternoon is opening and closing regularly, forcing cold air to swirl around the café every time it does.
I’m not dressed as warmly as I should be but it’s spring and the sun was shining so I thought it would be warm.
I’m nursing my second cup of black coffee as I go through the feedback for my essay.
I can’t believe this is my essay, that I wrote it, and it really, really sucks according to my professor.
I hate that there is so much red pen, so many comments on it, such an awful grade scrawled at the top.
I should be better than this. I am better than this.
Or I was. At twenty-three, I’m someone who was once at the top of every class and is now struggling to pass.
I should be in a prestigious master’s programme.
I should be in the UK, at Cambridge. I should be… anywhere but here, anyone but me.
The door opens and stays open as a few people come in at once and I shiver, turning around to see how long it will stay open for and that’s when I see them.
Reese and Victoria, both dressed in jeans and light jumpers.
Reese’s curls tumble down her back and Victoria has her hair clipped away from her face.
They are giggling as they make their way to a table.
I haven’t seen Reese for close to eight months and Victoria for even longer. After I moved out, Reese waited a month before sending me a message that I still have on my phone.
Hey, I’m really sorry about how things went down. I really miss having you in my life and I hope that one day we can find our way back to the awesome friendship we had. I really do wish you well and I hope you’re okay.
I never replied to that message. Partly because I was embarrassed about my behaviour.
After I found a place in a shared house to stay and another crappy job, I realised that I had been kind of an arse when I lived with Reese.
She’s so sweet that it’s easy to take advantage of her.
I wanted to apologise but I couldn’t quite find the words.
And now here she is. Here they both are, appearing out of nowhere as if to remind me that once, I actually had friends.
They haven’t noticed me because I’m sitting in the back which means I can watch them. They both order from the waiter and then I see them whisper to each other, probably because the waiter is really cute with dark hair and big brown eyes.
Shoving my essay back in my bag, I consider leaving but then I don’t, instead waiting until they have their coffee and what looks like a piece of the lemon meringue tart to share.
Will they want to talk to me? Probably not but I can’t help remembering when I felt like I was part of something, even though I was never as close to them as they are to each other.
I had friends I could count on, especially Reese.
Standing, I take a deep breath and march over to their table before my courage deserts me.
‘Hey,’ I say because they are both looking down at Reese’s phone.
‘Camilla,’ says Victoria as she looks up, her brown eyes widening. ‘Hi.’ Her tone is high and cautious. Still the same old Victoria obviously.
‘Oh my God, Camilla,’ yelps Reese, and she stands and encloses me in an awkward hug.
There’s none of the wariness I can feel coming from Victoria, just her joy at seeing me.
‘Sit, sit down, sit. Do you want coffee? It’s been so long.
How are you? Are you done with your degree?
You must be doing your master’s now? What have you chosen to write your thesis on? How are you?’ she babbles.
I can’t help smiling at her. She’s just so sweet and she could have looked at me the same way Victoria is looking at me – with cool, silent appraisal.
‘I… um, yeah, nearly finished, not doing my master’s yet because I needed more time to finish a double degree.
’ That’s a lie. The single degree has been hard enough for me but it sounds more impressive than, I really screwed up and had to retake some classes.
‘And I’m living near uni and good, I’m good,’ I say as Reese nods enthusiastically.
Another lie. I am not good and I can’t get a university to accept me to do my master’s yet.
I’m doing badly, even in the courses I’m taking for the second time.
I never have enough time or enough money and I think my housemates hate me.
‘Good for you,’ says Victoria, her tone betraying how she really feels. Holding my gaze, she picks up her coffee and takes a sip and I can read a warning there.
‘Yeah,’ I agree, my stomach churning as Victoria stares at me.
She’s such a judgemental bitch. Underneath the table, my foot taps on the floor as I struggle to control the urge to get up and walk away but then I open my mouth and plunge in.
I’m here now. I look away from Victoria and directly at Reese.
‘I wanted to say, to tell you… I’m really sorry about everything that happened and you were right to kick me out.
I was a terrible room-mate and I’m sorry.
’ I say the words fast needing to get them out there.
‘Don’t worry about that,’ says Reese, flapping her hand. ‘I could have been so much less rigid. I’m working on that.’
‘She is,’ agrees Victoria. ‘Last week I left a plate in the sink for ten whole minutes before she put it into the dishwasher.’ She laughs and so does Reese so I join in, even though it hurts that Victoria is now living with Reese.
But of course that was going to happen when she got back from the UK.
‘And does Ben still live with you?’ I ask.
‘Oh God, no, he was such a dick,’ says Reese, exchanging a quick look with Victoria who visibly blushes. ‘He left one day and actually never came back for his stuff. We haven’t heard from him since.’ I glance at Victoria as Reese says this and notice her eyes dart sideways.
‘It wasn’t much stuff but he obviously changed his number so eventually I packed it up and took it to his parents’ place,’ continues Reese.
‘He was a bit of a dick,’ I agree. ‘Some of the stuff that made you angry was definitely him. I just…’
‘Oh no, did I blame you for things he did? I’m so, so sorry,’ says Reese, looking genuinely anguished.
‘Water under the bridge,’ I say and I smile.
‘Yeah, it’s best to leave Ben in the past where he belongs,’ says Victoria firmly.
‘So it’s just the two of you now?’ I ask.
‘Yes,’ says Victoria. She looks down and I know that there will be absolutely no discussion about me living with them again.
‘I’ve missed you guys,’ I say. ‘I’ve missed the game.’
‘Oh, me too, it’s not the same with just the two of us,’ says Reese and she picks up her fork, digging into her tart. ‘This is delicious, do you want some?’ she asks and I shake my head.
‘Well, why don’t you start us off, Camilla,’ says Victoria.
‘Let’s play the game and catch up.’ She smiles at me and my heart flutters.
Why do I feel nervous? Maybe because Victoria is looking at me like a cat looks at a mouse.
But I’m not someone she can play with. And at the same time, I do want back into this little group.
‘Okay,’ I agree. ‘My mother has now adopted her two foster children.
‘I’m in love with a wonderful man.’
The adoption is old news for me, but significant enough to count in this situation. When my mother told me that Sophie and Lia were officially going to become my sisters, I didn’t really know what to say, so I just replied, ‘Congratulations,’ and hung up the phone.
But the next week, I went over to the house.
‘Camilla?’ my mother said when she answered the door, as though she wasn’t actually sure it was me.
I told her that I wanted to get to know my new sisters, even as the words made my stomach churn.
Truthfully, I was thinking about my inheritance – as small as it will be.
One day, Coach and my mother will be gone and their house will be worth something.
I’m too young to be thinking like that but thinking about money occupies a large part of my life.
I need to stay in touch with my mother so that I get a piece of the inheritance pie.
I talk to them once a month now. I have nothing in common with Lia who is outgoing and bubbly once you get to know her.
She’s a swimmer who wins her races and loves training, so Coach thinks she’s just the best thing ever.
Sophie is quieter, reserved in the way that I would expect someone who has lost a mother to be and she’s not as compliant as I thought.
She pushes back against Coach, refuses to do everything he asks and I have to admit, I enjoy being there and seeing their little disagreements.
Sophie quit the swim team and that really pissed Coach off.
I was at their house for dinner just after she did it and she and Coach were still arguing.
‘It’s my life,’ she told him, ‘and I get to live it in a way that makes me happy,’ which I thought was really bold for a fourteen-year-old.
I waited, my fork in my hand with the spaghetti twirled around it, for him to trot out, ‘My house, my rules,’ but he didn’t.
You can’t exactly kick out your newly adopted daughter.
Afterwards I took both of them out for ice cream which delighted my mother.
‘You can always call me, you know,’ I told Sophie when we were waiting for Lia to choose her flavour. ‘I know what it’s like living with him.’
‘I may just do that,’ she said and I felt a moment of connection with her and I also thought that having someone who pushed back against him would be entertaining. There’s no reason why I can’t feed her issues with him and see if they grow into something that makes Coach suffer.
I won’t say any of this to Reese and Victoria. My relationship with my adopted sisters is not really something they need to know about right now. But I am interested in their reaction.
They both look at me and I can see them assessing what could be true even though it’s fairly obvious.
‘That must suck for you,’ says Victoria and I nod, blinking back stupid tears that surprise me every time they appear.
I hate handing people my pain to chew over and I hate the idea that I may have met a wonderful man is impossible.
But that’s the game. Bare your soul and you may be allowed back into the group. I know that.
I look towards Reese, wanting to hear from her and desperate to just move on from my pathetic little life. She nods. ‘I’ve decided that I want to work in events management, not teaching, and fingers crossed I’ll get a job with the company I applied to.
‘I’ve decided that I’m never getting married.’
Both Victoria and I burst out laughing because if anyone is getting married, it’s Reese.
‘It’s great that you know what you want to do,’ I tell her and she nods.
‘My turn,’ says Victoria. ‘I’ve been offered a new job in a small advertising firm which will finally, hopefully, lead to me getting a job in a big advertising firm.
‘I broke up with Liam because he cheated and I found out he cheated and then he tried to deny it.’
This time Reese laughs. ‘You broke up with Liam because he was boring. I knew that would happen eventually.’
Victoria smiles. ‘Yeah.’
‘You don’t want to write a novel anymore?’ I ask because that was always the dream.
Victoria shrugs. ‘I think maybe that’s on hold at the moment. Maybe when I get married and have kids, I can stay home and do it then. I don’t know.’
‘I think you’ll be great in advertising,’ I say, pulling out my most supportive smile.
‘Oh, we have to go,’ says Reese, glancing at her phone.
‘We have dinner with my folks.’ Victoria nods.
I am not invited to join but as they stand up Victoria says, ‘Well now you’re back, Camilla, I guess the game is back too.
’ She looks at me and raises her eyebrows a little and I understand what she’s saying.
I can be part of this friendship again if I behave and I don’t upset Reese.
She’s always been so protective of her. Reese is lucky to have not only great parents but also a friend who wants to take care of her.
I suppose she inspires that in people. Whereas I seem to only inspire contempt from everyone who is supposed to love me.
‘Yes, it’s great. It’s so nice to see you again,’ says Reese. ‘We have to have a movie night next week.’
I nod and smile.
‘Just need to duck to the bathroom,’ says Reese, offering me a quick hug before moving away.
‘She was really upset about having to ask you to leave,’ says Victoria, saying what she wanted to say the moment she saw me. ‘Really upset.’
‘I apologised,’ I reply.
‘Yeah, you did.’
‘I apologised, and I am really sorry,’ I say, clenching one fist and feeling my nails dig into my palm.
‘Yep, and I’m sure you won’t do anything to upset her again, so it’s all good.’ She nods as she says this.
I would like to think that everything will just settle back into how it was. But I know that it will never be the same. How can it be? I’ve lived through eight of the most horrendous months of my life and these two have just been sailing along.
Life may be the same or better for them but I am very different to who I was.
When they leave together, I tell myself one truth and one lie.
They don’t deserve what they have.
I won’t let my jealousy drive me to do the wrong thing.
I know which is which.