Chapter 20
Zara
The damn dog won’t pee outside. No matter what I do, he just won’t go. I walk around with him for ages, trying to get him to sniff and cock his leg—even squatting would be a great improvement.
I’m so busy trying to get him to go that I don’t hear the car pulling up in the yard. It’s the door slamming that startle both me and Snow.
I turn quickly, and my heart stops dead.
“Please, Zara, I just want to talk,” my mother says.
“Talk . . . to me? What the hell about?” I reply,
“I need to explain. I need to tell you the truth.”
“I know the truth. Everyone knows the truth. You married that bastard because you got pregnant. What else is there to know?”
“A lot. There is a lot you don’t know, and I know I don’t deserve a second of your time, but I think it would help you understand why things were the way they were.”
“Oh, and you think I should just invite you in for coffee?” I snipe at her. “I don’t think so. You had millions of chances to talk to me, but instead, you shut me out in the cold and left me to deal with him on my own. I don’t want you here. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and my heart hurts. I want to be the bigger person, but my own hurt goes too deep.
Drew appears in the doorway. “I think you should invite her in. It can’t hurt to hear what she has to say, and I’ll be right there with you.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath and walk inside. If she follows, she follows.
Snow bounces up the stairs and dives into his bed.
I sit on the couch and wait.
“If you upset her or even try to hurt her with words, I will throw you from the nearest fucking window. Do you fully understand what I’m saying?” I hear Drew warning her, and my tummy flutters.
She comes in and sits down opposite me. There’s a silence for a long time as she stares at her nails.
“Can you hurry it along? We were in the middle of training the dog,” Drew says, sitting on the arm of the couch.
She looks at me with tears in her eyes for a long moment before speaking. “I need to tell you how sorry I am. I also need to tell you why I did the things I did.”
Drew and I remain silent and listen to what she has to say.
“I was fifteen when I got pregnant. I didn’t even know I until I was four months gone. I told Thomas, and he tried to make me have an abortion, but because I was under sixteen, I would have needed my parents’ permission. That would have caused a huge scandal if it got out, so Thomas insisted that I marry him, and two days after I turned sixteen, I became his wife.
“It was the biggest mistake of my entire life. He didn’t want to be married, and he proved it over and over. He would bring women back to the house and sleep with them right under my nose, and each day my belly grew, and I loved you more and more. You were the only thing that stopped me from killing myself, Zara. I hated my life. I was a prisoner and a punching bag.
“The day you were born, he came to the hospital, and when they told him you were a girl, he went crazy, told me I was useless, that I couldn’t even get that right, and that I needed to be punished. The midwife who delivered you convinced me to have an implant in my arm, a contraceptive to stop me from getting pregnant again.
“The first day home from the hospital, the punishment started. The only time I was allowed to hold you was when you needed feeding. I couldn’t even change you, bathe you, or comfort you when you were crying. I wanted to, Zara, I really did, but he told me that if I did, he would put you up for adoption, and I’d never see you again.”
“You believed him?” I ask, not grasping what she’s saying.
“Yes. I was sixteen, and your father was already a powerful man. He said I needed to produce a boy, an heir to his fortune. I had no interest in being with him anymore, but that didn’t stop him. He tried and tried to get me pregnant, and thankfully, the implant did its job.
“He was desperate for an heir, which is why he did the deal with Mr. King. King invested in one of your father’s schemes in return for you being betrothed to Richard, and you would marry on your twenty-fifth birthday.
“Every time I tried to get closer to you, he would punish me. You thought I’d gone away on holiday, but I was locked away in the basement. I heard him tell you about my infidelities, but I swear, I have never been near another man.”
“Why didn’t you leave, take me with you?” I begin to cry.
“I was scared. He had everyone in his pocket. I had no one to turn to. Even my own sister couldn’t help. Laura would tell her mum if she was too worried, and then she’d tell me. I couldn’t do much, but I did try. I’d cause a distraction by arguing with him so that you could escape at least one beating. I’m so sorry, Zara. I’m not here to ask for your forgiveness, because I don’t deserve it. I just wanted you to know that I did love you. I do love you. I just wasn’t allowed to show you. And I hope you and Drew will be happy together.”
“Are you going to testify in court?” I ask.
“I’m their star witness apparently. I want them to lock him up and throw away the key.”
It’s a lot to take in, and I sit in silence for an hour after she leaves, the story playing out in my mind. The few times she was pleasant to me were always when my father was away.
Lots of pieces of the puzzle start to fall into place.
It wasn’t because I was a bad child, it was because I wasn’t a fucking boy. The despicableness of it all finally gets to me. Hurt and anger surge through me, and the book I’d been reading earlier gets thrown across the room before I break down and cry.
Drew comes and sits next to me and then pulls me into his lap.
“There’s one thing for sure: you’ve always got me, and I’ll always be here for you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. I really do.”
“You’ve got your answers now. It’s time to close that door and start a new beginning.”
“You’re right.”
“I’m always right.” He kisses me gently. “I love you, Zara, more than you will ever know.”
“I love you, too.”