Chapter 19
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
Alie
The moment Liam walks out of my office, I feel like something inside me has split in two.
I stand there staring at the door, maybe hoping that if I don’t move, he’ll come back.
He doesn’t.
I feel like my knees might just give out, so I make my way to my chair and sit. My hands are shaking so badly that I try to grab onto the edge of my desk to steady myself, but I can barely hold on.
“Oh God,” I whisper to myself.
Everything that I thought I knew was wrong. It feels like all the air in the room has been sucked out, and my heart is beating outside my chest.
I should have been the one to tell him.
With something this important, I should have found a way to get a hold of him.
I should have asked him about it at dinner the other night. I should have been more direct.
But I wasn’t. Now I have to face the fallout of my mistake. And the fact that my daughter hasn’t had her father. I might be sick.
I lay my head down on my desk and fight back my tears. I need to get it together.
A knock on the doorframe makes me practically jump out of my seat.
Presley pops her head in first, then slips inside with Sera on her hip.
“Hey,” she says gently. “He just left.”
I nod, my throat too tight to speak yet.
“He saw her?”
I nod again.
Sera reaches for me. “Mommy.”
I stand quickly and take her from my sister. Holding her close, I press my face into her hair and breathe her in like she’s the only thing solid in my world.
“Mommy sad?” she asks, patting my back with her little hands.
“I’m okay, baby.” I sniff.
Presley’s voice softens. “Do you want to get out of here?”
I look up at her, eyes watering. “Yeah.”
“I’ll be right back,” she says as she walks out the door.
“You ready to go home?” I set Sera down on the floor so I can start to pack up for the day.
“Ready.” She gives me a wide smile.
Presley walks back in seconds later. “A car will be here any minute.”
“Thanks,” I reply.
“I’ll be right back. I need to go get my bag from my office.” She walks out the door again.
Once I have my bag and my daughter’s backpack, we make our way to the lobby to wait for my sister.
Thankfully, I don’t see my dad when I leave because I have no doubt I look like a wreck. Then he’d have questions that I don’t want to answer yet.
Presley joins us, and we walk out just as the driver is pulling up.
“We could go stay at the house tonight instead of going to the city,” she suggests.
My parents have a home in Alpine, New Jersey, that we stay at sometimes too.
“Nah, I just want to go home.”
“Okay,” she says as she holds my bag while I get Sera into the car.
Once she’s locked in her car seat, I stand and take the bag from my sister.
“Do you need a hug?” She holds her arms out to me.
“No, not yet. I don’t want her to see me crying.” I touch her arm, though, before I get into the car.
Presley gets into the car on the other side, and as soon as we start to drive away from the complex, she looks over Sera at me.
What happened? she mouths.
I shake my head and mouth back, Not now.
“Mommy songs?” Sera grabs my hand.
“Sure, we can play some music.” I reach in front of me and turn on the music player, letting the Frozen soundtrack fill the silence.
I stare out the window the rest of the way home, lost in thought and regret.
It’s been a long day, and Sera was definitely feeling my emotional upheaval because she didn’t want to go to bed tonight.
When I make my way to the family room, my sister is sitting on the couch, waiting for me, scrolling on her phone, wineglass in hand.
She sees me and sets her phone down on the cushion beside her. “I got you a glass too,” she says, pointing to the glass on the coffee table.
“Thanks. I think I need about five of these tonight.” I pick up the glass and take a sip.
“So, tell me.”
I turn my body and fold my knees so I’m curled on the couch, facing her. “He saw her.”
“Obviously.” She rolls her eyes. “I saw him walk out. What did he say?”
It’s not what he said that has my mind reeling. It’s how he looked.
It was easier to picture Liam choosing football over us than to picture him looking at me in disgust. I could see it on his face, the moment it clicked for him. It was in the way his jaw locked, the way his hands dragged through his hair. It wasn’t indifference. It was loss. Two years of it.
“Well … he was genuinely shocked.” I rub my thumb along the rim of the glass.
“I’ve replayed that conversation a hundred times in my head, and it was genuine hurt.
And he looked … ” I hesitate, searching for the right word.
“He looked like someone had just told him he’d missed the most important game of his life.
He got really angry when I told him that Aaron had told me he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me, and that football was more important. ”
“I knew it … ” she mumbles.
“What did you know?”
She shakes her head. “I just had a gut feeling that Aaron wasn’t being completely honest with you about reaching Liam.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Alie, you didn’t want to hear it, and I get it. At the time, you were totally overwhelmed by the idea of having a baby, and I think it was easier for you to think Liam was the bad guy rather than considering the possibility that Aaron wasn’t telling you the truth.”
She’s not wrong. I was on a roller coaster of highs and lows in the beginning of my pregnancy. Aaron was my ally and best friend. I wouldn’t have thought—and still can’t imagine why—he would lie to me about this.
But I think … he actually might have.
“Well, now I feel horrible. Like I want to crawl into a hole. I feel confused. I feel nervous about what this means for Seraphina.”
She nods. “Understandable. This is a lot.”
“You should have seen him when he asked me if she was his.” I put my hand on my heart. “I think it broke something in me. He looked shattered. And that’s why I think he’s telling me the truth. You can’t fake raw emotion like that.”
“Not unless you’re an amazing actor, which he isn’t. He can’t even look at you across the room without it being obvious he wants you.”
“I don’t think he’ll want anything to do with me after today. And I have no idea what he wants with Sera.”
I start to cry again—exhausted tears like they’ve been waiting years to fall.
Presley scoots closer to me and takes my glass from my hand and sets it on the table, then wraps me in a hug.
“You should have been the one to tell him,” she whispers.
“I know.”
“I understand why you didn’t at the time.
You were fresh out of college, scared, and you thought he was a player with another baby on the way with another woman.
You were an emotional wreck, who was also worried about what your parents would say and if the media would find out and make a big deal about the Grants’ daughter having a love child.
It was a rough pregnancy for you. You trusted your best friend when he said he would have your back.
He promised to take care of the hard part for you, but the responsibility fell on you.
” She lets me go, but stays close, resting her hand on my leg.
“Don’t you think I know that? God, Pres, you’re making me feel even worse.”
“You’re upset because I’m right. And I know you, and I know you’ll beat yourself up over this for a long time.”
I press the heel of my hand to my sternum, like I can physically hold the ache in place. “I’m scared that this can’t be fixed.”
“What can’t be fixed?”
“My mistake. I took away time with his daughter. She lost time with her father. He’ll never trust me, and it will affect his relationship with Seraphina. How does he get over this? He’s missed so much.”
“Is it just Seraphina you’re worried about?”
“Of course it is. I have to coparent with him. And I don’t want him to treat her differently because he resents me.”
My sister looks at me knowingly. “And?”
I drop my head back and sigh. “Okay, fine.” I look at her, my eyes starting to water. “How could he trust me now? I thought I’d gotten over him. But after seeing him and spending time with him, clearly, I haven’t. And now, whatever it is that we’ve started, it could already be over.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I think I just all but guaranteed that it is.”
“Alie, I don’t know the guy well, but based on the look on his face when he walked out of your office today, I don’t think it is.”
“I can’t stop thinking about the way he looked at me before he left. Like I’d broken something that he couldn’t fix.”
She doesn’t say anything—because what can you say to that?
“What am I going to do? I’ve ruined this. And any feelings he might have had for me … oh God, our kiss. He must think I’m awful.”
She takes my hand and squeezes it. “Or maybe this is just the hard part before it gets better.”
I wish I believed her.