Chapter Twenty-Five
Twenty-Five
I couldn’t believe my eyes.
The Tina I knew had been rail thin, her riot of hair framing a hollowed face; this Tina had a round face and straightened hair dyed blond. She wore a leopard print beanie and a puffer coat with a faux fur trim. She hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe, then pulled away and took a good look at me.
“Angel,” she said, putting her hands on my cheeks. She wasn’t wearing mittens, and her hands were ice-cold.
“Mom.” I was in shock. “What… how?”
Tina laughed, the same husky laugh I remembered from my childhood. “I told you she’d be surprised,” she called over her shoulder, her words appearing as dragon breath in the night air.
My stomach sank when I saw she had someone with her.
It was a beefy man, in his fifties or sixties, with a salt and pepper goatee.
He wore a sheepskin coat and work boots and he was smoking a cigarette, flicking ash into the snowdrift next to the stairs.
The Christmas lights threw candy colors across his face.
“Angel, this is Tate. I told you about him in my letters—my special friend from Hazelton. And Tate, this is my angel baby. Zoe.”
“Heya Zoe,” Tate said gruffly.
I was sweating, even though the December air was arctic. “How… I mean… how?” My mind was racing so fast I couldn’t grab hold of a thought. Tina. Here. How?
“I got paroled,” she said gleefully. “Good behavior!”
“But… why didn’t you tell me?” And then it hit. “Wait, if you’re on parole, you’re not allowed to leave the state.”
Tina flapped a hand at me. “It’s Christmas,” she said, laughing again. “Who’s going to hold it against me, wanting to see my baby girl for Christmas?”
“Uh, the parole board?”
“She always was a worrier,” Tina told Tate.
He stubbed his cigarette out on my porch rail and tossed it into the snow. “Is she going to ask us in? I’m freezing my nuts off out here.”
I didn’t want to ask them in. My stomach was in a cold, hard knot. And then I heard a small voice behind me.
“Mom?”
Oh God. Flo.
It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. Flo stepped out into the hall, carrying one of her lanky kittens, her head cocked. “Mom? Who’s at the door?”
“Mom?” Tina all but exploded. “Did she call you Mom?”
Flo looked back and forth between me and Tina, unsettled. “Mom? Who’s that?”
“Oh my God, Angel, don’t tell me I’m a grandma!” Tina grabbed at Tate’s arm. “Tate! I’m a grandma!”
My head was swimming. I felt like I might faint, even though I’d never fainted before in my life.
“Mom?” Flo sounded a little panicked. She crept closer to me. “Mom, what’s she talking about?”
The commotion had drawn people from the parlor. Suni and Jake appeared first, the others close behind.
“It’s okay, honey,” I said, drawing Flo close.
“You had a baby?” Tina said, looking at me with big, wondering eyes. And then the penny dropped. “And you never told me?”
“How did you know where I lived?” I asked shakily. I’d never told her that either. Her letters were always delivered to Suni and Wayne’s house.
“Tate’s got a friend who works at Social Security,” Tina said. She was fascinated by Flo.
“But that’s illegal!” Suni exclaimed. “They’re not allowed to give out private information!”
Tina scoffed. “No one is going to call the cops on a mother trying to find her long lost daughter.”
“Still freezing my nuts off out here,” Tate grumbled.
“He’s right,” said Tina. “We’re freezing out here. Don’t be rude, Angel—let us in.” Tina crossed the threshold, pulling Tate in her wake. “We’ve been driving for more than twelve hours to get here, and in bad weather to boot.”
Jake joined me and Flo at the door. I didn’t close it. I felt panicked at the thought of closing it. “Are you okay?” he murmured. “What’s happening?”
“No,” I said, my teeth chattering, more from the shock than the cold. “I’m not okay.”
My memories of Tina were colliding with the actual Tina who stood here before me in the flesh.
I saw flashes of her dancing in our apartment, singing into a wooden spoon like it was a microphone, stopping halfway through doing her makeup to swipe some lipstick on me, curling up in bed like a cat while I read to her.
But here in front of me was a wrinkled older woman with the energy of a prowling animal.
And Tate. A prison guard who had helped my mom break parole and illegally ripped my details from a database.
I felt my two lives—past and present—colliding.
It was like watching a documentary where a black hole swallowed a star. My life was hitting an event horizon.
“Mom.” Flo pulled my head down to look at her. “She said she’s my grandma.”
“I am, precious,” Tina exclaimed. “I’m your Grandma Tina.” She bent over so she could be eye to eye with Flo. “Oh my goodness, this can’t be real. And what’s your name, baby angel?”
Flo’s nose wrinkled.
“This is Florence,” I said, still shivering.
Jake gently closed the door and put his arm around me.
“Florence?” Now Tina’s nose wrinkled. “Why Florence?”
“Because I liked it,” I said tightly.
“Sounds like an old British woman.”
“Any chance I can use your restroom?” Tate asked, bored with the whole scene.
I didn’t want him in my house.
“I’ll show you where it is,” Jake rumbled. I saw him exchange glances with Wayne and Lance as he led Tate to the bathroom.
“Did your mommy tell you about me?” Tina asked Flo, smiling.
The smile dropped when Flo shook her head. Tina stood up abruptly and fixed me with a wounded glare. “I don’t know about her, she doesn’t know about me—what the hell, Angel?”
“Mom?” Flo looked up at me, and for the first time in a very long time I saw her look a bit scared. My heart pinched painfully.
“Okay,” I said. “Stop. Let’s just stop.” I tried to gather my wits. This was what happened with Tina. Chaos. I had to find some order. “Look, Tina—”
“Tina? Since when am I not Mom?”
“Mom,” I corrected myself. “I didn’t tell Flo about you because…” I couldn’t say it. Or maybe it was just there were too many things to say. “Because she was young, and I didn’t know how to explain it so that she’d understand.”
“Explain what?” Flo asked, sounding more subdued than normal.
“Explain that your grandma was in prison,” Tina told her, flinging her hands up dramatically. “That she was a junkie. Your mom is ashamed of me.”
Flo was still looking up at me, her big dark eyes full of questions. I squeezed her, hoping she’d understand that I’d answer them later.
“I didn’t know how to have that conversation with a little kid,” I said, keeping my voice even. “It wasn’t that I was ashamed.” Although I was.
“Listen,” Suni stepped into the fray, trying a placating smile. “It’s late, and it’s Christmas—”
“And who’s this?” Tina asked, eyes narrowing.
“You know who this is,” I said, exasperated. “Suni used to bring me to my visits, remember? She’s my foster mother.”
Tina turned cold. “I’m your mother, Angel.” She was brittle with hurt.
I felt the old acid disloyalty I used to feel when I was younger and caught myself enjoying Suni’s affection. I knew Tina got jealous. Not jealous enough to clean herself up and come get me, but jealous enough to make me feel awful about liking Suni.
Jake and Tate emerged from the back of the house, providing a welcome distraction.
“I was just talking to Tate,” Jake said, ushering the man ahead of him, in the direction of the front door.
“I’ve got a cousin who runs a motel just up by Rockport—only ten minutes up the road.
I can pull some strings and get you a free room for the night.
It’s a real nice place with a view of the ocean and they serve a mean breakfast, all included with the room.
As you can see, we’ve got kind of a full house here, nowhere comfortable to sleep for a couple who’ve been on the road for more than twelve hours. ”
Somehow, he managed to hustle them out with a steady stream of chatter.
“You know what?” he said. “You really ought to see Camden while you’re here, and I’ve got another cousin who runs a beautiful little bar, cozy, also with ocean views.
You guys could have lunch there with Zoe tomorrow and talk things out.
I’ll get my pickup and you can follow me to the motel, how’s that sound? ”
He placated Tina with all his friendly talk and his promises of time with me tomorrow.
“I just wanted to give you a Christmas surprise, Angel,” Tina told me petulantly, as she was ushered out to Tate’s car.
“You certainly did that,” I admitted.
“Well, so did you.” Her gaze locked on Flo. She bent over again. “And I’ll see you tomorrow, Baby Angel. Your Grandma Tina can’t wait to get to know you!”
“Well, you sure have some explaining to do,” Flo declared as soon as I’d closed the door and put the security chain on.
“All right, everyone else to bed,” Suni declared, clapping her hands. “Let’s give these two some privacy.” She took the kitten out of Flo’s arms. “I’ll settle these little ones.” She kissed Flo on the forehead, then she gave me a sympathetic look and kissed me too.
“Jake left Hazel behind,” I said numbly, as I heard her whine in the parlor.
“He’ll come back for her, I guess, after he deals with… my grandmother.” Flo fixed me with a disbelieving stare. “I mean, what the fuck, Mom?”
“Florence! Language!”
“She said I looked like an old English lady!”
“No,” I corrected her, as a slightly hysterical giggle escaped me. “She said your name sounded like the name of an old English lady.”
Hazel whined again.
“A junkie is a drug addict,” Flo said as we drifted into the parlor to soothe the puppy. Hazel strained on her leash, her dark eyes begging us to bring Jake back to her. Flo sat in the armchair and pulled the dog into her lap.
“Don’t say ‘junkie.’ ” I sighed, sinking down to sit on the floor at her feet, facing the fire, which was starting to die down to coals.
“She has a disease called addiction.” The tree lights winked on and off.
“It’s not her fault.” I felt a spurt of anger as I said the words.
Part of me wanted to force Tina to take the blame.
I wanted to rage at her and curse her and shame her and vent decades of poisonous anger.
I wrestled with myself to find compassion, reminding myself I wanted Flo to learn kindness and understanding, not bitterness and judgment.
“Your mom was a drug addict,” Flo marveled. “Like on Law and Order.”
“Yes.”
“And she was in prison?”
“Yes.” I felt tears pricking.
“You can crash out now if you need to. I think this warrants it.” I felt her hand land on my head. She gave me a couple of pats. “Is that why you were with Suni and Wayne when you were a kid? Because your mom was in prison?”
I told her an abbreviated version, omitting the details which I knew she was too young for. Even though I lived with them when I was her age. Younger. And for a shocking moment as I looked at her I saw myself at her age, desperately needing a mother’s protection.
Flo’s pats turned to strokes. She ran her fingers through my hair.
“Mom?”
“Yes, honey?”
“Is she dangerous? Because she kind of scared me.”
“I don’t think she means to be,” I said, my throat swollen. It was hard to get the words out. “But yes. And she scares me too.”
Flo slid off the armchair to the floor next to me, bringing Hazel with her. “Is she still a drug addict?”
“I don’t think you ever stop being a drug addict. You’re just using or not using, but you’re always an addict. Like I said, it’s an illness. You can manage it but you can’t cure it.”
“Is she using, then?”
I put my arm around her and rested my cheek on her head. “I don’t know, honey.”
But the signs sure weren’t good.
We sat there, having slow circling conversations, falling into silence broken only by the sound of the coals hissing in the grate and Hazel snoring, until my phone buzzed.
“It’s Jake,” I told Flo, when she stiffened.
“Oh.” She relaxed.
“Hey,” he said, when I picked up. “I’m outside. I didn’t want to knock in case people were asleep.”
I kissed Flo and disentangled myself, padding to the front door to let him in. The snow had thickened to hazy white sheets. He had snowflakes in his hair.
“Hey,” he said, as he stepped inside.
“Hey.” I searched his face, wondering what he was thinking.
He reached out and brushed my hair away from my face. “How are you doing?”
“How do you think she’s doing?” Flo called from the parlor. “Her junkie mom busted out of prison and tracked her down and now she’s having to explain to me why she’s lied to me my whole life!”
“Flo,” I hissed, “people are trying to sleep upstairs.”
“Oh, sorry,” she hissed back.
I met Jake’s gaze and had an urge to giggle. He pressed his lips together, trying not to smile.
“I mean, she’s not wrong,” I whispered. “Except for the busting out of prison bit. She only busted out of her parole.”
He snorted.
“So,” I said helplessly, “you’ve got your sad mess. This is my sad mess.”
“ ‘Mess’ seems too low-key for this situation,” Flo stage-whispered from the parlor.
“What do you want to do?” he whispered.
I bit my lip. “I don’t know.” My stomach was all knotted up.
He stroked my face and leaned down and kissed me.
“Is this really the time for that?” Flo sighed.
“Time for bed,” I told her. “We can talk about my history of lying to you tomorrow.”
Jake and I went into the parlor. Hazel saw Jake and went into paroxysms of joy, wriggling and lurching on her leash. Jake went and collected her. She exploded with happiness, licking his neck madly.
“Do all adults have this many secrets?” Flo asked as she headed up the stairs to bed.
“Not all of them.” I sighed. “Just the ones in this house.”