Chapter 33 #2
Laura fanned her fingers through her short hair, which she did only when she was flustered.
‘Yes. He was going to sign a whole heap of copies and then he’s having dinner with Amy and some old friends above the shop, I heard him say he’s staying in the city tonight, but hey – Alice!
Come back!’ She turned to Tom, bewildered.
‘What’s wrong with her?’ For Alice had simply run on to the street and turned west, hair streaming out behind her as she went faster and faster.
Tom saw her then turn right, heading north. ‘Dammit, Tom, what did I say?’
‘I’ll find out,’ said Tom. ‘Go on, Laura. We’ll see you there. I won’t be long.’
On the corner of St Mark’s and Third, Tom stood panting, scanning the roads for any sign of her.
MacNair’s was on Broadway and West 77th, and he usually walked all the way there and back, but he thought Alice would probably take the subway.
He leaped down into the Astor Place Station.
A train had just drawn in; he jumped on it and the doors shut behind him with their usual aggressive wobbling thwack .
Tom stood still for a moment getting his breath back, wondering what he should do when he got to the bookstore. When they drew into 23rd Street, the crowds cleared and he spotted Alice at the other end of the carriage, her knees pulled up under her chin. He went towards her.
‘Alice –’
She jumped; she hadn’t seen him. ‘Oh, Jesus, Tom. What are you doing?’
‘I wanted to make sure you were okay. That author … Wilder something. Is he the reason you left? He’s – he’s the one, isn’t he? He’s Teddy’s brother, isn’t he?’
‘I didn’t mean for you to worry.’ Her hands were clenched by her sides. ‘I surprised myself, actually.’
He sat down next to her. ‘Listen, don’t go there and cause a scene, will you?’
Alice’s eyes flashed. ‘ Cause a scene? ’
‘I mean don’t get upset –’
She laughed, a great, huge belly laugh, like she truly found this funny. ‘Wow, that’s good. Tom – I know you’ve had your troubles and all – but, really, man. Get your head outta your ass, as Ginger would say.’
‘What?’
She turned to him, her eyes flashing. ‘You’re a piece of work, you know that? You drift in and demand things –’
‘What things?’
‘Everything! You’ve just taken everything since you’ve got here!’ she said furiously, her face red, as if she were trying not to cry.
‘Listen, if this is about our kissing – I know it was a mistake. I’m sorry –’ he said, and she flinched, as though he’d slapped her.
‘That’s fine.’
‘I just mean it wasn’t the right thing to do –’
‘No, it wasn’t. I’m not a child, Tom, I knew what I was doing. Neither of us should have. But it’s not a big deal. What is a big deal is you – demanding I give you Teddy just because you want to lay some ghost to rest.’
‘It wasn’t like that, Allie,’ he said, cold fury taking him over. ‘I didn’t say that. I just don’t want to go and find Teddy by myself when I don’t know what the situation is. Because we’re supposed to be friends, and you won’t tell me the truth.’
‘We are friends –’ she said, her voice cracking.
‘She’s my mother, Allie. But you keep saying she’s busy, or she’s away, or she’s ill. And I know she’s not. I know you’re lying to me, and I don’t know why. I know you won’t ever take me to her.’
‘You could have gone to see her any time, Tom! Stop bringing me into this! Why are you still here?’
‘I don’t know!’ he shouted. ‘I don’t fucking know!’
Because I’m in love with you , he wanted to say. I am utterly one hundred per cent in love with you, Alice Jansen.
‘It’s a theme park to you, a game. It’s not to me. It’s not to Merlin –’
‘ Merlin –’ Tom said disdainfully. ‘What the hell does that guy know about anything?’ He pointed a finger at her. ‘He’s using you as a maid, for God’s sake.’
‘He’s not using me! He understands, you – you – ah, you bastard!’ She was incoherent with anger. ‘You have no idea!’
Sudden, unexplained fury boiled over inside Tom.
He turned to her, the plastic seat creaking.
‘It’s such hypocrisy, what you’re doing.
You told me about that teacher at your school who got you an interview at Barnard, said you could have a place there.
The time she must have spent on that, the strings she pulled, and you laugh at her like she’s an idiot.
You talk about saving the world, about peace and love and the greater good.
How is it the greater good for you to waste your life serving meals and fetching beers for a load of men sitting around talking about an equal society while a woman waits on them hand and foot?
How about you get a law degree, fight the system like RFK did?
Or open your own shop? Or take an art degree?
How about you actually do something instead of – instead of alienating yourself? ’
The doors opened and yet more passengers got on, surrounding them.
‘Oh, screw you,’ Alice said softly, her voice shaking. She put her hand to her face.
‘What happens when the money runs out, Alice?’ said Tom, and his voice was shaking too, but he was so angry he couldn’t stop himself. ‘Or if you have a kid? Who pays the mortgage and the bills then? He who pays the piper calls the tune –’
Alice slapped him, hard, once, twice, around the cheek.
‘Oh,’ said an older woman opposite with huge round glasses that dug into her large face. She peered at them. ‘Well, now. That’s not very nice.’
‘No,’ said Alice, tears pouring down her face as she stared at Tom, who was rubbing his face where she’d hit him.
‘I know it’s not.’ She nodded to the woman.
‘I’m so sorry.’ She stood up, as the train doors opened again.
‘I had to do it,’ she said. ‘I’m protecting you.
And her. But you most of all. Just go home, okay? ’
And she leaped off the train. Tom managed to follow her before the doors shut. ‘Alice, let me finish,’ he said. ‘I wanted to explain –’
‘Leave me alone,’ she yelled back at him. ‘Leave me the hell alone –’
Tom dropped back into the crowds; saw her turn and look for him; and his heart contracted at how alone she looked, how defenceless.
His cheek stung. He put his hand up, walking out of the station into Grand Central Station.
He stood for a moment in the vast, beautiful aqua-green concourse, jostled by the commuters, looking up at the constellation frescoes on the ceiling, light falling in shifting shafts, the clouds outside causing the sun to flicker.
Now leaving from Gate 16, the 1.02 train to Poughkeepsie, stopping at …
He turned away, not sure what to do next.
Irvington, Orchard, Tarrytown … All aboard!
Orchard. Alice was from Orchard, he remembered.
Teddy was in Orchard. And, just like that, a miracle: the people ebbed and shifted, and a ray of Midsummer sunshine shone right down on her, or at least that’s how he remembered it.
He could see her, at any rate, striding towards the platform entrance.
She wasn’t going to the bookstore – of course she wasn’t, she wasn’t even on the right subway line for the Upper West Side.
She was going back home to Orchard, because Wilder Kynaston wasn’t there.
She knew she’d be safe if she went back.
Tom smacked himself gently on the forehead, and ran to the ticket office.
He’d missed the train he assumed she was on, but he caught the next one twenty minutes later.
He sat watching the scenery flicker out of the window, the shimmering summer heat coming off the buildings, the sun sparkling on the river.
His mouth felt dry. He was scared, but excited.
It was happening. He was going back to where Alice came from, and he was going to find Teddy, his mother. He was going back to the past.