Chapter 9
Landslide
Scarlett
My eyes sting when I open them, a feeling I am used to.
My chest aches with a dull pain from too much emotion coursing through my body with no way out.
My throat burns from the silent sobs I choked on.
Anger crashes through me once again. I was doing nothing wrong.
I wasn't going to sleep with him or kiss him or use his shoulders as leg rests.
I was talking, innocently talking. Shoving my face into my pillow, I hear my doorknob twist and the door unlatch, and I know it's Levi.
Grant would be too loud; he'd want to be seen before he strikes.
He likes to taste your fear before he feeds on it.
“Get out.” I choke on words as my swollen throat releases them.
“I'm sorry.” Levi's voice is tender. “Talk to me. We always talk about everything. Let me have it.” Fury rages, rattling my bones.
I fling my covers off and jump out of my bed.
“You want it. Fine. You and Spencer embarrassed me in front of the entire school.
Because why?! Because I was talking to a boy?
! Because I was making friends?! Because I was having fun without you two?
Not only did you embarrass me, but Spencer beat the shit out of him?
Did that make you guys feel strong? Was it fun to beat him up for simply talking to me?
I obeyed your rules. I took it easy. I didn't get felt up or whatever else you had in your mind that you thought might happen. No. I was having fun!” Levi steps forward as emotions fill his face, and his eyes moisten.
I place my hand up, stopping him. “No. You've made it so no boy will want to talk to me because you scared the shit out of the last one… so you get to sneak off and get laid by Jumping Jessica, Jessica the girl who jumps dick to dick, and I don't even get to talk to a boy. I’m eighteen for fuck sakes, and I’ve never been kissed.
I don't get to know what it's like to be kissed, to be wanted and needed. To have a sliver of what you felt in that room with her. The answer is no, right?” I gasp for more air because I'm not done with him yet.
Tears leak from my swollen, red eyes. “Because I'm weak, I'm fragile, and now everyone knows. So, thank you for turning this fresh start into a landslide of cruel jokes and new bullies. Get the fuck out.” I crawl back into bed as tears stream down my face.
I close my eyes until I hear Levi shut the door.
Lying in bed, scrolling on Instagram. My phone beeps, ten new notifications, five new messages.
Swiping down the notification says I've been tagged in a new post. Clicking on the post, a video pops up.
The caption read, “Wild Night” with seven hundred views and three hundred comments.
Clicking play, I watch Spencer punch Carson twice before the video turns to me, with my hands over my ears and terror drawn on my face.
My chest heaves up and down, making my blanket rise and fall.
My hands sweat profusely, and I throw my phone on the floor.
Getting out of bed, all I want to do is run to the bathroom and drown under the scalding water to feel something other than this pain.
Before I make it, my door flies open, and I'm being ripped off the floor by my hair.
“Stupid little slut. I just got a video of the neighbor boy beating a boy up, and guess who was in the video with her hands on her ears, cowering like a fucking pussy. YOU.” He yanks my hair down hard, throwing me onto the floor.
I know I messed up. I'm sorry. I scream in my head as tears pour from my tired eyes.
Before he takes his shoe and drives it into my side.
“Strike one. Went to a party.” Kick. I’m sorry!
I felt my ribs for the pain to stop. “Strike two. You wore sultry clothes with my last name. Just like your damned mother.” Kick this time, he got my arm that was covering my ribs from the assault.
“Strike three. You are the biggest mistake in my life.” This time, he picks me up and slams me onto the floor before he backhands my wet check and spits directly in my face.
I'M THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN MY LIFE TOO, my brain screams back at him.
“You'd better fix this, kid. I won't be seen as a joke.” I can't. With that, he slams my bedroom door, and I pray that my mother watches that.
I pray to God or the Devil, wherever she landed, that she witnessed that and that she feels this pain, because death was too fucking kind to her.
Levi and I were taught to keep the peace.
His actions had a reason: ‘rough day at work’, or ‘wasn't in his right state of mind’, or this one was my favorite, ‘trying to mold us into good people by punishing our bad behavior.’ So, when a situation arose and I was being pushed away, slapped, and belittled, I would tell myself, 'Father had a reason; I needed it.
' I was the problem, and all I wanted was my father to like me, maybe even love me.
I thought, if I could take the beating, he would think I was strong.
If I said I was sorry enough, he would stop.
After what feels like hours, I know it is only minutes.
I grab my shorts from last night, and I crawl to the bathroom, shutting and locking both doors.
Leaning up against the door frame, broken and beaten, I grab the lighter I stole from Spencer's pack of cigarettes and light the flame.
When my mother died, I needed a release.
I needed to be in control of my pain. I needed to be the one inflicting it. That's the first time I burnt myself.
I pull down my shorts and find a good spot on the inside of my thighs, and I light myself up.
Burning away his words and burning away the pain he caused, and creating a new pain made by me on my terms. Pain I can turn on and off, which I get to harness and control.
Burning away his hate for me. Burning all the hate I have for myself.
Everyone hurts me, and it feels good to hurt me, too.