Chapter 22
Let Down
Scarlett
Riding home with Spencer, I can't take my eyes off him.
His uniform molds to his body perfectly.
His sweaty hair curls more than usual as the salt crimps it tighter.
I can't help but bite my lip while watching him drive with one hand on the wheel and the other on my upper thigh.
He must feel me looking at him because he side-eyes me and smirks.
“What did I say about you biting your lip?” He grabs the steering wheel, and I watch as his eyes grow hungry.
“If you forget, I'll remind you.” He parks his truck and whispers towards me, “makes me wanna show you how good I can do it.” He winks and hops out of the truck, leaving me blushing with a rapid heartbeat in more places than just my chest.
We walk inside, and his mom is already loading the table with snacks and drinks.
Spencer grabs my hands and takes me upstairs.
We are almost to the top of the stairs when Spencer's mom yells, “Spencer, do not impregnate that sweet girl in my house!” Spencer shakes his head, and I choke out a laugh.
We walk down the hallway lined with family pictures and baby pictures of Spencer.
It's so homey here. We make our way to his room when he pulls me through the door, shutting it quietly behind us.
Steepling my face in his hand, he kisses me, pushing me up against the door.
He tastes sweet and salty, and I want more.
He pulls back just as my eagerness reaches its peak.
“I'm going to shower, make yourself at home.” He winks and walks to his bathroom.
Bringing my fingers to my lips, I touch them, as they tingle with want.
Walking around his room, I trace my hand along his desk and walk over to his bed. His queen bed sits against the two walls, unmade and messy. I slide onto his bed, thinking about what he's done with all the other girls he's been with.
I know he's a player; everyone knows. I watched him kiss three different girls in one week.
But lunch is our time. Levi has followed in Spencer's footsteps and is going through girls like underwear, except for Jessica, who's like his go-to underwear, comfy and full of holes.
My mind spirals. What if I'm Spencer's Jessica?
I'm easy because I'm the girl next door, but I don't meet his expectations.
I try to stop the negative thoughts, but all I think about is being another girl on his long list of flings.
The door opens, and Spencer walks out wearing gray sweatpants and no shirt.
My eyes linger on his stomach, abs tense, and his pecs are defined, followed by his muscular arms. My eyes follow his happy trail down to his low-riding sweatpants.
I bite my bottom lip thinking about what he looks like under the cotton, how he feels.
I drag my eyes back up from my fantasy, finding his eyes beaming into mine.
Shit. He is hot, and I've been caught staring at him. He winks, and lets out a breath.
“You look good in my bed, Scar.” He stands in the middle of his room, staring me down, eyes darkening, and he runs his hand through his wet hair. “I've got to get you out of my room.” He shakes his head.
“Oh, alright.” I stood up quickly, feeling like an idiot for sitting on his bed.
Maybe I misjudged being in his room; he is just ‘keeping an eye on me’ while Levi's gone.
I wonder if he suspects it yet. When does an almost nineteen-year-old need to be kept an eye on?
It's embarrassing, really; if that doesn't say weak, I don't know what does.
He walks over to me, pulling me into him. I wrap my arms around his bare back, and his skin feels soft and warm to my touch. I trace his abs and his pecs before my finger traces down the happy trail that caught my eye moments before. He sucks in a breath and takes my roaming hand in his.
“I'm trying my damnedest not to rip your clothes off. I am trying to be good.” He kisses me hard, and it frustrates me.
I want him to want me, like he wants the other girls, don't I?
I don't want to be just another girl, but I want him, nonetheless.
I kiss him eagerly, lift my hands, running them across the tops of his pants.
I know he gets blow jobs from girls at school, I know he sleeps around, I know he is experienced, and I've only ever been kissed, and only by him.
I slip my finger between his skin and his boxers, moving it further down until he stops me again.
“We can't.” I drop my head in defeat, placing my hands to my sides.
Grant was right, Spencer has every opportunity to be with me, and he won't. Even in secret, he still won't.
“Right. I should get home anyway.” He shakes his head.
“I didn't bring you here to tease you. Let's go downstairs and see what my parents are doing.” He grabs a t-shirt and throws it on before walking out of his room.
I follow, because what else am I supposed to do, beg him to want me?
I'm turning over a new leaf of strength.
I don't need anyone. Yet, I still feel let down.
I hold my head high and follow him downstairs.
His mom and dad are snuggling together on the couch, watching a movie.
Anna sits up. “Hello, kids, I'm happy to see Spencer is cleaned up, and happy to see you still remain dry.” She looks between us.
How many times has Anna watched a girl do the walk of shame?
I'm not his usual type. I'm popular because I'm friends with him; otherwise, I'd be nothing, and he knows it.
I'm not athletic, I'm not a cheerleader, and I don't have a fancy car.
I'm nothing like the usual. “There are snacks on the table, help yourself.” Anna smiles and lays her head back down on David's shoulder.
He takes the blanket and covers her back up. To be loved like that, I'll never know.
Spencer and I sit at the table. He devours snacks and water, but I'm not in the mood for food. I stand from my seat, and Spencer looks up, concerned. “I’m going to head home. Great game tonight. Thank you for the snacks, Anna. Have a good night, David.” His eyes turn curious.
“I'm just ready for bed; it's been a long day.” He shakes his head, and I walk to my house alone.
I walk in, and Grant looks up from his chair. Making me jump, don’t ignore his percents, make small talk. “Hi. They won the game tonight by a lot. Levi will be home later; he's cleaning up the field.” Grant's eyes trace over my face. He is holding a tumbler of what I can only assume is whiskey.
“Well, good, people will think my son is worth a shit. As for you, what are you doing to contribute to my name? Being a slut doesn't make it look better. So, let's find something else to be good at.”
I listen to the words and let them roll out of the other ear. Let it go. Let his words fall and burn. “Nothing. I'm doing nothing.” I know I should have given him something, but I'm exhausted.
He looks back at the TV, “No, shit. That's the only thing you're good at. Breathing my good air, get up to your room. Looking at you is like looking at her, and it makes me sick.” My fucking pleasure, dick. I head upstairs, and lights shine into Levi's room.
I look out the window, and I see Spencer backing out of his driveway.
It's a Friday night; I'm sure he's going to get laid, because I wasn't good enough, so I'll never be his first choice.
Stepping into the shower, I let the scalding water fall onto my skin.
I'm not going to burn. I'm keeping my word.
I lean against the shower, knowing this hot water will have to do the trick.
I get into bed, and loneliness crashes over me. I'm so proud of Levi for living his life; he is happy. He's even started wearing more than dirty T-shirts and laughing about more than dark humor. I miss him, but I won't tell him that.
I'd rather suffer alone than bring my brother with me. After all, I'm the reason he has been miserable for the past year and a half. It's time I freed him. I need to start getting out and doing things; maybe Maddie will hang out with me tomorrow.
I grab my phone and text Maddie. Waiting for her response, I think about Spencer.
This may be for the best. I would hold him back just like I have been holding Levi back.
I don’t think I’m meant to be loved by anyone, but I can start loving myself and pulling myself out of my negative thoughts. My phone dings.
Me
Hey, want to go to the beach tomorrow? I have been here for 7 months and still haven't seen the ocean.
Maddie
Hell yes. I'll pick you up. Does 11 work?
Me
Yessss.
Maddie
wear a suit.
Locking my phone, I close my eyes, trying to think about my beach day tomorrow, and not Spencer screwing some random girl who can give him what he needs.