Chapter 25
MARTHA
I stood up, suddenly feeling uncomfortable from all the breakfast I’d eaten. I was also feeling awkward about being in this small space with Harrison. I wanted news about Erin. Time was ticking along and we’d heard nothing.
I watched from the window down to the busy street below.
I wasn’t in the race at the moment and didn’t know how to just be.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’d been on it constantly and now I was at a standstill and could feel my energy draining away.
If Erin were here, we’d be going through options, working out what was next.
Actually, if Erin were here, we’d already be on a bus or train and on our way. We wouldn’t even be in this hotel.
‘It’s going to be tricky getting back into race mode, isn’t it?’ Harrison said from behind me and with that knack he had of knowing what I was thinking. How did he do that? ‘But we will. Once those two catch up, we’ll slip right back into it.’
‘Of course we will,’ I said, not feeling it. I was actually ready to hang up my race shoes and go home.
‘So,’ he said and let the word hang in the air for a moment.
I had no idea what he was going to do or say next, so I kept my vigil at the window, my gaze out onto the street as people came in and out of view, all looking like they knew where they were going, what they were doing.
‘I didn’t mean for you to miss your train,’ he said suddenly.
‘What?’
I turned from the window to see he’d shuffled up the bed a little further and was barely lying down now. He looked serious and perhaps a little sad.
‘My intention wasn’t to seduce you into bed so you would miss your train. That’s what you think, isn’t it?’
It took me a moment to realise he was talking about Madrid back at the start rather than now. Well, we were in his hotel room with him relaxing on his bed, it wasn’t that much of a stretch. When I didn’t say anything, he carried on.
‘What happened between us that night is one of the single most wonderful moments of my life,’ he said wistfully and I rolled my eyes at him because it sounded like a terrible line from a film. ‘Seriously.’
‘What’s done is done,’ I said in a throwaway comment. I really didn’t want to dredge that up again. I was beginning to feel a little hot and probably needed some more of those painkillers.
‘That morning, on our last day in Madrid, I packed up my bags and left my room to come to yours. I hoped we’d be crossing that finish line together.
I wasn’t prepared to let you out of my sight on that last leg to Barcelona and I was fired up for the race.
But I knew you hadn’t wanted us to spend the whole night together.
I remember you insisting I leave as you were paranoid your parents would see footage of us leaving your room in the morning at the same time.
It was sweet really. I waited until you’d fallen asleep and then reluctantly left; went back to my room. ’
I was going to interrupt and give him my version of events but what he was saying was true, I remembered. It was time to go back there and to hear all of what actually happened.
‘When I was ready, I walked past your room and went down to reception alone to keep up appearances. My cameraman was waiting for me. You remember we only had one producer back then and I had no idea where he was but everyone else had left. I wasn’t surprised.
Femi, Bob and Priya had come in before us the previous day and I knew we’d be bringing up the rear.
Then I saw Sergio. You remember the guy who operated the old lift?
The one you never wanted to get in and took the stairs instead? ’
I nodded, keen for him to keep going as I now had the picture of that hotel firmly back in my mind.
‘He told me you’d left. I didn’t believe him and said I was going up to your room to check.
My cameraman – I cannot remember his name – said we had to go.
He didn’t want us to miss the train. Do you remember what a shambles it all was back then.
Camera operators catching what they could, no one really assigned to any single contestant and there was that one who’d gone home, ill.
No one was waiting for you, I realised, and I took that to mean that you might well have gone.
My guy wouldn’t or couldn’t tell me. Still, I took the lift back up to your floor and went to your room and you weren’t there.
I don’t mind telling you I was a bit gutted you hadn’t waited for me but at that point I just assumed I’d catch you up at the station.
And then you weren’t there either. The producer told me you’d probably splashed out on a taxi or got a lift.
No one thought you’d been left behind and they convinced me you’d just taken another route so you could get ahead. ’
‘I didn’t!’ I said.
‘I know that now, but you wouldn’t talk to me after the end of the race. I assumed you’d had a change of heart. Maybe you’d regretted what we’d done. I remember being a bit of a twat about it. I was hurt. In fact, it was the hurt that saw me over the finish line in first place.’
‘It didn’t occur to you I might be lost?’ I said.
‘What, Martha, lost? No, it didn’t occur to me at all.
You were so driven and the best racer of all of us.
I assumed you’d gone for the win and was amazed you weren’t over the finish line when I got there.
I thought you’d be grinning at me and waving your cheque for a thousand pounds in my face and I’d have forgiven you. ’
‘How generous of you,’ I said sardonically.
‘All you said was you missed the train and then refused to talk to me about it. What happened, Martha?’
‘I woke up and forgot about our agreement and was disappointed not to find you next to me,’ I said, all pretence of pride or modesty gone.
It was time to lay it all out, even how I felt about it.
‘I got my stuff together and took the stairs up to your room but you weren’t there.
I was about to go down to reception and I saw Sergio.
He told me that you were waiting for me at the bus station, that there had been a change of plan in the train times or something and you’d gone ahead to buy tickets so we wouldn’t miss the opportunity for seats. ’
‘Sergio, again,’ Harrison said. ‘The little shit.’
‘Yes, but why? When I realised you weren’t at the bus station and that I’d missed the train you were all on, I went back to the hotel and do you know what he told me when I confronted him?’
‘Enlighten me,’ he said without a hint of humour.
‘He told me you’d paid him to give me misinformation.’
‘What!’ Harrison got off his bed in an agitated hurry and then didn’t seem to know what to do with himself. He stood stock-still in the middle of the room. ‘I can tell you I didn’t.’
‘I believe you,’ I said and it was true, I did believe him.
‘But it doesn’t explain why he would do that,’ said Harrison.
‘Do you think the producer would have got him to say it, to liven things up a bit?’
‘No,’ Harrison said. ‘I don’t think he was smart enough to have pulled off something like that. Maybe Sergio was just having a bit of fun himself. It was a long time ago; we were so young.’
He looked wistful then and I thought it was time to let it all go. It was done, what did it matter now we had the truth back between us?
‘We had such a lot of fun,’ he said and then he moved and made his way towards me.
This was absolutely not happening, I thought, and took a step closer to the window but he actually went to the table and poured himself some more juice.
‘Do you want some?’ he asked me and I nodded.
‘Yes, please.’
He handed me a glass and then sat back down at the table to begin picking over the breakfast again.
‘So, can we agree it was all Sergio’s fault and forget all about it?’ he said between mouthfuls of croissant.
‘I thought you said it was the single most wonderful moment of your life,’ I said with a smile. ‘I doubt you’ll ever be able to forget all about it.’
He laughed and then shook his head at me, gulped down his juice and went to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand until he thought better of it and used a napkin.
‘I think about it all the time,’ he said, his expression suddenly serious.
‘You’re a man. You think about sex all the time, I expect, even at your age. What is it? Every twenty seconds on average.’
‘It’s about every eight seconds, I think. But that’s not the point. It’s you I think about, Martha,’ he said. ‘The what if. You weren’t the only one left broken-hearted, you know.’
‘I never said I was br—’
‘The look you gave me across the room in the hotel that first night in Vancouver was venomous. No one could hold onto a fifty-year-old resentment without first having had their heart broken.’
‘I’ve had my heart broken over things far more important than one night of passion with you and being left feeling like a fool,’ I told him and watched his expression change.
‘Your daughter,’ he said quietly. ‘I understand. There is nothing more important than that.’
I leaned heavily against the window frame and tried to quieten my emotions.
I didn’t like to talk about Clare when I was angry or agitated because it just made me so much more emotional about it.
I liked to talk about her on my terms and only when I could control myself.
Harrison was up out of his chair and before I knew it, he’d taken my hand and led me to sit on the sofa.
He perched on the arm but didn’t let go of me.
‘Don’t say anything you don’t want to,’ he said. ‘I’m not fishing for information. I only know you lost her because Sam overheard Erin talking about her mum.’
‘Did she? That’s great. She doesn’t talk about her much.
Really it’s hardly at all. I honestly don’t think she even acknowledges that her mother died, not really.
She says the words but does she know they’re true?
It will hit her one day and I’m so afraid the fallout will be huge.
I just want to protect her. And I think she gets fed up with me and my upbeat, Clare-fuelled chat sometimes.
I get fed up with me sometimes too. It’s exhausting, Harrison.
But how can I complain about being tired when Clare is gone? ’
He slid onto the sofa next to me and put his arm around my shoulders.
‘I can’t even imagine,’ he said softly.
With a long breath out, I allowed my head to rest on his shoulder, nestled into the warmth of him, the side of his face resting gently on my head.
We stayed like that for a while. It wasn’t awkward or suggestive; it was pure comfort. He still had hold of my hand and he stroked his thumb across my skin as if he were rediscovering something and just as he had that first night all those years ago.
It was the beeping of our trackers that brought us out of the little world we’d cocooned ourselves in. We both jumped and then got up to read the message.
Erin and Sam have made contact. They are together, safe, well and a couple of hours from arriving in Winnipeg. You can relax! Cally.
‘Thank God!’ I said and Harrison pulled me to him in a joint hug of relief.
‘I don’t think I realised how worried I was until I read that they were safe,’ he said.
I pulled back to look at him and he was grinning.
‘So, this race is back on then,’ I said. ‘We can get into competition mode once again.’
‘Is it now that you think you’re going to beat me?’ he said and his look was suddenly intense.
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘That was always the intention from the start.’
‘In that case, will you allow me one moment before things change between us again?’
I didn’t see how they could change now. I’d made my peace with what had happened back then. I saw Harrison differently. And I knew what he was going to do but only a second before he did it.
His mouth was on mine and I didn’t pull back. I leaned into him and a fire lit up inside me as I moved my hand to the back of his head and into his hair. And then almost as soon as it started it ended as we both pulled away.
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘I wasn’t going to do that.’
‘Yeah, I wasn’t going to let you.’
We both stared at each other for a moment and then began to laugh.
‘There’s no fool like an old fool,’ I said.
‘Don’t do that,’ he said gently. ‘Don’t label yourself with old clichés.’
‘I was talking about you,’ I said with mock sternness, and more laughter erupted between us.
This is how it had been, I suddenly remembered.
When Harrison had said it had been a lot of fun, he hadn’t just been talking about the night we spent together, it was all the time we spent together.
I felt a sudden pang of sadness for what had been lost between us at the end of that race, seemingly on a misunderstanding.
How differently it all could have been. Don’t look back, I told myself. No good can ever come from what ifs.
‘What now?’ he asked, and it could have a been a question loaded with suggestion. We had the room to ourselves and two hours ahead of us. A million thoughts went through my mind in a flash. I wasn’t a reckless person, usually…
‘I’m going back to my room to wait for Erin,’ I said.
Then without any more thought about it, I left Harrison’s room and walked down the corridor to my own, cursing myself all the way for my cowardice.
I sat on my bed and contemplated that kiss. I was still in contemplation mode when there was a knock at the door. Could Erin have got here so quickly?
Harrison stood in the doorway, looking a little worried.
‘Did I miss something back there?’ he said. ‘Have I offended you or upset you? I’m so sorry if I have.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘You didn’t upset me at all.’
‘Then why…’
‘Because I’m an idiot,’ I said, grabbing hold of his hand and pulling him into the room. I let the door swing shut behind me and without looking back, I led him to the bed.