43. Elias
As Elias stared up at the sculpture of Kate—it may be called Florence, but Elias knew it was Kate—he reviewed all the mistakes he’d made in the last few months. It probably wasn’t healthy or helpful to ruminate on all the negative points, but maybe if he understood where he went wrong, he could fix it.
Could he fix it?
Should he fix it?
Would Kate and the baby be better off without him?
Was it his choice to make?
‘Elias.’
He knew that voice. Was he hearing things? Slowly—partly because he was still getting used to the wheelchair, and secondly because if it was a hallucination, he didn’t want to break it—he turned.
Kate stood there.
In the flesh.
‘Is this a dream?’
She looked at him, her eyes roaming over him and cataloguing his injuries. Apart from his busted leg, he was pretty scraped up. When he’d gotten on his bike, he’d worn his helmet, but he hadn’t put on any other protective gear.
‘You told me you were going to sell the bike,’ she said.
‘Yeah.’ He had said that. Yet another way he had failed her.
‘So…’ Kate started and then stopped.
‘So,’ he echoed.
‘I guess we should talk.’
Elias rolled his lips together and nodded.
‘Maybe back in your room?’
‘Yeah. Probably for the best.’ If she was going to end things with him, he definitely didn’t want to have an audience.
Kate walked up to take the handles of the wheelchair.
‘I can do it,’ he protested.
‘I don’t care. I’m doing it.’
He let her push him to the elevators, and they travelled in silence until the doors opened.
‘Which room?’
Elias directed her to the room, and when they got there, they stared at the bed. He’d needed an orderly to help him out of bed, but he didn’t want Kate to see how helpless he was.
‘I’ll stay in the chair. I’m a bit sick of the bed.’
‘Then you shouldn’t have hurt yourself,’ she snapped.
‘I didn’t do it on purpose,’ he replied.
Kate crossed her arms, her face tight. ‘What happened, Elias? You are going to need to explain it to me because… I thought things were good between us. I thought we were… working. And then you just disappeared. I need to know why. And I need to know if this is going to become a habit.’
Elias took a deep breath and wheeled his chair over to look out the window. He couldn’t look at her when he admitted his failings. He didn’t want to see her pity.
‘When Catherine turned up at the baby shower I… froze. The psychologist said it was a panic attack. All I knew was I should have defended you. I should have stood up to my mother and gotten rid of her. I should have stood up to your mother too, but… I just shut down. Everything felt like it was crumbling down around me, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I was in quicksand, and I was sinking fast.’
Kate walked over to stand beside him. ‘I didn’t know. I mean, I knew you didn’t have a great relationship with your parents but… I didn’t know it was that bad.’
‘I’ve done a great job hiding it. I’ve spent my life distancing myself from them. The thought of my mother anywhere near our baby… I just… it triggered something inside me.’
‘And the bike?’
‘I needed to get away, get some air. I couldn’t breathe. I thought I would get in my truck and just drive around for a bit but… it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t until I was on the bike that I could actually breathe again. I needed to clear my head. The accident happened because I was careless, not because I was trying to hurt myself.’ He turned to look up at her. ‘You know that, right?’
She searched his eyes and then nodded.
‘The thought of losing you and the baby… I just couldn’t deal with it. I could see it happening. You and Hugo?—’
‘Don’t mention that arsehole’s name,’ she growled.
Elias raised his eyebrows. ‘What happened?’
‘We’ll talk about him later, but right now I want you to finish what you were saying.’
‘Um okay, so you and… him, I could see how much better he would be for you. If I stayed in the picture, I would cause a rift in your family. Plus, there’s the complication of Catherine and all her mess. That could affect you, and I didn’t want that. I thought…’ he exhaled roughly, ‘I thought you would be better off without me. I thought the baby would be better off without me.’
‘And what about what I think?’ Kate paced away and then stomped back. ‘I am so damned mad at you right now. I’m mad at you for not trusting me enough to share your fears with me, and I’m mad about you being hurt, and I’m mad because… because… because you don’t know how much I love you.’
Elias blinked at her. ‘What?’
‘That’s on me,’ she said, pacing again. ‘I know I haven’t told you I love you, and I know I’ve made you prove yourself over and over again. I was afraid too. I was afraid you would leave me for someone else. You’re younger than me, and you weren’t planning on having a baby, and what if one day you woke up and just decided it wasn’t the life you wanted? That I wasn’t the woman you wanted?’
‘Kate,’ he said, reaching out to take her hand so she would stop.
‘When you left… that’s what I thought. I thought you’d changed your mind. I thought that you had realised all the drama wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t worth it.’
‘Kate. No. God no. I left because… because I love you so much, and if I was causing you harm, I wanted to be far enough away so I couldn’t… I don’t even know if that makes sense.’
‘You love me?’
‘Of course I love you. I love you so much that my heart feels like it’s about to burst.’
‘You know that’s medically impossible, right?’
Elias rolled his eyes. ‘You know you sound like Levi when you say stuff like that?’
Kate grimaced and then sighed. ‘So, to summarise, you left not because you didn’t want to be with me, but because you thought I’d be better off without you?’
Elias nodded.
‘You know we’re a bunch of idiots? I mean, if I’d just been brave enough to tell you I loved you, and if you?—’
‘If I had been brave enough to tell you I loved you and that I was a twisted pile of insecurities, then?—’
‘Then… we could have stood as a united front against both our mothers.’
‘And Hugo,’ Elias added.
‘Yeah. About him.’
Kate walked over to sit in the chair by the bed, and Elias turned his wheelchair around to face her.
‘Hugo… lied to me.’
‘That’s not news.’
‘Well, it is to me. I don’t know what else he lied about, but when Levi came to see me?—’
‘Wait. Levi went to see you?’
Kate narrowed her eyes at him. ‘Yeah, we also need to talk about you stopping people from telling me you were hurt.’
Oops. Elias pulled his lips into a thin line and nodded.
‘When Levi came to tell me, Hugo didn’t pass on the message. In fact, he told me it was you who came and that you were breaking up with me.’
‘What?’ Elias wanted to jump out of the wheelchair, hunt Hugo down, and punch him.
‘Don’t worry. Levi already punched him.’
‘If I ever lay my eyes on that bastard I will?—’
‘You won’t do anything, because he is not worth going to prison over. Besides, I don’t think you’d look good in orange.’
‘I don’t think prisoners wear orange in Australia,’ Elias said with a grin.
‘Whatever. You know what I mean.’
They smiled at each other. Did this mean… Elias could hardly allow himself to hope.
‘I’m sorry, Kate. I’m sorry for not being honest with you about my… feelings and fears and the whole Catherine thing. I’m sorry for running away. I want to do better. I promise to do better. I love you, and I love our baby, and I want to be in both your lives… if you will still have me.’
He held his breath, waiting for her answer.
‘I’m sorry too,’ she said, and Elias’ stomach swooped. Did this mean they were really breaking up? Was this his worst nightmare coming true? ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you about my feelings. And I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I love you, and yes, I want you in my life. I want us to raise this baby together. I want us to be a family.’
Elias couldn’t contain the smile that spread across his face. He cursed the damned chair and broken leg that stopped him from sweeping her into his arms so he could kiss her. Instead, he simply reached out to her, and she came to him, leaning over to press her lips to his.
His whole world righted in that moment. Everything had been out of line and messed up, but with Kate by his side, in his arms, in his corner, everything felt back to normal… whatever normal was. He finally felt like all his jagged pieces snapped into place. Just like the moment when one of his sculptures suddenly became something and not just a mess of scrap metal, his entire world became a work of art. All because of Kate. Kate and their baby. Kate, their baby, and the love they shared.
‘I love you, Elias,’ Kate murmured against his lips.
‘I love you too,’ he replied and kissed her again.