Chapter 5
LEE
“What do you mean he doesn’t want to see me?” I ask the exasperated nurse at the front desk.
The nurse keeps her stare blank. “He says he doesn’t know a Lee.”
“He has dementia. Of course he doesn’t know me.”
“We don’t make the patients take visitors,” the nurse says, a little kinder and softer this time. “He’s had a tough few weeks.”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and nod, fleeing the coolness of the facility before I can say something I’ll regret.
I don’t know why I even bothered trying to visit him.
I’ve got his house emptied and up for sale; there’s already been a few interested people touring it.
It’ll be a matter of time before the trailer is sold and that chapter is closed.
At least Grandma left me the farm and house in her will, despite Dad’s constant annoyance over that fact.
I’ll never sell the farm for anything. It was one of the only places I ever felt safe growing up.
Grandma showed me love when so few others did.
I slam the truck door closed behind me with way more anger than it needed.
But sometimes… Sometimes I just want to scream.
At least the workday is over, but I’ve been roped into attending movie night for fun.
Which sounds fun but also like a lot of work.
I like being around people I know, but I struggle in situations where I don’t know people well because I feel like I have to put on a show and perform.
But hopefully it goes well. At least I have the rabbit hutch all built for the future rabbit we’ll find for Savannah.
She’ll be so happy with the rabbit. Aragorn and Falcor are big now; they can be a little too rough and tumble for Savannah, despite her being more at home in the dirt than in the house.
I return home, take a quick shower, and change into non-work blue jeans and a button-down plaid shirt.
My light brown hair doesn’t want to be tamed, so I throw on the baseball cap that’s seen much better days.
I’m a little sad Savannah won’t be there, but at least I’ll get to see Joey, if only for a few moments.
Everything with him is better from a distance these days.
The family dinners, the too-familiar touches—every touch is too much and not enough at the same time.
Last weekend Joey had gently cupped my neck, and I’d all but kissed his wrist in a blatant show of want.
I need to put distance between us before this terrible love for him kills me.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do with all the love for him I hold inside.
Loving someone shouldn’t hurt this much.
But it’s all I’ve ever known, so I don’t know what to do to stop loving him.
I think loving Joey Rossi was my destiny, but I’ve also got to let it go before watching him have his happily ever after kills me. Last time it almost did me in.
The truck rumbles down the county road toward Clay Road Farms.
I pull into the employee entrance and park, tightening my hands on the steering wheel for a long moment to steady my nerves.
Of course, that’s when Beau pops out of the back office and his eyes zero in on me like he’s got a tracker on me.
He frowns deeply, swipes off his baseball cap, then meanders toward me with clear intent. Fuck. I’m not in the mood for a talk.
He taps on the window of the truck until I put it down.
“Yellow,” I say with forced chipper.
“So.”
“Nope.”
“You can talk to me about anything,” Beau says, carefully stressing the anything portion of his sentence. But I decided a long time ago I wasn’t going to put him between Joey and me. I never want him to feel like he has to choose. I’d rather die. “Lee, you know we love you.”
“I know that.”
“Joey loves you.”
I swallow hard, feeling sick to my stomach suddenly. “Not the way I want.”
“He might,” Beau argues, with just a little hint of skepticism. “He might.”
“He can’t. He knows everything about me.”
Now Beau looks at me like I’m stupid, which makes my neck feel hot. “What’s that mean?”
“That means he can’t love me… Because… Because.”
Now he looks pissed. “Because what, Andrew?”
“Ain’t nobody ever loved me, Beau. Joey won’t love me.”
“Nobody has ever loved you, huh?”
Beau backs away as I hastily climb out of the truck. I feel like this conversation is getting away from me, and I don’t want to ruin the evening. I ruin everything, always have. I ruined my parents’ lives just by being born. It all started at birth.
“You know what I mean. Yeah, you and Cindy and Joey love me… your dad loved me. But no one is gonna be in love with me. I’m too much.”
Beau snorts, running his hands over his wiry beard. “You’re stupid as hell.”
Then he just… marches away. What? I run after Beau, suddenly needing closure for an argument I didn’t even want. I grab his arm to make him stop his warpath toward the hill where we host the movies.
“No, Beau, you tell me what you mean.”
“I’m telling you that you’re both a pair of idiots and I’m really tired of watching this train go past the station. You’re gonna be eighty, realizing you’ve been in love with each other your entire goddamn lives.”
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.
“You take that back!”
“Andrew, I love you, but someone has to tell you like it is and stop handling you with kid gloves. Now, you tell Joey what’s going on with your dad and see what he does to make you feel better.”
That hurts more than anything else. Because I know what Joey will do.
He’ll swoop in, care for me, make me dinner and breakfast, do my laundry, go with me to see my father, and sit there as he yells shitty things to me.
Joey will just grit his perfect jaw, hold my hand through it, all while withstanding my father’s homophobic tirades.
“All right.”
Beau’s eyebrows disappear into his hairline. “Huh?”
“I’ll tell him about Dad… I’ll tell him.”
Beau whistles, then gives me a winning smile. “That didn’t take as long as I thought. Come on, we’re showing My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”
“Oh, that’s one of my favorites.”
“I know,” Beau says with a pleased chuckle. He slings his arm over my shoulders and guides me along. “I love you. Sorry if I was tough.”
“It’s okay. You do it once a decade, so I forgive you.”
We exchange conciliatory smiles just as we reach the hill that’s already sprinkled with excited moviegoers.
The smell of lemonade and popcorn wafts through the air, making my perpetually hungry stomach grumble.
The food truck is lit up, Joey and Benji working inside, a small line forming at the window.
My stomach twists at the sight of Marie leaning against the side of the truck, smiling and laughing with Joey.
They’re cute together. Her dark waves, his dark curls, and laughs that light up a room.
Marie is the sort of girl I always imagined for Joey because I don’t think she’d hate me as much as Danica always did.
I’m an expert in watching Joey flirt after all these years.
He doesn’t look like he’s flirting with Marie, now that I pay closer attention.
He looks… friendly. Maybe I should push him toward her so that he gets the hint.
Sometimes he can be pretty oblivious and stupid when it comes to women having the hots for him.
Men too, obviously, not that it matters much whether I like him or not. Not really.
Beau leads me toward his new group of friends and Trevor, who are all sitting on a large picnic blanket.
I can’t help but smile at the sight of Harper tucked against the side of Jackson.
Harper used to follow us around like he was attached to us when he was a kid.
He’d always idolized his cousin Beau and seeing him so blissfully loved by the gentle giant, Jackson, makes me feel the same way I do when I see Beau and Trevor together.
Happy for them but also a little morose because I’m so very lonely.
I’m still a little starstruck when I see Nolan Hastings around town though.
Trevor waves from the blanket, and Beau joins him in a graceful collapse. I sit down a little more carefully because I have more weight to distribute. Harper sends me a calculating sort of look that I know means he knows about my dad and wants to bring it up, so I beat him to the punch.
“Hi, Harp.”
“Lee,” Harper says with his nose in the air. “You look nice today.”
Oh, wait. What? “Huh?”
“We’re working on giving compliments before sarcasm,” Jackson says with a grin that’s a little far too pleased.
“Not me,” Nolan announces with a grin like a shark smelling blood. “You’re looking very farmer-ish today.”
“I am a farmer?” I ask because suddenly I am not so sure. I look toward Trevor with a plea for help.
Trevor just snorts. “It’s the plaid-short-sleeve-button-down-and-baseball-cap combo. It’s giving farmer chic.”
“Okay,” I say, suddenly at a loss for words.
Harper leans forward, close enough that no one else can hear him when he whispers, “Andy told me.”
“I figured,” I mumble as I hunch my shoulders to make myself as small as possible. “How long until Joey knows?”
“I’d tell him before he has a chance to find out from someone else,” Harper says diplomatically, just before leaning back to cuddle into Jackson’s broad chest. “I love this movie, it’s so good. The Windex part always gets me.”
“Such a simple creature,” Nolan teases. He leans back on his hands, showing off his tattooed arms. His hair is a little more styled than the last time I saw him in March, and his nails are painted a vivid bright pink.
Nolan catches me staring, winks, then falls all the way to the blanket to lie on his back. “I could take a nap.”
Harper reaches over to run his fingers through Nolan’s hair. “Take a nap, then.”