47. Deacon
Chapter forty-seven
Deacon
When Cassie asked if I wanted to go to lunch when we returned for the spring semester, I didn’t think she meant the first day back on campus. My last class ended at two, so I told Cassie we could meet for a quick lunch somewhere on campus. I wanted to be at Lyla’s by four so I could have some time alone with her before we started a game of Monopoly with her roommates. I hadn’t seen Lyla since Christmas, and it was pathetic how much I missed her.
I took a deep breath as I entered Mr. Spots, once again making shit complicated when it didn’t need to be. So what if I missed Lyla? In technical terms, Lyla was my girlfriend, and sleeping with your girlfriend didn’t warrant itself as a red flag. The only red flag in my current line of vision was that I was having lunch with my ex -girlfriend while missing my fake girlfriend—who I promised not to fall in love with.
“Don’t say that,” I groaned.
Who the fuck are you talking to, Deacon?
I liked to think Dominic was weighing in with his opinions when I thought out loud. He would tell me to stop overthinking and do something more exciting with my time. I imagined it had to be painful, watching the people you loved act like idiotic characters from The Sims that you had no control over .
I knew that analogy would’ve made Dominic laugh. “See, now that’s a good one.”
“Did you say something?”
I felt a hand on my elbow and saw Cassie standing beside me. Her blonde hair was down around her shoulders, and a green fluffy beanie sat on her head.
She smiled. “Hi, there.”
“Hey, Cass,” I said, gesturing for her to walk in front of me.
She led us to a table in the back and took the seat against the wall. I sat across from her and removed my hat.
“Haircut?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said with a chuckle, running my hand over my head. “I had to get it cut by Barry one more time before I came back.”
Cassie’s eyes lingered on my mouth, and I pretended not to notice. “I always loved your hair short. Especially when you trimmed your facial hair to match it.”
I leaned forward on my elbows. “Are you saying I had a scraggly beard at one point?”
“No!” she exclaimed with a giggle, and the sound of it made me smile. I was always a sucker for Cassie’s laugh. “I always thought you looked good.”
“Well, your hair is long . It was never this long when we were together.”
Cassie shrugged. “You always liked it shorter, so I tried to get it cut every now and then.”
“You got it cut back in April. So, what, it’s been—”
“Nine months,” she answered quickly. “Nine because May was eight.”
I knew time had gone by, but eight months? I attempted to change the subject. “Do you wanna order some food? ”
“I’m sorry, Deacon,” Cassie whispered. Her voice was so low I almost had to ask her to repeat herself, but the look on her face told me that I had heard her correctly. “I’m sorry about the way it happened. You deserved better than that, and I’m—” Her lip began to tremble, and I instinctively reached across the table for her hand.
“Hey.” I prompted her to look at me, offering her a sympathetic grin. “It’s okay.”
“I was s-so afraid that you hated me,” she stammered through a nervous breath. She wiped a tear from her cheek and shrugged. “And then I saw you with Lyla, and I wasn’t sure if you were dating her just to make me mad or—”
“Why would I date Lyla to make you mad?”
Cassie rolled her eyes. “Come on, Deacon. When we were together, you never wanted to go out. You never wanted to do anything outside our usual routine, and I always felt like the bad guy for asking you to. Then you go and date the girl I saw riding up and down on a stripper pole in some video?”
I covered my mouth so she couldn’t see my smile. It was my first memory of Lyla; the morning I called her Stripper Pole Girl and the moment she found out she was on the internet. I wondered if she still had that yellow dress—
“It’s not funny!” Cassie exclaimed.
“It kind of is funny, Cass. First, let me say that I don’t hate you. If I hated you, I wouldn’t be sitting across from you right now. But Cassie— you broke up with me . What was I supposed to do? Wait around for you to decide if there was someone else who was better than me?”
Cassie closed her eyes, and I recognized the tired look on her face. “After Dominic passed, Deacon—”
“Please stop.” I pushed my chair back and stood up.
“Deacon, hold on— ”
“I don’t want to hold on, Cassie,” I said, trying to stay calm. “I don’t want to hear about how I wasn’t the same person I was when you met me. You met me when I was a freshman. Of course, I wanted to party and have fun and study when it was convenient instead of making it a priority. I wanted to go out and close down the bars with you and wake up the next morning just to do it all over again.”
When I returned to my seat, Cassie’s blue eyes were glossy. I wasn’t prepared to have the conversation we should’ve had back in May. I showed up for that conversation, and instead, she picked up the phone.
“My entire world fell apart,” I whispered angrily, my voice growing louder. “It fucking fell apart, and when I came back to school, yeah, I was different. I didn’t want to party, and I didn’t want to be around people. I focused on school and on making you happy. I did everything I could in the only ways I knew how. That might not have included parties and late nights, but I tried Cassie.”
She shook her head and wiped more tears from her cheeks. “I never knew how to help you.”
My shoulders relaxed, and I felt the heat simmering in my chest. I focused on my breathing, ensuring I was calm before speaking again. “You never asked. I felt like you kept waiting for me to snap out of it. Like it was a phase I’d eventually grow out of, and I’d suddenly just get back to normal.”
Cassie stared at the table, and I knew this conversation was over. I didn’t feel like staying for food, and I didn’t mean to snap at her. It wasn’t my intention to make her upset.
“What was the point of this today, Cass?” I prompted gently. “Is this what you wanted to talk about?”
She shook her head. “I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see if you were still happy.” She tucked her hair behind her ears, hesitating to say what else was on her mind. “And I wanted to see if you were still with Lyla. I was surprised to see she went home with you for Christmas.”
Still with Lyla.
“I am happy, Cassie, and I am still with Lyla.”
Her blank stare made it obvious she didn’t want to hear that. I couldn’t sort through my thoughts with Cassie in front of me. I needed time to clear my head and figure out how to move forward. I still had a few months left with Lyla, and I wouldn’t lead Cassie on if I no longer had plans to get back together with her.
“Can we do this some other time?” I suggested.
She didn’t look upset when I proposed a raincheck. We needed a clean slate, and too many items from our past marked up the conversation.
When we left Mr. Spots, we went in separate directions. I had no idea where she was going, but I knew exactly where I wanted to be.