61. Deacon
Chapter sixty-one
Deacon
The next morning, I let my arm slowly lose blood flow as Lyla’s head dug into the inside of my elbow. I was happy I woke up before her. I needed her to hear the words I was working on in my head and needed more time to finalize them.
I wasn’t going to lose Lyla over a miscommunication. Yesterday, I had every intention of telling her how I felt, and in strategic Lyla fashion, she cut me off before I could say it. I knew what I wanted, and I understood that Lyla might not. It didn’t matter to me that she might need some time to figure it out. She was worth it.
The sun caught my eyes through the curtains, and I peeked up at the sky. A feeling of relaxation washed over me as the warmth hit my face. I didn’t need to overthink what I wanted to say. We didn’t lie.
Lyla’s desk clock read nine-thirty, and I knew her headache from the lack of caffeine would kick in soon. As if her internal wake-up call read my mind, she stirred against my arm and peered up at me through thick lashes. She still had some makeup on from yesterday, and tiny black specks rested under her eyes. It didn’t matter if she woke up looking like Pennywise—I’d still find her beautiful .
“Good morning.” I kissed her forehead, running my fingers along the sensitive spot on her shoulder blade. She laughed into my chest and tried to move away from me.
“Hold on.” I sat up and pulled her into my lap. “I’m going to say something to you, and I don’t want you to run from me.” If I let the L-word slip into the open, Lyla would leave for Chicago tonight. “Do this with me.”
She traced a lazy finger down my chest as her teeth grazed her bottom lip. I focused on the different tones of green in her eyes to ignore the erection that was resting against my leg.
“No,” I said, laughing. “No more pretending like this is fake. Be with me. I want to be with you.”
She wrapped her legs around my waist and kissed me. I moved my hands under her shirt and up her back. Eventually, this girl would have to get out of answering me with her mouth instead of words.
“Lyla,” I pleaded against her lips. “Baby, I need you to say something.”
She stared at me and bit the inside of her bottom lip. The corners of her mouth pinched together in an adorable grin. “I want to be with you, too.”
I moved to kiss her again, and she pushed down on my chest.
“Maybe just, like, a little bit,” she teased. “Boyfriend-girlfriend shi—”
I tightened my grip on her waist and flipped us so I was on top of her. My tongue slid past her lips, and her legs opened wider for me. I pulled my shirt over her head and kissed down her neck, nipping lightly at her skin. Her hand slipped under the waistband of my boxers, wrapping around my cock, prompting a low groan from the back of my throat as I rocked into her grip.
Her lips brushed my jawline. “I like you a lot, Deacon Scott.”
“Mhm,” I murmured, pulling her panties to the side. I could settle on the third base L-word for now. “I like you a lot, too.”
I sank into her in one smooth motion, and she sighed into my collarbone. Her breaths came warm and quick against my skin, igniting a fire inside my chest. All the soft touches from last night were replaced with a hunger I didn't think was possible. The way her hips fit into my hands and how her fingers dragged down my back. Sweat began to slick between us, and I steadied my hand on the wall behind her.
She tugged on my wrist, and I let her guide me to the base of her throat.
I stared down at her with a cocky grin and slowed my strokes. “All you have to do is ask, sweetheart. Tell me what you want.”
She dragged her thumb across my lip. “Choke me, and don’t stop until you feel me coming.”
“Atta girl.” I grinned, giving her one more kiss before I slammed into her. “I know you’re close. Breathe, baby.”
Lyla nodded as she bit her bottom lip to keep from crying out. I admired the sight of her underneath me, staring down at a pair of green eyes that made my heart feel like it was going to burst.
“I love how beautiful you look when I’m fucking you,” I murmured against her lips. “And I love that you’re mine.”
Her sighs turned to whimpers as she placed her hands on my shoulders, remembering what I told her the last time I pressed against her throat. Her breaths grew sharper as she arched her back, my hips meeting hers in a rhythm that almost pushed me over the edge. I knew when her legs shook around my waist, she was almost there.
“Deacon,” she groaned, throwing her head back into the pillow.
I pushed against the base of her throat as her walls pulsed around my cock. I moaned into her neck, keeping my voice down as best as I could since I wasn’t sure who else was in the apartment. Lyla squeezed my shoulder, and I immediately shifted my hand to her ribcage, peppering her jawline with soft kisses. It turned me on even more that she trusted me to take care of her, trusted me to learn her body so I could do things to her to make her feel like she was mine.
Her heart hammered against my hand as I lowered my mouth to graze the soft skin under her belly button. “Can I call you that?” I murmured, kissing slowly up her stomach.
She sighed, flashing me a satisfied grin. “What?”
I rested my weight on my elbows so I could look at her. “Mine.” I couldn’t say it without smiling. “Can I call you mine?”
Her eyes softened, and she pressed her lips into a hard line. “I kind of hoped you would,” she whispered, her voice breaking toward the end.
With six soft words, my entire world shifted. I'd be Lyla’s as long as she wanted me. I’d never belong to anyone else. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. And for the first time since Dominic passed away, I didn’t feel guilty about it.
On the twenty-fourth of every month, I’d find time to sit and talk to Dominic. Drew and I would always check in with each other in the morning, and sometimes, we’d video chat later that afternoon. After a while, we both realized it was harder to try and act like the twenty-fourth wasn’t a reminder. Numbers began to matter when you associated them with people and dates you’d never forget.
I sat outside the library, sipping my iced black coffee with caramel and vanilla, and stared at the green drink across from me. I wasn’t sure why I ordered it since I wasn’t going to drink it, but the choices we made after losing someone didn’t always make sense. Dominic’s iced matcha with blueberry and oat milk created a puddle on the table, but I’d let it sit until I was done with our conversation.
“What day is your thing again?” Drew asked.
“You mean my graduation ?” I snapped. “It’s the first Saturday in May.”
“And it’s just your graduation, right? Like you’re not about to pop out a ring or some shit, are you?”
I rolled my eyes. “No.”
Drew’s annoying cackle vibrated against my ear. “That’s a fair question, man.”
“I told Lyla I wanted to be with her, and she told me she wanted to be with me too.”
“Yes, and it was very seventh-grade of you,” he murmured, and I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing. “So, is your fake relationship real now, or is that tailored for a more eighth-grade conversation?”
“Yes, asshole. Lyla hasn’t had a relationship since high school, and with us both being so close to graduating—”
“Has she mentioned Chicago to you?”
I leaned my elbows on the table. The pit in my stomach opened up even wider, and I felt my anxiety creeping in. “No, she hasn’t. ”
“You’ll figure it out, Deac. Not everyone needs four layers to their plans like you do.”
“I’m hanging up now,” I said through a groan. “I love you, and I’ll talk to you later.”
Drew laughed. “Love you too, man. Later.”
I sat silently for the next few minutes, embracing the first few ribbons of summer air as it weaved through campus. The trees were dressed in leaves, and the grass was turning from brown to green. It was nice to see life bounce back to Bowling Green.
I peered up at the sky and sighed. I always pictured us having these conversations in beach chairs by the lake, the sun shining with drinks in our hands. I’d sit here all day if I didn’t start talking, so I started with the first thing that came to mind.
“I miss you, Dom. I’m sorry I haven’t been around that much, and I don’t have an excuse for it. It’s just been crazy, you know? Well, I guess I don’t know if you know since I have no idea what kind of news you get up there. Anytime you want to give me a hint, please feel free.”
I shifted my focus to the drink in front of me.
“I keep thinking about how I’m turning twenty-four in June. Before I came back to school this year, it really hit me—just another milestone you’re not here to see in person. I keep getting older, and you’ll forever be sixteen. When I see you again, will you look any older? Do you age up there, or do you just get to be the good-looking younger guy while the rest of our family is wrinkled and old?”
I smiled at the thought of Dominic laughing and shaking his head. My throat tightened as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. I took advantage of the cloud coverage and peered up to the sky again .
“This is never going to get easier, is it? I thought I could try and figure it out if I just focused on making it to the next step in my life. I’m stuck between feeling bad when I’m happy because you aren’t here and feeling like I should be doing everything possible because I know you’d want to see me live. It’s just a shitty feeling, to be honest with you—knowing no matter what I do, I can’t bring you back.
“Sometimes I think Mom and Dad try too hard.” A tear escaped down my cheek, and I swiped it away. “Everyone tries too hard to act okay when we aren’t. I feel like, as the oldest, I should know how to fix . . . something , anything to help, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’m supposed to bring you up as much as possible to them so they can talk about you or if I’m just digging a deeper wound because it reminds them you’re gone. It’s like when you first passed. Once I had a moment to just be , I’d get a text or a call from someone just to say they were thinking about me. Everything would come rushing back as if I found out five minutes ago that you were gone.”
My phone vibrated on the table, and I looked at my alarm.
“I purposefully did that,” I explained, chuckling. “I didn’t want to ramble to you about all my issues for an hour. I have class in about ten minutes, and it’s across campus.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, momentarily allowing myself to feel it all before I said goodbye. “Fly high, Dom. And I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon.”