65. Deacon
Chapter sixty-five
Deacon
In my freshman year of college, if I wasn’t in class and I wasn’t sleeping, I was planning the next time I could get drunk. It was due to the sheer realization that a lifestyle outside my parent’s house existed. Even though I grew up in a church-oriented family, my immediate family couldn’t have been further from the religious normal. My parents had me four months after they got married. To this day, my grandfather never said out loud that he was disappointed in my dad, but I imagined being a reverend in a small town made it difficult to process the situation.
I wouldn’t say that my brothers and I had a sheltered childhood. We got into trouble just like any other kids would, but our parents kept a pretty vanilla household. We didn’t openly talk about sex or anything else that was deemed explicit. My parents never really drank in front of us unless it was a glass of wine after dinner or a beer when we went out to eat. I wasn’t one of those college freshmen that had a crazy ass household to blame my bad choices on. It was almost the opposite; like I hadn’t tried enough ridiculous shit in high school and had to get it all out in my early twenties.
Everything changed after Dominic passed. I returned to campus a completely different person. I no longer wanted to spend my time absent in a world that took people too quickly. I didn’t see the point of being numb, feeling dizzy, and floating above the ground while people around the world would do anything to have a person they knew walk beside them again.
When I drank, I made sure it was because I wanted to—not because I was hiding anger, sadness, or shame. Eventually, I didn’t want to deal with the party scene, and it didn’t take long for Cassie to notice.
I put my recap of the past on hold and slowed my jog, recognizing the house that made me think of Cassie back in August. About eight months ago, the front porch was covered in mums and pumpkins. Now, white and light pink flowers littered the stairs.
I couldn't listen to music the morning Cassie broke up with me. I was afraid all the lyrics and melodies would make me think of the girl who left me broken on a sidewalk. The truth was, I was scared that I had nothing else holding me together without Cassie. My relationship with her took over my entire headspace. It allowed me to plan for my future and push away the person I used to be. That person didn’t know how to live a life without Dominic in it, and while I’d never move on from losing my younger brother, I was slowly finding a way to move forward .
I knew in my heart that moving forward was what Dominic would want. He would want me to achieve and be happy, to love and be myself in a world lacking his light. He’d remind me that it still needed mine.
I returned to my running playlist and continued my jog. The first song that came up was “Hey Daddy” by Usher. Not only did the singer remind me of Lyla and her iconic dance moves on the pole at The Attic, but the title brought me back to the night she almost made me spit my drink out .
As I turned down North Enterprise, “Closer” by the Chainsmokers came on next. I pictured Lyla singing in the backseat of my car as we drove to my apartment the morning she helped move my stuff and discovered Dominic’s favorite drink. I remembered her alarm going off in Miami and sleeping together one last time before we hopped on a plane back to Cleveland.
“Closer” by Ne-Yo bumped through my headphones as I reached the stop sign. It was the night I kissed Lyla for the first time. The entire scene was for Cassie, but I remembered everything about that kiss.
More songs continued to play, and more memories around them surfaced. I included Lyla in my day without realizing it because I wanted her there. I wanted the reminders, and I wanted to create more of them.
I slowed my pace and walked across the lawn of the apartment building. I was met with the stale smell of alcohol and bacon grease when I entered the front door.
Nathan scanned the inside of the fridge. “You didn’t happen to grab creamer, did you?”
“I’m afraid not,” I said, letting myself fall onto the couch.
Andre started cracking eggs into a bowl. “Why are you here? Did you skip class?”
“No,” I mumbled. “Professor is sick.”
“Why do you sound miserable about that?” Nathan winced. “Did the flowers not work?”
Andre looked over his shoulder. “You bought your professor flowers?”
“Why would I buy my professor flowers?”
“He bought Lyla flowers,” Nathan explained.
Andre turned to face me. “Charlie told me you guys were on a break. ”
“We are not on a break,” I exclaimed, sitting up on the couch.
Andre scoffed. “Okay, Ross and Rachel.”
“Don’t Friends reference me,” I said, laughing. “Make me some of that, will you? I’m gonna hop in the shower really quick.”
A few hours later, Nathan and Andre were deep into a game of Madden. I was trying to study through the fake cheers of the crowd when my phone buzzed on the coffee table.
Lyla
Can you come over on Thursday after my session?
An exasperated laugh escaped me before I realized I knocked my computer onto the floor.
“You good, man?” Andre said without breaking eye contact with the screen.
Nathan beat me to a response. “He’s good.” He threw a touchdown and looked at me. “Flowers work, I take it?”