67. Deacon
Chapter sixty-seven
Deacon
When I started pacing around the living room, I decided to walk to Falcon’s Pointe. I couldn’t sit still, and every time I tried, I’d check the time on my phone and start over again. I needed something to do with all of my energy, and the anticipation of seeing Lyla again was driving me insane.
I wanted to see her. I wanted to ask how her appointment went. I wanted to order food and suggest we watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia , only to hear her argue that we should watch a movie instead. She’d scroll through a list of movies for ten minutes, and before I could snag another piece of pizza, she’d settle on the next episode of the show. I wanted her to fall asleep in my arms on the couch after she insisted she wasn’t tired for the fifth time. I wanted my best friend every day—from the tiniest moments to the biggest milestones, I wanted Lyla Brooks.
When my phone read six, I knocked on the door of Lyla’s apartment. The door swung open almost immediately, and I smiled.
Lyla’s light brown curls were in a bun on her head, and she wore one of my Champion shirts with a pair of leggings. I was a sucker for the beautiful girl standing in the doorway, but I was a goner when she wore my clothes.
“Hey,” she said shyly, her green eyes peering at me through dark lashes .
I stopped myself from reaching out and touching her. “Hey, Brooks.”
She stepped aside so I could come in, and I was relieved to see we were alone in the living room. Her bedroom didn’t provide much space, and I could tell by the way she kept playing with her hands that she was nervous. I’d let her give me signs that she wanted me close to her.
I placed my book bag on the couch. “How was your first sess—”
“Wait.” Lyla crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I want to tell you something.”
“Okay,” I said softly, lowering myself onto the couch. I studied the lines that ran through her soft features. Her brow crinkled when she was deep in thought, and the corners of her mouth turned into a slight frown when she was uncertain about what she wanted to say.
She drew in a staggered breath and sat next to me. “Did you know everyone has anxiety?”
Her opening sentence threw me off, but I kept my voice as casual as possible. “Uhm, yeah, yeah, I did.”
“It keeps us safe and helps make us scared of things we should be scared of in our everyday lives. Until about an hour ago, I didn’t know that. I knew everyone got nervous, but I didn’t know everyone had anxiety.” She relaxed her shoulders and brought her legs to her chest. “Because of some things I’ve experienced, mine can be harder to manage. But I also learned that it makes me creative and a good problem solver. And sometimes, my mind moves so fast that while I’m actually pretty good with words, it doesn’t always seem that way. I know what I want to say, but because I’m balancing ten open tabs at one time, I either say the wrong thing or nothing at all. ”
I nodded to let her know I was listening.
“My challenge today was to tell you all my fears without a filter. I’m supposed to go with everything I’m thinking and just . . . speak .” She pursed her lips, waiting for my reaction to the look of disgust that covered her face.
I smiled. “Lay it on me, Brooks. It’s been almost five days since I’ve heard your voice, and I wanna know everything.”
“When I asked you for a break—” Her voice trembled, and she looked away. “I don’t think it was you I needed a break from. It was me. You’re the first person I’ve shown everything to . . . I mean, literally, I guess.” She rolled her eyes, and I chuckled softly.
A warm sensation flooded my chest, and I grabbed her hand before I could stop myself. She let me, nervously stroking her thumb over my fingers.
“Meeting you.” She smiled down at our hands. “ Being with you has made me realize that I do need help. I’ve always told you it’s okay to ask for that, but I never took the steps I needed to help myself. Keeping people at a distance was easier. Making sure I was always in control was safer . Whenever those things shift, I don’t know how to handle it. I have a lot of shit to work through,” she said, blinking away a few tears. “No matter what I seem to show you, for whatever reason, you’re still here, and I’m waiting for the time I become too much. I’m afraid you’ll resent me when I don’t meet the expectations you have for your life.”
Squeezing her hand, I reached up to cup her face with my other. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, swiping away tears before they could roll any further. She was crying now, and I wasn’t sure how many more heartstrings I had left for her to pull. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I hugged her, holding her against my chest. I closed my eyes, breathing in her scent and the traces of my cologne that lingered in her shirt.
A year ago, I had a plan—an agenda of events that would inch me closer to what I thought would make me happy. Like the list a child left out for Santa Claus or the wish you made before throwing a quarter in a fountain. They were desires you tossed out into the universe, hoping for whatever magic was left in the world to pick it up. We put the weight of the want on something else so we could go about our lives, not knowing that change and misdirection could disguise as pathways leading us to where we were meant to go.
If the past few years had taught me anything, it was that we didn’t control time the way we thought we did. Time was many things; it sped up, slowed down, dragged on, and could fly by if you ignored it. Time was a precious thing, and I wasn’t going to waste another second of it.
Lyla ran her hands down my chest as she pulled away. “I’m sorry I let you leave,” she whispered. “I know we haven’t talked about what happens after we graduate, and I don’t know if I’ve already fucked this up—”
“Sweetheart, can I just have a second ?”
She opened her mouth to speak and giggled when I challenged her next move.
“I’m going to say something to you, and I don’t want you to run from me,” I started, repeating the line from a few weeks ago. It got her attention, and when her green eyes met mine, there was no going back.
I smiled and shook my head. “I wish you could catch a sliver of what I see when I look at you. Before you read me all your rules on campus, I was operating in survival mode. You brought back parts of me I thought were lost when Dominic passed away and when Cassie broke up with me . . . it’s a place I don’t want to go back to. I know there will be times when things get hard, but I have a lot of shit to work through too, baby,”—I grinned—“and you’re still here.”
Lyla chuckled softly and tucked a loose curl behind her ear. I thought my heart was going to fumble into my lap. It had been too long since I had her in front of me.
“I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said to you. You’re my best friend, and you’ll never be too much for me. If you think going through something means you’ve fucked this up,” I said through a breathy laugh. “There’s nothing you could do to fuck this up, because I’m in love with you, Lyla.”
Her shoulders relaxed, and I listened for the shaky exhale she made when she was nervous. “We don’t lie, remember?” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper.
“We don’t lie,” I echoed.
“You love me,” she stated, shaking her head in disbelief as tears welled in the corners of her eyes.
“Yeah, baby, I do.” My voice was raspy, and seeing her so against someone caring about her broke my heart. “I’m sorry if that scares you, but I’ll love you every day if you let me.” A nervous laugh slipped through my admission. “I promise you with everything I have that I’m not going to be predictable and disappointing. I want you just the way you are with nothing in return.”
Lyla nodded, taking a deep breath to regain her composure.
I recognized the tiny smile that crept into the corners of her mouth. “Can I kiss you?”
As soon as her lips touched mine, everything fell into place. I had experienced loss and heartbreak. I was damaged in ways I had no idea how to fix. There were days when grief snuck in and decided to stay, threatening to pull me from all of the progress I’d made in trying to move forward. With everything I had been through in the last few years, it was rare when time stood still.
Lyla pulled away and met me with a pondering gaze. “I think I love you too.”
“You say the sweetest things to me, baby girl.”
“No!” she exclaimed, covering her face with her hands. “God, I’m horrible at this.” She dropped her hands in her lap and looked at me. “I know I love you because I’m about to ask you to come with me.”
A cocky ass grin formed on my face, but I couldn’t help it. “And where am I going?”
“I want you to come to Chicago with me,” she whispered like she’d scare me away if she said it any louder. “I don’t know what you’re plan is after graduation, but—”
“Lyla, you are my plan after graduation. Going with you to Chicago or wherever you wanted to go . . . it would be the first time in a long time I’m choosing to do something because I want to and not because I feel like I should.”
She stared at me for a moment until, finally, an exaggerated sigh slipped through the faint smile on her face. “Fuck.”
I leaned her back on the couch as I crawled over her, trailing kisses up her neck and keeping my body off of hers until she admitted defeat. Her hands ignited sparks along my skin as she found her way under my hoodie, gripping my hips and prompting me toward her.
“Not until you say it, baby,” I teased, my erection hard against her stomach. I planted a gentle kiss on her lips and murmured, “I can show you how much I love you right now on this couch— ”
“I love you,” she said, her green eyes staring up at me. I could’ve melted onto the floor. The words left her mouth so effortlessly that they almost caught me by surprise.
We moved to her bedroom in case one of her roommates came home. She let me take my time as if five days had been five years without seeing each other. We were a song of soft moans and kisses, playing softly in the background while our bodies spoke whatever words were left.
Lyla Brooks was mine, and she loved me. I knew there would be times when the world felt heavy, but as long as I had the girl in my arms, I trusted myself to carry it.