Chapter 39
JACK
I take a deep breath and go into the room. We call it the library but it’s just a small room with a desk and wall-to-wall books and their many literary awards displayed. Basically, it’s the only room in the house that has decent Wi-Fi, so they use it for Zoom calls.
Mum is standing by the window, mug of tea in her hands. Dad is behind the desk holding a book.
He puts the book down and Mum turns with a smile.
I slump down opposite Dad, like I’m a student about to get detention.
I pick up a paperback. Before I met Maggie, or Dr Levin, I wouldn’t have got that far, let alone tried to sound out the letters on the front.
Th-e b-i-g but the next word slips away, tangled in shapes and spaces I can’t decipher. I put the book back down.
‘We like Maggie,’ Mum begins with a smile that I recognise has a subtext in the brackets around her mouth.
‘Good. I like her too.’
‘Oh, I’d say it’s more than just liking her,’ Dad says over his glasses. ‘You’re good together. We can see that.’
‘Thank you. She’s been helping me…’ I tread carefully, trying to think of ways to explain how having her with me, as I try to remember that night, has opened up so much. ‘To remember. What happened.’
‘Oh?’ Dad says, my parents casting a glance at each other.
‘I think… there was a reason I was going in the wrong direction. There was a woman, with red hair, and it’s hard to explain, but I think she was in some kind of danger?’
‘Interesting…’ Dad leans back. ‘Have you been to the police?’
‘Not yet.’ I shrug, as if it’s nothing. ‘I haven’t got anything concrete yet. But I will.’
‘And Maggie has helped you remember?’
‘Yeah. She’s… patient. Listens to me.’
‘That’s good,’ Mum replies enthusiastically.
‘Dr Levin thinks that the more I remember, the less pain I’ll feel when I read. It’s already making a difference.’
‘And it’s helping you progress with your reading, then? Seeing Maggie?’ Mum asks gently, coming behind Dad’s chair. I don’t miss the way she lands a hand on Dad’s arm as if to warn him to take things slowly.
‘Yeah… I mean I’m not going to be reading North and South anytime soon, but…’
‘I should hope not,’ Mum interjects. ‘Most depressing book I’ve ever read.
I’ve never understood the need to read the classics, like you can’t be taken seriously unless you’ve read them.
Some of my most successful authors haven’t even been to university, but do you know what?
They can make me laugh, and give me a happy ending when all around us the world is turning to shit.
That’s talent. Wailing on about the mess famous people have made of the world doesn’t make for a great writer or storyteller, it simply shows us they can write a story that doesn’t belong to them. ’
‘Deep,’ I say.
‘So, the shop, Jack.’ Dad jumps into the conversation, his fingers tapping on the edge of the desk.
And here it is.
‘I’ve told you, I still haven’t decided. We agreed I’d try and that’s what I’m doing.’
‘Jack,’ Mum says softly. ‘It’s just that, after Vicky… and we know how much the stroke took from you…’
‘No. No you don’t, Mum. Neither of you do.’
‘No… you’re right. That wasn’t what I meant.’
‘Your mother means that now that things are progressing with your reading that, well it’s time for you to start getting more involved in Chadwick’s.’
‘I am.’
‘Nell runs the shop, Jack. Not you. I popped in last week. She said you’d not been in all week.’ Dad’s voice is sharp. ‘You need to take back some control. It’s time to stop hiding away.’
‘I’m not hiding away. I’m here, aren’t I? And I brought Maggie. I’m moving forwards.’
Dad leans back. ‘Yes. Yes, you are. And we are thrilled for you. Truly. But you can’t be serious about her?’
I stand, angry.
‘Sit down, Jack,’ Mum intervenes. ‘Tom, that was entirely the wrong thing to say. It’s not what he means, Jack. She’s lovely. And we can see how much you care for each other, and it’s clear she’s good for you’ – she clears her throat – ‘right now, but in the long term…’
‘It’s more than that. This isn’t…’
‘A rebound?’
‘Fuck’s sake. Of course it isn’t. Me and Vic were done as soon as I had the stroke.’
‘Yet you’ve not dated anyone since.’
‘No, well I’ve kind of been busy recuperating from a stroke so Tinder has been pretty low on my agenda.’
Mum softens. ‘It was not so long ago that you barely got out of bed. And while we like Maggie, you’ve only just met her, and we worry that…’
‘What? That I’m happy?’
‘No. But perhaps you think she’s the perfect woman for you because… well, she’s a woman who has to keep people at arm’s length, isn’t she? You said it yourself: she finds being around people difficult, what with things the way they are with her phobia and…’
‘I don’t need to listen to this.’
‘Calm down.’ Dad peers over his glasses. ‘No need to go blowing a gasket.’
Mum takes a breath. ‘Darling, you’re stepping back into the world and we couldn’t be more pleased about that, and you’re making progress, but you’ve a long way to go.
Opening the shop, getting back into the life that you love, that’s what will sustain your future.
That’s what you need… whereas with Maggie, well it’s easier for you to hide away from it, isn’t it? ’
I hesitate.
Mum walks around the desk, leans against it, her hand is cold on my cheek. ‘Maggie is lovely. Really, she is, and I know you like her… But, darling, and I say this with nothing but love for you, might you be rushing into a relationship that takes you away rather than immerses you?’
‘HHHHHHIIIIIYYYYAAAAAAA!!’ George’s voice interrupts the conversation as does the loud bang of the closing door.
Mum wipes down her trousers. ‘We’ll talk about it more once you’ve finished your time with Dr Levin, hmmm?’
I try to speak, to defend my relationship with Maggie, but no words come out.