Chapter 46
Maggie
‘He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?’ I ask Derek. We’re sitting side by side, his leg nudged against mine as we watch Chariots of Fire.
He frowns, and that resistance that his dementia has forced in place is lowering.
Today is a good day. Sometimes, he’s so scared of letting his true feelings out that it’s like a steel wall is locking his true identity away, but today, it’s softer, more like lace than metal.
‘You’d make a good couple. He’d give you a run for your money though.
’ I nudge him. He lets out a small scoff and I pass him the box of Turkish delight that he enjoys.
Christmas has been and gone in a flurry of chocolate orange, Baileys and some of my favourite movies watched with Tess: The Holiday, The Man Who Invented Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life and Bill Murray’s Scrooged.
Flicks doesn’t quite feel the same as it once did.
I still work one shift… although I’ve switched days with Claire and helped her find a new babysitter, a kind girl, Ambika, who I bumped into at the corner shop and was looking for work.
Friday night felt too raw. To be there without him.
And the first time I tried to watch Dirty Dancing, my eyes kept flitting behind me, checking the door, and let’s face it, that film deserves more of my respect.
I toasted the New Year with Riz, while we watched When Harry Met Sally with a bottle of cheap fizz and I tried not to think of how Jack and his family were seeing the New Year in.
I’ve finally set up my own website, and have a few clients on my books.
Some of them through my flyers dotted around Flicks and local shops; others who have found me through word of mouth.
It’s a small fledgling business but it’s mine and it’s starting to build a steady income.
I’ve even started to save a bit each month so I can get a new car.
Or maybe even a van if things keep going well.
Derek flashes a grin at me. ‘Oh I don’t know… I’ve always been quite athletic.’ He pops the sweet in his mouth, a dusting of white powder falling onto his jumper.
‘You old devil, I bet you are.’
Ravina pops her head around the corner. ‘What are you two sniggering about?’
‘Never you mind!’ Derek taps his nose, but I can see the fog is rolling in. He’s trying to work out why he’s watching a sports programme.
‘Shall I pop on Gardener’s World?’ I move away from him, and select the prerecording that he seems to like. I stand and wipe my hands on my trousers.
‘Mags? Could I have a quick word?’ Ravina smiles and beckons me towards two chairs in the corridor.
‘Sure. Everything OK?’
‘Yes, it’s been a good day today, although Mrs Davenport in room thirty-nine threw her bedpan at me.’ I grimace as she points to the small mark on her forehead. ‘Thank you for visiting Derek. I know how much joy you coming here brings him.’
‘It’s a pleasure – anything I can do to help make his days a bit brighter. It’s like he can feel the loss of William, but he can’t understand why he’s in pain. I try to distract him as best as I can.’
She nods. ‘And you do and, well, I’ve spoken to the powers that be, and we wondered if you’d be interested in a more permanent position?’
‘A job?’
‘Mmhmmmm.’ She nods, brown ponytail swinging. ‘Not as a carer, but as a companion? Just a few hours a week… We’d love you to be part of the team.’
‘I…’
I don’t know how to react. I want to say yes. Of course I want to say yes. I would have to leave the department store job, and then I could fit it in with the rest of my cleaning, but being a proper member of staff would be difficult.
‘Thank you. But… can I think about it? I have a condition and…’
She nods. ‘I know.’ She looks at me with understanding, I wonder if Riz is somehow behind this job offer.
‘But you seem to be adapting?’ I press my lips together and look along the corridor where a young couple are looking at each other with worried eyes as they take in their surroundings, then I pull myself back to Ravina’s hopeful expression.
‘Just think about it and let me know? If not, well… keep on doing what you’re doing.
The place is brighter for having you here. ’
* * *
Riz’s room is two flights up, at the end of the corridor with windows that look out towards the southernmost tip of the bay. There is laughter from inside her room and I give the door a quick knock before I go in.
‘Maggie, darling!’ Riz’s face cracks into a red-lipsticked smile.
‘Meet Phillip!’ She leans forward on her chair, the table between them scattered with playing cards and what suspiciously looks like brandy in the bottom of their cups.
‘This is the girl I was telling you about.’ He is still tall despite his age, skin marked with years of a happy life threaded around the skin of his eyes and mouth.
‘Ah.’
My brows furrow at the look of sadness that flashes across his face. The type that stems from understanding someone, before they’ve said anything.
‘Nice to meet you,’ I reply, regardless of the expression on his face.
I walk to the window, pulling open the curtains a little more.
From Riz’s room, I can occasionally see Jack’s lighthouse.
I hadn’t noticed it at first, but sometimes, if the sky is clear I get a glimpse.
It’s like I can feel the turn of its cogs, the rhythm of it.
The pull of safety it brings. I picture Chadders filled with family and laughter, the lighthouse keeping a watchful eye.
Warmth settles in my stomach, my thoughts linking to each imaginary turn of the lamp: I was right; I was right; I was right.
I turn my back and lean against the sill.
‘Phillip used to be a psychologist.’ She looks at me pointedly.
‘Really? How interesting.’ I give her an equally pointed stare.
He dips his head in response.
‘Well.’ He lands his hands on his knees and pulls himself out of the chair, wincing as he does. ‘Damn these old bones.’
‘Oh shush, you have a lot to be grateful for. Can’t bloody stand all the moans and groans around this place. Many folk don’t get to this age; we should all be walking around with permanent smiles as far as I’m concerned. Hitting your eighties is a damned lottery win if you ask me.’
‘You’re right, you’re right.’ He grins at Riz, all white dentures and sparkling eyes.
Still a handsome man, I bet he had his pick…
and looking at the way Riz’s hair is clipped up and the shade of her lipstick, I reckon he still can.
‘Good to meet you, Maggie.’ He shuffles towards the door, leaving his hand on the frame before meeting my eyes.
He hesitates, like he’s about to give me some sage advice, but then throws Riz another smile and leaves.
‘Soooo Phillip huh?’ I wiggle my eyebrows up and down suggestively, steering well away from his profession.
‘Oh, behave yourself. One whiff of sexual tension would likely send his blood pressure skyrocketing.’ She shifts in her seat, winces, sucking in air sharply.
I head towards her, hands twitching at my sides as she struggles to shift the cushions behind her.
‘Are you all right? Do you need me to get a nurse?’
‘To shift a few cushions? Absolutely not. I’m fine, just a bit stiff is all.’
I take the recently vacated chair and shift it back, but I don’t miss the way Riz is clenching her fist as though she’s holding her pain in her palm.
I know better than to ask Riz again but I will speak to Gloria, the nurse on duty. She’s hiding something from me. I’m tempted to touch her, but Riz is as proud as they come, and it’s not for me to go pickpocketing her thoughts, no matter how much I want to.
‘Now, I’ve been telling Phillip all about you and your… problems and he thinks it’s all down to deep abandonment issues.’
My eyebrows rise sceptically. ‘That’s not what this is.’
‘So, you’re not afraid of being cast aside, left alone?’
‘Everyone is afraid of that.’ I reach over and grab a biscuit.
‘True, but it doesn’t stop folk from at least giving it a go. Tell me, have you finally come to your senses and been in touch with Jack?’
I shake my head, chewing with frustration. We’ve been over this conversation more times than I can count. ‘You know I haven’t. I’m not good for him, Riz.’
‘See! This proves Phillip’s theory! You’re scared of being abandoned and thus are protecting yourself from letting anyone get close to you.’
‘Rubbish! I’m not seeing Jack because I will hold him back from the life I know he wants. As I’ve said. Repeatedly.’
‘Humph. Just because you keep saying it doesn’t mean it’s true. You’re not being fair to him or to yourself.’
Tears spring in my eyes and I look away to the window, feeling the pulse of the lighthouse, the pulse of that life I was part of for a brief moment.
Her voice softens. ‘Forgive me, love, but my time on this glorious earth will soon be at an end and I hate to go before I see you living your life, not hiding away from it because you’re afraid of being cast aside. Answer me this, Maggie, do you want to see him?’
I let out a long breath. ‘You know I do.’
‘Then go!’
‘I can’t.’
‘Poppycock. You mean you won’t.’
‘Yes. That’s exactly what I mean. I won’t stand in the way of him living the life he wants, Riz.’ No matter how much it feels like my insides are on fire.
She shakes her head sadly. I straighten and reach for another biscuit, swiftly changing track. ‘So what’s the goss around here, apart from you and Phillip getting it on after lights out?’
‘Mrs Khan from room sixteen has kicked the bucket.’
Mrs Khan had become one of Riz’s partners in crime, as she liked to call her.
‘Oh no! I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s a shit. She slipped off in the middle of Midsomer Murders and she will be furious that she didn’t find out who put the poison in the loganberry jam…
but there are worse ways to go. She’d had her supper first and she had her family around her so that’s something.
I’d hate to leave this mortal plane on my own. ’
She glances up and Gloria the nurse walks in. Gloria, as the name suggests, is bright and cheerful, pink hair backcombed like a ball of candyfloss. ‘Time for your meds. Oh hello, Maggie. Didn’t see you sneak through.’
‘She’s like a spy this one – stays close to the shadows. That’s why she only comes to see me at night.’
‘Shush, nobody but you is supposed to know about my secret identity,’ I joke, at the same time pushing away thoughts of seeing Jack. I glance at the pills Riz tips into her palm, spotting a pink one that I haven’t seen before.
‘Gloria, tell me’ – Riz throws the pills to the back of her throat and gulps a glug of water from her glass – ‘if you met a tall, dark and handsome man, who is clearly head over heels for you, who is successful and funny and kind, would you let him go?’ I shake my head and roll my eyes at Gloria, my attempt to dismiss Riz’s tone.
Gloria lets out a deep throaty laugh but wags her finger at Riz. ‘I’m still not going to answer that. Leave the poor girl alone; she has her reasons.’
‘Thank you, Gloria. I do,’ I challenge, folding my arms in front of me.
Riz lets out a long sigh. ‘Youth is wasted on the young.’
Gloria sits beside Riz, checks her pulse. ‘Will you stop doing that. I’m old and still alive, no amount of checking is going to stop me marching towards the pearly gates.’ Gloria shakes her head with a smile but there is concern pulling at the edges. ‘Right. Bedtime for you,’ she adds standing.
‘Absolutely not. Not until Maggie tells me that she’s going to go to Jack and lets him know what a magnificent fool she’s being.’
Gloria tuts and shakes her head. ‘I’ll be back at nine to make sure you’re behaving yourself.’
‘Well?’ Riz challenges as Gloria leaves. ‘You’re not going to decline a dying woman’s wish, are you?’
‘Riz, I love you, but in this case yes. Yes I am. I know what I’m doing. It’s for the best.’
She lets out a pffft.
‘I know you think we should be together but it’s not as simple as that.’
‘Poppycock. You think that life is always easy?’
‘No. I know first-hand that it’s not.’ There is a snap to my words and she softens.
‘Did I tell you that the first time Art asked for my hand I said no? He was too good for me, you see. Came from money, was distinguished and always behaved impeccably… all the things I wasn’t.
But do you know what I discovered? That I was everything he needed.
He’d grown up with the weight of expectation on his shoulders, and I was able to fill in all the little gaps that made him into the person he was always meant to be.
His parents thought I wasn’t good enough for him, but I was, and he was a better person for meeting me.
You see, my lovely girl, what makes a person the best version of themselves is when they find all the gaps in themselves and fill them with the things that matter.
I said no to my Art, but then I realised the reasons I was saying no were nothing to do with him or his family; they were to do with me.
I needed to fill those gaps, those little parts of me that I thought weren’t good enough.
It took me a year, but I filled those parts of me with life and experiences that I needed to become the best version of myself.
I needed to fall in love with me before I could fall in love with him. Do you see?’
‘I…’
‘Fall in love with the person you want to be, Maggie. Take all of those holes and cracks that are holding you back and find a way to mend them. It’s not being with Jack that you’re afraid of, it’s being left alone.’
I don’t tell her that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I can’t give him what he truly wants, and in the end, being together will only end up hurting us both.
‘Now enough chat, it’s time for the new series of that bonk-buster and it’s time you stopped spending your evenings with an old bird like me.’
‘I like spending my nights with you.’
She shakes her head and shifts. There is a flash of pain and she clamps her mouth tightly. ‘As I say… youth is wasted on the young.’