12. Elliot #2
The silence between us stretched until the elevator pinged its alert that the doors were still open.
“I told you it’s important and personal to me, Elliot…”
I cut her off, saying, “You could tell me; trust me with whatever it is.”
She tilted her head as if she were assessing the truth in my words, wondering if she could trust me.
Then she took a deep breath and replied, “I will come here as soon as I get back from New York.”
Harper turned and stepped inside the elevator. I stood there watching her disappear, already worried that I had somehow screwed this up.
Lucy and her team had done an incredible job on our holiday event. Our staff were actually looking like they were enjoying themselves this year, which was saying something.
Julian had her glued to his side the entire night, and it made me miss Harper even more. Every time someone approached, I found myself looking for a woman who wasn't there.
Theo noticed first, asking, "Where's your girlfriend?"
"Not my girlfriend." I quipped, even though my heart did a weird thing.
Theo looked delighted. "That's not what it looks like from the outside."
I ignored him, and my eyes caught across the room; Julian was watching Lucy. This wasn’t a look that I had seen from him before, and the difference mattered.
Lucy stood at the edge of the dance floor with a little boy wrapped in her arms while she laughed and Julian looked completely gone.
I tore my eyes away from him and looked back at Lucy, and for one insane second… I didn’t see her; I saw Harper.
I saw Harper standing in this very ballroom, holding a little blond-haired boy with blue eyes. Laughing and so happy, they looked back at me. Like I was the thing that made them that happy… The image hit so hard it felt physical. I looked away immediately.
What was wrong with me?
Theo laughed, and I realized he was still watching me. He slapped Rowan on the back, saying, “His meltdown is going to be epic when she realizes how much work he is. Maybe I should make my play with Harper before she moves on...”
I didn’t hear whatever he said next. My chest squeezed painfully, and I needed a drink. I moved to the bar and ordered two fingers of scotch. The glass didn’t hit the bar before I was shooting it back and asking for another.
I noticed Sofia walking away from Rowan, a look on her face that I would have loved to have Harper dissect with me.
I shook my head, not having the mental capacity to deal with whatever the fuck Rowan was up to, turned and rested my back against the bar, trying to calm my racing heart and my treacherous eyes drifted back to Lucy, unsure if I wanted to see that vision again or if it terrified me.
"Still staring?"
I turned and came face to face with one of the board members, who stood beside me. Old money and far too similar to Julian's dad, Richard, for my liking.
"Sorry?" I asked.
"Where is the stunning Harper Lane this evening? You would think the women you've been parading around for the past month would be by your side on a night like tonight."
I didn’t answer, and that pushed him to continue, "She didn't last long."
Something cold settled in my stomach, and I swallowed back the bile that was churning.
I plastered on my best practiced smile and replied, "We're fine. She had a prior commitment."
He laughed, and the sound irritated me instantly. "Sure."
My jaw tightened, and he shrugged, saying, "Women like that move on fast."
The words seeped in somewhere ugly. They settled deep, digging into old wounds.
"Excuse me?" I couldn’t keep the irritation out of my voice if I tried.
He gestured vaguely, adding, "Someone that beautiful. From what I have seen, she is smart and independent. She doesn't seem to need you for your money or connections…" Then he smiled, but it was the smile of a shark. "Ms. Lane probably already found someone else."
I stared at him and then I laughed, because the alternative was admitting that for one brief second… any of it could be true. I hated the idea.
The asshole wandered off and the conversation should have died there. Instead, it followed me through every conversation afterward. Questions I couldn't answer started stacking up in my mind.
Who was Harper, really?
Where did she disappear to?
Why wouldn't she tell me?
Why did she have the money she had?
Why did she hide things?
Why had she never let me into her home?
Why did I know so little about the woman I couldn't stop thinking about?
The thoughts grew teeth, and by ten thirty, I couldn't seem to stop them. By ten forty-five, they were eating me alive, because another realization had slipped in beside them. One I hated even more. I loved having Harper in my life, but I did not know if she wanted me in hers. And if she didn't...
If this mattered more to me than it did to her, then I was about to hand her the ability to destroy me.
The feeling that followed felt suspiciously familiar.
Like I was twelve years old, and finally giving up waiting for people who never came, believing love was something that happened to other people.
That I had something wrong with me if my own parents didn’t, couldn’t, love me.
The panic crashed in all around me and by eleven; I was standing alone, my phone in my hand, with my thoughts spiralling.
Hurt her before she hurts you.
Show her that you are in control of this arrangement.
This isn’t real. She’ll leave me, choose someone else… no one stays for me… no one chooses me.
The voice sounded a lot like survival, a lot like reason… a lot like every lesson I'd ever learned.
My breathing was laboured, and my pulse was erratic as my thumb hovered over an old contact.
Hurt her before she hurts you.
I could do this. I could show her… with someone familiar, safe, someone who didn't matter.
Midnight approached, and with it, the end of our arrangement.
My heart pounded, and before I could stop myself…
Before I could think...
Before I could remember the cake and the birthday and the way Harper smiled when she looked at me, I typed out a message and hit send.
I immediately hated myself, but not enough to take it back.
So when Caleb called for me, with a worried look on his face. I finished another glass of scotch and walked away from Caleb, our friends, and the reasoning I didn’t want to hear.