Chapter 4
I flipped through the videos. When these people did it, the effect was casual elegance and mismatched charm—that was what they called it. But when I tried…
I looked up from my phone to examine my new couch again.
My pillow arrangement was nothing like what the content creators displayed in their own homes.
It reminded me more of the shelf at the store, where everything had been thrown around and jumbled, not carefully placed and styled like I had tried to do.
I’d wasted a bunch of money, the pillows looked like crap, and this was a boring way to spend a Saturday.
This morning after I’d gotten dressed, I’d gone to the coffee shop and sat for a little while, mostly watching people.
It had been busy there but I hadn’t talked to anyone.
What would I have said? Everyone at work seemed to be very excited about the change in weather, how it was getting slightly warmer.
Several of them had mentioned wearing shorts this weekend which seemed insane to me—it absolutely wasn’t that warm, but a few people at the café had been dressed like it was the middle of summer. I had on a sweater.
Then I had gone to buy these pillows, and now…
I pushed them out of the way to make a space for myself on the seat.
Now I wasn’t sure what to do. Sometimes the weekends were hard without homework or a job to keep me busy.
You could only clean your apartment so many times.
Maybe I could go to the gym? I’d been doing that frequently since there were a lot of hours after work, too, and I only stayed until five o’clock when the building emptied out.
My boss was gone well before that. In fact, he’d been out all day Thursday and Friday to meet friends and play polo, the horse kind.
I went to my bedroom and changed into workout stuff, slowly because there was no rush.
I slowly went down to the parking lot, too, and then something weird happened.
I had always taken care of my car, performing all the standard maintenance and bringing it in for the things I couldn’t do myself.
It had seemed ok when I’d been out this morning but when I started it now, there was a funny rattling sound.
I let it run for a while and as the engine warmed up, it did get quieter—but I wouldn’t ignore what I’d heard because I planned to have this car until it fell into pieces on the road in twenty or so years.
I sat for a while longer and researched the problem as the engine continued to run quietly.
Luckily, I knew a mechanic. I didn’t need him to fix anything but he could confirm my diagnosis and he would have recommendations about a repair shop.
I remembered that he worked at a dealership that belonged to a part-owner of the Woodsmen team, which (I’d discovered) meant that he worked at Whitaker Automotive.
That name was everywhere in this area since the family seemed to own everything else, too. Mr. Gowan was married to a Whitaker.
I drove to the dealership, parked, and quickly texted. “Hi. Do you have a second to discuss a problem with my car?”
In a moment, Ronan responded. “Cate. What’s the matter with it?”
“I think it’s the timing belt. It might make the noise again if you want to come outside. I’m parked here. If you have time,” I added.
He didn’t answer but after a minute, he walked out of one of the garage bays, wiping his hands on a rag. He smiled when he saw me standing next to my car, too. “Hello. Where have you been?”
“Around. Working. Doing things.” That sounded empty and dumb. “What about you?”
“I was mostly crying at home since you left me at the practice facility last week,” he said. “We were going to lunch, but you took off. Now you’re here wanting me to fix your car.”
I swallowed and felt my cheeks get hot. In fact, I felt hot all over as I remembered that day and how Ed was trying to be a matchmaker. I had run away from that because I was embarrassed, and I was again now. I tried to be a duck and let it roll off, like everything always did for me. “Sorry.”
“Why’d you leave like that?”
Did I really have to explain it? I shook my head and lied instead. “I had to get back to my desk. I’m trying to accomplish things, to get at least some of the repairs done. I’ll be persistent until I get a response.”
“Right, I remember that you said you were persistent and went after your goals.”
“I’ll leave,” I told him. “Sorry I pulled you out of work and bothered you.”
“No, you didn’t,” he said. “I’m taking a little break. I can look at your car and forgive you for letting me go hungry that day.”
“I wasn’t trying to be a bitch.”
He winced. “Yeah, I know. You said that before, too. Start the car and let me listen.”
I felt some of the heat ebb out of me. “Ok, thank you.”
I had been correct in my suspicions: it was a bad timing belt but there was also good news. “This kind of engine will survive if the belt breaks. You’ll get stranded but you don’t have to worry about total destruction. Where do you live?” he asked me. “I can come by later.”
“No, you don’t have to. I only wanted to get a second opinion before I hire someone. I’m not expecting you to work on my car for me.”
“I think it’s the least I can do. You’re the only one who ever tried to help the situation for Eddie.” He waited and then prompted an answer. “Yes?”
“Yes, thank you.” I ended up skipping the gym and driving home.
I went slowly and carefully, not to waste time but to protect my engine because I didn’t want to get stranded.
Then I returned to working on my couch before deciding that Ronan probably wouldn’t notice the pillows or care that they were supposed to look understated yet curated.
That was what one woman in a video had said about her collection, which she did call a collection.
I also took a moment to check how I myself looked.
Not that it mattered, but I was doing better than my couch.
Once I had reached about the seventh grade, I’d figured out that I needed to get a haircut from someone other than my dad, and I had also realized that I needed normal clothes that fit and not just what I’d found in the dollar bin or in a mystery bag at the thrift store.
It still hadn’t mattered to me how I looked—well, it hadn’t mattered too much, but I had become aware that other people treated you differently if you were pretty.
I got a positive response when I was clean and styled and also wearing decent outfits (ones that went together better than the pillows on my couch).
So, besides a period when I was sixteen, I had always made an effort with my appearance.
When I saw myself in the mirror now, I thought that I was ok.
I didn’t have beautiful green eyes like others, but blue was also fine.
I had blonde highlights in my hair that some people believed were fake because those looked nice, too.
I was going to the gym so much that I could see a difference in myself, body-wise, and my features hadn’t ever embarrassed me. I was really fine.
I was opening the door to straighten the “hey, there” mat when Ronan showed up.
He waved when he saw me and I watched him walk up the steps.
“You’re early,” I said. He was dressed differently, no longer in the shirt with “Whitaker Automotive” embroidered on it and also looking a lot cleaner, totally grease-free and like he’d just bathed.
That didn’t make sense, since he was about to work on my engine.
“I was in a hurry to get here. I love timing belts,” he said. “The thing is, it’s going to take me a couple of hours to replace that part. I was thinking that we could go to dinner instead and you can bring your car over to my house tomorrow. I have all my tools there.”
“I guess that makes more sense,” I agreed.
“I’m known for making sense, not just on the team and at the dealership but throughout northern Michigan. They call me the sensible one when they’re not saying that I’m the miniature golf champ.”
“I beat you,” I reminded him. I had the one-eyed crocodile to prove it.
“I don’t remember it that way.” He looked over my shoulder. “You have a nice apartment.”
“Do you want to come in?” I invited. I ended up showing him around, but there wasn’t much to see.
One of his long strides brought him from the living room into the kitchen area, then another got him into the bedroom that accommodated a bed but not a lot else.
It looked a lot smaller with two people in here, which had never happened before.
It looked especially small since one of us was mountain-sized.
The tour took less than a minute but Ronan said again that it was very nice, that he liked my apartment.
It was gratifying to hear. “And there’s no one in there with me,” I said with satisfaction as we went to his truck/SUV.
“You like being on your own?”
“Yes,” I answered. “I like knowing that no one will bother me, eat my food, or mess with my stuff.”
“Do you have brothers and sisters who did that crap? I grew up with eight other kids,” he mentioned, and I turned to him in shock.
“You’re one of nine?”
“Let me get this.” He yanked open the passenger door.
“Yep, there were nine kids in the house, which is why I also love living alone. The last time I had a girlfriend want to move in, I told her no, I don’t do that.
No girlfriends, no roommates, not even a pet.
Just me. I’ll never forget my cousin peeing in the yard. ”
“What? What does that mean?”
The other door worked well and he got in, too. “I have one brother by blood, but my parents took in everyone. My aunt had a lot of problems so my cousins lived with us, and our neighbor got sent to prison and we took in his three children.”
“That must have been chaos,” I mentioned.