Chapter 9 #2
“I just came by to say hello,” I let her know. “Also, I think this problem between us has gone on long enough.”
“What problem?”
“The thing about Channing,” I said. “I’m really sorry that he turned out to be an asshole but I wish you weren’t mad at me about it.
I didn’t know that he was cheating, not before I saw him at dinner with that woman, and Ronan didn’t know anything about her either.
But I’m sorry anyway because I think that you deserve better. ”
She glanced at the fabric wall that separated her space from the next guy. He was definitely there, because I could hear him breathing in a snorty kind of way. “Are you done for the day?” she asked me.
“I just have to get my bag.”
She nodded and stood. “Let’s walk out together.”
We went into my office and I saw that my boss was already gone. I grabbed my stuff, patting Polyphemus on the head because I wouldn’t see him again until Monday.
Kiya was waiting in the hallway. “Victoria already left,” she mentioned, tilting her head towards the security office. “She was talking about having a party at her apartment after the game. She finally got furniture.”
She had mentioned that to me, too, but I hadn’t heard details. “I may be busy,” I mentioned as I pushed open the outer door. A warm summer breeze wafted over me and I loved it.
“Ugh, it’s so hot. You mean, you might have plans with Ronan,” she confirmed, and I nodded. “And he hasn’t talked to Channing?”
“Not that I know of, but I wasn’t pushing him to. I thought you didn’t care,” I said. “Also, I think he would be a terrible spy. Before, you were talking about writing a script for him to follow—”
“That sounds so dumb to me now,” she said dolefully. “I don’t want anybody to be a spy. I mean, I do, and I also don’t. Ronan doesn’t have to talk to my Ca—to Channing, but I do care.” She sighed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with him.”
“What?” I asked. “You did that?”
“Yeah, I did that, so he wasn’t cheating on me when you saw him.
Our relationship had started to feel so familiar!
” she told me. “I was insecure about how he was acting, and it wasn’t just that one time when he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.
I wasn’t expecting a daily report on his emotions or anything.
Then I realized why I got so crazy about it. ”
“Yes?” I prompted.
“It was a pattern that I’d seen before. It was the same thing that my college boyfriend did,” she explained.
“I love you, now I’m pulling back. I think you’re the one, now I’m not responding to your texts.
I’m not running around on you, but I’m hiding my location.
What app? No, I’m only looking for friends.
I care about your track meet, but I’m not going to make the time to go.
” She shook her head. “I wanted Channing to drive downstate to meet my parents and he acted just like my ex always did when I asked him about something important to me. They both hemmed and hawed and then waited until the last second to say no. And it was for the same reason,” she told me.
“What’s the reason?” I asked.
“You really don’t know? Yeah, because that’s you, too,” she said.
“What’s me?”
Kiya stopped. “You don’t want to commit to someone. You’re doing it the right way, though, because you’re not pretending. But my last two relationships have been with guys who say all the right things about the future but when push comes to shove…”
I kept walking, not really sure about what to say. Did she think that I was afraid of a relationship? I wasn’t afraid.
“I’m just glad that I saw it so early with Channing,” she continued as she caught up.
“I dated the other guy for three years. Three years! It took that long before I got enough self-respect to figure it out. But then I saw myself acting just the same way all over again, like I hadn’t learned anything. I’m proud that I stopped myself.”
“Why were you so mad at me about it? Is it because you think that I’m the same as those two guys?”
“No, I just said that you’re different!” she reminded me. “You’re not trying to draw someone in with lies. You’re straightforward about it. That’s why it’s lucky that you and Ronan found each other, since you both want the same things.”
“Right. Exactly, except that we’re not together.”
She gave me a look. “Ok, sure.”
“Whatever,” I said irritably. “You weren’t together with Channing for very long. Maybe you were just pushing him too hard and trying to go too fast.”
“Yeah, maybe, but it’s what I want. And if he doesn’t? He can eat me!”
“That’s definitely your prerogative but if you’re so good with it, then why have you been acting angry and pouty?” I asked her, and she stopped again.
Slowly, she turned to face me, and I saw that tears had started to run down her cheeks. “I’m not good with it. I’m trying, though.” She sniffled. “It’s hard to see you girls happy and enjoying yourselves, when I want to crawl into a hole and cry every day.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said. She sniffed again, loudly.
“Everyone in my department thinks that there’s some kind of air flow issue around the cubicles in the corner because I keep blowing my nose and the guy next to me snorts constantly.
But it’s because I’m crying and he’s always picking boogers. ”
“That’s disgusting,” I said, and she agreed but wasn’t sure how to curb his behavior. “Just to be clear, you’re not blaming me because you think I should have warned you away from Channing, or gotten Ronan to make him behave better, or something like that?”
“No, it’s not you. I’ve also been keeping away from Victoria and I’m driving Taylor crazy with how I’ve been refusing to leave our condo. It kind of has a smell…anyway, I’ve been upset with everyone, all the time.”
We arrived at her car and she hugged me before she got into it, leaving me to watch her drive away.
I went to the gym, where I thought about my butt and set a steep incline on the treadmill, and then I returned to my own apartment.
I had re-checked the lease and it definitely said that there were no pets allowed, not my own or those belonging to any visitor, and not even a fish.
I carefully removed some of my nice pillows before I sat and decided that next weekend, I would bring Polyphemus home with me.
Ronan texted that night, checking in. “Were you lonely at the gym?”
“It was quieter,” I answered. He wasn’t loud but he usually had something to talk about.
“Are you lonely at the team hotel?” For the sake of research, I’d driven by the place on my way home from working out, and it looked very nice.
Staying in a nice place didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be lonely, though.
“I’m good. Don’t worry.”
I wasn’t worried, because he was an adult who was old enough to take care of himself and devise his own entertainment.
“Do football players make friends with each other?” I asked him.
No, I wasn’t worried but it would have been nice for him if that happened.
And if anyone could attract people into friendship, it was Ronan.
“They do. A lot of the guys here are already friends and I’m meeting them.”
I thought of how things had gone for me when I’d started at new schools, the crowds that you had to walk around rather than through, the eyes on you. My success despite that pressure was one of my accomplishments.
But I could admit that it had sucked. I hoped it wasn’t sucking for him.
“No, it doesn’t,” he answered when I asked him that. I could imagine him smiling as he wrote. “Nothing sucks. I’m playing for the Woodsmen.”
I had a hard time sleeping that night because I was thinking about the game tomorrow and I was thinking again about Kiya, too.
She’d been sad and angry but she hadn’t blamed me for that.
She’d left her Cado after he hadn’t seemed ready or able to give her what she wanted, and she knew what that was.
As did I. I knew exactly what I wanted and I always had: a steady career and a safe home. Right now, I also wanted sleep and that wasn’t coming.
But finally, it was morning. I went to the stadium early, very early.
As an employee, I was allowed through the gate but I really had nothing to do once I was there.
I walked to the outside concourse, where the cheerleaders performed before the game and where the Community Relations department had set up booths for various charities and activities.
Why hadn’t I thought about this? I should have done one for the Junior Woodsmen!
I decided that I would try at the next home game, if there was space.
At the least, I could advance my marketing campaign and put up banners advertising the team.
There was probably enough money left in the budget…
I wasn’t going to worry about that today. I approached one of the guys trying to hang a sign on a booth. “Hi, I’m Cate from the Office of Special Projects. Can I help?”
“Office of special whats? Sure, I’d love it,” he told me. Time went by faster if you were busy.
Eventually, they opened the doors to the stadium and we were allowed to go inside to watch the players stretch and warm up on the field.
When he’d seen the tickets I’d gotten, Ed had been thrilled but had also warned me to bring binoculars.
“They’re pretty high up,” he’d explained, and he was correct.
We were so high that I understood why these seats were called “nosebleed” and I didn’t think that I’d been able to even see this row when we’d taken the stadium tour for new employees.