Chapter 23
Gemma was exhausted, and one look at the comfy bed in Cat’s spare room was enough to make her want to crawl under the duvet and stay there, but she resisted the temptation and made herself a drink instead.
Then she sat at Cat’s breakfast bar and stared at the wall while she tried to reconcile what Cat had told her.
It sounded very convoluted, but the headline was that Shiny Rachel – she must stop calling her that – had goofed big time by sending a presentation to the wrong client, a client who was a competitor of the rightful recipient.
Cat had mentioned this to her in an earlier email, but what had subsequently happened sounded rather like something from a Netflix drama, as Rachel tried to blame other people for her mistake in an attempt to save her career.
That one of those people was Cat showed how little the woman knew her.
Cat could be the truest friend and staunchest of allies, but cross her at your peril.
The end result was that Rachel was no longer employed by Mayfield Dawson and, while trying to sort out all the chaos, Abby had taken the opportunity to have a little shake-up of her team.
Cat had been promoted, and there was now another opening for someone at her level.
And Abby hoped that someone would be Gemma.
It was the kind of role that Leonards had offered her those four short months ago – the kind of role she had dreamed of.
And as Cat began to tell her about it, she had felt her excitement levels rising.
It was everything she had once wanted, and potentially more.
Could it really be that simple? Could she just slot back into her old life and have it continue almost seamlessly, just as it always had?
Perhaps it was also a sign that this was meant to be – certainly the timing of it couldn’t be more perfect.
Maybe her time at the farm was only ever meant to be a brief interlude – like a fever dream, intense and all-consuming while it lasted, but never meant to be permanent. Perhaps…
She finished her drink and rinsed the mug under the tap.
Cat’s kitchen contained all the appliances which had hit the top-ten covetable gadgets list, and Gemma eyed the fancy coffee-maker.
She’d made instant coffee just now, but as she looked at the machine it struck her that what she really wanted was something sweet.
Because it made hot chocolate, too. Opening the cupboards revealed an array of fancy sachets just like the ones she used to order, and her favourite cinnamon mix was right there among them.
Cat wouldn’t mind. Hadn’t she said to make herself at home?
The rest of the afternoon stretched ahead of Gemma and now she knew exactly how she wanted to spend it.
The shower was like the one she had at home.
In fact, it was exactly the same model. She’d had hers installed just after her mum moved in with her – for the days when the chemotherapy left her feeling horrible.
Gemma defied anyone not to feel better after standing under the enormous waterfall head, and she turned it on now, dialling up the heat.
She didn’t need to worry about how much water she was using here, and she intended to make the most of it.
While the room began to fill with steam, she surveyed Cat’s collection of foaming oils and chose a sweet almond one, scented with frangipani.
She was going to enjoy this so much. She stripped off her clothes and stepped under the deluge.
The first minute was wonderful, but the longer she stood there, the more her guilt rose around her, like billows of steam.
She couldn’t do it. She reached out and turned both the heat and power down.
Twenty minutes later, having pulled on Cat’s fluffy robe, she curled into the squishy corner of the sofa and turned on the TV. A mug of hot chocolate stood on the table in front of her with a bowl of thick-cut cheddar and balsamic vinegar crisps to one side.
The hardest part of the whole afternoon had been choosing what to watch.
There hadn’t been a television at the farm, and she’d lost touch with all her favourite shows.
There was a new series of one available, and so many more new ones which caught her eye, she didn’t know which to pick first. She sighed. A good binge-watch was long overdue.
Cat woke her at almost seven, the TV still talking to itself in the background. And she had not come home empty-handed – the house was filled with the unmistakable smell of pizza.
‘I went to Piccolino’s on the way home,’ she said. ‘I hope that’s okay. Got our favourite: nduja, peppers and gorgonzola.’
Gemma pulled herself awake, blinking blearily. She had a vague headache and felt a little sick. No doubt a reaction to the stress of the day. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m away with the fairies.’ She got to her feet and followed Cat into the kitchen. ‘I had a shower and stuff, I hope you don’t mind.’
‘Why would I mind? You deserve it after the time you’ve had.
’ She paused at an open cupboard door. ‘Plates? Or just eat it out of the box?’ She shrugged.
‘Box it is. I know I don’t do any washing-up, but some days even the faff of loading the dishwasher is too much, isn’t it?
Right, you grab the pizza and I’ll get a bottle of something open. Then I can tell you what Abby said.’
It turned out that Abby had been ecstatic to learn that Gemma was back. And not just back so that she could have a chat with her, but possibly back for good.
‘You know what she’s like,’ said Cat. ‘You can barely get a word in at the best of times, but she was off the scale this afternoon. She even cleared her diary for three whole hours tomorrow morning so she can see you. That’s all right, isn’t it? I didn’t think it would be a problem.’
‘Er, no… it sounds great. Sooner the better.’ She stared at the slice of pizza in her hand, aware that Cat was studying her.
‘Is everything okay? You look a bit peaky.’
Gemma swallowed. ‘It’s just I… I haven’t eaten pizza for a while.’ She took a bite, feeling grease swim on her lips. ‘But I’ll get the hang of it. I think I’m just knackered. My head feels like it’s about to explode.’
Cat returned her own slice of pizza to the box for a moment. ‘I should have thought, I’m sorry. I’m not surprised though, you’ve been living in a backwater for months; the pace must feel frantic.’
‘It wasn’t that we weren’t busy, just…’ She trailed off. ‘A different kind of busy, I guess.’
Cat picked up her pizza again and took a large bite. ‘I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark,’ she said. ‘With Abby, I mean. I know it’s all a bit of a rush, but you being here seems so serendipitous, I don’t want to lose the opportunity while things are fresh in Abby’s mind.’
Gemma shook her head. ‘No, you’re right. And I know what Abby’s like. I don’t want to give her the chance to change her mind again and move on to the next big thing. I’d rather be that thing, and if that means jumping quickly, then so be it.’
‘And if you take the job?’
‘Then I guess at some point I can reclaim all my stuff from storage.’ She smiled.
‘I had a letter about the house yesterday from the estate agents, and I can give the tenants notice now if I want to move back in. It won’t be for another two months, but I can find somewhere in the interim.
Maybe a holiday let or something. I’ll probably have to take out a loan to pay for it, but if I have a job that won’t be so difficult. ’
‘Gemma, you can stay here. You know that. Don’t spend money you don’t need to.’
‘But it’s two months. That’s a long time with me under your feet. And I know Joe is pretty easy-going, but this is his home too.’
Cat ignored her, licking her fingers and exploring the end of her chin, where a blob of tomato sauce was smeared. ‘There is another benefit to all this, of course, although I’m sure you’ve already thought of it.’
Gemma’s eyebrows came together in query as she pulled off a piece of the spicy salami from her pizza and dropped it back in the box. ‘Which is?’
‘Leo,’ said Cat succinctly. ‘You won’t have to deal with him any more. And what was all that in your email this morning about a bunch of flowers? Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.’
Gemma felt a bloom of warmth at the sound of his name, which she knew was in complete contrast to the point Cat was trying to make. She took a hefty swallow of the wine which Cat had poured for her.
‘I don’t think it was,’ she replied tentatively. ‘I’d been dreading Mum’s birthday but, actually, it was okay.’
‘Well I’m glad you celebrated yours. It was one of the first things I thought about when June died – that forever after your birthday would be marred by grief and memories. And we’ve had such great times on your birthday in the past.’
‘We have. You’ve always tried to make them special, and I’ll never forget that.
And I think that’s all Leo was wanting to do – make sure the day didn’t become all about sadness.
It was him who told Willow and Rowan that it was my birthday and they threw a surprise lunch for me, with cake and presents.
It wasn’t as wild as some of the birthdays I’ve had, but it was nice, and it was all down to Leo.
And then in the evening I found his gift, with the forget-me-nots inside, and a message saying that what was loved never truly dies.
I did cry then, obviously, but it reminded me that grief is only ever born out of love, and that’s what the day became about, not that I’d lost her. ’
Cat’s eyes widened. ‘Is that what he said…?’ She was clearly thinking. ‘Maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there, but do you think he might have also meant something else? That he might not have been referring just to your mum?’
The memory of Leo’s kiss was still very fresh in her mind. The softness of his lips and the way his eyes took on a deeper colour as he looked at her, the calming strength of darkest blue. She paused to collect her thoughts.
‘I don’t think I ever realised how hard my dad’s death hit Leo.
Or rather, there’s no “think” about it, I didn’t realise.
Deliberately. I was too busy blaming him and feeling sorry for myself to care about the toll it was taking on him.
But I should have, Cat. My dad meant the world to him and, in turn, he was like the son Dad never had.
Both those things were equally important, vitally important, but I ignored them.
And Leo has carried around the guilt of what happened the day Dad died for years…
years. Even now he’s still haunted by it.
’ She lowered the piece of pizza in her hand to her lap.
‘He had a breakdown not that long ago. Not solely because of Dad, but more because of a relationship which went south, and he hit a downward spiral he couldn’t get off.
Yet it was memories of my dad which pulled him out – the belief that he had in him.
That if Bernie thought he could do it, he had no right to give up.
He decided then that the only way to honour Dad’s memory was to prove him right.
Leo isn’t like he used to be, Cat, but then neither am I. ’
‘But all the times he let you down…’
‘Were also times I let him down. I just could never see it that way.’
Cat was quiet for a moment. ‘So what are you saying?’ she asked eventually. ‘I’ve just told you I think you being here and away from him is a good thing, but it doesn’t sound as if you agree.’
Gemma let out a lengthy sigh. ‘Oh, Cat, I don’t know…
I feel like I never really knew him before.
That I spent most of our married life looking at it from the wrong point of view.
But we were almost children then, it was such a long time ago, and everything has its time.
I’m probably deluding myself that things could ever be different between us, and I’m worried that a part of me only wants it to be because I’ve had a tough year and am desperate for something good in my life for a change.
And if that’s the case, then coming here doesn’t complicate my relationship with Leo at all, it simplifies it. It puts it back where it belongs.’
‘But?’ said Cat gently.
Gemma bit her lip, forcing out the thought she’d tried so hard not to admit. ‘I think I’ve fallen in love with him…’