Chapter 4
Chapter Four
JAXON/JAX
Two & A Half Weeks Before Now
The Morning I Almost Tell Her Everything
There’s a moment before every storm when silence feels safe…until you realize it’s the reason everything breaks.
Livianna motions to a fluffy light blue blanket that’s thrown over a cream lounge chair that’s in the corner of the room. “Will you please bring that to me?”
I nod and retrieve it for her. “What was that about, Livianna?”
“I wasn’t thinking straight.” She drapes the blanket around her shoulders and scoots off the bed. “It was nothing more.”
“Don’t give me that. I know you, so don’t lie to me.”
She slips into the en suite and I follow. She’s not going to circumvent this conversation.
I’m so mad at myself, I’m shaking. I knew Livianna was using that scene to avoid facing her heartbreak, but I figured I’d give her what she wanted. She’d get the release she needed, and then we could make love. That hope is gone.
Not in a million years did I consider she’d take it to those extremes. I thought she was done trying to hurt herself and putting herself at risk.
Fuck! I misjudged that.
“Jax…” She turns to me and gestures to the jar of ointment I have in my hand. “Give me the cream and I’ll put it on.”
“No. I always take care of you after we create a scene like that. That doesn’t change now.” I stare hard into her eyes. “You’re prone to sub drops and probably more so tonight considering everything that’s going on. You need me.”
She rolls her eyes and disappears into the walk-in closet. There’s a dresser in the middle of it with her undergarments and all the different pajamas she likes to sleep in. She slams the drawers, pulling them in and out, likely rummaging around for something.
I won’t chase her when she’s being defiant. It won’t end well if I do. We need to come down together in a loving and respectful way. Not arguing and her pushing me away.
She knows what she did was not only wrong but dangerous as fuck. My heart thunders just thinking about it.
I’m seething inside, knowing I didn’t pick up on the signs. I should’ve checked on her before I did. Especially when I tightened the clamps more than I ever have before.
She needed to get out of her head, and I thought I could accomplish that by pushing her boundaries.
What was I thinking?
“Livianna, I’ll be out on the deck. I need some fresh air. Please meet me out there.”
She comes out of the closet in a flowy cotton tank top and loose booty shorts. “I’ll come with you now.”
“Do you want me to put this on you before we go out there?” I hold out the jar.
“Yes, please.” She walks over to an ottoman-type chair she uses when she’s doing her makeup.
She pulls it out, sits, and lifts her shirt. Her nipples are already bruised and my stomach knots.
I turn my head and run my hand over my mouth. I take a moment to purposely relax. She doesn’t need an irate asshole taking care of her.
“Fuck, Livianna. Those are going to hurt like hell for the next week, if not more.” I gaze into her eyes as I make my way to her. “Applying this is going to—”
“I know. I did it to myself, so just do it.”
“We both missed flags, but it’s my job to protect you.”
“I should’ve said something.”
I dip my chin in acknowledgement. “After I’m done applying this, I’ll get you a cool compress. Remember to breathe.”
“I will.” She shows me a guilt-ridden smile.
“Okay, then get ready.” I kneel before her, open the container, and scoop some out.
I take the next few minutes trying to soothe her as I rub the cream around her entire breast. Bruising can spread and hers definitely will. Knowing this makes my insides cringe.
I try to take my mind off my frustration by focusing on all her great attributes. It’s hard to stay mad when I consider what a wonderful woman she is.
Since I’m touching and staring at her body, that’s what my mind hooks onto. She’s tiny, but she’s got D-cup-size breasts. And they’re real.
Her waist is small, and her ass is nice and round. There’s nothing about her appearance I don’t love.
Shit, there’s nothing about her I don’t love. I could do without her destructive ways, but I have compassion for her.
She only acts out to prove to herself she can get through anything. It’s a great thing to discover about yourself, so I can’t judge her for wanting to persevere.
The problem is I thought she was done behaving like that. What she did tonight has my stomach twisting. Will she return to her old ways once I’m gone?
I go to her lower region, move the loose material to the side, and finish applying the healing salve on her clit. “Turn around and I’ll take care of your cheeks.”
She stands, faces away from me, and pulls her bottoms down. Her ass is bright red, but it’s been redder before, so this is one area I’m not worried about.
I rub the ointment into her skin and complete that part of the aftercare. “It’s breezy outside. You may want to take the blanket with you.”
“I was planning on it.” She meanders back into the closet, then returns with it in her hand. “Will you hold me and let me snuggle with you under this while we talk?”
“Of course.” I stride over and take her in an embrace. “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
She squeezes me tight but doesn’t say anything. After a moment, I lead her out to the back deck.
I have dim lighting around the perimeter but leave it off. “Let’s see if we can find any stars in the sky tonight.”
“Always looking for the bright side.” She sighs. “I admire that in you, Jax.”
We get comfortable on a bed-like lounge chair that’s big enough for both of us. She covers us and snuggles into my chest.
I trail my fingertips over the rose tattoos around her wrists that hide her scars. “Talk to me about why you took your experience to the extreme tonight.”
“It was easier to be in my body than be with my… I thought once my endorphins kicked in, I would feel better.” She takes a few beats. “The truth is, I’m heartsick and don’t want you to go.”
Heaviness settles in my chest and my lungs grow sore. “I won’t be gone forever.”
“I know, but I’ve broken your trust in me, and now I’m afraid that…”
“What?” I give her a squeeze. “What are you worried about?”
“When you come back, you won’t be able to believe in me like you did before.”
“Were you trying to break something between us?” I gaze at her. “Be honest. Were you trying to crack us before the distance could?”
I know there’s a good chance that was her goal, even if she didn’t recognize it at the time. I let her sit in silence with her thoughts while allowing the ocean’s sound to calm the storm in my chest. The waves roll in and crash against the sand in the distance.
“Jax, I don’t know.” She peeks up at me. “I want to say no, but ignoring my limits was more than trying to divert my pain or get an intense high. Something deep inside wanted to hurt you.”
“Considering our situation, that’s understandable. But Livianna, what you did was careless. Not only did your actions put your safety at risk, but it put our relationship on shaky ground.”
I’m sure that stings for me to tell her that, but she needs me to be honest. The more I am, the more she will. She shrinks against me and gazes out toward the beach.
“I’m sorry, Jax. If I could take it back, I would.” She wipes her face with the blanket.
Is she crying?
I give her a nudge. “Hey, look at me.”
She hesitates but then faces me. “I guess I ruined us.”
“No, you didn’t. We’re dealing with difficult circumstances, but that doesn’t mean we’re broken.” I shift to move her off me.
She sits and I cup her cheek in my palm.
I stare deep into her eyes. “We’re going back to bed where I will make love to you. I want you to feel safe in your own skin, and you need to know how deeply I care for you. I’m not leaving here with you thinking our relationship is destroyed.”
We’ll never find our way back if I do.
I don’t tell her that part because she can’t have any doubts about us. If she does, she could sabotage any chance we have of making it back to each other.
I’m in love with her but have never told her because of her father and the danger that surrounds me. We’re friends and he won’t accept our relationship. Also, I don’t want her to feel pressured and put her family ties on the line if she doesn’t feel the same.
Maybe I should tell her how I feel.
No, I won’t do that to her. It’s a desperate attempt to manipulate her into waiting around for me. It’s all I want, but I could be gone for a while. She’s young and needs her freedom. While I’m away, she deserves to live her life without any restrictions.
“Make love to me, Jax. Take me back to our bed and show me how much you care. I promise I won’t do anything to damage us.”
I cradle her in my arms and carry her to our room. We make love slowly and carefully. To prevent any more injury, I stay away from her breast but still give her pleasure in other ways.
I send her messages of love through my warm gaze while staring into her soul. In sync, we come together and I hold her tight. She drifts to sleep as I count the hours before I go.
My heart drops to my stomach and my insides hollow. My nose tingles and my eyes sting. I can’t help but think this is the last time I’ll hold her like this.
I swallow the thought and force myself to focus on my desired result. Us making it through this and getting married. I can only hope I return in time and she’s waiting for me here in the home that means so much to us.
I’m in the kitchen making coffee after a sleepless night. My bags are packed and in the car. All that’s left to do is say goodbye to Livianna. My chest aches and I can’t seem to swallow the lump in my throat.
Livianna shuffles into the room. “Good morning, my king.”
I smile at the sentiment. “Good morning, mon trésor. How did you sleep?”
“Pretty well.” She tightens her robe and winces.
My stomach wrenches down. “How bad are they?”
“Please, Jax. Let’s not do this today. I know how to care for them and they’ll be better soon.”