Chapter 5
Chapter Five
LIVIANNA
One & A Half Weeks Before Now
Black Lace Memories & The Lies I Drink To Forget
His voice doesn’t just haunt me, it rewrites the parts of me I swore were gone.
“Knock, knock.” Quinn opens the screen door of the Malibu beach home and dances into the living room. “I’m ready to get my groove on.”
“Quinn, I love the rocker vibe you’re sporting. My brother will be impressed.” I scan over her faded Daisy Duke jean shorts, black ‘Mayhem Rocks’ half-shirt, and cowboy boots. “You know he has a thing for blondes.”
“Are you trying to set me up with your brother?” She runs her fingers through her long, blonde, wavy hair. “How would you feel if I dated him?”
I slide a black belt from my brand, Lehlani Rose, through the last loop of my jean shorts. The LR monogram clasp secures it in place. “It wouldn’t bother me at all. He means the world to me and you’re all-around fantastic.”
“Then why haven’t you seen him for a while?”
“He’s been touring and I was in Paris before I came back here.” My heart aches with the mention of Paris.
Everywhere I look, reminders of Jax are staring me in the eyes. He texted when he got to Malaysia a week ago, but we have yet to find a time to talk.
Instead, he sends quotes and memes about going after what you want. I respond by telling him how great work is.
We avoid any words related to our feelings or our relationship. I think it’s too hard for either of us.
The emptiness in my chest steals my breath whenever I think about our distance. I shake off any thoughts of him, grab my motorcycle boots off the floor, and sit on the couch to put them on. Quinn places her cross-over purse on the coffee table and peers down at me.
“But why not make time to see Brendan…or do you call him Guns?” She checks out my black Rolling Stones half-shirt that has the signature red lips with the tongue sticking out on the front. “Is it okay that the sister of the lead guitarist of Mayhem is wearing a Stones shirt to his concert?”
“Bren, as I call him, won’t even notice what I have on. Plus, he’s a huge Stones fan. He’s the one who gave me this shirt.”
“How long ago was that?” She disappears into the kitchen. “I’m making us a cocktail.”
“There’s already a batch made in the refrigerator. They’re in two red containers.” I think back to when Bren gave me my shirt. “It was on my eighteenth birthday, so a little over five years ago.”
“And you still have it?”
“Yeah.” I smile at the memory, ignoring the pain associated with my boyfriend at the time. “It was my birthday and Callum took me to get a tattoo—”
“The one on your chest?”
“Yes, that’s the one. Anyway”—I shove my foot into my boot—“Bren went with us. He got bored and went to a store next door. He returned with this shirt and told me I had to keep it as long as I have my tattoo.”
“Interesting and a bit strange that you have to keep it forever.” She comes back into the room with the two tumblers. “What’s in these?”
“Watermelon Basil Vodka and soda water. It’s a refreshing drink and goes down easily, so be careful. We have at least a four-hour drive ahead of us and I made them strong.” I finish putting on my other boot and stand. “Well, Bren said the van should be here soon.”
“I’m so fucking excited.” She sucks on the straw in one of the containers. Her eyes go wide. “Damn, these are strong.”
“I know. I plan on getting trashed today.”
“Woohoo!” She takes another drink. “What’s gotten into you, Livianna? You usually don’t talk like that.”
I can’t tell her I’m depressed because the love of my life walked out on me. She thinks my secret boyfriend is only a man I use when I need a sexual release. I work at least fifty hours a week, so my excuse is conceivable.
“We’re going to see my brother’s band’s headlining act at Coachella. It’s a huge event and we’re going to celebrate.” While I try to forget Jax and the last few years of my life.
It’s easier that way. Once he returns, I’ll let myself feel again. I just hope he still wants me when he gets home.
Quinn does a little dance. “Girl, I like your attitude. I’ve only known you a short time, but I never thought we’d be getting drunk together at eight in the morning.”
“Are you trying to say that I’m no fun?”
“Not at all, but we’ve never partied like this.”
“Yes, we have. You’re forgetting how we met.”
“Oh, yeah. We were so wasted that night at Isabella and Andrew’s wedding.” Quinn laughs. “I’m so glad they’re divorced.”
My stomach flips. Andrew works for Jax. But then again, so does Quinn.
She’s brilliant at what she does. She even helped me when I started investing. And here I am right back to missing Jax. I can’t seem to get away from him.
“Their marriage was short-lived, but I think it’s best they’re not together. Isabella’s a bitch from hell. She tried to take Andrew for everything he’s worth.”
“I didn’t know that. He always seems so positive.” She takes another drink as she hands me the other tumbler.
“Bottoms up.” I take it and toast to her in the air. “Andrew got that from Jax. You know he teaches all his employees and mentees to always focus on the desired result fulfilled. There’s no room for negativity.”
Fuck!
I do not want to be thinking about him. I take a swig of my potent cocktail. It’s best if I start numbing myself now. Otherwise, the tears…
Stop, Livianna!
The buzzer for the gate access goes off. I rush to the panel on the wall and hit the entry button so our transportation can pick us up.
Quinn grabs her bag and gestures to the entryway. “Our chariot awaits.”
“That it does.” I grab my black Fedora meets boho hat, shades, and my red cross-body fringe bag.
It’s another item in my spring collection and one of my personal favorites. I actually built my outfit for today around it.
We leave out the front door moments later. The weather is perfect for a festival—not too hot.
Quinn gasps when she sees the black Mercedes Sprinter in front of the house. “I’m so relieved to see this van is actually a little limo party bus.”
“What did you expect?” I take the driver’s hand as he helps me into the back.
She follows me in with his help. “When you said van, I pictured a beat-up white thing Mayhem traveled in before they hit it big. I don’t know why because I know your brother’s band is huge, but…”
We both start laughing. Once we settle down, our driver shows us how to use the features in our area and points out the minibar stocked with alcohol.
I can’t help but think Bren has an ulterior motive. He always does, but he’s big-hearted and his intentions are always good.
Quinn and I get seated on a cream leather L-shaped bench that surrounds a table. Our driver has the divider closed and the shades on our tinted window are half open. It’s private back here.
I’m comfortable and relaxed. Until Quinn throws out a question I’m not prepared to answer.
She turns to me. “Tell me about you and Cash. I know you dated, but I only know what I read in… Tell me the real story. What happened between you two?”
I stall by taking another long pull from my straw. How do I explain this without going into everything?
I don’t. Our relationship makes no sense when I leave the tiniest detail out of the story. I plan how I want to phrase my words.
Just thinking about Cash, or Callum as I know him, brings up the same feelings I have for Jax. Heartbreak.
They’re entirely different, but I still have an emptiness in my chest when someone brings up either of them. It’s worse with Jax, though.
I thought leaving Callum was hard but watching Jax go was vicious. I spend my nights holding the bedsheets to my nose just so I can sense him around me. During the day, I walk around focused on nothing more than work.
What was Jax going to say to me right before he left? I sigh and force the thought down.
It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s why I stopped him from telling me and sent him on his way. He was still going to Malaysia no matter what words were going to spill from his lips.
Quinn pulls my tumbler down, taking the straw out of my mouth as she does. “I guess it’s fair to say it’s going to be difficult to see Cash today.”
I nod. “The last time I saw him was in Paris over two years ago and it was a nightmare.”
“Start there and we can jump around if it helps.”
I travel back to that night in my mind. It was when I finally let him go and completely released any hope of us getting back together. I shift to get comfortable and relax the stiffness in my neck.
“They were in Paris on tour. I didn’t go to the concert, but I went to see Bren at his hotel afterward. He assured me Callum wouldn’t be there because he was visiting with his mom.” My stomach rolls and a wave of nausea hits.
“His mom lives there?”
“No. She lives here in LA. She’s a model and was in Paris doing a photoshoot.”
“Gotcha, continue.”
“Anyway, Bren and Callum had a two-bedroom suite they were sharing. Since Bren is a huge star, I agreed to meet him in his hotel room so we could have some privacy.”
Quinn smacks her forehead with her palm. “Let me guess. Cash showed up.”
“Yep, and not alone.” Bile rises in my throat. “Imagine two blondes with the biggest boobs you’ve ever seen.”
“Oh, Livianna. What did you do?”
“It was terrible.” I roll my eyes and shake my head. “The second Callum and I saw each other, we were making out.”
“What did the two girls think of that?”
“Nothing. They were taking their clothes off in the entryway. I didn’t even know they were there.”
“Paint a better picture. I’m kind of confused.”
“It was a huge suite. He was alone when he came out of the entryway holding up two bottles of alcohol. He was yelling to Bren that he brought back a surprise when he saw me sitting on the couch. He dropped the bottles and rushed to me.”
“How did you end up kissing?”
“I stood up to leave, but he grabbed me and told me to remember what we had. He said he never stopped loving me. His lips were on mine before I knew what was happening.” I suck in a ragged breath.
She fans herself. “How romantic.”