Chapter 56
KAILIN
"In the air or on the ground, courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of it."
—Commander Ravel Nidar
By the time we reached the mess hall for lunch, my stomach was growling so fiercely that Shovia put her hand over it.
"Shush, you hungry beast. Food is coming."
"I'm going to fill up two plates to make up for this morning," I announced as we joined the queue for the serve-out counter.
Only the first meal here had been served like a feast, courtesy of the amazing kitchen staff that had welcomed us so warmly. The rest of our meals were much simpler affairs.
"I'm so glad that we don't have kitchen duty yet," Shovia said. "So far, it seems that the cadets from the earlier pilgrimages are still assigned to that."
"It's a mercy. Imagine if we had to do that on top of everything else."
Shovia grimaced. "I'm not looking forward to it. I hate doing dishes."
"Is there anyone who likes it?" I held out my plate for the assistant cook to load with mashed root vegetables and some kind of stew.
It looked suspicious, but it smelled good, and I was hungry. "I'm going to find us a place to sit."
Finding a spot in a dining room that could easily accommodate sixty cadets wasn't a challenge.
Would we ever share meals with the second years?
We hadn't seen any of them yet because their quarters and classrooms were on a different level of the Citadel.
Besides, they were probably out in the sky most of the day, training with the dragons.
"Here." Alar put a plate of bread and herb butter on my tray. "You missed this."
"Thank you." I smiled at him. "I didn't see the bread."
We found an empty corner at a table near a window that offered a breathtaking view of the mountains and the auroras beyond. Codric joined us, sitting across from me with a plate piled high. I wondered how he'd managed to carry it without spilling its contents.
"So, what do you all think about the academy?" he asked.
Morek slid next to him with a plate piled nearly as high. "The course load is intense. Commander Langston wasn't kidding when she said we'd barely have time to breathe."
I chewed and swallowed a spoonful of stew. "We should go over the dragon etiquette rule book before we head out. I don't want to offend any dragons and make enemies. If they truly never forget an affront, we need to be super careful with how we act around them."
While the other cadets only needed to worry about what they said, I had to worry about what I thought as well. That was going to be so difficult because my overactive brain kept thinking all those things it shouldn't be thinking.
"Good idea,” Alar said. “I found the tactics class impressive, but I was surprised by how technical and extensive it was for our first lesson. It was a bit overwhelming, and I struggled to absorb all the information. It's definitely a challenging approach to teaching and learning."
I doubted he had a problem with any of the material, and I wondered if feigned modesty was something Elurians did. It certainly wasn't an Elucian custom since feigning anything, even if it was to spare someone else's feelings, was considered dishonest.
"You didn't seem to have any trouble with it," I said. "I was duly impressed."
Alar seemed uncomfortable with my praise. "It's just basic strategy. The sun is always a factor in any tactical consideration. Everyone knows that."
"I didn't," Morek said.
"Me neither." Shovia waved her spoon. "There was nothing 'basic' about that analysis. You sounded like you'd been planning military operations your whole life. Is your father in the military?"
"He and Codric are from the merchant class," Morek said, turning to Alar. "You don't serve in the military, right?"
"Actually, getting at least some military training is more common than you think," Alar said.
"Many choose to get basic training." He smiled.
"The ladies seem to like men who know how to defend them.
Some take to it more than others and decide to stay a little longer.
" He looked at his cousin. "Codric's rate of success with the ladies had gone up so much that he insisted we stay on to complete a more advanced course. "
Alar was obviously teasing Codric, but I couldn't help but think about his own experience with the ladies upon completion of his stint at the Vedona Elite Academy. I was willing to bet that he'd become even more popular than his cousin.
Codric was fun and charming, but Alar's brooding intensity and aura of secrecy were alluring. He was a mystery I was eager to unravel.
"I, for one, am happy to be done with classrooms and move to the fun stuff." Morek tore a big chunk off his bread and smothered it with butter. "Who else is excited about an actual flight practice?"
My stomach twisted, and this time it had nothing to do with hunger or even thoughts about Alar with Elurian ladies.
Flight practice. Talk about terrifying.
During my first flight atop Onyx, I had been still half-drugged from the ceremonial tea and distracted by Ravel's proximity and hearing the dragon talking inside my head.
But now I was sober, and the prospect of being thousands of feet in the air with nothing beneath me but dragon's scales and a whole lot of empty space had my fear of heights flare up with vengeance.
While Shovia, Codric, and Morek launched into an animated discussion about how exciting their flight to the Citadel had been and how they couldn't wait to experience that exhilaration again, I tried to hide my rising panic and keep my expression neutral, but Alar must have noticed.
He leaned closer to me. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah." I stuffed another piece of bread into my mouth and started chewing vigorously.
With my mouth full, I didn't have to elaborate on what I'd meant by yeah.
Alar pushed his plate away. "Tell me about your flight over here. Was it as terrifying as you thought it would be?"
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is this one more attempt to interrogate me about Commander Ravel?"
"Not at all." He raised his hands in a pacifying motion. "I just want to help. We helped each other on the trek, and it was nice."
There was no accusation in his voice and demeanor, no jealousy, just genuine concern. I relaxed, leaning back in my chair.
"It was terrifying at first," I admitted.
"I kept my eyes closed until Commander Ravel convinced me to look.
And then..." I paused, searching for the right words.
"It was still terrifying, but I managed my fear.
" I chuckled. "Not to the point that I actually enjoyed the view, but I didn't barf all over Onyx, so I could count it as an achievement, but I think that the ceremonial tea was still affecting me, so it might have been the reason I wasn't as panicked as I would have been. "
"Everything considered, it's still a great achievement. You were very brave."
I made a face. "I appreciate the pep talk, but let's not get carried away. Managing not to throw up is not bravery."
"Fear is natural, but if you fight it and don't let it control you, that's a win." Alar leaned so close to me that our noses were almost touching. "You like to win, don't you, Kailin?"
"Who doesn't?"
Leaning away, he shrugged. "Not everyone is motivated by winning. Codric just wants to be loved." He glanced at his cousin with fondness in his eyes. "I guess every one of us is trying to get what we were missing as kids. Codric missed love, and I missed winning."
I frowned at him. "You are a super competitive guy, and I can't imagine you ever losing."
He laughed. "I have four older brothers. I always lost until I didn't."
Well, that explained a lot. It also made it clear how little I knew about Alar. I'd never asked him about his family, sensing that he was reluctant to talk about them.
His volunteering the information was precious.
I put a hand on Alar's arm like Vessa had done last night. "I've always imagined you as either an only child or the eldest."
"Why?"
"You have a commanding presence. Usually, firstborns are like that." I smiled. "Bossy know-it-alls."
"I'm neither of those things." He sounded offended.
I leaned closer to him. "They weren't meant as insults. I like that about you. I also like how serious and committed you are. You are not the type of guy who does anything half-heartedly. You are either all in or all out."
A cloud passed over his eyes. "Most girls prefer someone like Codric, who can make them laugh and sing them lurid ballads. He's fun. I'm not."
I arched an eyebrow. "Are you trying to sell me on your cousin? Because I'm not in the market for a new guy. I've already found the one I want."
Alar looked so stunned that it was almost comical. "Are you referring to me?"
"Who else?" I lifted my hand. "And don't say Commander Ravel because I might get physical."
It was the oddest thing for me to say such things in the middle of the mess hall with our friends sitting nearby, but I felt as if we were in our own private space that only the two of us were sharing, and no one else could hear our conversation.
I cast a quick glance at Shovia, but she seemed to be absorbed in describing the stunts Dylon had shown her on the way to the citadel.
"You always beat me to it," Alar murmured.
I frowned. "Beat you to what?"
"I wanted to show you how much I care about you, but you did it first and better than I ever could. You win."
I wanted to say that it wasn't a competition, but I had a feeling that for Alar, everything was defined in terms of winning or losing.
Well, that wasn't entirely true. He'd kept me company this morning instead of rushing to the top to win first place, which reminded me of what seemed like a miraculous cure from altitude sickness.
"By the way, are you still taking that potion that Lysara gave you?"
He shook his head. "I don't need it anymore. My body has finally adapted to the altitude."
"I'm glad." I took his hand and squeezed it. "I was afraid it would be an impediment to your ambitions."
"Thank you for caring." He squeezed my hand back, holding on to it. "It means a lot to me. Now I can dedicate myself to helping you overcome your difficulty."
The warmth in his eyes radiated so much emotion that suddenly the noise of the mess hall seemed to fade away.
The clattering of utensils, the din of conversations, even Shovia's loud laughter at something Codric had said, all receded until it felt like the two of us existed in a private, quiet bubble, and I had the sudden, overwhelming urge to lean forward, close the distance between us, and press my lips against his.
"No way!" Shovia's raucous laughter burst through our invisible bubble, shattering the moment and bringing the noise of the mess hall crashing back around us.
I blinked, disoriented by the sudden return to reality.
What had just transpired reminded me of the strange private bubble the shaman had created when he'd revealed my destiny during the ceremony at the Circle of Fate.
That unnatural silence had felt similar to what I'd just experienced with Alar, making me wonder if I was manifesting yet another shamanic ability.
No, that couldn't be. I'd imagined the bubble of silence then, and I'd imagined it now. Or had I?
"The bubble of silence the shaman created," I said, the words tumbling out. "During the ceremony at the Circle of Fate. Do you think it was real or just the tea making us imagine it?"
Alar seemed momentarily thrown by the abrupt change of subject, but he recovered quickly. "It felt very real to me."
"What did the shaman tell you?" I asked, realizing he'd never told me.
With all the commotion of being chosen, the dragon flight, and our arrival at the academy, I'd forgotten to ask.
I hadn't even asked Shovia, and she hadn't asked me, which was not like her. Maybe we weren't meant to share our fates with each other.
A guarded expression fell over Alar's features. "That's a secret between me and the shaman."
"A secret?" I echoed. "Is that your retaliation on account of me keeping secrets with Commander Ravel?"
"I would never be so petty," he said, though the slight quirk at the corner of his mouth suggested he wasn't entirely serious. Then his expression sobered. "It's just that what the shaman told me is deeply personal and shouldn't be shared."
I felt a flicker of hurt, but I understood. The things that Saphir had told me seemed so vague right now that I wasn't sure I could even repeat them.
"That's okay." I sighed. "I guess a little bit of mystery makes it more interesting. Although in my case, it's just a little, and in your case, it's a lot."
Also, my secrecy was imposed upon me—his was a choice.
"You two should stop blabbering and finish eating." Shovia gestured to our nearly full plates. "You don't want to be light-headed from hunger when you're hundreds of feet in the air."
The reminder sent another jolt of anxiety through me, but I nodded and returned my attention to my meal, and Alar to his.
As I worked my way through the stew, I stole glances at Alar, wondering what the shaman could have told him that was so personal he couldn't share it. What secrets did he carry behind those thoughtful eyes? And why did it bother me so much that he was keeping them from me?
Was it because I already had enough secrets of my own to manage? The ability to communicate with dragons—a gift that marked me as a potential shaman—was a heavy burden, and I couldn't share any of it with the people I cared about most.
"You've gone quiet," Alar observed, breaking into my thoughts. "Nervous?"
I nodded. "The thought of getting back on a dragon... I'm not sure I'm ready."
"You'll be fine," he assured me. "It's going to be like the flight over here. We will be sitting behind or in front of our instructors, and they will be in full control. We just need to sit back and enjoy the ride."
"You make it sound so simple."
"Because it is. You just have to trust the dragon and the rider."
"I do." I trusted Onyx and I trusted Commander Ravel, but my fear wasn't rational, and I had very little control over it.