Chapter 6
LIV
“Done,” Hailey announces to me as she flings herself onto the bed in her new room.
She’s beaming and looking super relaxed, arms and legs thrown wide like a starfish.
Personally, I wouldn’t describe her room as done. There are still two bins haphazardly stacked beside the desk, and most of her clothing is beside her, wrapped in a sheet just like it was when she carried it over here.
But all her stuff is loaded in, and she’s got a ton of photos and mementos affixed to the walls—that was her first order of business.
The room is a testament to Hailey’s life. She’s always been creative, with about a million wild ideas of what she wants to do next. In the time I’ve known her, she has reinvented herself again and again, starting multiple bands and businesses. She even took six months to travel Europe.
The one constant is her violin. Though everything else in here looks like it was haphazardly tossed into place, her violin case is at the center of the otherwise empty surface of her desk.
The photo of her at eight years old, performing in a concert, is the only framed image—most likely because her parents framed it. They love their daughter, but I think it’s hard for them to understand why she isn’t playing professionally somewhere.
Hailey told me once, that as soon as her gift became apparent, her family put all their resources toward helping her become the best violinist she could be. And the Morgans’ resources are… well, substantial. They did the same for Van, sending him to the best hockey camps and supporting his passion.
Van stuck with hockey, but Hailey has a more adventurous spirit.
I think she’ll always come back to her violin, but sometimes that can mean moonlighting in a bluegrass band at one of the little hole-in-the-wall bars two towns over, or making a couple of videos to post online, not auditioning for the Philadelphia Orchestra.
“This is nice,” Hailey says with satisfaction as she stares at the ceiling. “Look at that light fixture. Incredible.”
The small chandelier is old and cool, like everything else in this house, but I wouldn’t have seen it as incredible without her making me stop and really look at it.
I hadn’t even noticed before that the little globes have flowers and vines etched into the glass, like something out of the Benedict Cumberbatch Sherlock show.
I can’t help smiling as I nod. It’s going to be good to have Hailey around. Her energy is infectious.
“What’s on the docket for today?” Hailey asks, sitting up.
“Well, I was going to maybe do a little baking,” I tell her. “Daisy wanted to help, so I might go see if they’re around.”
“Oh, are you playing house with Caleb Stone now?” Hailey asks, waggling her eyebrow suggestively.
“Nah,” I say, turning away and looking desperately for anything to busy myself with. But since this isn’t my room, I don’t have many options.
I grab the photo of her with the violin and pretend to study it.
“Liv,” Hailey says with a note of concern. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I tell her.
“Listen,” she says. “I know you’ve had some bad experiences. But there’s nothing wrong with having a new guy in your life.”
“He’s not,” I hear myself say.
“Listen, Liv,” she laughs. “You can be in denial about your feelings all you want, but face it, he’s in your life.”
“He’s not new,” I admit.
“Oh, really?” she says, looking like she’s certain I’m about to drop the most wonderful, juicy gossip.
I’m glad Hailey always thinks the best of and for me. But I guess if she’s living here and he’s living there… well, I’ve got to tell her the truth.
“Remember how I told you I had a hard time in high school?” I ask her, lowering myself to the bed beside her.
“Sure,” she says. “There was that awful girl, right?”
“Angel Covington,” I say, nodding. “She made my life a nightmare.”
“I’m so sorry, Liv,” Hailey says, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to hug me close. “I wish I’d been there. I would have kicked her butt.”
Hailey probably would have. Or maybe Hailey would have been so popular herself that Angel wouldn’t have had the power to torment me. I’ll never know.
“Anyway, Caleb was her boyfriend,” I say. “He was two years ahead of me, but he was there my freshman and sophomore years.”
Those two years were the worst. I’d had a handful of decent friends in middle school, but everything changed in high school. Adjusting to my new reality was painful.
Hailey gets a look on her face like she just found a cockroach in her cupcake.
“Wait. He called you that name?” she asks, her body stiffening. “And you’re inviting him up here for cupcakes?”
“It’s… complicated,” I say with a sigh. “First off, no, he was never the one who actually called me that. But he stood there looking bored while Angel and her crew did their worst.”
“Same thing,” Hailey says decisively.
“And then there’s the fact that I don’t think he knows who I am,” I add.
She blinks at me for a second, obviously trying to get her mind around the idea that’s been troubling me too.
“But… he knows your name,” she says at last.
“Well, he only really knew me in the hallways as Twiggy the Piggy,” I say. “We never had any classes together or anything. And even if he’d heard my actual name a time or two, I went by Olivia back then.”
“Not that this is important,” Hailey says carefully. “But you do look a little different now, right?”
I’ve told her before how awkward I was in high school, with my braces and skin troubles.
I was still pretty heavy when Hailey and I met and became besties.
I’ve only lost weight over these last couple of years, so she’s seen that change for herself.
But if I showed her a picture of me in high school, I wouldn’t be totally surprised if she didn’t recognize me.
Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror now.
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I look very different now.”
I wish I could tell her how much her friendship has changed me, made me feel like I was a person worth spending time with.
I credit her with my decision to eat healthier and exercise too, and the way I’ve stuck to it.
A doctor saying you should lose weight isn’t enough when food is all you have.
But that blood sugar reading a few years ago finally meant something when I finally had the kind of life I really didn’t want to lose.
But if I start with all that I’ll be crying. And what Hailey wants is to understand what’s going on with Caleb and me.
The trouble is, I’m not sure myself.
“He stood by and let you get bullied,” Hailey says quietly. “Why haven’t you told him who you are? Why haven’t you told him off?”
“You know, I thought about it when I first saw him at the diner the other night,” I admit.
“I marched right over there with a few choice words all ready to go. But then when I got right in front of him and that adorable little girl, all the wind just went right out of my sails. I guess it’s not really my style. ”
“Well then, can I?” she says fiercely.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I don’t doubt that she would, and I love her for that. But it’s not what I want.
“He’s got his hands full now,” I tell her. “And I think he’s changed. A lot.”
“How?” she asks.
“I’ve seen him with Daisy,” I tell her. “He pays attention now. He cares. And he’s patient and kind. He was just a kid back then. We all do dumb stuff when we’re teenagers, right?”
But those last words ring hollow to me. I guess a small part of myself is still skulking down those hallways, praying to be invisible. Part of me will always be there.
“But you still don’t trust him,” Hailey guesses correctly.
“Yeah,” I agree. “Exactly.”
“Well, it’s too bad,” she says. “Because he looks at you like you’re a popsicle on a hot summer day.”
“No, he doesn’t,” I laugh.
“Yes, he definitely does,” she says. “You could use it against him, you know? Lure him in and then hit him with your backstory?”
“You’re bananas,” I tell her, but I’m smiling.
I wait for her to insist on some big confrontation, but Hailey knows me better than that.
“Let’s have some ice cream,” she says instead.
“I’ll make us shakes,” I agree. “While you put your clothes away.”
“Okay, Mom,” she teases me. But she’s smiling too, so I know she’s just playing around.
I head into the kitchen and get out some ice cream, milk, ice cubes, and fruit.
I’ll make Hailey a shake with ice cream and fruit and a nice fruit smoothie for myself.
It used to be really tough for me to stick to my meal plan.
But I finally agreed to try the weekly injections my doctor kept suggesting, and it’s definitely a lot easier now.
It’s not that I don’t still crave junk food like everyone else, but now I’m at least able to ignore the cravings enough to focus on other things, and I get full a little faster when I do eat.
I sometimes wonder if this is how everyone else has felt about eating all along—like it’s nice, but there’s not a constant voice screaming about food in the back of their minds all day.
At any rate, Hailey and our friend Tessa are both really supportive. Though they do think it’s hilarious that I still make so many baked goods even though I don’t really eat them anymore. But baking was always a creative outlet for me and it still is.
I gaze out the window as I finish up with our treats.
It’s raining lightly outside, which brightens the colors of falling leaves and the lush grass of the lawn.
A bonus of being up a floor higher is that now I can see the rose gardens in the valley below the boxwood labyrinth.
It’s a pretty amazing view, the kind I didn’t even know we had in Bluevale.
I sigh out another breath as I head back to Hailey’s room with a big cup in each hand.
It hurts to think too much about high school, even now. Somehow, my heart is still bruised.
But when I look at my life today, I can’t feel anything but grateful. I have friends, a job I enjoy, a hobby I love, and a beautiful home. It’s okay to leave the past in the past and focus on the present.
And I’m not going to give Caleb Stone the power to take my peace by confronting him with who I used to be.
Even if it means I can’t ever really be his friend.