Chapter 36 Clover
Clover
I held on to the rings on purpose. Julian didn’t question me when I handed him Bennett’s other things. I knew that if I gave them both back to him, that would be it.
When I got home that morning, I slept for a few hours wearing my ring as well as his on my thumb.
That afternoon, Daisy dropped me off in Cannon Beach at my mom’s house on her way to the Portland Airport, and the house was so much quieter after living in a dorm for the last three and a half months.
It was even more unsettling than having the dorm room to myself.
When my mom got home, she recruited me to help her clean out her closets—a project she’d started weeks ago and had abandoned. Mom had the next day off, so we stayed up until the job was done and then the next morning, we woke up and attacked another closet. It was therapeutic in a way.
Mom worked on Thanksgiving and after her shift, we grabbed dinner at the Driftwood Diner.
I was glad to see that Marianne had the day off.
We went home and Mom went to bed while I fell asleep on the couch watching a surprisingly sexy Christmas movie about a young Santa finding his Mrs. Claus.
I spent the day wondering what Bennett was doing and thinking that most married couples probably don’t spend their first holiday apart.
I was happy for the time with my mom, but every night that week, I found myself reaching out for a warm body that wasn’t there.
Mom drives me back to campus early on Sunday morning. The rain follows us along the coastal highway, and without any more closets to clean out, the low humming thoughts I’ve had all week long are pushed to the forefront of my mind.
“Mom?”
“Hmmm?”
“What if—do you think you and Sydney could ever be friends again?”
She ponders that for so long that I wonder if she heard me.
“I didn’t think so for a long time,” she finally says.
“I still don’t know. But we were soulmates in that way that friends can be.
” Her grip on the steering wheel tightens for a moment.
“But it’s hard when money is involved. We were best friends, but I was also her employee. You know what I mean, Clo?”
I nod, and suddenly I’m second-guessing myself. I’ve been inching closer and closer to the realization that I want to be Bennett’s wife and that maybe it doesn’t matter how something starts, only how it grows. But the money of it all. It’s a burden that he will never understand the weight of.
“It’s a power dynamic. And it’s one that she abused when she fired me. But then … if someone had called you that. A predator … or something just as insidious. Wouldn’t I have done the same thing to them if I had the ability to?”
We listen to music for the rest of the ride and as we pass the welcome sign for Wexley, I say, “I love Bennett.”
“I know,” she says softly.
Tension I didn’t know I was holding on to unwinds as I exhale and sink back into my seat. Of course she knows. “I don’t know why, but staying married to him feels like cheating. Like—like I tricked him into this.”
She snorts, shaking her head. “I have watched that boy fall in love with you for the last ten years, baby. I don’t think he cares how you two got here. Just that you did.”
The car slows as she pulls up to the parking lot behind Haystack Hall.
“And if you’re concerned about me and Syd, we are two grown women. We will be just fine.”
“So, you wouldn’t be disappointed if—oh my god, I can’t believe I’m saying this—if we stayed married?” How is it that I feel suddenly thrust into adulthood and still so concerned with my mother’s approval? Will it always be that way?
She turns to me, smoothing a hand along my hair. “The list of things you could do to disappoint me is microscopic. Taking a chance on love? A love that’s built on forgiveness? I’m proud of you for that, and honestly, I’m taking notes. Syd and I both should.”
I practically vault myself over the center console to give her a hug.
When I text Bennett to ask him to come over, he responds and says he can’t be here until this evening.
I play it cool and tell him that will work, but I have about ten hours to burn until then.
I clean and organize the room. I study for finals for as long as my brain will allow me. I spend time in the pottery workshop, adding the last glaze to the paperweight I made for my final—a very blob-like octopus.
After I pace in her and Briar’s room for a solid hour, Daisy suggests I take an everything shower, and she even stocks me up on some of her pricier scrubs, hair masks, and skincare.
In the thirty minutes leading up to six o’clock, I panic.
I’m doing this all wrong. Bennett deserves a grand gesture. Something public and romantic. Not a quiet night in our little dorm room with its warped floorboards and peeling paint.
With three minutes to go, there’s a knock at the door.
He’s early.
I count to ten before opening the door so it’s not completely obvious I’ve been standing here, hovering and waiting. “Hi.”
For a moment, he says nothing. He wears black jeans and a black T-shirt under a baggy charcoal sweater. His face is scruffier than normal, and his left eye has a shadow of a black eye. His collar reveals just the edge of a fading bruise.
“Thanks for coming,” I say simply to break the silence.
He takes a deep breath and nods to himself, like he needs the self-assurance. His eyes look everywhere except at me.
My stomach clenches into a fist. This doesn’t feel like the reunion I was hoping for. Not at all.
“Hey. I’m glad you texted. And um, thank you again for coming up to the hospital last week. I know it—”
“Of course.”
He hands me a manila envelope that I hadn’t realized he was holding until just now.
I take it hesitantly and begin to pull the papers out when I see a header that reads: The Law Offices of Bailey & Parsons.
I’ve never had a punctured lung, but I wonder if this is what it feels like. Almost as if air is leaking from your body at a rapid rate, but you’re not able to replace it with oxygen. Slowly, I look up and finally—finally—he is looking right at me.
His face is colorless, and I realize he’s given me just what I asked for.
“They’re signed,” he says quietly, taking a step closer as a cluster of boisterous students pass behind him. “So you can look them over if you want. I can send them in or you can if you’d rather do it for yourself.”
I’m shaking my head and the only word I can manage is: “Why?”
“Why am I divorcing you?” He swallows, his Adam’s apple working.
“Because there isn’t anything I wouldn’t give you.
I meant what I said. I love you, Clover.
It fucking hurts.” He pushes a hand through his overgrown hair.
“Shit. It terrifies me to think of a life without you. The only thing that scares me more is making you stay and never knowing if it’s because you wanted to or because you felt you had to. ”
He pauses to give me a moment to form a response, but I’m just—I’m gutted. But I’m touched too. It’s tragic, really.
He did this for me. He gave me what I thought we needed even if it was the last thing he wanted.
“That’s why I couldn’t get here sooner. I had to wait for the paperwork to come in and I know you don’t care about the money, but there’s—just please.
Let me have this one thing, okay? Let me know that you’re going to get through school without having to work two jobs and constantly stress about the next bill. I need—”
“Come in,” I blurt. “Please just come inside.”
I stand back and hold the door open for him and he sees my not-so-grand gesture. No, it’s quiet and it’s private and it’s just for us.
“What is this?” He looks from me to the couple of candles burning on his side table that I brought from home.
I spread a fleece blanket out across our bed and there on a paper plate are two grilled cheese sandwiches on a tray I borrowed from Briar that I am almost positive she stole from the dining hall.
Beside it is a small jar with a handful of flowers I yanked out of the landscaped flowerbed next to the Haystack Hall sign.
“Don’t laugh, okay?” I toss the folder on the bed and then take the rings out of my pocket before falling to one knee. When I look up to him, a nervous laugh bubbles up. “God, you’re even taller from down here.”
His eyes are wide as he sinks to his knees in front of me.
“What are you doing? No! This is my grand gesture.”
Bennett cradles my face in his hands and pulls me to him so we’re just a few breaths apart.
“Will you marry me, Bennett Andrew Graves?” I ask for the second time in my life. “Well, really, stay married to me. Will you stay married to me?”
“No open flames!” a voice barks from the hallway.
We both turn to catch Dylan as he walks past.
“If I see those candles again, I will confiscate them,” he says in an almost delighted voice.
“That guy is the worst,” Bennett says.
“I heard that,” Dylan yells.
Briar follows just behind him. “Leave the lovebirds alone, narc,” she snaps before slamming our door shut.
“Thank you!” I call before turning back to Bennett, his hands still on my face and stroking my cheek now.
“Bennett, I love you. I want to shred these divorce papers into a million pieces and spread them across the state of Oregon so they can never be pieced back together again. So, what do you say?”
“This isn’t what you actually want, though.
” His gaze roves over my face, searching for answers.
“I have faith,” he says urgently. “I have faith that we can find ourselves here again. I love you, Clover. I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life.
After you and your mom left, all I wanted was to forget you.
Every memory of you was a fresh pain, and even when I found ways to dull the ache, it never went away.
You never went away. And that’s how I know that for me, it will always be you, so I can wait.
I can wait to see if you feel the same.”
I sniff, but it does nothing to stop the tears once they start to spill.
With my hands balled into fists, I pound against his chest. “You stupid, gorgeous jerk! I’m going to have to start writing down rules again.
No grand gesture stealing! This was supposed to be my big moment to tell you how much I love you, but now you’ve made me cry and I can’t beat that. ”
His pupils flare with excitement and he steals a quick kiss from me. “Try.”
“Fine. You’re the worst and I love you, okay?
I love that you always rub my forehead when I’m worried and that you have a smart mouth and that you do nice things but only when you think they’re in secret.
And when I think about waking up and not being your wife, I feel completely empty like someone has gone and cut out all the most important parts of me.
And that part of me is louder than the voice in my head that says we’re too young or that we got here for all the wrong reasons.
Because we’re here. We’re here, Ben. And I don’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else.
I don’t want to let us go just because we did this all backward. ”
I’m rambling now. Bennett said all the right words, and I’m rambling.
But I mean it. I mean it all. “I want to eat black-market grilled cheese with you and watch movies on our projector, and I want to have a song. We need a song. Couples have songs. When I get dressed every morning, I want to count the hours until you’re undressing me.
I want to carve our names into this bed.
I want to decorate a Christmas tree with you because it makes me so sad to think that we might not.
I want to kiss you on New Year’s Eve and I want to buy each other stupid things on Valentine’s Day and I want to fight with you over chores and stealing blankets and—”
“We can do that. We can do all that,” he whispers. “I’ll buy you a Christmas tree pretty enough to be in a Hallmark movie.”
“I don’t care how fucking pretty the tree is, you snob.”
“I’m not a snob,” he retorts.
“Oh, really?”
He grins. “Maybe a little bit of a snob.”
“Are you really going to leave me hanging?” I ask him.
His hands drop away from my face and he takes my ring from me.
With great care, he holds my left hand and presses my palm to his lips.
He leaves a kiss there and then one on the tips of each of my fingers.
“You’re sure?” he asks, the ring hovering above my finger.
“I’ll love you all the same no matter what answer you give. ”
“Bennett, if you don’t put that ring—”
He steals another kiss as he slides the ring on.
I moan against his mouth and his hand immediately moves to the back of my head to deepen our kiss, but I pull back only for him to growl in return.
“Let me at least get this ring on you,” I tell him.
“These are my vows to you: We’ve spent all our lives growing together.
Becoming new versions of ourselves. But if I have to figure out this life thing and get over the miserable fucking pain of being exposed and vulnerable, then I don’t want to do it alone.
I want to do it with you. I pick you, Bennett. I pick you every time.”
His smile is broad as he holds his hand out to me.
I press his palm to my chest right above my heart, and even though our anniversary will always be a humid day in August, today, I decide, is when we really begin.
Then, because I have been frustratingly horny for weeks and because this wedding is in the privacy of our dorm room—our home—I pull his finger into my mouth, my tongue running along the length and the metallic taste of his ring lingering.
“Fuck,” he whispers, eyes wide and hungry.
In an act of lewdness, I suck on his finger as I pull it out of my mouth, his ring right where it’s supposed to be.
I bring his hand to my cheek again and nuzzle into the warmth. “With this ring, I thee wed.”
His eyes are hazy and love drunk. “I do. Till death do us part. To have and to hold. All of it,” he says. “All of it. Forever.”
“All of it forever,” I repeat back to him.
“So … we never did get a honeymoon,” he says.
“Finals first,” I tell him. “Honeymoon second.”
His hand skims the hem of my T-shirt, and my body responds immediately with goose bumps. “Well, we should probably study. For the honeymoon, obviously.”
“It’s the responsible thing to do.” I inch closer to him so that my lips skim against his with every word. “We might even have to pull an all-nighter.”