Chapter 19
— chapter nineteen
Midmorning on Tuesday, after Leanna had already gone to the henhouse, read her devotional, and taken Bumble for a short walk, there was a knock on her front door. She was delighted to see Jeremy but very surprised.
“Jeremy, what brings you over?” she asked as she ushered him inside. “Do you need something?”
“Not really.” Looking a little pensive, he added, “Look, I know you and Daed aren’t really seeing each other anymore, but I was hoping that maybe we could still be friends.”
“You don’t even need to ask. Of course we can.”
“Danke.” Looking relieved, he toed off boots that had damp grass clinging to them.
Just as she was about to ask if he wanted something to drink, Bumble hurried over to him with a series of excited yips.
“Hiya, pup.” He knelt to greet him.
“Ah, now I understand. You came over for my hund,” she teased.
Looking up from his crouch on the floor, he grinned. “Maybe. He’s really cute.”
“That he is.” When Bumble grabbed hold of Jeremy’s pants and gave them a fierce tug, Leanna giggled. “I think the pup is mighty happy to see you too. You are welcome to come play with him as much as you want.”
Moving over to the puppy’s toy basket, Jeremy grabbed the end of a thick rope. Soon he and Bumble were playing tug-of-war. “He’s getting strong!”
“He is. He’s also getting into everything,” she joked. “He’s ruined the hem of one of my dresses and gnawed on the coffee table. Maybe you should stop by more often.”
“I’ll be happy to,” he said with a laugh.
Sitting down on the rocking chair nearby, she said, “Tell me what you’ve been doing, Jeremy. Working a bunch?”
“Some. I have to work this afternoon and evening at the furniture store.”
“Do you like your job?”
He shrugged. “I like it okay, and Mr. Henderson is a gut boss.”
“But . . .”
Looking relieved that she seemed to understand, he added, “But . . . selling furniture ain’t something I want to do for the rest of my life, you know?”
Uncomfortably aware of how she had been thinking about her long-term future as well, she nodded. “It’s hard to guess what the Lord has in store for us.”
“Jah, especially when I’m not even sure what I want.”
“Are we talking about work or other things too?”
“Other things,” he said with a sheepish grin. “Sometimes I think I want to be English like Russell. Other times, I can’t imagine being anything but Amish. Especially since mei bruder Trip is glad that he stayed Amish.”
“And then you have Kurt.”
“Jah. He and Katherine have found their place in the Mennonite church.” Still petting Bumble softly, he added, “I still don’t know if I’m going to get baptized, Leanna.”
“You are only seventeen. I know of women who didn’t get baptized until they were twenty-two. You have time.”
“It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I need to make a choice sooner than later.”
“I’m sorry you are struggling. Is it because of that girl you’re seeing? Her name is Becca, yes?”
“Yes. And I don’t know . . . maybe?”
She knew she was out of her element but couldn’t resist digging a little deeper. “I guess that means she is important to you.”
Jeremy nodded. “She is. I like her a lot, Leanna. And guess what?”
The boy really was cute. She bit her lip to stop her smile. “What?”
“She came over last Sunday, and she and I ended up playing Clue with my daed and Kurt.”
It took Leanna a minute to realize what he was talking about. “The board game?”
“Uh-huh.” He grinned. “It was fun. I wish you’d have been there too.”
That pinched because there was a part of her that wished she had. Hoping to cover up her dismay, she joked, “Why? Just to see me make a fool of myself as Mrs. Peacock?”
“Nee, you would’ve been just fine. I think you would’ve had fun. Becca would like you.”
“That is kind of you to say.”
“It’s the truth, Leanna.”
“Well, since we decided to stay friends and all, maybe one day you can bring her when you come over to see Bumble.”
“I could do that. Or maybe one day you and mei daed will patch things up so you’ll be over at the house when we decide to play.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.” She opened her mouth to say more, but then shut it quickly. There wasn’t much more she could say.
“I know,” he said quickly. “I get it. It’s none of my business.”
Jeremy wasn’t looking at her. Instead, he was carefully petting Bumble, who’d gotten tired and was about to fall asleep.
“I didn’t say what’s been happening between your father and me is none of your business. Things that happen to your daed affect you too.”
He lifted his head. “Does that mean there’s still a chance for you two?”
“Your father is a good man. A kind man. But he and I are in different places right now.”
“Huh.”
She bit her lip so she wouldn’t be tempted to apologize again.
Jeremy didn’t say much after that. He shook his head when she tried to give him a sandwich or some cheese and crackers.
Eventually, after it was obvious that he’d needed a safe place to vent his worries without being lectured, Leanna went into the kitchen and worked on the loaf of bread that she’d set out to rise. While he sat with Bumble, she punched down the dough and then arranged it into a loaf pan.
After another twenty minutes or so, he peeked into the kitchen and said he was leaving.
“I’m glad you came over, Jeremy.”
“Me too.”
“If it means anything . . . I think you should not only talk about your choices with your father but with Becca too,” she said as she walked him to the door.
“She’s going to want me to be English, Leanna.”
“I imagine she will. But more than that, I think she’s going to want you to be happy.”
As her words registered, something new seemed to enter his expression. Maybe it was hope?
Whatever it was, he hugged her goodbye before he strode out of her house.
She stood at the window and watched him until he was out of sight.
Bumble padded to her side and whined.
“Jah, I liked having him here too, hund.” Bending down, she cuddled the puppy close and tried to pretend that the only one she missed was Jeremy. But it was no use.
She missed Evan, and she had no idea how she was going to fill the gap that was now in her heart.
Because she’d pushed him away.
Later, at the widows club meeting, Leanna was still thinking about Jeremy’s visit.
While Doreen was reviewing the minutes from the last meeting, Leanna thought about the game night at Evan’s house.
If she hadn’t pushed him away, she might have been there too.
She would have been sitting by Evan’s side while he played chaperone to Jeremy and his girlfriend.
She could have been part of the group. Could’ve gotten to know Becca.
Commiserated with Evan. Instead, she’d been alone.
By the time Doreen gave an update about the retreat, Leanna forced herself to admit that it wasn’t just a game night she’d been missing.
It was Evan.
She liked him a lot and wasn’t sure what to do about that.
She’d been sure that she was no longer capable of feeling desirable. She’d even gone so far as to believe that thoughts about romance were only for fairy tales and teenage girls.
Or, perhaps, for other women.
Not her.
But maybe the problem hadn’t been her but her marriage.
Because there were many things about Evan Keim that she found attractive.
He was handsome and kind . . . and even had a voice that was mesmerizing.
It was scratchy and deep, a little rough.
She believed that she could listen to him talk for hours and never get bored.
She missed it. She missed a lot of things about him.
So, what was she going to do about that? Ugh, she needed to get a grip on herself!
“Leanna, are you all right?” Charlotte whispered from her left.
“Of course. Why?”
“You’ve been staring off into space for the last five minutes.”
“Jah. I guess I have.” She shook her head, like she was trying to clear it. “I guess I’m a little sleepy tonight. My new puppy was up a lot last night.” She hated telling the fib, but no way did she want to admit that she’d been ignoring the speaker because she was thinking about Evan Keim.
“Ack. Puppies. I don’t envy you. They’re a lot of work.”
“That is true. They are. He is worth it, though.”
“Better you than me. The last thing I’d want at this time in my life is someone or something else to take care of.”
Leanna smiled at her comment, but the words hit her hard.
Charlotte was at least ten years older and had two grown children who lived in Berlin.
That was the difference, she supposed. Since she’d never been blessed with children, she’d never had the opportunity to take care of other people.
That was likely why she was enjoying Bumble so much.
But was it really too late to have a child?
She looked around the room, searching for an answer.
This time, the meeting was taking place in the renovated barn of one of the Mennonite members. It looked like a place right out of a magazine, it was so fancy. There were long tables and chairs set up for the evening’s meeting. On the other side was a kitchen and living area.
Different people were getting snacks and coffee. Meanwhile Patricia, the owner of the barn, was calling groups of them up to drop off towels and washcloths, everyone’s goodwill offering for the month.
When their table was called, Charlotte drifted toward a pair of women from her church district as Patricia came to her side. “Leanna, those towels are lovely.”
“Danke.” Leanna picked up the towels and washcloths and walked with Patricia toward the donation table.
“I know you are still relatively new here. Have you met the women sitting on the couch? I think they’ve been in Pinecraft for the last month.”
“I don’t believe I know them.”
“Well, let me introduce you, then. It’s nice to know a variety of people, I think,” Patricia added with a smile.
“I agree.”
“Gut. Well, this is Sally. Sally, this is Leanna.”
“Hi,” Leanna said.
“It’s gut to meet ya, Leanna.” Lowering her voice she said, “Don’t pass up those cupcakes. They’re really gut.”
After dropping off her donations, Leanna picked out a sour cream cupcake, poured herself half a cup of decaf, and then returned to join Sally and the other woman who’d joined her on the couch.
Though they weren’t from her church district, she already felt comfortable sitting with them, thanks to Sally.
They both scooted to make room for her. “I’m glad you came back,” Sally said. “I need your support. Mary Beth here is complaining about her pet. Do you have one?”
“I have a dog. His name is Bumble.”
“Does he eat nonstop?”
“Ah, nee.”
“The Lord has blessed you, then, Leanna,” Mary Beth joked. “My Snout is eating me out of house and home.”
“Snout?”
“He’s her pet,” Fern said. “He’s a pig.”
“Oh my.”
Patricia smiled at her. “You said it.”
She and Willis had had one pig, and one was enough.
Not only were they mighty big, but they smelled and needed attention.
Their pig had been rather mean, which in the long run had been a good thing.
When two men had come over to help Willis with the butchering, she’d thought more about the many meals they would have than its loss of life.
She’d never heard of an Amish woman—or any woman—befriending a grown hog, though. “Please tell me that Snout is one of those cute potbellied pigs.”
“Not at all. He’s full grown and living in mei sheiyah. I made him a comfortable place. He’s very appreciative. Pigs are smart, you know.”
“Hmm.”
Sally exchanged a smile with Leanna.
“I know everyone thinks that I’ve lost my grasp on reality, but I figure keeping Snout around ain’t hurting anything.”
“I reckon you’re right.”
“Some people like dogs. I have Snout.” Mary Beth shrugged. “He had the best expression when I was grieving. I couldn’t bear to turn him into Sunday ham.”
Leaning back against the cushions, Leanna finally relaxed. “Perhaps one day I could visit.”
“Of course, Leanna. I’ll be glad for the company.” After taking a sip of coffee, she asked, “Are you enjoying the widows club?”
“I am, though it’s not what I expected,” she answered honestly.
Sally nodded. “When I joined seven years ago, I was scared to death.”
“Why?” Leanna asked.
“Jonas and me had been married for over thirty years. We had children. Our youngest had gotten married shortly before Jonas passed on to heaven.” She looked down at her folded hands.
“Now I realize that I was mourning two losses—the loss of my daughter, who was suddenly very busy with her own house, and my Jonas. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to meet new people.
I didn’t know what I would have to offer. Does that make sense?”
“It does to me.” Turning to Mary Beth, Leanna asked, “Did you feel the same way?”
“Kind of. Henry and I had many good years together, but we’d also grown apart. Little by little, I’d started to do more and more activities with my sisters-in-law and other people in our church community.”
“Such as me,” Sally said.
Mary Beth lowered her voice. “When Doreen showed up at my doorstep, she happened to mention that Sally was a member. Once I knew that, I was eager to attend the first meeting.”
“I see.”
Mary Beth crossed her legs. “Leanna, may I be frank with you?”
“Of course.”
“Part of our club’s charm is that there’s a variety of women here.
It’s a welcome opportunity to make new friends and, yes, commiserate about how difficult it can be to lose one’s spouse and start over again.
” Looking a little more worried, she added, “That said, there’s no expectation to bond with every woman here. Some? Well . . . ”
“I’ll say what Mary Beth doesn’t want to. Just because a woman is also a widow doesn’t mean you have to have a lot in common.”
Leanna couldn’t help the smile that started. “I am finding that to be true.”
“I’m sure we’re going to be great friends,” Mary Beth said. “And let’s not forget to set a date for you to visit Snout.”
That was just the reminder she needed to get her head back on straight. “Yes. I’m already looking forward to the visit.” And she did want to go. She was certain of that.
But did she want these meetings to be the highlight of her life? She just wasn’t sure.
It seemed she had as many questions about her future as Jeremy had. As the conversation turned to books everyone had recently read, Leanna closed her eyes. She exhaled softly and allowed herself to relax.
As Sally and Mary Beth started chatting about an author they liked, Leanna took the moment to pray. She prayed that the Lord would continue to guide her. That He would continue to be with her as she navigated this new life.
Finally, everything clicked into place. Yes, she was a widow, but she wanted other things in life besides friendships and retreats. She wanted to fall in love and maybe even the chance to have a child.
When she got home, she vowed to give Evan a call and tell him that she’d changed her mind. That she feared she’d made a mistake.
Hopefully he would give her another chance.