Chapter 21
— chapter twenty-one
Sometime in the middle of her third year of marriage to Willis, Leanna forced herself to accept her reality. It happened after yet another pregnancy test had come up negative. That disappointing news had sent Willis spiraling.
After that, he seemed determined to find fault with nearly everything she did. His coffee didn’t seem as hot as normal. The yolk in one of his eggs had broken. There was dust covering a cabinet.
Most important of all, she had once again failed to give him a baby.
By eight each morning, she’d usually felt overwhelmed and dejected.
And, yes, angry.
By the time Willis left the house, she would feel like throwing something at the door.
She would ache to do anything to get rid of the awful tension building inside her.
For a few minutes she would be tempted to tell him exactly what she thought about his ridiculous expectations.
More importantly, she would yearn to share how disappointed she was too.
They had been depending on a baby to fix their marriage.
To give them something to hold on to. To give them hope.
But one particular morning, the morning she’d felt so helpless and angry, Leanna didn’t throw a single thing or utter a single word in her defense.
Just as her eyes had threatened to fill with tears, she pulled herself together.
Reminded herself that she’d entered into the marriage willingly and meant her vows.
There was no turning back. Divorce wasn’t an option.
Now, all these years later, as she sat in the comfortable rocking chair in the corner of her bedroom, Leanna stared out the window and realized that she felt the same way she had on that awful morning so many years ago. She felt helpless and ignored. And, yes, perhaps a little bit angry too.
And she reminded herself that Evan’s statement about not wanting any more children shouldn’t have been a surprise. He’d already raised a family. Two of his sons were married and had children of their own. Why on earth would he want to start all over again?
It seemed unrealistic to think he would change his mind for her. Love was a wonderful thing, but it didn’t make one blind to reality.
If she loved Evan, shouldn’t she want him happy too?
Then, too, there was the widows club. The first time she visited, she’d had a lump in her throat almost the entire time. She’d been surrounded by like-minded women who believed in themselves enough to want to live independently. And she was part of their ranks. She was accepted and she belonged.
Even better, not only did they think she belonged, but they saw her as someone who was capable and strong. She was comfortable among them. That was a wonderful thing.
Wunderbar.
Leanna drummed her fingers on the smooth wooden grain of the rocker. No doubt, this rocking chair had taken care of many other women’s dreams. And, sure, her mammi had rocked her mother in it, but she probably had spent just as many moments simply relaxing and whiling away the afternoon.
There were so many ways to be happy. She should be thinking about that. She should be thinking about what she had, not what she didn’t.
Plus, she couldn’t deny the facts. She wasn’t all that young. Who was to say that she would even be able to conceive if she and Evan eventually married? Willis could have been correct. She might not be able to bear children.
Was she really willing to lose a man she cared deeply about on such a flimsy hope?
She wasn’t sure.
Bumble, who’d been chewing contentedly on an old, knotted pillowcase, groaned. Looking down at him by her feet, she whispered, “What should I do, Bumble?”
He didn’t seem to have an answer for her, though. All he did was continue to look up at her with a sad expression. It seemed her blue mood had even affected the pup.
Moping about was never a solution, so she decided to leave the house.
She needed to do something fun. Stopping by Mary Beth’s house sounded like the perfect way to look on the bright side again.
And she couldn’t deny that she was curious about Snout.
Mary Beth would probably be more than happy to show off the pig.
Plus, hadn’t Mary Beth said that she lived near a garden center? Perhaps they could walk to the store together and look at the spring plantings. Being around something fresh and new would be good for her soul.
Decision made, she smiled at Bumble, took him on a little walk, and then set out to the barn to hitch up Ginger.
“Leanna, I’m delighted to see you,” Mary Beth said after Leanna knocked on the door and they exchanged greetings. “I didn’t have anything special planned today, and I was just sitting here trying to convince myself that wiping down baseboards is a very fulfilling chore.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Very fulfilling?”
“You’re right. That’s putting things a little bit too strong, ain’t so?”
“Maybe?”
She chuckled. “I do appreciate a clean room, though.”
“I reckon most everyone does.”
Mary Beth snorted a laugh. “You’re exactly right.” She got to her feet. “Are you sure you want to meet Snout? I love him, but he is just a pig.”
“I wouldn’t have come over if I didn’t.”
“All right, then. Come on.”
It turned out Mary Beth hadn’t lied. Snout lived a fancy life, and that was for sure and for certain. He had a mud corner, food containers with lots of fresh water and vegetables, and even an assortment of tires, which Mary Beth said he sometimes liked to play with.
“Play?”
“Oh jah.” Her new friend nodded. “Pigs need to be stimulated. They are far smarter than dogs, ya know.”
“Nee, I didn’t know that.” She couldn’t see how such a smart pig could be entertained by tossing around tires but kept that opinion to herself.
It turned out that Snout was both remarkably clean and remarkably friendly. His head popped up when Mary Beth appeared at the door, and he squealed when he noticed she had an apple in her hand. He trotted closer.
“He looks happy to see you,” Leanna said.
“I think he is.” She winked. “Or, he could only be pleased about a treat. He loves apples,” she added as she tossed the apple into his pen. Snout consumed it in two bites.
“Jah. It seems he does.”
“Would you like to pet him?”
She would not. Unfortunately, though, she couldn’t think of a way to say no without hurting Mary Beth’s feelings. Besides, if she’d come all this way to meet a pig, she might as well touch him too. “All right.”
“He likes the top of his snout rubbed.” She stuck her hand through the wooden slats and demonstrated. Sure enough, Snout did appear to love it. He closed his eyes, groaned, and then lifted his chin a few more inches. “It’s your turn.”
“Okay.” Carefully she reached out to rub the pig’s snout, trying to forget about other hogs she’d come in contact with who would sooner eat her left hand than be petted or scratched.
But when she carefully ran a finger along the top of Snout’s rather rough, coarsely haired head, she was pleasantly surprised. The pig didn’t try to bite, charge her, or run off. He sat still, tilted his head, and allowed the touch.
“What do you think?”
“Snout does seem rather well-behaved, but I think he and I are going to have to take our time trying to be friends.”
To her relief, Mary Beth didn’t seem perturbed. “I can understand that. He’s not for everyone, that is true.”
“I not only came over to see your pet but wondered if you’d like to go to Weaver’s. I reckon they’ve got some spring plants out.”
“I could visit for a spell. Not long, though.”
“That’s fine. Maybe we could walk over together, and then when you are ready you can leave. I’ll walk back to get my buggy when I’m done.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Weaver’s was crowded. From almost the moment they stepped onto the parking lot, Leanna could tell that Mary Beth was ready to leave.
After ten minutes, Leanna placed her hand on Mary Beth’s arm. “If you would like to go ahead and leave, I’ll understand.”
Relief filled her expression. “Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“I’m sure.”
“Danke. I’m sorry, but I’m not one for crowds.”
“Nothing to apologize for. I’ll see you soon.”
Her new friend’s expression warmed. “Yes. I’ll see you then.” After a quick hug, they parted.
Realizing that she could now look to her heart’s content, she picked up a brown wicker shopping basket and headed toward the spring seedlings.
“Leanna?”
Turning to the voice, she felt her insides sink. He wasn’t the last person on earth she wanted to see, but she would have certainly been very pleased not to have run into Jeremy Keim.
Hoping and praying that he only wanted to say hello, she smiled at him. “Hiya, Jeremy. How are you on this fine afternoon?”
“I am well, danke.”
“I didn’t know you were interested in plants.”
“Me? No. Not at all. My, ah, friend is, though. She’s applying for a job.”
“She’d better be careful. They might want her to begin right now.”
He grinned. “I said the same thing.”
The boy was adorable, and it was obvious that he was quite smitten with his girl. Though she was happy for him, it was a bit of a reminder that she was likely to be alone the rest of her life.
Pushing the thought firmly away, she inclined her head. “I wish you a gut day, Jeremy.”
“Hold on. Here she comes. I’d like you to meet her.”
While Jeremy performed the introductions, Leanna held out her hand. “I’m pleased to know you, Becca.”
“Same.” The girl smiled as they shook hands.
“What did they say about a job, Bec?” Jeremy asked.
“Nothing much. The manager took my application and said that he was too busy to interview me now.” Looking disappointed, she added, “I’m going to have to wait for him to call.”
“I’m sure he will.”
“I hope so. I’d love to stop working nights at the car wash.”
“I’ll hope and pray that you hear some good news soon,” Leanna said.
“Thanks,” Becca said with a grateful smile.
Realizing that it was unlikely she’d ever learn what happened with Becca’s job, Leanna felt another wave of disappointment wash over her. “Well, it was good to see you both. I hope you have a nice afternoon.”
“You too,” Jeremy said. “Hey, are you coming over to see my daed anytime soon?”
What to say? “No, I don’t think so.”
He frowned. “Why? Did he not ask?”
Reminding herself that the truth was never a bad thing, she murmured, “We . . . well, we came to realize that it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.”
“No way. Really? What happened?”
Somehow Jeremy’s shock made her feel even worse. Evan hadn’t bothered to tell his son that they’d broken up. “I’d rather not talk about it. If you don’t mind.”
Jeremy looked ready to argue, but Becca grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Jeremy.”
“What?” After exchanging a look with her, he swallowed. Turning back to Leanna, he nodded. “I’m sorry for asking.”
“There’s never any harm in asking. At least, I don’t think.” Turning to Becca, she added, “It was very nice to meet you, dear.”
“You too.”
She walked to a display of seedlings on sale. Forced herself to focus on the plants.
But once again, some of the shininess of the day had faded.