Chapter 36
Freya
What the hell? Jed, getting pounded by Ethan’s security people?
I spun around to face Ethan. He had that look on his face. I knew it all too well. The look that said, “This is going to hurt, but I know what’s best for you.”
But I was changed by what had happened to me. I wasn’t taking any of that shit from him, or anyone, ever again.
Jed looked different. Leaner, sharper, harder, but his eyes burned in his face, staring at me. The intensity was confusing, after his silence.
“Why were you attacking him?” I asked Ethan.
Ethan shrugged, his face set in stubborn lines. “He was being unruly.”
“Unruly? You mean, like, he said something you didn’t want to hear? Don’t be a prick, Ethan!”
“Freya, he just needs to go, and then we can talk about—”
“Shut up.” Something about my tone made all four men go very quiet.
I turned to Jed, keeping my back very straight.
I would not show weakness in front of this man.
Even more importantly, I wouldn’t show it in front of Holly.
I was all she had, when it came to female role models, so I had to stop being a gibbering idiot and show her how not to be trampled.
How not to let her heart get shattered in public.
Like, when a guy pledges eternal love and devotion, and then after a nightmare of torture and mortal peril, poof.
He disappears for seven weeks. Without a word.
Yeah. Like that.
I cleared my throat. “So,” I said faintly. “Why are you here, Jed?”
Jed looked lost. “I had to talk to you,” he said. “Since you didn’t respond to my emails, or my texts. Or my letters.”
I gazed at him, shocked. “Emails? Texts?” Then I turned and stared at my brother, whose arms were crossed. He had that stone-faced look. “Ethan?” I said. “Did you actually censor my communications? You dared to do that to me?”
“You didn’t need any distraction,” he said. “You needed peace and quiet and safety. You needed to heal. Not have some fucking idiot galumphing around and demanding your attention!”
The rage that came over me was so intense, it made me shake. I just didn’t understand how this man could claim to love me and still be such a goddamn idiot.
“You thought you could decide for me,” I said. “As if I was a child. That’s over, Ethan. Never again. Or you will lose me, and that would be a big shame.”
“I did what I thought was best,” Ethan protested.
“Well, that’s not your call anymore. It never really was.” I turned to Jed. “So, did you have something you wanted to say to me?”
Jed glanced around the room. “Could we, ah, maybe go someplace private?”
I was about to tell him no, just to be a snotty bitch, because I was still generally pissed off at everyone, but then Ethan barged in.
“No,” he said brusquely. “You can say it right here. In front of everyone.”
Of course, that got my back up all over again. “Oh, shut up, Ethan,” I snapped, turning to Jed. “Follow me.”
“Bad idea, Frey,” Ethan said.
“Did I ask for your opinion? I did not. Leave me alone.”
Jed trailed me out of the room, and Holly scampered alongside until we got to the main living room on this level. Ethan followed, flat-mouthed and fuming.
I stopped at the entrance, kissed Holly on the top of her head, and shooed my brother away with a flutter of my fingers. “Excuse us,” I said. “Later.”
I shut the door, then leaned against it, staring at him. He looked as good as ever, in spite of the fresh marks on the side of his face, the new bump on his nose. But he had such a grim, haunted look.
“So,” I said briskly. “You sent me messages. I never got them. That’s classic Ethan for you. I really need to get the hell away from here, and get back to my own place in Seattle, but he’s so paranoid. And I can’t entirely blame him.”
“Me, neither,” Jed said. “You’re safer here, as long as Nicole’s on the loose.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Plus, there’s Holly. And I was all messed up for a few weeks, so he’s even more overprotective than usual.” I hesitated. “And you were nowhere to be found.”
“I did not hide from you,” he said forcefully.
“I would never. On the contrary. You’d have to drive me away with a stick, and I’d still come back for more.
Ethan whisked you away to that fancy private clinic somewhere while we were both sedated.
I had some surgeries, too, so I was stuck.
As soon as I had my wits back, I texted you.
Over and over. But I got no answer. So I started to wonder if silence was your answer. ”
I let that sink in for a couple of minutes. “Really, Jed?” I said. “After what I did? Calling Boer, inviting him to kidnap me? I stretched out on a fucking sacrificial altar for you. Was that not enough of a declaration of love? What do you want from me, blood? I spilled plenty of that!”
“I know,” he said. “I hate it that you had to fucking rescue me, risk everything for me. I don’t blame Ethan for being pissed.”
“For God’s sake, you saved my ass over and over! Who gives a shit who saves who?” I yelled. “And my brother is irrelevant. He does not own me. He has no authority over me. This is between you and me. He might not understand that, but he soon will.”
“But…but I couldn’t keep you safe. I couldn’t even keep myself safe.”
“I’ll decide what to risk,” I said. “I have the right to do dumb shit and almost get myself killed, as much as you or Shane, or anyone else does.”
“I know. But Ethan told me to fuck off and go find Nicole. And that made sense to me. That seemed like an appropriate thing to do with my time and energy.”
“You just trotted off to do his bidding? You didn’t care enough to fight for me?”
“I thought I was fighting for you!” he protested. “I’ve been hunting Nicole ever since I could stand. Me and the other Unredeemables. I just haven’t bagged her yet.”
“Well, good for you, for keeping busy. I would have loved to be in the loop.”
Jed shook his head, his eyes full of misery. “Sorry, Frey. I thought that I should give you breathing space. A chance to know how you feel about me, about us, without all the drama and the mortal danger and the blood.”
“Breathing room is way overrated,” I snapped.
My voice was bitchy, but for some reason, Jed smiled. “Breathe anyway.”
“Smart ass,” I snapped.
“I learned from a master,” he said, with another ghost of a smile.
“I was hoping to bring you back something real, babe. Solid intel about Shane, from Nicole. Nothing less would do. So you could have a way forward, or at least, some hope of closure, you know? But over and over, I came up blank, and finally, I couldn’t wait any longer.
I had to come here to you. Empty-handed or not. ”
“Empty-handed?” I stared at him, incredulous. “You thought you had to bring me a gift to approach me again? What, like, a bride price? Forty cows and forty goats?”
“I guess I was hoping to prove my worth,” he admitted. “To show I can take care of you.”
“Jed, for God’s sake.” My voice was shaking. “For this bullshit I waited all alone for seven weeks? Because you needed to prove something? We’re supposed to take care of each other! I am not a fairytale princess!”
Jed put his hands up, puzzled. “Okay, got it. You’re not a princess. Received.”
“I’m not a prize to be won by being worthy! And I’m not anyone’s possession!”
“I never thought that, not in a million years. I just think you’re incredible. I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.”
“Newsflash,” I said. “Me too. So we’re even! No, actually, I’d be dead at least twice over, if not three times. So I win.”
“Fine, baby. You definitely win. And you’re not a princess. You’re a goddess.”
“Oh, stop.” My eyes were leaking, which filled up my nose. Damn.
“Try to understand me,” Jed said. “The only thing you wanted was the truth about Shane. That was your holy grail, so I tried to get it for you. Something to show for that clusterfuck we put ourselves through. I wanted to bring you that, and I failed. So here I am, with nothing to offer but myself.”
I mopped at my face with a tissue, not daring to meet his eyes. I’d fall to pieces.
“It doesn’t work that way,” I told him. “I don’t want an offering laid at my feet. Like a cat bringing me a dead bird.”
He winced. “Oh, man. Not the vibe I was going for.”
“I want someone who’ll be there for me. Who trusts me to be there for him.
Someone who’s not afraid to be with me if I’m hurting, or to let me see him when he’s hurting.
Someone who can hold my hand through the scary parts, and the sad parts.
Someone who can be with me, for real, soul to soul.
I thought I had that with you. But I guess it was just a stupid romantic fantasy. ”
Jed took the tissues from my hand, and pulled one from the pack, dabbing gently at the corners of my eyes.
“You’ve got everything I have,” he said quietly.
“The best of me, and the worst of me, too. It’s all there.
All my stupid stuff, my ugly stuff, my dark side.
I can’t just snap my fingers and make it just go away. I’m not perfect.”
“I know that,” I said. “Neither am I. You’ve seen my bad stuff.”
“I know I’ll let you down and piss you off, and probably disappoint you on a regular basis,” he continued.
“But on the plus side, I will love you until I die. And I will always put you first. I swear it, before God. This is the biggest, the most solemn, the most real thing I have ever felt. Before you, I didn’t even know this kind of feeling existed.
You opened my eyes to a whole other world. ”
I hid my face in the tissue, because it was absolutely not fit to be seen.
Then Jed reached into his jacket pocket, and pulled something out. It was delicate and small, and it flashed and glimmered as I blinked tear-blurred eyes.
“This belonged to my great-grandmother,” he said. “It’s an aquamarine. She wore it for her entire sixty-two-year marriage. Never took it off.”