Chapter 32 #3
Freya took me down to her apartment to show me her space.
Holly showed me her room. Later on, it was drinks by the pool, where Holly took a swim, splashing like a dolphin, while Freya told me the outrageous tale of getting together with Jed.
She was a good storyteller. Amazing that they lived through it.
And I actually relaxed. For me, anyway. Who knew what normal human stress levels actually felt like. In any case, mine were lower than they had been since I could remember, and it felt very nice. The cocktails helped, too, giving me a mellow buzz.
We cobbled together a delicious rag-bag of a dinner out of Angela’s massive selection of leftovers, partaking liberally of the wine while we set stuff out and heated stuff up. By the time we sat down to eat, I was downright giggly.
After dessert, we sat together to enjoy the sunset, and when that had faded, Freya glanced at the clock on her phone. “It’s bedtime, honey baby,” she said to Holly. “Go get ready. I’ll come tuck you in.”
“Can Kat do it tonight?” Holly asked, giving me a pleading look. “She’s Uncle Ethan’s girlfriend, so, she’s like, my new second mom, right?”
Freya shot me a nervous, questioning glance. I felt pierced by a stab of pure fear.
It was hard enough to manage all the memories of Gabri without supercharging them with a tender bedtime ritual. After Mom died and Raffi had been moved into Tony Petruzzi’s apartment, I’d been the one to cuddle Gabri to sleep every night.
But the glow from that beautiful, mellow day spent with Ethan’s family gave me the courage to face it. “Fine with me,” I heard myself say. “I’d love to.” Who could resist a little girl’s pleading eyes?
My heart clutched in my chest when she took my hand and led me to her bedroom.
I managed coherent responses to her cheerful, excited chatter during all the bathroom stuff.
Toilet and teeth. Hair brushing and braiding.
And then, the ultimate dilemma: stars, galaxies, and nebulae pajamas, or the Disney princess ones?
The princess pajamas won, but it was a near thing, because stars, galaxies, and nebulae were super-cool. She crawled into her bed, and patted the space next to her. “Come look at my star constellations on the ceiling,” she invited.
I lay down next to her, hesitantly, and looked up. Oh God. The ceiling was studded with luminous stick-on stars, just like the ones Gabri and I had decorated her bedroom ceiling with, a lifetime ago.
Crap. The stars were a low blow. They were so unexpected, they slipped right past my guard. My throat closed, and my eyes filled with tears. The little greenish points of light melded into a watery blur as I blinked them away.
“Cool,” I said, over the frog in my throat. “I had those when I was a kid, too.”
“Uncle Ethan helped me measure out all the proportions, so we could recreate the biggest constellations,” she said. “We did a map, and planned it all out.”
“Yowza,” I said, “I didn’t do that, when I put up my stars. I just made up constellations in my head. I figured they were the stars that were visible from another planet. Planet Kat, in a galaxy far, far away.”
Holly laughed and cuddled closer to me. “I like Planet Kat,” she said. “I’m glad you’re here. Uncle Ethan is, too. I can tell he’s happy that you’re here. You should stay.”
Oh don’t, don’t, don’t do it. Don’t get so attached, don’t hold your heart out like that, it is so freaking dangerous.
I swallowed back all my choking fears and just hugged her. “Thank you for saying that,” I whispered “I’m glad to have met you.”
I held her until I realized she’d drifted off to sleep, and then extricated myself very gently.
I stroked my finger down the little girl’s thick braid, and stole out, leaving the door a little open.
Gabri had always wanted the door left open.
She liked the stripe of light filtering through, and she liked to hear me puttering around in the living room, doing whatever. It made her feel safe.
Of course, there was no such thing as safe. Not for anyone. But little girls should keep their illusions for as long as possible. I hoped Holly could keep whatever was left of hers longer than I had been allowed to keep mine.
My heart felt too full to face the people still talking in the living room, so I quietly headed out onto the terrace, looking over the endless gradations of shadowy gray-blue in the twilit mountains and valleys, letting the breeze dry my wet eyes.
Freya followed me out after a few minutes. Jed was right behind her. They leaned on the railing, one on either side of me, which made me intensely self-conscious.
“Sorry about Holly putting you on the spot like that,” Freya said. “She’s a wonderful kid, but no nine-year-old is very big on tact. Or timing, for that matter.”
“But she knows a good thing when she sees it,” Jed added. “She wants to nail all the good things into place. I can’t blame her.”
“She reminds me of…someone I used to know,” I said. “Of course, I knew she’d be a great kid, from the way Ethan talked about her. He’s crazy about her.”
“Yes, he is,” Freya said. “He’s crazy about you, too.”
“That’s for sure,” Jed agreed.
My stress levels jolted up about ten notches in a hot instant. “Um, guys. I think you’re jumping the gun a little.” I spun around, so I could look at them both at the same time. “Ease off, maybe.”
Freya shrugged. “He’s so different with you,” she said.
“Yeah? How so?”
“Well, you may have noticed he’s a my-way-or-the-highway kind of guy, right?”
I let out a bark of laughter. “Actually, so far, it’s been more like, ‘my-way-and-the-highway-is-not-even-an-option-so-freaking-forget-it.”
Freya snickered under her breath. “Yeah, exactly. But that dominating vibe doesn’t work on you. You’re simply not moved by it. Which makes you perfect for him.”
I held up my hand. “Hold on,” I pleaded. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
Freya and Jed slanted each other a teasing glance.
“Getting ahead of ourselves is our specialty,” Jed said. His voice had that velvety sound that made me realize I was overhearing love talk.
Freya giggled at the inside joke. They exchanged flirty, loverlike glances. Hands, arms, winding together. Madly in love. Aww. It was lovely to see.
“What are you guys talking about out here?” Ethan said as he walked outside.
“You,” Freya said, with a sunny smile. “Of course. You’re one of our favorite topics.”
“Ouch,” he said mildly. “Give it a break, Frey.”
She shrugged. “Only because it’s time for bed. But I’ll start right back up on you tomorrow, bro. Count on it.” She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Good night,” she said. “I had a great time today. I’m glad you’re here. See you in the morning.”
“Good night,” I said, bemused. She and Jed walked away toward the stairs that led to their apartment on the lower level, holding hands, heads tilted close, murmuring to each other.
Ethan took Freya’s place next to me, leaning against the railing. Close enough so I could smell his scent, feel his body heat. Without thinking about it, I leaned in and touched him. His arm went around me, pulling me close to his solid warmth.
It felt so good. It felt absolutely amazing.
“I love your family,” I blurted out.
“I’m so glad.” He tilted my face up, kissed me, slowly, sensually, masterfully. “What do you say? Time for bed?”
I almost laughed at how comically perfect it was. Warm sunset colors, tenderness, kisses. Strolling through this beautiful space, hand in hand. The safe, lovely house, filled with good souls who cared about each other and had each other’s backs.
It was too damn perfect to believe it could actually be real…but I didn’t care.
I was going to try like hell to believe it anyway.