53
I take my eyes away from Xander as he walks away, not wanting to face what almost just happened.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to let my guard down, to let him in.
Especially not now, it’s not fair.
“How are you holding up?” Cole asks as he walks over to me, yet another person I’d rather not talk to at the moment.
Not when I have to do what Hidale wants me to, to save Abigail.
My heart breaks at the thought of her and I hope to the gods that they have held up to their word and not touched her since. I can’t bear the thought of her going through what I went through at the Agency.
What happened recently is nothing compared to what they did to me growing up and I know they’re capable of so much worse.
“Maeve?” Cole says and I realise that I hadn’t answered or even looked at him.
“Yes?” I reply softly as I look up into his eyes.
There's concern and worry there that I wish wasn’t.
They shouldn’t care so much about me.
Especially not now.
“Are you okay?” He asks, so gently that my heart can’t handle it.
“I’m fine.” I answer with a gulp. “I just need to sit down for a bit.”
Cole smiles a soft, sad smile and reaches behind me to grab the pack from the horse, before setting up my bed for the night.
He puts my roll out just in front of the fire that the soldiers must have lit while I wasn’t watching. Just before he puts his own next to mine and gestures for me to sit down.
“Is there anything else I can get for you, princess?” Cole asks as I sit down. I smirk at the nickname before remembering that the last time he called me that, I was technically engaged to a prince.
My smile leaves at once.
I look down at the ring that’s still on my bloodied finger.
I wince as I tear it off and drop it to the ground.
Not bothering to see where it lands.
Part of me hadn’t wanted to believe that Raylin sold me out. Part of me was still so angry at him, at his betrayal.
But another part of me understood, they had his mother, he had to save her.
“I’m sorry—” Cole says quickly, noticing my reaction to the nickname. “I didn’t think—I was just trying to lighten the mood.”
I smile slightly as I look across to him. “I know, thank you.”
I look up and see Xander start to walk back over, he offers me a small crooked smile, that makes my cheeks start to heat.
He walks swiftly past us to grab his pack and set up next to me.
“I should let you know, love.” He says gently while setting up his roll. “As much as we went to Hidale to save you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t use it to my advantage.”
My brows knot as I look up at him. “What does that mean?”
Xander sits down casually, leaning back on his hands before looking across to me. It’s moments like this where I forget he’s the King of Erador, he just looks so normal.
“While we were there, we stole a list from Hidale.”
I look between Xander and Cole slowly, the pain in my body still inhibiting me from moving as freely as I usually do.
“What list?”
Xander smiles across at me. “The list of the known hybrids from Hidale’s research.”
I let out a gasp, the news distracting me entirely from everything else. “Wait— does that mean?”
“Yes, it means we can begin our search for the Nytherin.”
It’s Cole who answers from the other side of me. The light from the fire dances off the smile he flashes me.
“How in the gods' names, did you two pull that off?” I ask, my voice exasperated.
Xander throws me a fake look of being offended.
“You think so little of us.”
I give him a pointed look back, urging him to explain.
Xander rolls his eyes playfully. “You remember one of the members of my royal guard, Alistair?” Xander asks, lifting up a hand to gesture to the man with longish blonde hair, sitting across from us around the fire. I hadn’t even noticed he was here, nor had I noticed Finch sitting next to him.
Finch gives me a wink when he catches me looking at them and I turn away from him.
I nod my reply to Xander, not saying anything more.
“Then you’ll remember when I couldn’t tell you what his power was?”
“Yes.” I breathe, remembering how he hadn’t trusted me yet. He’d only trusted me enough to tell me Desmond and
Fray’s power. Fray, who I note is not here.
“Alistair is an illusionist.” Xander says finally.
I gape at him, not knowing what to say. I’d never met an illusionist before, at least I thought I hadn’t.
I think back to when they first took me, trying to remember all that happened, my heart starts racing.
Had everything been real?
“He never?” I question, not knowing how to finish the question.
“No.” Xander answers, a firmness in his voice that hadn’t been there before. “He never used his power on you, everything you’ve seen or heard, has been real.”
I just nod my reply, not knowing what else I could say.
I look towards Alistair, who hasn’t offered a word since. In fact I don’t think I’d ever heard him speak. Even when he stepped in to break up Desmond and Finch’s fight. He hadn’t spoken.
I look back towards Xander, curiosity clouding every other emotion. “So how did you do it?”
Xander smiles, a mischievous smile and I have to look away. “I didn’t know where Hidale had kept this list and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he has copies but at least we now have one of our own.” He says and I give him another look that says to continue and stop beating around the bush.
Xander smiles at me.
“So eager.” He says with a smirk, before he notes the impatient look on my face and sighs lightly.
“But alas, we made Hidale think two of my men had slipped past him to steal the list. When he sent his guards after them, two of my men actually did slip past and followed them, all while Alistair kept up the illusion.”
I just stare at Xander before looking over at Alistair who must have been listening and offers me a smile. The same kind he gave me a long time ago when Xander first introduced us.
“Does Hidale know you have an illusionist as part of your royal guard?” I ask, tearing my eyes away from Alistair.
Xander’s face goes dark. “No. No one else does.”
Then he picks up a hand from where it’s resting and motions to everyone in our little camp.
“Just everyone here, only the people that I can trust.”
My stomach drops at that, at the fact that I’m now included in those people he can trust.
Guilt runs through me and I look away, unable to face him.
“I’m sorry.” Xander says suddenly.
“What could you possibly be sorry for?” I say sternly, wishing he would stop saying those words.
“For everything you’ve gone through, because of what we dragged you into.”
I stare into the fire, watching it crackle and burn, so grateful for the heat after spending days on the cold stone.
“I need you to both stop apologising to me, none of this—”
I say, still not looking at Cole or Xander.
“None of this is your fault.”
I bring my knees up to my chest and cradle them with my arms, shielding my body from the cool wind brushing over my skin.
Xander doesn’t reply but I notice him rise and walk away out of the corner of my eye.
“Right, sorry.” Cole suddenly says and I turn and shoot him a glare. He smiles at me knowingly and I let out a soft laugh, unable to hold it in.
I hear footsteps approach from behind and jump slightly as something is placed over my shoulders.
“I wasn’t sure what they’d put you in.” Xander says, his voice strained.
“Or if they’d put you in anything at all— so I brought this, from home.”
Home the word echos through my body like the chords played on a musical instrument. I say nothing as I stare forward into the fire, unable to move or even look at Xander or his hands lingering by my shoulders.
“There’s pants and a shirt as well, if you wanted to get changed.” Xander says and passes me the rest before sitting down again next to me.
“I uh—” My words struggle to escape me, like they’re not enough to express how I feel as I clutch the clothes in my now open arms.
My mind is racing and overwhelming me.
The thoughtfulness, the word home, our moment from before, the almost—
“Thanks.” I say quickly and get up to get changed behind a tree.
Gods it feels good to be in clothes that fully cover me and are comfortable to move in. Xander had brought me my usual pants, long sleeve top and jacket.
It’s not fair what that does to my heart.
It’s not fair that it makes what I have to do immensely harder.
But maybe it should be.
It should be hard to do what I must.
If it was easy, I’d have surely lost my soul entirely.
And right now, I can’t decide if that would be better or worse.
I look down at the dress in my arms. I’m incredibly grateful to no longer be in clothes stiff from my own blood.
I see the guys ahead of me, talking to each other from across my empty bed roll in the middle.
I walk between them and toss my dress in the fire. Little sparks and specks of the flames rise once the dress hits the wood.
I step back and sit down, watching as the flame burns brighter and bigger as they reach the dress.
“We normally put wood on the fire but I guess that works too.” Cole says as he looks towards the fire, eyes slightly wide. I shoot him a glare when he turns to face me and he just smirks.
I lay back onto my roll and get comfy, or as comfy as I can with my body still aching.
My eyelids start to grow heavy, begging for sleep.
I would have thought all that time in the cell would have given me plenty of rest but it’s the opposite it seems.
I wake up to a sharp pain on my shoulder and rise quickly, holding my hands up to face my attacker.
“Gods love, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
Huh.
I blink away the sleep from my eyes and see Xander there. My breath releases and I drop my arms away.
“I preferred being woken up with the water.” I mumble before laying back down and rubbing my eyes gently.
Cole erupts in a fit of laughter and I look up to see Xander looking between us confused.
“I see you didn’t tell him.” I say to Cole as I move my joints slowly to loosen them and start to get up. My body is still stiff and aching from the beating but my fae powers are healing my injuries quick enough. It now feels a lot better to be standing than it did last night.
Cole shakes his head through his laughter and gets up as well.
“You two are in good spirits this morning.” Xander says bluntly, looking between us.
Cole says nothing as he walks past and claps him on the shoulder, before going to get the horses ready.
Xander takes a couple of steps to close the distance between us while sliding his hands in his pockets.
“Maeve?” He says gently and I look back up at his face. His blue eyes show so much emotion, that I’m tempted to look away.
Yet I’m trapped.
“There’s not much time or privacy here to talk about—” He stops himself for a moment, looking down at my lips and then back up to my eyes.
“Well, you know, what happened or— almost happened last night.” Heat rises up my neck as he gives me a shy smile.
Part of me had been hoping he would ignore what happened, that we would just move on.
But another part of me wishes for the opposite.
That’s the part of me that can’t win, not now with everything I must do.
Yet I’m afraid it might.
“But I do want to talk about it, as soon as we’re back.” Xander promises gently.
I tear my eyes away from the intensity of his gaze.
“I’d like that.” I reply softly.
Cole whistles from where he stands in front of his horse.
“You two, hurry up.”
I scowl at Cole as Xander gestures for me to lead the way.
I give the horse a pat by his jaw as I head over. It’s the same dark horse Xander always rides when we go somewhere.
“Do you need a hand?” Xander asks from behind me, his breath sending goosebumps down my spine.
“I’ll be okay today.”
I wait for Xander to get on his horse before sliding in front of him.
His breathing feels uneven from behind me and I note that his movements are less smooth than usual as he reaches forward to grab the reins.
“Xander? Are you okay?”
He lets out an unsteady breath.
“That’s the second time you’ve said my name.”
“What? It can’t be?” I reply incredulously, surely I must have said his name before?
“Trust me, I know.” He breathes out.
I scoff at him. “What, you’ve been counting?”
He laughs softly and my heart flutters in response.
“More like waiting.”