Extended Epilogue
CROISSANT
Sometime later…
Just thought I’d leap in here to get a few things straight after those two characters basically held me captive, hostage really, and suppressed my voice for the whole of this story.
No Valentine Card for me, it seems. Inexcusable.
That woman, I can barely say her name, but it starts with an ‘E’, has never even once offered me a croissant despite the indignity she bestowed on me of naming me after the goddamn pastry. The very least she could do is let me taste what all her excitement is about.
I had to take the matter into my own paws and raid the kitchen one morning while those two were, yet again, at the two-backed monster game.
And, once again, playing in the damned shower.
As disgusting, unhygienic and dangerous as that is for me.
They leave the floor in there as slippery as, well, I’m not sure what.
But there’s no traction for me when I’m trying to play with the water drips.
And it’s not just soap; they seem to enjoy producing multiple other liquids while they are in there, soaping each other up. Squishing, rubbing and exchanging fluids.
I’ve seen them. They never tidy up afterwards, either. They always need a rest, poor dears.
If it’s so goddamn tiring, why not sleep first!
Anyway, I sprang up on the kitchen bench and sampled her prized pastry for myself. And well, my verdict: absolutely revolting.
A word of advice from a feline connoisseur: avoid croissants at all costs.
Now, on the other paw, bagels? Love ‘em.
The more cream or cheese, the better. On anything. Everything.
As for him whose name shall never pass my lips, but it starts with an “A”, comparing me to that jumped-up, tacky celebrity tabby, Garfield, is reprehensible, and I could probably sue. Probably will, we’ll see what happens there.
Then there is that horrendous woman whose name I will definitely state — SELENA. I have already reported her. The authorities should be arriving any day now to take her away.
Claws crossed!
She kicked me. Poked me. Squeezed me. Pulled my ears. Twisted my tail. And she calls me Mr Whiskers only because she tried to extract every one of my whiskers one by one with a pair of tweezers. I hissed, bit, scratched and carried on, of course, as you do. And survived, as you do.
***
Now, shhh! I have to whisper here.
I overheard ‘E’ and ‘A’ plotting to tie a pair of rings around my neck and take me to a place downtown. I didn’t catch the whole plot, but I really need your help reporting them for catnapping.
Which, as far as I know, is still a serious crime.
They plan to invite all their friends and relatives to watch me walk across a carpet and bring them rings. I heard them telling each other how they plan to stay living together for the rest of their lives. Lives? Make that one life each.
They did a lot of kissy-kissy, and there were some tears when they were plotting this. No word on how I fit into their plan, except for the rings bit. But after their happy ever after is over, it’s fine by me because I’ll still have eight lives left.
Humans with just one life, ha. Losers!
What they plan to do next only God knows — and He’s not let a word slip to me.
I think I’m still her baby. The one and only Croissant. But lately, and confusingly, I’ve heard him calling her his baby.
I hope that’s the only baby planned.
I don’t want to put up with any rivals. No babies or houseguests of any species is purrfectly fine with me.
Just hoping this Valentine they mention isn’t some weird type of cat, like a Burmese or a Persian.
I’ve heard there’s already a Pomeranian in the building - whatever that is. Sounds like a virus.
Whoever, or whatever this Valentine is, I’m ready to rip his eyes out, chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out. If this Valentine thing comes to a showdown, me against him, them, they, it, she, it’s going to be a Valentine’s Nightmare as far as I’m concerned.
***
I’ve heard that they have pencilled Valentine’s Day as the time of my catnapping. Not sure when that is, so please watch out for me.
Until then, I’ll just go about my lives in my usual haughty manner, taking every opportunity to disrupt theirs whenever I can. Meoww!
The End
Thank you for reading!