Chapter 9 Crystal #2
"Drew did not know until Albuquerque. I do not know how I know that.
I just know. Cora told him in Albuquerque.
He has been holding it for five days. And he told her something on the bridge last night.
Mark. He told her something about the count that she had not heard.
He told her the count was correct. He told her the count was not your fault.
I do not know the words he used. I know the shape.
I know the shape because Drew is the shape of a man who would tell her the count was correct and not let her not believe it. "
"How do you know."
"Because Drew is the only person in eleven years who Cora has trusted with the count.
He is the only person she told the name to.
He is the only person she has touched on purpose.
He is the only person who has touched her on purpose.
He is going to walk through Hess for her.
And he is going to make her say the name in the bathroom in Urbana.
And the saying is what will let her bring Deedee home.
The saying is the thing. Drew is the man who is making the saying happen. "
Mark looked at me.
He did not say anything for a long moment.
Then he said:
"Crystal."
"Yes."
"How long have you been thinking about this."
"Eight months. Since the day Drew showed up at Mojave with the wrong shape and the right eyes."
"Eight months."
"Eight months."
"You have been thinking about Drew and Cora for eight months."
"Yes."
"You did not tell me."
"Mark. I have been thinking about Drew and Cora for eight months because I have been not thinking about Deedee for eight months.
The thinking about Drew and Cora was the thinking I could do that was not crying.
The thinking about Deedee was the crying.
Drew and Cora was the part I could think about that was a story with a possible ending.
Deedee was the part I could not think about because the ending was the thing that had not yet been written.
I have not told you because the thinking about Drew and Cora was mine.
It was the thing I had that nobody else had.
Tess had her eggs. Brecca had her baby. Loren had his council.
I had Drew and Cora. I have been waiting for them to do the thing I have been thinking about them doing.
I have been telling myself the story every night for eight months.
The story is: Drew listens to Cora because Drew is broken in a way that Cora has the shape to hold, and Cora listens to Drew because Cora is broken in a way that Drew has the shape to fill, and the two shapes match.
They go to Urbana. Drew tells Cora the count is correct.
Cora tells the bathroom the name. Drew kills Hess.
Cora brings Deedee home. Drew comes home.
I have been telling myself this story since November. "
"Crystal."
"Yes."
"That is the most you have said to me in eight months."
"I know."
"That is a lot to say."
"I know."
"You feel better."
"No. I feel the same. The shape of what is missing is the same.
Deedee is still in Urbana. Talia is still in the bathroom.
Mara is. Mark, Mara might be. I cannot say it.
I cannot. The story I tell myself has a shape but the story does not control the world.
The world is doing its own thing. The world will do whatever it does. "
"I know."
"But."
"But."
"But I want to sleep tonight."
"You will."
"I will."
Mark stood up. He pulled me up with him.
He held me for a long time. Standing. The kitchen tent's morning sun was through the canvas and the smell was the eggs and Tess was at the basin washing the pan and Tess pretended not to see us.
Tess had been pretending not to see us for nine days.
Tess was a saint. I would tell Tess I knew she had been pretending.
I would do it tomorrow. Tomorrow when I had slept.
Mark walked me back to our tent.
He sat me down on the cot.
He took off my boots.
He pulled the blanket up to my chin.
He sat next to the cot. He put his hand on my forehead.
"Sleep."
"Mark."
"Yes."
"They are at Urbana in two days."
"Yes."
"Drew is with them."
"Yes."
"Drew listens to Cora."
"Yes."
"Drew is going to bring her home."
"Yes."
"Mark."
"Yes."
"Wake me if the radio crackles."
"I will."
"Wake me if Cora calls."
"I will."
"Wake me if it is anyone."
"I will."
"Wake me even if it is nothing. If you cannot tell yet whether it is something. Wake me anyway."
"I will."
"Mark."
"Yes."
"Thank you."
"You are welcome."
I closed my eyes.
I slept for the first time in two hundred and fifty-three days.
Outside the tent, the camp went about its morning.
Somewhere on the southern perimeter Tomas was checking the fence.
Somewhere at the medical tent Brecca was nursing Sebastian.
Somewhere in the kitchen Tess was washing the egg-pan.
Somewhere at the radio table Loren was on the channel waiting for Renn's evening check.
Somewhere in Missouri the convoy was driving east. Somewhere in Urbana, Deedee was asleep on a cot.
Or she was not asleep, or she was sick, or she was alive, or she was.
Mark held my hand through the blanket and the blanket was warm and I did not know which of the somewheres was true.
I slept.
In Missouri, on a bridge over a tributary of the Mississippi, the woman who had been carrying my best friend's daughter's rescue plan for four months was leaning against the bumper of a Ford F-250 with a half-Vampyren beside her and the count was correct.
I did not know that yet.
I slept anyway.
When the radio crackled at two in the afternoon, Renn calling in the convoy's mid-day check, Mark answered for me. He let me sleep through it. He did not wake me.
I slept until the next morning.
When I woke, Mark told me Cora had named the team's arrival window: two days, before sunset, at the southwest corner of the Urbana enclave.
I made him repeat it twice.
I made him eat eggs with me again.
Tess gave us six eggs again.
Brecca's baby got two.
Tess ate one.
Mark and I ate one each.
The fourth was for Brecca.
I did not say six.
I ate.
I slept again that night.
In a tent two hundred yards away, Drew's tent, empty for nine days, had a small wooden carving on the doorframe that Auriel had made by sitting on Tess's lap and pushing her sticky-fingered hands into a piece of clay Tess had been holding.
The carving was vaguely the shape of a wolf or a bear.
It was on Drew's doorframe because Auriel had pointed at the door and said the only sound Auriel had so far which was eh and Tess had decided eh meant for him and had stuck the small clay shape to the door.
Drew did not know about the small clay shape.
He would see it when he came home.
He would not say anything about it.
He would not have to.
The shape would say it for him.
I slept.