Chapter 6
G rief is heavy, like a solid weight on your chest that doesn’t ease and feels never-ending. It’s so potent you almost feel like you’re drowning in it. It’s like trying to breathe while covered in a soaking wet blanket, your lungs desperate for every breath but barely mustering the energy to take in what little air they can. Was it ever going to end? Would I ever feel the same? Or would this feeling accompany me for the rest of my life, in my dreams, as I woke and tried to go about this whole new world without my mother?
How strange that a person can be there one moment and gone the next. They were just here, sitting by your side, on the phone, a normal part of your daily routine, and then…just…gone. You count the hours. It’ll be twenty-four hours since they passed soon. Then days. One week has passed. How can they be gone? You saw them in the flesh with your very own eyes. And now, all that occupies the space is this empty void that will never be filled. How does one fill a void so large? My heart would always have a hole where my mother’s spirit would be.
On top of the grief sat the guilt—the guilt of ever thinking a bad thing about my mother, and there were many thoughts like that. One could chuck it up to petty feelings, but to me, it didn’t matter. I felt guilty for ever raising my voice or getting mad—even though I was still mad. I was mad about not knowing about the strange new world I was expected to lead, mad that she raised me like a regular human child when I wasn’t ordinary. I was a Water Fae.
Fae.
How in the world was I supposed to lead these people? I wasn’t my mother.
My perfect mother.
The one that everyone looked up to. I would know. I stood in her shadow all of my life. Everything I loved— the surfing, the sports I played, the marine life I studied—was nothing compared to my mother’s accomplishments. Looking back, all those things I loved were inconsequential. They did nothing to propel me forward or prepare me to be a queen. No wonder Mom tried so hard for me to study business or anything with some leadership skills. How stupid I was to rebel against her guidance.
What’s worse? There was nowhere to go with my grief. I didn’t have a familiar home to go to where I could wrap myself in Mom’s favorite throw and sit in her favorite reading chair by the slider that overlooked the canal. I couldn’t spray my mother’s go-to perfume in the air just to remember how she smelled. I’d remember the musky sent anywhere, and I longed for it. I was desperate for just one hour to roam our home and feel close to her.
I didn’t feel close to her here. Not in this place. It wasn’t my home.
The grief and guilt wrapped tightly around the void in my heart, like her favorite throw blanket. I stared at the high ceiling of my room—my new room, one that was vastly unfamiliar and felt at odds with who I’d been my entire life. Aches and pains plagued my body, matching the feeling in my heart. Try as I might, sleep was impossible. Constant troublesome thoughts battled with each other. Did I even know Mom? Did she love me? Why didn’t she leave the yacht? What if we stayed? What if I’d never gone to the bar to meet up with my crew? Would Mom still be here to help me in this new world I found myself in?
It was all pointless. None of those questions would ever bring Mom back to life—a life she lived for close to a thousand years, unbeknownst to her very own daughter. I was just a blip on the radar of my mother’s life.
A soft mattress enveloped my body into a warm cocoon. A sea of plush velvet pillows and a cozy duvet anchored my body into a sense of false comfort. Fresh tears I didn’t think I had trickled down my cheeks onto the awaiting pillow—my eyes red-rimmed from the endless tears that flowed throughout the days and nights as sleep eluded me. At least, it’s what I believed to be afternoon. According to Mayana—who had been checking in on me constantly—the dome’s magicked light brightens during the day and darkens during the evening, mimicking the Above World.
After Myles informed the council of my mother’s passing, Dad ran from the room like a man possessed. I had trailed after him, my vision blurring as my feet dug into the sand at the front gates. He’d stopped mid-run when he realized I’d been following him and urged me to go with Mayana to my quarters. He didn’t want me to see Mom in whatever condition she was in; he didn’t want the last sight of her to be one of horror.
Because the Fire Fae had burned her face after they had turned her heart to ash.
I’d heard as much from the chambermaids who tended to my quarters in the middle of the day when they thought I was asleep—their horrified whispers from beyond the bedroom door carrying to my now pointed ears. I tried to extinguish the image of her body burned as they had described, but the visions relented, causing me to sob uncontrollably. The concern I held for Dad—who had seen her in that state—grated at me. A part of me wanted to console him. Another part wasn’t able to, my own grief wildly debilitating.
There were moments of rage in which I longed to grab my board and surf the waves in what the Water Fae called the “Above World.” My world. Or what I thought was my world. A deep sense of loneliness settled, causing my anxiety to spike. I was saved from diving too deep into the depression when someone knocked on my bedroom door. “Come in,” I said, my voice raspy with exhaustion.
The drapes had been pulled across the windows to block out the light of the dome, but I could still make out Myles’ silhouette in the doorway. I felt broken and didn’t have the energy to care if anyone saw me this way.
Myles moved cautiously toward the bed and sank into the chair beside it. “I’d ask you how you’re doing, but that doesn’t seem like the proper question at such a time.” He shook his head, his empty gaze traveling to his feet. “I both know and don’t know how you’re feeling.”
I blinked to clear my vision. A tiny sliver of light from the side of the curtain reflected off Myles’ face. He was always so impeccably dressed—his hair always perfectly set with a clean shave at all times. This Myles was entirely at odds with the Myles I was used to seeing. Deep dark grooves blanketed the area around his eyes; his hair was mused and untidy. I could make out the dark stubble growing on his well-defined chin. I realized then that I wasn’t the only one feeling the loss of my mother. The rest of Atlantis grieved, possibly more than I had, because they knew her better than her own daughter. That thought was a kick in the gut.
I leaned up from the pillow to face him. “I don’t know how to feel if I’m being completely honest. I’m filled with just as much grief and anger as I’m filled with confusion. All I keep asking myself since I found out about her murder is, did I even know her?” I confessed.
He looked at me with tears welling in his eyes. “Oh, Asherah. Please don’t say such things.”
“Do you understand why I would?”
“Of course. I suppose finding out your mother is the Queen of a mythical queendom you never knew existed until you were heaved into it would be the cause for some distress.” He leaned forward, crossing one leg over the other. “I won’t insult you by giving you fluffy words to settle an aching heart, or to make you feel better because grief tends to stamp out all other emotions. But I will tell you that your mother loved you dearly—so very dearly. She was most herself when she was around you. As Secretary to the Sovereign, I had the privilege of witnessing the Queen in all her forms. I saw her as the mother, the wonderful, loving mate she strived to be, and our Queen. Neleah was such a wonderful Fae who touched so many lives, but she cherished the role of being your mother the most. She wanted that experience so badly, and she was willing to separate you from the only world she knew so that she might raise you away from this, so that she might raise you as a young girl with a run-of-the-mill family in the Above World. And while she had been away frequently, making time for video chats and phone calls with you was the number one priority.” He smiled warmly. “I know because I had to schedule all of her important meetings around your soccer, swimming, surfing, and whatever else you found yourself enjoying at the time. And let me tell you. It brought her such joy to know you were enjoying those things. Such immense joy.” The smile faded from his face. “Neleah knew one day you would be here, because duty would demand it. But she just wanted a small sliver of normalcy for you. Just for a while.” Myles reached forward, placing his hand upon mine. “So you see, you knew her best because she wanted you to know the real Neleah. The one that laughed and smiled and loved her family fiercely. Never question that. And if I have to remind you every day of it, so be it. I will.”
I couldn’t hold back the tears as I nodded. “How is Dad? I mean, I’m guessing he’s not okay, but where is he?”
Myles sighed heavily. “He’s at the infirmary with Dax. His burns are slowly healing. Cathan stayed there all day in lieu of sleeping in his quarters. I tried bringing him something to eat at midday. I hope he’ll get some rest before your mother’s Wylemei.”
“Wylemei?”
“It’s what the Atlantians call a funeral. Our ritual is a transition ceremony. We celebrate the soul rejoining our loved ones on the other side of the Veil.” Myles’ brow furrowed. “I must warn you because you are unfamiliar with our customs, but there will be a pyre. Your mother’s body has been wrapped in traditional ceremonial cloth. The process may come as a shock to you—”
“Because I’m human.”
The intensity of his gaze held me captive. “Raised human. You’re very much a Water Fae. In the coming months, it will be hard to forget that fact. The council is clamoring to get your education and training started,” he said bitterly. “Their lack of compassion makes me want to choke them all.”
“Given their grand welcoming, I’d pay money to see that.”
Myles laughed as he rose from the chair. “Well, I’m afraid after Neleah’s Wylemei, life will take off at a million miles an hour. Rest assured. I’ll be by your side the entire time. It may not save you from being overwhelmed, but I can be the shoulder for you to cry on when you need it. After all, it’s what I’m best at— years of training with Neleah.”
A slight grin lifted the corner of my lips. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me, but if you need me, my quarters are on the first floor. Ask any of the palace staff roaming around, and they’ll direct you my way.”
My bare feet met the cool stone floor. My favorite Hurley tee Myles had retrieved from the house gathered over my sleep shorts. I rejoiced in the small comfort. “Actually, I do need something.”
“Anything.”
“Can you show me where the infirmary is? I’d like to see Dad.”
Myles bowed at the waist. I tensed slightly at the action, unused to the formality. “Of course. I’ll give you a few minutes to get ready. Your chambermaids have filled your wardrobe with traditional Atlantian human attire until you learn how to morph.”
My brows furrowed. “There are humans in Atlantis?”
Myles tilted his head. “Of course. This is where they’ve sought refuge during every Ice Age.” He huffed out a breath. “There’ll be more about all of that later. No need to overwhelm you.” He pointed down to my feet. “You’ll also find a few sets of silk slippers to wear. You won’t need those once you morph either, on account that the bottoms of your feet are protected by the webbing there, but you’ll have the slippers nonetheless until that day comes.” He thumbed over his shoulder. “I’ll be outside in the living area when you’re ready.” He pivoted, heading for the bedroom door.
“Myles?”
He paused and glanced back at me. “Yes, Your Highness?”
“She cared about you, too.”
Fresh tears welled in his eyes as his bottom lip wobbled. “That is very kind of you to say. Thank you…for reminding me.”
The infirmary was a short walk across the bailey. We arrived only minutes after we departed my quarters. Mayana kept a respectful distance behind us as she eyed everything and everyone in the vicinity.
I couldn’t recall a single time when I’d witnessed Dad grieving. The occasional neighbor may have passed away here and there, but it was never someone near and dear to him, not until Mom. My nerves began building as I proceeded down the long corridor. The traditional Atlantian clothing I’d chosen wisped behind me. In truth, I’d never worn anything like it. The soft lilac silk wrapped around my torso, leaving the top of my breasts exposed, and the long pant legs cinched at the ankles and whispered against my skin. I felt a certain level of exquisiteness I wasn’t used to. The lady’s maids—as Myles called them—tied my hair back and softened it in a matter of minutes. It left me in awe. I let them know, too. They were beaming with smiles of pride.
Myles stopped before a large wooden door at the end of the hall and turned to face me. “He’ll be right through here. I have a few things to tend to, but Mayana will stand guard until you’re ready to return to your quarters. If you need me, she knows how to find me.”
“Thanks, Myles.”
He nodded and went on his way.
Mayana brought her back to the wall, her spine going impossibly straight as she kept a firm grip on her trident. She gave me a short nod before her gaze traveled down the hallway. In the short time I’d been around Mayana, I figured out she was always on guard. It brought me a little relief to know she had my back.
I inhaled deeply and clasped the steel handle, strolling into a deathly silent room. The dome light bathed the room in a soft white glow. Dax lay on a bed wrapped in blankets, his eyes closed. Spread out upon an armchair in the corner of the room, Dad slept with his arms and a leg splayed over the armrests, his other leg stretched out to the stone floor. The scales that blanketed his upper torso formed into a sleeveless tunic. The points of his ears and the youthfulness of his face were something I didn’t think I’d ever get used to seeing. I glanced down at my arms, surveying the tanned skin, and wondered if I’d ever be able to don my scales.
I left Dad undisturbed and ambled to Dax’s bedside. The damage Dax incurred became vastly evident as I crept closer. Deep red burns trailed up his bare arms and peppered his face. Half of his hair was singed off his scalp. My gaze caught on his chest. A hole the size of a fist sunk into his body, the charred skin beginning to flake. It rested right above his heart, and I guessed the same hole hit its mark on my mother’s body.
“He’ll be more disappointed by his hair than any other part of his body.”
I wheeled around to Dad, his eyes barely open. “Will it grow back?” I queried.
“Most definitely. We rejuvenate quickly unless a Fae from a sister realm injures us,” he explained. A darkness fell over his gaze. “This includes the Fire Fae that attacked them. They hailed from Corenathia, the realm of the Fire Fae. It will be a couple of weeks before his hair starts to grow back. He’ll bitch about it the whole way through, but he’ll live with it.”
He stretched out fully, giving a few good stretches to his neck before rising to join me at Dax’s side. He appraised me, a smile spreading across his face. “Your mother would have loved to see you in Atlantian garments. Goddess, you look so much like her.” He swallowed hard. Much like they had with Myles, dark circles spread out toward his cheekbones, his exhaustion evident. “How are you doing, Sher Bear?”
“I should be asking you the same question.”
He nodded solemnly. “I guess it’s a stupid question. We’re not good right now, are we?”
My vision blurred. I rushed forward, hugging Dad tightly, his arms squeezing me back as he rested a cheek upon my head. “I don’t understand. Why? Why would anyone want to kill her?”
He sighed. “That is such a long and elaborate explanation. One that you deserve.” He motioned to a bistro-style table next to the chair he’d been sleeping in. I went on my toes to reach the high chair and faced Dad.
“As you know, your mother is the…” he shook his head, “was…was the Queen of Atlantis. She ruled over this queendom from the age of one hundred and twenty-five when her mother—your grandmother—decided to step down and pass the torch to her daughter. To do so is incredibly rare. Throughout history, the queens of other queendoms reigned for thousands of years before dying on the throne. This is why heirs are incredibly rare and often protected. In some queendoms, they’re imprisoned.”
I jerked back. “Imprisoned? Their own children?”
He chuckled lightly. “I know. It’s barbaric. Not to worry. In Atlantis, we practice the Ritual of Passage, which your great-great-grandmother enacted during her reign in order to keep her heirs from getting power-hungry. So far, it’s worked.” His eyes wandered. “Your mother planned on performing the Ritual of Passage with you much sooner than her predecessors. We had plans to…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter now, does it?”
I reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. “Of course, it matters, Dad. I want to know. Why was she going to step down?” I questioned encouragingly.
“She felt that it was time, wanted to see the parts of the world that were still above water, felt in her heart that you were called to lead her people through the next Lomeage, what the humans call an Ice Age.”
“Because Atlantis was around for the first one, if the rumors are to be believed?” I didn’t know much about the mythical Atlantis, but I’d watched a documentary or two about it, most of them calling its existence a bunch of hogwash.
“Correct. We were a beacon for the humans, a refuge of sorts. It’s why Atlantians are known for coming to the aid of humanity. Some other realms aren’t keen on helping the humans, which is why they were at odds with your mother. Prophecies have indicated that the next Ice Age is soon. They all have differing opinions about what to do with the humans.”
My head tilted. “Do with them? What do you mean?”
“In some queendoms, they do not treat humans as anything more than cattle. It’s something Atlantians frown upon.” Dad’s face grew angry. “It is something the Corenathians are constantly petitioning for. Evil demon spawns.” The muscles of his jaw popped. “Your mother predicted something like this would happen, warned me of it even. I wouldn’t listen, of course. I truly thought we’d live long enough to be there for you as you reigned over Atlantis. I realize now it was all wishful thinking. She was right. She was always right.” The tears streamed down his cheeks. I felt my own cheeks dampen; the reality of the broken man sitting before me began to settle in. He lost his mate , a term I’d heard him use to refer to Mom both on the yacht and in the council room. While I didn’t know much about mates, it seemed the connection went beyond the label of husband and wife.
My father’s shoulders sagged, and my heart ached for him. “I’m so sorry, Dad.”
He huffed. “Don’t be, Sher. Your loss is no less than mine, and it comes with so much more weight because you’ve now been pulled into a world you don’t know. You’ve given up a happy life for one you didn’t ask for. I know this was our plan all along, and perhaps we should’ve been better prepared for this moment, but we just got so lost in the happiness of being a family that we kept kicking the can down the road.” He regarded me with sorrowful eyes. “Your happiness was her absolute joy. She lived for it. Despite being gone with ambassadors of the other queendoms half the time and trying to save humanity the other half of the time, the only thing that mattered was your happiness.”
I shook my head. “My happiness is her being back here. I don’t care where we live or what we are. I want her back.” The anger rose from deep within as I thought of the ones responsible for taking her. “And I want to hold those evil, fire fuckers accountable.”
Dad smiled at that. “I won’t even scold you for your language. Although, your mother most definitely would.” He breathed deeply. “After your mother’s Wylemei, we have to begin your studies.”
“Myles mentioned that already.”
He nodded. “Good man, Myles. He’ll teach you what he knows. There’s a lot for you to learn before your coronation.”
I felt the blood drain from my face. “Coronation?”
“Yes. For the time being, I’ll be your Regent. I don’t trust the Council and didn’t get the best feeling when we met with them. But I can’t hold them off for long. Something tells me Melysah has plans of her own. I just don’t know what.”
“You can’t rule over Atlantis?”
He looked at me with an incredulous expression. “Goddess, no. Why would I want to do that? That’s a female’s job.” He shivered like the thought was appalling, making me smile. I glanced at the bed where Dax slept. “And Dax?”
“Dax will be under for a bit longer. The healers didn’t want to wake him, so they prolonged his sleep. If he were awake, he’d be itching the piss out of his skin. Fire Fae burns are the worst. Plus, I don’t know that he will want to wake up to all this. He’ll likely feel responsible once he discovers his Queen is gone. For his sake, I hope he doesn’t wake up soon.” He rubbed a hand over his face.
“One step at a time, Dad.”
He nodded, smiling at me. “One step at a time. You’ll need to get ready for the Wylemei.”
“If it’s alright with you, I’d like to stay here a bit longer.”
“Okay then. Just a bit longer.”
We sat in companionable silence the rest of the afternoon, our grief a silent guest that loomed in the air around us.