Chapter Thirty-One #2
He’d only had one glass of sherry, but surely, he must be drunk. He had no idea what was happening or how he’d gotten to the point where she was talking to him, let alone straddling him. He hadn’t even begun to apologize.
He hadn’t said a word, but she continued, unabated: “I would have thought you’d know what it meant when a woman sat on your lap. How silly of me. And here I was going to show you what you’d taught me.”
Alexander was stunned, which had a lot to do with her fantastic chest being precisely at eye level. Really only a small distance to mouth level. He was just able to get out a few syllables, the only intelligible portion of which was: “What I taught you?”
“Yes. You see, your parting advice proved to be quite … useful. I thought I might demonstrate for you.” Alexander couldn’t remember a single conversation he’d had in his entire life, let alone any advice he’d given her.
Although he wasn’t stupid enough to pass up any demonstration that Harriet might want to bestow upon him, especially one held on his lap.
She leaned in to kiss the side of his neck and he nearly shot off the seat.
The effect was his cock rubbing even more closely against her, which served to drive him madder.
He wanted so desperately to rock against her.
Of course he wanted to be inside her; however, that desire had been so ubiquitous for so long that at this point, it was simply a quiet background hum to his life.
The need to rock against her was more like cannon fire.
Then, suddenly, miraculously, his prayers were answered. She was rocking against him. He heard someone moan before realizing belatedly it was himself letting out such desperate sounds.
She moved her pretty, plump mouth to his ear and in a sultry voice she’d evidently discovered in their time apart, whispered, “This is why you brought me to your carriage, is it not?”
It was one of perhaps only six phrases that could have stopped him. He pulled back from her slowly, trapping her wandering hands—dear God, where had they been off to?—with his. His breathing was heavy when he begged, “Harriet, wait.”
He, of course, did not want Harriet to wait at all. He wanted her to continue to demonstrate all sorts of things all over his lap. But if he let it happen now, he might never say what needed to be said. He might never get her back. Fully. As his.
Worse, he might never be hers.
She looked—well, she looked rather embarrassed and a little heartbroken.
He had no idea how to explain himself fast enough to prevent the pain of rejection, so he brushed an errant curl out of her face and kissed her.
Passionately. Desperately. Pleadingly. He hoped somehow that his lips could convey what his tongue could not, that his kiss could assuage her fear that he didn’t want her.
He was so tired of not having the right words.
He broke off the kiss and leaned his forehead against hers, his breathing still not anywhere close to normal.
Finally, in a fit of desperation, he found words.
Perhaps not the best ones or the right ones. But something.
“I didn’t bring you here for this at all.
Please don’t mistake me, I can think of few things I want more than I want you on my lap demonstrating whatever it is you mean to show me.
However, first, I need you to understand how sorry I am.
I know I’ve failed you from the moment I made you agree to a marriage in name only.
Before that, really. I didn’t offer for you in the library, when I should have been down on my knees begging you to deign to be my wife. ”
“Lady Neddlesby would have had an apoplexy if she’d found you on your knees.”
“I’d always assumed I couldn’t love anyone, and I certainly didn’t think myself capable of being faithful. My mother didn’t and couldn’t. I have no idea who my father is. Maybe he’s a prick or a dandy or a milksop.”
“Those all seem unlikely.”
“Regardless, it doesn’t signify because ever since I met you I haven’t wanted to be with anyone else.
I haven’t been. You might not believe this, but there hasn’t been anyone since you.
I don’t mean that in a poetic sense. I haven’t been with anyone since I met you.
I only ever visited Giuliana to ask for help with you.
She will vouch for that, if you’re inclined to believe her.
Either way, I’ve released her from my employ. ”
Harriet, who had been heroically quiet for more than two sentences, rushed to interrupt, “You didn’t need to do that, Alexander! Honest!”
“I settled a large sum on her and I intend to remain friends with her in the future. Only not the sort of friends who fuck. You were right about that, by the way. She is my friend.”
“It has only been two months. You will want someone again.”
“I won’t.”
“I’m trying to tell you, you needn’t fret about that.
I have quite an embarrassing confession.
I deeply wanted to be different from every other woman, when it came to you.
I planned to be immune to your charms, to get to know you and realize you weren’t so desirable after all.
Only, the opposite happened. I got to know you and now I want you even more.
I know you worry you can’t be faithful, but it’s quite all right.
You don’t have to be. I want whatever of you I can have, however I can have it.
At least for tonight. That’s why I asked you to come to the ball.
I hoped I might tempt you, and that you might bed me.
Whatever happens after that, however long you might stay interested, I’ll take it.
I promise not to get all moony. This won’t change a thing. ”
Alexander was livid. He was furious. He could hardly catch his breath for his anger.
“Harriet, you are a horrible, horrible listener!” Harriet gasped in offense, but he didn’t care at all. “You are! You are perhaps the world’s most accomplished talker. And I can’t wait to hear the tongue-lashing I’m about to get for this, but you haven’t understood me at all. I want you.”
“Marvelous, I want you too! I’ve just said as much. Now why don’t we return to your town house so you can swive me senseless.”
“No.”
“No …?”
Alexander grabbed her by the waist, lifting and depositing her across the carriage from him to the other bench. Perhaps the distance would help both of them.
“Harriet. You are one of the smartest women I know, but you are being incredibly dense right now!”
“I beg your pardon!”
“I don’t want our marriage to be in name only.
Even if you offer up the absolute miracle of having you for a night.
I don’t want that. Well, I do. But I don’t think I could stand to have you only for one night.
I want more than that. I want you to have more than that.
I want you to love me.” She opened her mouth.
“Harriet, if you interrupt me right now, so help me God!” She wisely closed her mouth.
“I want you to love me because I treat you well. Because I’m faithful to you.
Because I’m actually a good husband to you.
I want you to love me because I give you what you deserve, which is unadulterated devotion.
Harriet, I want you to love me because I love you. ”
And for the first time Harriet was absolutely speechless.