Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“He was so handsome.” Hannah turned another page in the old album, her eyes lingering on image after image like she was viewing them all for the first time.
Of course, Edie had shared the photographs with her daughter on several occasions over the years, but Hannah’s interest had never been there.
Edie understood that. Little kids rarely sat still long enough to eat a meal, let alone filter through a photobook of someone they hardly knew.
Hannah barely remembered her father, and even though Edie would recount stories and memories, trying her best to add vivid detail, that’s all they were: passed down words that Hannah had to imagine on her own.
Photographs helped those stories come to life.
“Look at this one.” Edie fished out another photograph from the box, handing it over to her daughter who sat cross legged next to her on the rug in the middle of the family room floor. “You were about a year old here. It was the first time we took you to the San Diego Zoo.”
“What is that on my head?” Hannah held the picture up to her eyes to examine it.
“A tiara, I think. You always were his little princess.”
Sighing, Hannah returned it to the box. “I wish I remembered this.”
“You were a baby, sweetheart. There’s no way you could remember.”
Hannah moved to another album while Edie continued sorting through her favorites.
They had been so happy with their tiny, little family.
So full of hope. You could see it in their eyes in each image.
See it in Evan’s wide smile that resembled Hannah’s so much now.
They both had huge grins that showed their gums. Edie loved that about them.
Those big, bursting smiles, like they couldn’t contain their happiness.
But Hannah wasn’t smiling now. If anything, those full lips of hers were slightly downturned.
“You okay, sweetheart?”
“I just feel bad.” Hannah closed the cover of the album and lowered it to her lap. “I feel bad that I don’t really remember him.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to. You were just a little girl when he passed.”
“But he’s my dad. It feels like I should be able to look at these pictures and feel that. Feel the memories and the love he had for me.” She shuddered. “But it’s almost like looking at a stranger.”
“I haven’t done a good job keeping his memory at the forefront of our lives—”
Hannah jutted out a hand, placing it on her mom’s shoulder. “No. Don’t think for a moment that it was your responsibility to do that. You had to move on and make a life for yourself, Mom. You were a single mother with so much on your plate.”
“Yes, but I still owed you that. Owed you the chance to get to know him through all of the memories I have of him.”
“There’s still time for that.” Hannah gave her mother the softest smile. “And there’s time for this little one to get to know his namesake too.” She hugged her belly.
When Casey and Hannah had asked permission to name their little one Evan, Edie had been surprised in the very best way.
That knock the wind out of you sort of reaction that eventually turned to elation.
What a gift. She wasn’t sure they fully comprehended the impact of it.
But she was grateful. Grateful that her sweet Evan would continue his legacy in her new grandson.
“What would you like to know?” Edie leaned back against the base of the couch.
“I know how you met. The whole thing with the seagulls and the chemistry notes. But how did you fall in love?”
What a question. It was one Edie wasn’t sure she could fully answer in a single conversation. But she would do her best. She owed Evan that, and she also owed it to Hannah.
“It wasn’t one of those love at first sight things.
But I fell for him quickly. I couldn’t help myself.
Your dad was a good man, Hannah. The kind of guy that opened doors and asked permission for a first kiss and called to make sure I made it safely home.
He was chivalrous and charming. But boy, was he funny.
” Edie chuckled to herself, recalling all the times he’d made her laugh.
That side-splitting, bent over, belly laugh.
When was the last time she’d laughed like that?
“He could always make me smile, even on the hardest days. I remember the exact moment I knew I loved him. I’d failed a pop quiz we had in chemistry.
Like epically failed. I didn’t know any of the answers, and just made things up.
When I got the test back, even though I knew I’d bombed it, I still cried.
Evan, of course, had passed with flying colors.
Goodness, he was so smart. Never had to try, really. School just came naturally for him.”
Hannah adjusted her legs, stretching them out in front of her on the rug beneath them.
Edie couldn’t understand how she could be comfortable sitting on the floor at almost four months pregnant, but it was where they’d set out all the photo albums and pictures, and Hannah didn’t seem to care about moving elsewhere. She was all ears.
“Anyway,” Edie continued. “He told me he was happy I’d failed because it meant that we’d just have to spend more time together studying.
We’d only just started dating at that point.
” Edie could feel her whole face flush with the memory.
Her cheeks almost ached, she was smiling so hard. “And then he kissed me.”
“Aw.” Hannah grinned at her mother. “That’s so sweet.”
“It wasn’t. He told me I’d failed at that, too.
Worst kiss ever. Failed miserably,” Edie said, snorting.
“At first, I’d thought he was serious. We’d only kissed a handful of times at that point.
But then he leaned in for another and said that, like with chemistry, we would just have to practice until I really understood the material.
It was such a cheesy line, but goodness, it made me laugh.
And it made me realize I wanted someone like that in my life.
Someone who could lighten up every situation.
Make me feel better by making me take myself a little less seriously.
That was your dad. He always was able to do that for me. ”
“Have you been able to find that since?”
The question caught Edie off guard. “I’ll never find another man like your dad.”
“Not another man like him, but another one that makes you feel loved in the way you need to be loved?”
It was something Edie had never asked herself. And something she wasn’t sure she could even answer.
“I think our needs change over the years.”
“I agree with that, to an extent. But the core of who we are doesn’t. And Dad knew you at your core.”
He sure did. He knew what made her laugh.
What made her tick. The things that made her cry, like seeing an injured animal or reading a heartfelt greeting card.
He knew every little part of her—all the parts that made her whole.
And he loved her because of, and sometimes in spite of, all of those things.
Hannah’s eyes softened into a look of understanding. “Do you think you’ll ever let someone get to know you the way you let Dad?”
“I’m older now, sweetie. And more guarded.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Edie repeated.
“Why are you more guarded?”
Shrugging, Edie drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them. “I think that just comes with the territory of growing up and growing older. You’re not as carefree as you once were. With your decisions. With your heart.”
“But maybe with the right person, you could be.”
Edie chewed on that thought for a moment while Hannah sorted through another stack of photographs.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever find that person,” Edie finally found herself saying without even thinking.
“You don’t think you’ve already found him?”
“You mean Cal?”
Hannah waggled her shoulders. “Or Josh.”
Did either man make her feel the way Evan once had?
Independently, no. They each had traits she admired, with their own individual ways of showing their affection.
But even put together, they didn’t create the perfect man.
Not that one even existed. But did she think she could feel for them what she once felt for her husband? She couldn’t be sure.
“I like them both. They’re good men. And I sort of hate this triangle I’ve found myself in, having to choose between them.”
“What makes you think you have to choose?”
“Oh, Hannah, please. We both know I’m not the sort of woman that dates around. Plus, it’s not fair to either of them.”
“I’m not suggesting that. I’m just saying, why do you think they are your only two choices?”
“Well, for starters, they’re the only two men I’ve had any interest in—or ones that have had any interest in me—in years.”
Hannah’s mouth hooked in a grin. “I can confidently say that’s not true.
I’ve been out with you before, Mom. Men are always glancing your way, holding open doors, trying to start simple conversations.
You’ve just always had blinders on. You were always focused on raising me and your role as a mother that you ignored your role as a woman.
But I can assure you, Cal and Josh aren’t your only options. ”
That wasn’t true, was it? Edie wasn’t sure who all these men Hannah alluded to were, but she had wondered if she’d missed some opportunities to connect over the years, her attention completely elsewhere. It didn’t matter. Right now, it was either Cal or Josh. Or neither of them.
“Can you see yourself as happy with either of them as you were with Dad? I mean, if that’s the standard.”
It was the standard. She’d never known joy like that since. “I can see a different life, I suppose. And that’s what I should be aiming for, right? Creating a different life for myself? Because let’s face it, my love with your father was a once in a lifetime thing.”
“Yes, your love with Dad was. But you’re still young, Mom, and you’ve got a lot of years left and a lot of love to give.
I just want you to be certain about the person you give it to.
That’s all. You’re lucky that you’ve experienced one great and epic love story.
Now you know never to settle for anything less. ”
Edie wondered when her daughter had gotten so wise, so mature. At what point had Hannah blossomed into this eloquent woman? A woman about to become a mother all her own. Edie just sat there in awe, thinking what a gift it was to watch your children grow into people that you could admire.
“You know how much I love you, right?” Edie stretched forward to cover her daughter’s hand and give it a squeeze. “How proud I am of who you’ve become?”
“I know. If there’s one thing I don’t question in this life, it’s your love for me. You’ve sacrificed so much over the years to consistently show me that.”
It didn’t feel like a sacrifice to Edie. It wasn’t a duty. It was a precious privilege.
And now she got to pass that love down the line to her grandson. That love they’d been talking about—the bursting, hopeful sort that made your chest ache in a wonderful way—filled her to capacity.
This was the life she wanted, the daily joy she wanted to experience.
If a man could add to that, then great. But Hannah was right, Edie wasn’t going to settle for anything less than the absolute best in her life.
She deserved nothing less.