Chapter 12
Hush
My vision blurred again as I watched Seek drive away.
Frustration, both sexual and at my brothers, was blending in with the blinding headache I had.
How was I supposed to navigate this when every time I turned around I slammed into one of them?
I could barely figure out how to handle her, but every time I got close some dickhead popped up in my face.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I blinked hard to make the numbers come into focus and saved Seek in my contact list. The last thing I wanted to do was go into the clubhouse.
I knew it wasn’t going to be only Priest waiting on me.
He’d seen a truck he didn’t know pull into our parking lot and sit there, so it was no wonder he’d checked it out.
I just wished he’d fucking turned around when he saw it was me.
Now Seek was pissed at me—for good reason—and I was stuck here with a hard-on that was so painful it throbbed in an angry rhythm with my heart.
The only thing that hurt more than my dick right now was my fucking head.
Lying down was out of the question, I needed to stay awake for a few more hours.
I was wishing I hadn’t refused the pain meds they were going to give me at the hospital.
Not much I could do about it now other than ride it out with some basic Tylenol.
Talking wasn’t really my strong suit. Neither were emotions.
I should have been able to open my mouth and explain to her that all of my MC brothers were trying to force me to move on from my wife’s death.
They were all happy to see me showing interest in a woman again and that made them want to hurry me along.
I didn’t hurry. All their attention was making me want to hit the road again like a Nomad.
Things were done in my time, or not at all.
They knew that about me, but they’d all seen how I was after I lost Daphne, and how I’d changed over in Texas, and they wanted the old me back.
Truth be told, I wanted the old me back.
I just wasn’t sure I could bring him out.
It didn’t seem to matter how much pain I was in over being home, I seemed to have a connection with Seek.
One I couldn’t resist. Maybe it was time to start listening to everyone around me and see where this could lead.
The trouble was that the thought of moving on made my heart break apart in my chest.
I turned and strode over to the clubhouse. As soon as I walked through the front door my eyes scanned the people and stopped on Lockout. “Can we talk?”
Both Riptide and Priest were sitting around with Smokehouse and Dash. The looks on their faces made a little evil part of me happy. They looked worried and regretful.
Good. You should, assholes.
That was what they got for digging into my business. I loved them, so I’d only let them stew while I spoke to Lockout. After that, I’d talk with each of them.
Lockout followed me outside and across the lot, stopping as I leaned up against the back wall of The Bunker. I didn’t want anyone listening in on this conversation, so it needed to be had away from the clubhouse. Bikers were worse about gossip than old women in a hair salon.
“What’s up, Hush?”
Lockout was always calm and collected. He reminded me a lot of Cade, the Austin club president. He watched me with patience shining there in his eyes.
I puffed out a breath and stared down at the gravel below our feet. “Did you hear what happened with Rip?” Absently, I rubbed my split cheek.
“Yeah, he told me you guys got into it. Didn’t say why.” When I stayed quiet, he continued, “Want to explain?”
No, I didn’t. But I didn’t have a choice.
“Remember the woman from Picacho Peak?”
“The Search and Rescue girl. Yeah, I do.”
The fact that I didn’t have to explain which woman meant he’d already known she was in the bar last night. Still, it killed time before I had to ask the question I’d dragged him out here for, so I continued on. “She showed up at The Bunker last night. I bought her a drink.”
Lockout shifted, so I glanced up. He didn’t look pissed, or upset, just mildly curious. “You guys fought over her?”
“Sort of. This morning Rip was giving me shit about buyin’ her a drink. Said some shit about Daph.”
Lockout crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes studied me as though I were a puzzle he couldn’t figure out. “Okay.”
I opened my mouth, then shut it again. The question burned the back of my throat. I was going to have to spit it out. “Do you think Daph would be upset if I…moved on? Dated someone else?”
“Jesus Christ, Hush,” he said, voice low and raw.
“You’ve been considering asking her out since you met her, haven’t you?
” At my grim look he shook his head. “That was weeks ago, Brother. No wonder you’ve been in such a shit mood.
” He stepped forward and clapped both hands on my shoulders, giving me a shake.
He waited until we were looking in each other’s eyes.
“As her brother, I can assure you, she wouldn’t hold that against you.
She loved you and she’d want the best for you, even now.
Even when she couldn’t be here. So, if you’re interested in this girl, go for it. ”
I winced. “Don’t call her a girl,” I muttered.
He chuckled and let me go. “She’s pretty young. Think you can keep up, Old Man?”
“Fuck off. She’s thirty.”
“All right, not as young as I thought.” He sighed. “Daphne was a better person than all of us. She wouldn’t hold this against you, Brother.”
My eyes closed, but something inside of me shifted. Knowing that Lockout thought Daphne would be fine with it helped me. Some of the guilt eased, but the burden was still heavy.
He cleared his throat and when I opened my eyes he continued, “She wouldn’t blame you either, Hush. For what happened. None of us do.”
“I do.” That was the bulk of the guilt, the burden I couldn't quite shake.
“Fucking hell. You bought her a motorcycle. Something she’d been wanting forever. You taught her how to ride. This wasn’t your fault.”
“I was late coming home-”
“Yeah, because you were helping a friend out with his bike. You helped Jake out all the time before the accident. That’s all it was, Hush. An accident. It wasn’t anyone's fault.” He looked as frustrated as I felt.
I knew all of my brothers wanted to beat on me until the message sunk in, but I couldn’t help it.
Daphne was gone and I couldn’t find anyone to blame but myself.
There had to be someone at fault. A light that pure and good couldn’t leave this world without someone paying a price. If it had to be me, so be it.
The thing I wasn’t telling Lockout was even though he was essentially giving me permission, I wasn’t planning to date Seek.
This was just so that I could spend time around her guilt-free.
I needed to get myself in check because I wasn’t going to sleep with her.
Even though my body was screaming at me to take her to bed.
I wasn’t going to toy with her emotions.
I just couldn’t seem to stay away. This way, I wouldn’t have to.
I could just…What? See her and not date her? Who are you kidding, old man.
“Thanks, Lock,” I told him, ending the conversation as I walked away.
“Hush,” he called out. I paused, but didn’t turn around. “One day you’re going to have to admit that Daphne’s death wasn’t your fault. I’m going to be there on that day and I’m going to hit you so goddamn hard your fucking head will spin.”
Glancing at him over my shoulder, I raised a brow at him. “Thought you didn’t blame me?”
“I don’t. The punch will be for you being an idiot for so long, and making us deal with your insufferable ass.” With that, he stalked off toward the entrance of the bar.
That was four people I’d pissed off today, two of my best friends, another MC brother, and…my girl.
No, I told my brain. Don’t do that. She’s a friend.
I walked back into the clubhouse, letting the loud voices of my brothers drown out the voice that was calling me a fucking liar.
* * *
I spent the rest of the day working out in my room. If I couldn’t sleep, I needed to do something. It didn’t matter that the nurse had told me to take it easy, I had to work off my frustration.
Sweat dripped down my temples as I started up another round of push-ups. My vision was swimming, but the beating I was putting my body through was lessening the anger…though it wasn’t touching my hunger.
It’d been hours since Seek left, yet every time I closed my eyes there she was, and instantly my dick got hard all over again.
My biceps flexed as I lowered myself to the floor, then rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling.
The urge to call her was like an ever present ache.
I didn’t allow myself to touch my phone.
The relief it would give to hear her voice again would be short lived, only to be replaced with the insatiable urge to go see her.
It wasn’t worth the can of worms that would be opened.
My mind drifted back to this morning when she was straddling me and I had my hands and mouth on her. I groaned as my cock thickened inside the gym shorts I was wearing.
Giving in, I let my hand slide down over my ab muscles.
My eyes closed and I pictured it was Seek touching me.
It wouldn’t compare to the real thing, but this was the best I could do.
I shoved my shorts down and gripped my dick in my hand.
Another groan tore past my lips as I started stroking myself.
Her dark hair tumbled around her face and those mesmerizing eyes flashed at me as she gave me a sultry smile.
She licked her lips, that pink tongue tantalizing.
Just the thought of it brushing over me had pre-cum spilling out over my hand.
I brought my hand up, twisted it over my dick’s head and enjoyed the silky-smooth glide my cum provided.
The things I wanted to do to her. There were too many to list. She was haunting my dreams and invading my conscious thoughts. How was I supposed to do anything but think of her?
The wet sound of me jerking off, my deep breaths as I strained toward release, were loud in the small room.
I pictured rolling her beneath me and filling her tight pussy up.
There wasn’t a spot on her body I didn’t want to kiss, touch…
own. In the middle of fucking myself with my hand I couldn’t lie about what I wanted from her.
My hips arched up away from the floor, thrusting my dick harder into my palm. It was a piss poor imitation, but my fantasies soon had me on the verge.
Hush!
Her voice in my head, crying out as I made her come, sent me over the edge. With a grunt, I came. Thick spurts of cum splattered over my stomach and my tense muscles eased.
A knock on the door made me jerk in response. “Church!” Riptide yelled through the wood.
I sighed and lifted my head so I could look down at the mess I’d made of myself. Shoving my shorts all the way off, I used them to mop up the mess on my stomach and hand while I went over to climb in the shower.
It only took me a few minutes to rinse off and get dressed. Lockout didn’t like waiting when he called Church, so I got my ass downstairs as quickly as possible.
I could feel every gaze on me when I walked into the room. Ignoring them, I took my seat and waited.
“You didn’t tell me Kit made you go to the hospital,” Lockout said while we waited for the final men to file into the room.
Shrugging, I twisted the wedding band I wore on my right middle finger. I hadn’t worn it on the correct finger since the day of Daphne’s funeral, but I couldn’t seem to take it off completely.
“Anything I should know?”
I wasn’t about to tell him I had a concussion and have him bench me from whatever tonight’s activities were about to be. Fuck that. I needed to let off some steam. “I didn’t die.”
Lockout shook his head, but let the subject drop. As soon as everyone was seated, he started the meeting. Unfortunately for me, it was just an update. I wasn’t going to get to work off any of the mounting frustrations in my life by beating on someone.
After Lockout went through the usual business he looked around the room. “What’ve you got for me?”
“It’s been quiet,” Butcher called out in a sing-song voice. There was a malicious grin on his face and it only got bigger as everyone groaned.
“Butcher, you asshole,” Riptide snapped at him. “You know every time you do that something pops up and we end up having to go crack some skulls.”
“You’re right,” Butcher agreed. “I do know that.” He looked Riptide dead in the eyes and repeated. “It’s been really quiet out there.”
Angry mutterings followed his statement, but Butcher sat back in his seat with a satisfied smile.
Butcher only took his next breath in the hopes that he’d get to enact some kind of violence while doing so.
He lived for the chaos and drama. If he wasn’t such a damn good fighter and loyal as fuck Lockout wouldn’t have ever considered letting him join.
That didn’t mean we didn’t all want to pound on him when he started up trouble in the club just because he was bored.
It was never a good thing when Butcher had nothing to do.
“Shut the fuck up!” Lockout barked, quieting down the men sitting at his table. He sighed then pinned Butcher with a considering look. “I have a friend over in New Mexico who needs some help with something. I think it’d be right up your alley, Butcher. Take Toxic with you.”
“When do we go?”
“As soon as you pack up.”
Butcher nodded and rubbed his hands together with glee. My lips quirked as I watched him. Lockout knew every one of the men like the back of his hand. He was an expert on handling them and their idiosyncrasies.
The smile disappeared from my face as I thought about that and what it meant for the way he was handling me.
My eyes narrowed then flicked over to Riptide and Priest. Lockout wouldn’t have asked them to step in to try to talk sense into me…
Would he? Shaking my head to rid myself of the thoughts, I settled in to listen to the rest of the meeting.