Chapter 17
Seek
Something hit me in the head, waking me up.
I ducked as Hush jerked again. I’d been tucked up under his arm and that’s what had bumped into me, thankfully not too hard.
A quick look at his face confirmed that he was still asleep, but he was thrashing around enough that I scooted back a little to avoid getting nailed.
Those massive hands felt wonderful on my body, but I didn’t want them crashing into me.
I debated for a moment whether to let the nightmare play out and hope it would go away, or to wake him.
Sweat slid down his temple and his brows were creased in a deep frown.
It could be dangerous to wake someone in the middle of a dream like this, but I couldn’t let him suffer through it.
I turned on the bedside lamp. The light didn’t wake him.
If anything, it seemed to agitate him more.
Reaching over, I brushed my hand along his cheek. His beard scratching my palm felt nice, but there was no time to revel in the fact that I was able to touch him. “Hush.” I spoke in a calm voice, trying to wake him without startling him.
His eyes snapped open and mine widened at the ferocious look in them. I snatched my hand away from him. He was breathing hard, his rib cage expanding as he gulped in breaths. Though his eyes were open, they were focused on something behind me.
I didn’t dare turn to see what it was because I wasn’t sure he was fully awake. A shiver of fear made the little hairs on my neck stand on end. “Hush, it’s me, Jamie.” I laid my hand on his chest, trying to soothe him.
His eyes moved to mine and he blinked a few times, the fog clearing in them. “Seek? What’s wrong?” His voice was raspy with sleep. It was no time for me to get hung up over how sexy he sounded.
“Sorry, you were thrashing around. I thought it was best to wake you.”
His normally tanned complexion turned a bit red and I realized he was blushing. “Sorry ‘bout that.”
“Hey,” I said, scooting closer and sitting cross legged next to him. “You have nothing to apologize for.” I nibbled my bottom lip unsure how he was going to take what I had to say next. “Want to talk about it?”
One side of his lips kicked up and he shook his head. “Never remember the dreams. Not really. Just know they’re from my deployments.” I sensed he wasn’t telling me the whole truth. Not outright lying, just…steering me away.
“I can only imagine the things you saw,” I told him softly.
“You probably could,” he admitted and sat up. “You see some things yourself.”
I nodded. “The first year I started working out here I ended up going to therapy,” I confessed. “Seeing the bodies when you don’t get to them in time, especially being out in the heat like that… It was hard to deal with.”
“And now?” He searched my face, looking for answers.
“It’s still awful, but it doesn’t keep me up at night anymore.” Somehow I had gone from trying to comfort his nightmare to him comforting mine. I knew he had moved me away from his nightmares, but it clearly wasn't the time to talk about it. I decided not to push it right now.
I smiled when he picked up my hand, his thumb brushing over the back of it.
Sparks zipped across my skin and even though we’d already had sex, I wanted him again.
It was as though my body craved him. Had been craving him without even knowing it.
Now that I’d found him it was going to take a long time before I tired of the way he made me feel—if ever.
“Glad it doesn’t get to you anymore.”
“Sometimes talking about it helps,” I told him. “If you ever want to, I’m here and wouldn’t judge.”
He nodded and pulled me down so he could tuck me back up against his body.
His breathing had evened out and I listened to his heart thump under my cheek.
It was soothing. I traced the tattoo on his forearm, admiring the way it wrapped around it and made him look more muscular.
Next I moved up to his shoulder. The tattoo here had a name in the middle.
I wondered who Daphne was, this woman who was permanently inked into his skin. Maybe one day he’d tell me.
He’d shocked me the way he’d handled me during sex. In a good way. I’d never had such a mind blowing orgasm before, let alone three. The things he’d said to me had made everything so much hotter. I’d never had anyone speak to me that way during sex. I was surprised to realize I liked it.
The few boyfriends I’d had didn’t bother to talk.
They’d gone mute, focused solely on getting the job done.
I was only now realizing how good it could be with an experienced partner.
Especially one who focused on me and my needs before even considering his own.
Sure he’d had me give him a blow job, but he hadn’t finished that way. It’d just been a little foreplay.
The way he’d taken control and forced me to deep throat him had my pussy gushing with wetness.
I was so turned on by everything this man did to me.
My pussy clenched as I thought about the things we’d done together.
He’d made my body come alive in a way no one ever had before.
I debated on asking for another round, but Hush’s breathing was evening out.
He was falling back asleep and I didn’t want to wake him.
I left the lamp on, closing my eyes as I fell asleep in his arms.
* * *
Sunlight woke me in the morning and I sat up in bed.
I was alone in Hush’s room. I grabbed my phone and checked my texts.
The tension bled out of my body when I saw that Jo had gone over and pottied my dogs last night.
She’d texted to let me know she’d hung out with them for about an hour before she left and they were doing fine.
I hadn’t told her the reason I was going to be gone overnight, so there were multiple texts asking me to explain. I’d get back to her later.
I stretched, my muscles feeling loose and relaxed. There was nothing better than an earth shattering orgasm, or three, to keep a girl limber. Going over to his dresser, I pulled on a t-shirt and pair of loose boxers I found in a drawer and went in search of him.
He and Lockout were sitting in the kitchen talking. I leaned against the doorway and watched them for a minute. Hush only had on a pair of jeans with the top button undone. Tanned muscles were on display and I let my eyes rove over him shamelessly.
Lockout cleared his throat and nodded my way, interrupting my thoughts. I pushed away from the doorframe and gratefully took the second coffee mug Hush had been holding. He must have been bringing it to me.
“Thanks.”
“Jamie, this is Lockout,” Hush said, introducing us.
“I remember,” I told them with a smile and shook the hand Lockout offered.
“Good memory,” he said with a smile. “Nice to see you again.” He put a hand on Hush’s shoulder and squeezed as he walked by. He gave me a nod of respect and left us alone together.
I sort of got the feeling I’d interrupted an intense conversation. Who was I kidding? If I looked up intense in the dictionary there would be a picture of Hush scowling at the camera there next to the word. I smiled at him over the brim of my cup as we finished up our coffee in silence.
“Let me get you home.”
I wasn’t surprised he was ready to end the date. I’d stayed the night and we’d had mind blowing sex. The best I’d ever had. “Thanks. I have things to do today,” I teased.
He took my empty cup from me and set it in the sink before leading me upstairs to change.
Once I was back in my dress he brought me out to his bike, holding my hand the entire way.
His fingers were warm and rough around mine.
The sun was up, but it was early enough that the heat wasn’t out in full force yet.
By the time we got back to my house my mind was already running through my plans for the day. Hush walked me up to my porch. He was stiff and tense and that was my first clue that something was wrong.
“Can I speak to you inside?”
Clue number two. It was never good when a man wanted to talk, but when a man who was as quiet as Hush volunteered to speak… My stomach sank, but I nodded and opened my door.
He stepped in behind me and crossed his arms over his chest. I didn’t rush him. He gathered his thoughts for a minute before he spoke. “I had fun last night.”
The words were fine, but the tone was off. I bit the insides of my lips to keep from echoing the statement. Last night was fun, but until he spat out whatever he needed to tell me, I wasn’t giving him an inch of leeway.
He sighed. “I’m sorry, Seek, but I can’t do this.”
My eyes narrowed as anger bubbled up inside me. “Do what?”
“I can’t date you, officially, or casually.”
I tilted my head, glaring at him. “So, you’re telling me you decided after you fucked me that you couldn’t be in a relationship with me?
Maybe that’s something you should have mentioned before taking me home.
Better yet, maybe you shouldn’t have asked me out at all.
” My voice was calm and even and I was proud of that.
“You knew casual wasn’t something I was looking for. ”
The last thing I expected was for Hush to put a ring on my finger, but I wanted to get to know the man. He made that extremely difficult. He shrouded himself in secrets and mystery.
Misery flashed over his face. I would have felt bad for him if he wasn’t in the process of ripping my insides apart.
This didn’t seem to be a decision he wanted to be making.
Or maybe I was reading into the situation.
Hoping that there was something there so that I wasn’t the only one with feelings.
Because I had them, whether I wanted to or not.
Taking a deep, calming breath, I tried to pull my chaotic thoughts together. “Is it because of our age difference?”
“That’s the least of my concerns at this point.”
“Okay. Would you mind explaining?”
He shook his head, his dark hair moving with the motion. “I can’t. I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you.”
He had, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. “No problem, Hush,” I told him.
His eyes snapped to mine, studying me. “No problem?”
I shrugged, fighting to look as nonchalant as I could.
“That’s right. We gave it a shot. I had fun last night, too.
” I was pissed, but that didn’t mean I didn’t care for the guy.
In the short time we’d known each other I’d done the stupidest thing possible.
I’d fallen for him. Last night had cinched things for me.
He clearly didn’t feel the same, though, and I was too proud to beg.
I was stuck between being crushed and caring for him enough to not want to hurt him.
I’d thank my heart for that lovely contradiction later.
Shock spread over his features. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was changing my tune so quickly, or that I wasn’t giving him more shit. Either way, I needed the space and privacy to process what had just happened.
I looked at my phone. “Sorry, I have a meeting in an hour that I need to get ready for.”
He nodded and without a word let me usher him out of my house. He looked over his shoulder at me, an unreadable expression in his eyes. I shut the door in his face.